Worried About Coming Out To Parents

[Revan46]

I posted this on EC as well, but I'd like some other peoples opinions about how to solve this....

I know I'm of course worried about losing my parents since the last time I came out my Dad went golfing but my Mom almost kicked me out. So I went back in the closet. Now our relationship is still strong, but I'm not just worried about losing the relationship I have with them. But, and while I know this is so stupid sounding, but I'm kinda also totally worried that they'd cut me off financially. I'm going for post grad and need their financial assistance. I basically don't want my life ruined because I decided to tell them I'm gay....so I'm basically concerned double fold because I don't want my life ruined because I lose their assistance, but I also don't want to lose the relationship I have with them...it's too important to me...and I break down every time I think of it happening...

Thanks guys...

 

[Shawn1]

If you've come out to them once and then 'went back in the closet' my guess is they will not be totally surprised when you come out again.

Why not simply hold off until you are through school?

Good luck

 

[skips]

I would wait until you no longer need them, at least financially, to come out to them. You know that you are under no obligation to come out to them by any means, but I can't help but think it would help you immensely to do so.

So: accept their help and once you are no longer financially dependent on them, come out to them.

 

[Revan46]

I suppose so...it's more I'm getting also sick of my family and friends pressuring me to do so >_>

I should also just say that um...the other problem is that I'm going to audition for 1 girl 5 gays on MTV Canada (and LOGO in the States) and I just wouldn't want my mother hearing from someone else that they saw me on tv and such...but I really want to be on this show...

 

[KaraBulut]

Unless there's a reason to come out- as in a boyfriend that you want to introduce them to- then there's really no rush. And given their response the last time, it makes sense to finish school and gain some degree of financial independence before taking that step again.

 

[conrad]

Friends, remind yourself that what happens sexually between two persons is by its very nature personal and private, and, IMHO, ought forever to remain private and personal.

My first sexual experience was with the new guy in town and we were both just fifteen. We thought of ourselves as two regular guys just "doing what comes naturally" and we deemed it to be right and natural.

My parents and my brothers and sisters may have had some thoughts as to why Maart, my friend, and I spent a lot of time together, but they respected my privacy and did not ask and I certainly did not tell. We were fortunate in having a zone of privacy at my friend's home that kept our sexual communion all under the radars of the morality snoops in our town.

We last has sex together the Saturday after we graduated from high school. That was in the spring of 1941, but Maart remains my dearest male friend.

Before I finally married, I had three long term relationships with men, and two long term relaitonships with women. I was always a faithful partner and my family met all of them. They probably sensed that each of these persons had become more than just a friend.

No good purpose could have been served by coming out to my parents in all this time. They were delighted when I finally found the young lady who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We produced three beautiful children and generally folks came to see me a very happy married man and devoted father. Did anyone really need to know of my time as the devoted, faithful, loving partner with three males at different times in my life.

Others, my friends my be interested in your sex life but they have no legitimate "interest" in your sex life. Others are entitled to what they can observe. The wise person, in my humble opinion, is the person who keeps the private part of his life private.

 

[Revan46]

Interesting thoughts yes.

And in response to you Kara, I do have a boyfriend but he's reassured me that he doesn't care how long I take to come out to them. I can take five days or five years, he'll always be there for me and won't care if I don't tell them for a while.

 

[Lube]

Just a little reality check: your relationship with your parents is not strong, as you say. It is nonexistent. You are living a lie.

You are not who you are; you are simply trying unsuccessfully to be who they want you to be.

And it is eating at you, which is why you started this thread.

They may hate you even more after you tricked them into paying for school under the guise of being straight.

This is a tough call. I can't really give good advice from a single paragraph.

 

[Revan46]

I'm sorry...tricked them to pay for school by being straight...I tricked them? Really? What a nice word to make me look like the villain, even if unintentional.

 

[Lube]

Look, I'm just trying to be honest here. No sugar coating, OK?

You don't have to stand up for yourself. Everyone's different.

But there are consequences.

People act as if there are no consequences of remaining in the closet. There are! To one's psyche. It's not a free ride. Why else did you post this question?

I'm not trying to demonize you. But I'm not gonna sit here and hold your hand and tell you it's OK. Because there are pros and cons no matter what you decide.

Which is more important: the money or your self confidence?

No two people will give the same answer. It all depends.

 

[Lube]

20 or 30 years ago, many guys decided to stay closeted. The choice was easier then. Not only would your parents hate you, but so would your church and friends and coworkers and fellow students.

Today? Not so much. Many people are enlightened. Especially younger guys. You see out, proud, gay guys in lots of places. There are politicians and businessmen and Hollywood actors who are out.

So I think it stings more to stay in the closet nowadays.

You see all these out, proud people and think: "Why not me, goddammit?!"

 

[conrad]

Once again, let me suggest that in our time no one needs the permission of parents in matters of sexual preference.

Grown up men do not NEED the support of parents. I will grant you that understanding parents who will allow their son to find his own way in the world are, by their very nature, suppostive.

If your relationships are hurtful in any way to other persons, you should recognize that caring parents may sant to inject a question or a word of caution. That is a whole lot different than exercising a veto over a son's relationships. Ordinary decency demands that one not "use" another person and in the same way one ought never to allow oneself to be "used".


Copnvince yourself, or rather let your partner convince you that what you are doing toegether is natural and right. You do not need the approval of any other persons, including parents.

 

[shainski]

You ask for advice, and everyone gives advice based on his own experiences. That is only natural.

But keep in mind that all of our circumstances are different. I don't like the "I came out and it was wonderful, so everyone that doesn't come out is living a lie" anymore than the sanctimonious ex-smoker who can't understand how difficult it is for others, or someone who has lost 25 pounds and becomes the food police for everyone else.

Many things in our life, we will do when we are ready. You are the one who has to live with your family. You are the one who can guess how they will react. You are the one who needs them. You are the one with a boyfriend that you have to deal with.

Your family already knows - you came out to them. They may not want to know; they may want to deny it at all costs. But when you finally do come out - they may not like it, but they won't be surprised. You didn't trick them at all.

It's not like you found a face fiance to string them along.

Go with your head and your heart. Use any advice (including my own) as only a part of your decision.

My best to you whatever you decide.

 

[Revan46]

What confuses me the most is why my mother is so against it. I mean two things you guys should know is that we are not religious, and as far as I know, not conservative (I mean my parents voted conservative in the last Prime Minister election yes, but they voted Liberal when the Liberal party was looking to win the elections years ago). So I just don't understand why my Mom is so against the gay thing...I mean she has I believe one or two people who she knows are gay and are fine with it, but I believe the media or something else has made her think that if you're gay you are doomed, she always worries about my safety too but I mean...I'm 22 living in a city that isn't exactly amazingly safe (three gay men were attacked in September of 2009) and yet I'm still here, safe and sound...so it's just a puzzlement...

 

[shainski]

Are you an only child? Is finding out that you are gay - drastically reducing the chances that she will have grandchildren?

And because you have survived odds doesn't mean that you would in the future - and certainly no reason that she would stop worrying about you.

I would say if your analysis is accurate, then you could reassure her about your safety.

Go out and rent the movie "Guess who's coming to dinner" - from around 1968. Two liberal parents struggle with their own bias when their daughter brings home a black boyfriend. They know they shouldn't feel that way - they struggle with why they do.

Maybe it is only a matter of time for them to accept it.