Worst date I've ever had

[Tomruyssss]

I'm a Bi guy. I matched with this cute Gay guy on Tindr and we hit it off. We met up and went to his gym together yesterday for our first meeting and we enjoyed eachothers company. We had been flirting for days and even traded nudes.

He was having a very small like 5 person NYE party and invited me. I had no plans so I went. I'm kind of a more shy person and quiet. He was the only person I sorta knew and we only met once. His friends were very gay and much more outgoing. And I enjoyed watching them dance and all that but I'm more laid back and like to drink my beer and eat and enjoy the vibe type person.

Also most of the time my date was cooking and making drinks so I watched and let him do his thing since he was busy.

One of his friends grabs me and asks me How I feel about my "date" I was put on the spot and said he was cool and we had fun together the first time we met.

I think this is where I fucked up. Looking back I think he mighve taken it as I didn't like my date all that much sexually/romantically when I actually really did.

I had told my date multiple times before we met this second time that I did like him and he reciprocated.

I just don't do a lot of PDA and also being around his friends I try to be respectful. I think his friend's thought I wasn't interested in my date when I really was.

Maybe I'm the asshole for not being more outgoing.

So at the end of the night my date's friend literally starts spitting his drink on my shoe for no reason. The first time I let it go as an honest mistake. The 2nd I got tight. I stayed calm and tried to get an uber (none were available) and I asked my date for a ride to the hotel.

So end of the night I booked a room for myself a mile away from the party so I can crash and not drink and drive. I had to leave my car at the party but I'll get it in the morning.

This is what we texted:
Date: Hey sleep well and I'm sorry about tonight!

Meon't be sorry man. It would've been fun to keep hanging out until you moved at least but Hey you can't help it if you don't like me in that way. I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad or anything, I'm just a little reserved around people until I get to know them more. But I think you're super cute and would've been nice to snuggle haha. I appreciate you inviting me anyways, was a good learning experience. I'll be back in the AM to get my car.

Date: Hey no one said I don't like you like that I'm just to shy for anything! As you saw me getting close to you was like me slowly trying to get to you! And no problem I understand wouldn't wanna make you uncomfortable and it would have been maybe soon enough if you're down!

Also, when his friend spit on my shoe, my date didn't say a word. That more than anything bothered me.

AITA for not being more outgoing with my date and his friends? I hate all this drama and feel like giving up on dates esp with guys.

 

[SeaCore]

His friend is definitively the A.

First of all, what you said in response to the friend's question was perfectly acceptable. You've had like one date... What, was he expecting you to profess undying love?

Assholery has nothing to do with how outgoing a person is. The date's friend was seemingly outgoing and a raging asshole. Even if he had been right, that you didn't like your date, how was spitting on your shoe supposed improve the situation? He should've brought up his concerns to his friend and respected that your date was enjoying your company and wanted you there.

As far as your date not saying anything about the shoe spitting. I can understand that, he mentioned he's shy, and it's a really unusual and out of left-field thing for someone to do especially when it's someone you know. He's probably conflict averse, and even if he's not, he might be when it comes to friends. It's also a group setting which can complicate things because he might be worried about ruining everyone else's night by addressing it then and there.
It is a problem if your date doesn't say or do something about it at all; he should not let that go without comment because it wasn't okay and his 'friend' needs to know it. But he might need support doing that.


I will say, I'm a bit bothered by your last statement. About giving up on dating 'especially' with guys because you don't like drama. It is of course your decision who you date. But you're taking a massive demographic, guys, and ascribing them the characteristic of causing 'drama' when there's a LOT of diverse guys out there that don't cause drama. It feels very much like it's relying on a stereotype. And I won't deny, there's a portion of the LGBT+ community that incorporates drama into their culture. But that's really not everyone.

 

[KaraBulut]

Lessons learned:

1. What you described wasn't a date. It was an awkward party with people you didn't know.
2. Meeting the friends is like a gauntlet. They have every motive to keep you out of the picture and to sabotage any potential relationship that might disrupt their friendships.
3. Parties where you don't know anyone are a risk. Parties where the only person you know is the host makes it even worse.
4. If you have a bad feeling about something and you feel uncomfortable about, say "no".
5. This whole thing sounds like a COVID-19 superspreader event. The fact that these people are willing to get together in a small space with others should be a clue that they're not a rational bunch.

Your relationship is with your date. Chalk this up to a mistake in accepting an invitation that you were better off declining. Forget the night ever happened. If you start feeling sick, get a COVID-19 test.

If you want to see this guy again, then invite him on another casual date where you can continue getting to know each other. You're not dating his friends... at least, not yet.

 

[voltronforce]

Lesson #1, Never involve friends in your relationship.

 

[cabinfever]

ahhhh - "friends" - been there myself. I could only take a few minutes of adolescent mean girls living inside adult men's bodies on our first meeting before I blew the lid off.

In my opinion you have to decide if he is worth it and then pay attention to the dynamics that may come with it.

I also agree - never discuss your relationship with your friends and never discuss his friends in your relationship assuming it gets to that point.

 

[Kienny]

The decision to go was something that was bound to set you up for failure. You went on one date with this guy. Going to an NYE event that only had him and his friends was a bit too soon, pre-covid or during covid.

But the friend was an asshole.

I don't agree with the whole "never involve your friends in your relationship" idea, but that's just my preference. But I will say that I think it was way too early to be introduced to his friends.