Would a bath house help?

[Kulindahr]

Here's the deal:

I haven't been out much more than two years yet. I lost most of my friends when I came out, and haven't really made any new ones. I have no gay friends, which of course means no buddies with benefits.
My dad, who I'd been helping take care of for the last few years, died last month.
Now with the gray days come, meeting people at the beach or river has stopped.

What it boils down to is that I'm lonely enough it's a physical sensation in my chest.

Anyway, today on the way back to town, in the dark, I stopped for a hitchhiker. He turned out to be a high school senior without wheels, ready to walk the ten miles but happy to have a ride. He was intelligent, had a good sense of humor, and, as I found out when we passed under a light, cute.

I had to concentrate hard to keep from reaching over and squeezing his thigh.

That's frighteningly close to losing control, for me. It tells me I want human, male, physical contact, badly. But I'm no good at meeting guys at bars, and have never met someone to go home with (except a couple of nights when I got plastered enough to need a place to crash... which was all I got).

What occurred to me is to hit a bath house. But is that just desperation? or if it is, is it a good idea just to relieve the loneliness and hunger for physical contact?


As the robot said in "Short Circuit"... Need input!

 

[subobj]

In a word, yes. But, really, the question can't be answered in a single word.

Some people consider places like bathhouses shameful, dirty places that only shameful, dirty people visit. For others, they're liberated micro-utopias. For others, they're addictions. For others still, they're an outlet for closeted and often married men. Though I tend toward those that view them as a utopia, I think the truth is somewhere near the intersection of them all: they're nothing more and nothing less than places that gay/bi men go to have sexual encounters with one another. Some of those encounters are meaningful, others are trivial. Some are enlightening and beautiful, others forgettable and even degrading. A bathhouse is kind of a microcosm of society in general (except that it's all men .

Whether or not you go to one, I'd venture that the experience of the hitchhiker is telling you that having sexual interactions with other men is something you can't overlook, put aside, pretend isn't important, etc . . .

I don't know if it helps to hear this, but I met my partner at a bathhouse. We had sex before we knew one another's names -- and we've been together nearly 9 years. We've even joked about having a commitment ceremony at the bathhouse at which we met.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

If you need the physical contact because you are positively hurting without; anything, including the bathhouse will help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with checking the place out and having some safe fun there.

You are a male. Despite the popular JUB ideology, you really do not need to seriously fall in love (or fall in love at all) in order to have sex with another male. Men want to get their rocks off and if emotions are involved, hey, that's great and wonderful and very desirable. But, it sure works and it works very well for most men even without really knowing absolutely anything about their partner for the moment.

So, you go and hunt your men down and have sex. We all need it and we all have ways and means of getting it, if we put our minds to it.

---
Once you get back home, sit down and take a deep breath. Bathhouses are fine, but at their best, they can only be a small stone in a much bigger mosaic. Plan your life anew.

Start dating. Put your profile on the various web sites. Try to make new friends.

K, so you live the country? How about a trip or two to some of the more gay-friendly places in the neighborhood or even across the country.

You have got but that one life to live. At times everybody else and everything else takes priority over your own happiness. But only at times. You must never allow yourself to get anywhere close to hurting for a human touch, if you can help it in any way.

SC

 

[youngnihilist]

You probably should go to a bathhouse if you almost raped a teenager

 

[rareboy]

What it boils down to is that I'm lonely enough it's a physical sensation in my chest.

Hey Khuli.....

On a side note, you should probably just have a talk with your family doc if you have a visceral response.

After the death of a family member, it is not unusual for bottled up emotions to send your physiological stress levels through the roof. Your flight or fight responses become overcharged and it can lead to sleeplessness, anxiety and even wanting to jump hitchhikers. It is amazing, the number of people who lose a parent that find themselves in turmoil, all the while thinking that they are still coping just fine.

Oh, and then I'd check into the nearest bathhouse and fuck like a wild mink. You owe yourself.

 

[thewiz]

Hey Khuli...

Given that you and I came out about the same time, I can share what I found and you'll have to take it for what it is worth.

When I was trying to decide to come out, some guys on this site suggested I check out the "Steamworks" in Chicago. So I went on a weekend and was just about blown away (all pun intended). I got sucked, I fucked, I got fucked for the first time....I was just about in heaven. It made the decision for me that I was acceptable and could have some male-male contact so I finally came out.

When I moved to DC, I went to the bathhouse after I met one of the guys who was a manager there. Actually, I met my first boyfriend coming into the bathhouse (he and I started talking and we never went in but instead went out for a late dinner and ended up at his place). I actually met three or four guys when I had first moved here and we've stayed friends.

But it sounds like you are horny. I also know it is compounded by your feelings and struggles that I have read in your posts. Sometimes you just need human contact so I'd check out the bathhouse. Just make sure that you wear a condom and make sure anyone who does you wears one, too!

Go on a weekend night or one where there are half-price specials. Having been friends with and dated someone who works in one, the younger guys usually come in later but with them come drugs and drunks as well.

Good luck and I hope it helps you!

 

[NW007]

I like the one I go to in my city, cause it is clean with nice facilities. I like it because I can be in control of what I do or don't do. Safe practices plus there isn't any pressure to engage or not engage. You can be quie selective

Nothing like lots of body contact in the steamroom!

 

[tommyj]

Did u make passes at the teenager?

 

[Kulindahr]

Wow -- lots of support! Thanks!

I never thought of this as being tied in to my dad's death, but I guess it makes sense. I've gotten this lonely before, but having to literally fight to keep from touching someone else inappropriately freaks me out (I hardly think that squeezing someone's thigh is "rape" -- that was comic relief).

At the moment I'm stuck for a week, maybe more: my truck's brakes are nearly shot, so there's no way I'm making a two-hour drive to gay bar or bath house until that's taken care of.

I may just go and give backrubs at the hot tub and see if anyone who seems nice shows up. I've given up topping for strangers; for me it's about as fun as digging post holes by hand, and less rewarding, and there's no way on God's green earth I'm bottoming for anyone who doesn't strike me as bf material.

Meanwhile I'm gonna hope for a cute over-18 guy to call me a cocksucker... and I'll say, "Not lately -- interested?" ... and he'll be like, that's crazy, but oh, hell, sure....

 

[Kulindahr]

Did u make passes at the teenager?

We talked. I punched him on the shoulder once 'cause he had me convinced he was a communist, and then told me he was kidding. And I recruited him to help on my volunteer conservation & safety project not far from where I picked him up.

I don't think any of the qualifies as making a pass.

 

[tommyj]

^^^ Maybe another time!~

 

[Kyanimal]

Hello, there, My "Captain", whom I have come to care for, Very Much, indeed!!

Here is a Thread Link that is, somewhat, relative to your current situation ...

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=180886

"My" Kev has discovered a "Bath House" that He's been going to, recently. It also has gym equipment that he's been using on a "regular" basis. Since He's turned 50, He's in the best shape I've ever known Him to be!

As I've said in that Thread, I've been encouraging Him to seek out that which He needs at this point in His Life! I'm NOT entirely "Thrilled" with it, but, I can completely Understand! And, I may join Him, one of these days, just to check the place out, and further expand my own experiences!

In Your case, I'd say, "Go for It!"

"WE" never know until "WE" Try!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Kulindahr]

^ If there were a bath house here with gym equipment, I'd be there so fast...!
And be looking to increase my income to be able to afford it on a regular basis. There's nothing like working out in the buff, and watching other guys do the same.

 

[strangelittleboy]

Just use a watermelon, Kulindahr...LOL!

 

[pausanias_usa]

There's a good reason to be picky as you get older -- you have more sense!

Don't despair because it is darker outside. Find some things to do inside with other people (a gym? local volunteer service? always something available that's socially acceptable).

 

[G-Lexington]

Why not scope some out? Check them out online, see what services are available, call them up and ask questions.

My only worry is that you won't get precisely what you want. You seem more worried about "loneliness" than really getting your rocks off. You'll almost certainly get your rocks off at the baths, but it's more of a crapshoot when it comes to ending the loneliness. Yes, you can meet people at the bath house - you can meet people ANYWHERE - but many people at the baths are interested in pretty much one thing...and aren't interested in carrying it to the outside world. Again, it's certainly possible that you'll meet someone. Just go in with realistic expectations.

Lex

 

[TygreBryte]

K., you are one of the voices on the board that I am drawn to. I know somewhere else that I suggested you might even think about relocating (with your dad gone, and you being un-burdened with taking care of him, that may provide a useful window of opportunity).

I have struggled -- and I mean STRUGGLED -- with depression throughout most of my life. I really didn't understand it that way for a long time, and my life began to get better when I started to understand it that way. When I read that your loneliness feels physical inside your chest and stomach, that feels familiar to me.

I don't really know you well. It may be that the good situation for you walks around the corner tomorrow, unexpectedly. However, to the limited degree that I understand your situation, I think it might be useful for you to find some good talk therapy, maybe even with a group.

To a large extent, one's experience of bathhouses, like so many other situations, will depend on "where your head is at." although I currently have love+sex in my life -- and I honestly wish that for everybody -- I'm not someone who thinks that sex plus love have to go together. I have had hilariously fun times in bathhouses, and other experiences where I left pissed off and frustrated, partly because I went in pissed off and frustrated.

To wit: If you really are depressed (and I'm just guessing about that, but I think some of the clues are there), then it might be difficult to attract experiences to you that are really rewarding.

...one of my bathhouse experiences: I met an older asian gentleman in the steamroom, and took him back to my little room with me. I thought we were going to have sex. He ended up giving me a very kind back-rub. I think he quickly figured out that *that* was what I really needed.

keep us posted on how it all works out.

 

[XLeatherX]

You need friendship and a relationship, with somebody a man or a woman.

Casual sex/hook ups with strangers in bath houses aren't what you need right now.

If you are badly depressed get some help for it (talk therapy or meds), or talk to a friend about it here or vent about it here.

 

[Kulindahr]

You need friendship and a relationship, with somebody a man or a woman.

Casual sex/hook ups with strangers in bath houses aren't what you need right now.

If you are badly depressed get some help for it (talk therapy or meds), or talk to a friend about it here or vent about it here.

A friend on here?
That makes the loneliness worse, lots of times -- I can't reach out and frakking touch you!

Yes, friendship would be nice, but there hasn't been much progress on that since I came out. I will not go back to pretending, but around here, if I don't, there are too many places where I could end up fertilizer under a rotting log.

Later today, I'm heading for Portland. I'll hang at my fave bar, chat with other guys with laptops (it can be a total kick chatting on your computer with a guy just 25 feet away)... and later on, hug and tease some dancing boys -- there's a particular one I'd like to take with me for spooning and.

You're probably right I don't need casual sex; OTOH, with the recent adjustment to my meds, I can hardly get it up. But I think casual snuggling and hugging will be an improvement over nothing -- if my longings are strong enough that I'm nearly hitting on a high schooler, any friendly physical contact has got to help!