Would like some thoughts to help boyfriend

[ColorSlaughter]

I'm extremely frustrated with my boyfriend right now. We've been dating 8 months (today!) and so far its been pretty awesome, except for one thing...He's not out.

Now he is out to his friends, and thats fine. Its fun to hang out with them and stuff. But his family is (almost) completely in the dark about him. They don't even know I exist, (which kind of bothers me, though I don't think it should.) But I want him to come out, He wants to come out himself, but he can't seem to muster the courage to do it, even when given the proper opportunities.

His Story : He came out to his mom before, when he was 16. But it went so bad, apparently, that he went right back into the closet because of his moms reaction. She was frustrated, made him read Freud, and all that jazz. Didn't kick him out or anything, but I guess it was strong enough condemnation to keep him in the closet. He's 24 now, and he can't seem to get back out because of that experience, in addition to the usual melodrama that comes with being in the closet.

I really want him to come out. It's so much better on the other side of the closet that words can't describe. Its so much more...freeing. And he won't have to be so stressed out about his family. He also thinks we should move in together come september, but if we do, I can't even stand the idea of being his "friend" or "roommate" if we do move in together, despite the fact that I love the guy to bits. And I really hate how much I have to hear him lie about what he does to his parents, and the phone calls where I have to be deathly silent, and the whole ruse I have to keep up. I don't think I have a legitimate reason to be frustrated about this, given its his family and his life, he can lead it how he wants, but I can't help how I feel about it.

But all in all, does anyone have any thoughts or experiences or words of advice you can give to him? Any response would be gratefully appreciated! And thanks, if you've read this wall of text!

 

[looseliam]

You've told him what you'd like. It's now up to him to make a move.

You shouldn't and can't force him. If this is a deal-breaker for you, then let him know but, not in the form of an ultimatum. Say something like "I'm not sure how much longer I could stay if you're in the closet."

 

[Seasoned]

The closet, really, is the least of your worries. This seems more like your issue than his. But there is something else to consider which a lot of young people don't. Clost or no clost you could be completely excluded should he be hospitalized or die and watch his possessions be cleared away right before your eyes. At the very least if you are in a ltr draw up power of attorney papers for health care and for finance and create a will. Without those documents his next of kin makes the decisions and gets his stuff and you'd have no say in any final arrangements. The same is true for you by the way.

 

[Molitor69]

I wouldn't hold his family against him. I too am out to pretty much everyone. My family did not take it well and though through therapy I have been able to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my family. My partner is not accepted by them one bit. I shield him from it and I imagine your partner is doing the same to you. He is not hiding you, he is somewhat protecting you. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now and we were friends in the eyes of my parents for like 4 years before they looked at the whole picture. They were nice to him when he was just a friend. Though the occasional homophobic jab came out here and there. They might not ever accept me and I am their son, my partner probably won't be accepted until either we have children or one of my parents dies. This will be their loss, not mine. I don't hide him anymore and they forced me to choose him (my lifestyle) or them. I did not choose them and I won't. Try not to hold it against him. If he is out to his friends and you are included that means a lot. His parents will get the hint if and when you move in, it's only a matter of time. Try not to bog him down as long as he respects you. For example if and when you move in, you pay half the expenses, then it's half your place too and when mom and dad come over should they ever you don't have to hide. Clear that up first.
Good luck, it's not easy. I sympathize with him, we don't choose our parents. My mom's sister is a lesbian, you think that would have made it easier on me. Nope, I'm the trailblazer in this family and I will make it easier for the closeted cousins that are hiding in my family tree to come out and live unhindered lives. Lead by example. This has not and is not easy for my partner, but luckily his family is very accepting of our relationship so at least we can seek refuge with them and our friends and my sisters for the most part. Even my extended family is cool. Just my parents - they'll come around one day. I'll be living my life till then.

 

[Molitor69]

The closet, really, is the least of your worries. This seems more like your issue than his. But there is something else to consider which a lot of young people don't. Clost or no clost you could be completely excluded should he be hospitalized or die and watch his possessions be cleared away right before your eyes. At the very least if you are in a ltr draw up power of attorney papers for health care and for finance and create a will. Without those documents his next of kin makes the decisions and gets his stuff and you'd have no say in any final arrangements. The same is true for you by the way.

"A SINGLE MAN," GOOD MOVIE.

 

[racer2438]

One should never push one to come out. It is selfish for you to push to do this just cuz YOU WANT more than he does.

A person is ready to come out on there own terms --NOT someone elses terms. If anything you should stand by his side and let him know that when ever you are ready -I'm right here with.

It does not matter if he is out to some and not others.

That is his choice to make and ONLY his choice.

If you value your relationship you should not push..

Even if he wants to come in full, he seems to be holding back on some part of it cuz he is really not as ready as you or he might think he is. So he may need more time.

And if you can't wait for that , then you should not be together..

I came out 5 years after my honey did, and that did not stop us from being together for 26+ yrs so far

 

[ColorSlaughter]

You've told him what you'd like. It's now up to him to make a move.

You shouldn't and can't force him. If this is a deal-breaker for you, then let him know but, not in the form of an ultimatum. Say something like "I'm not sure how much longer I could stay if you're in the closet."

I have, in the words of "This relationship won't be able to sustain itself if you stay in the closet". Its not a total dealbreaker, as I've been with him for 8 months and he's pretty awesome, all things aside.
And I am waiting, though (as per his request) every time we hang out, I remind him about it or try and give him some encouragement. I wonder how I can encourage him more, or give him that push or courage to get it over with myself. Hell, I'd hold hands with him and be there with him if he needs me to be, but he said he didn't want me to.
Thanks for your response.

I wouldn't hold his family against him. I too am out to pretty much everyone. My family did not take it well and though through therapy I have been able to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my family. My partner is not accepted by them one bit. I shield him from it and I imagine your partner is doing the same to you. He is not hiding you, he is somewhat protecting you. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now and we were friends in the eyes of my parents for like 4 years before they looked at the whole picture. They were nice to him when he was just a friend. Though the occasional homophobic jab came out here and there. They might not ever accept me and I am their son, my partner probably won't be accepted until either we have children or one of my parents dies. This will be their loss, not mine. I don't hide him anymore and they forced me to choose him (my lifestyle) or them. I did not choose them and I won't. Try not to hold it against him. If he is out to his friends and you are included that means a lot. His parents will get the hint if and when you move in, it's only a matter of time. Try not to bog him down as long as he respects you. For example if and when you move in, you pay half the expenses, then it's half your place too and when mom and dad come over should they ever you don't have to hide. Clear that up first.
Good luck, it's not easy. I sympathize with him, we don't choose our parents. My mom's sister is a lesbian, you think that would have made it easier on me. Nope, I'm the trailblazer in this family and I will make it easier for the closeted cousins that are hiding in my family tree to come out and live unhindered lives. Lead by example. This has not and is not easy for my partner, but luckily his family is very accepting of our relationship so at least we can seek refuge with them and our friends and my sisters for the most part. Even my extended family is cool. Just my parents - they'll come around one day. I'll be living my life till then.

Its good to hear there's life after a bad coming out experience. Thanks for your input, it put some things in perspective for me, I'll have to ask him about it the next time I talk to him.

The closet, really, is the least of your worries. This seems more like your issue than his. But there is something else to consider which a lot of young people don't. Clost or no clost you could be completely excluded should he be hospitalized or die and watch his possessions be cleared away right before your eyes. At the very least if you are in a ltr draw up power of attorney papers for health care and for finance and create a will. Without those documents his next of kin makes the decisions and gets his stuff and you'd have no say in any final arrangements. The same is true for you by the way.

I don't think we're that far in our relationship to worry about that kind of stuff yet. We've only been together 8 months, and while I do love him, I think that'd jump the gun a bit. It's something to consider if and when I move in with him though, so I thank you for that. Its not something I thought of, but its kind of scary thinking about what it'd be like to lose him and be powerless....

One should never push one to come out. It is selfish for you to push to do this just cuz YOU WANT more than he does.

A person is ready to come out on there own terms --NOT someone elses terms. If anything you should stand by his side and let him know that when ever you are ready -I'm right here with.

It does not matter if he is out to some and not others.

That is his choice to make and ONLY his choice.

If you value your relationship you should not push..

Even if he wants to come in full, he seems to be holding back on some part of it cuz he is really not as ready as you or he might think he is. So he may need more time.

And if you can't wait for that , then you should not be together..

I came out 5 years after my honey did, and that did not stop us from being together for 26+ yrs so far

That's the thing though. He wants to come out, he tells me that he wants to come out, he even asked me to nag him to come out. I don't feel right doing that, I don't feel right putting pressure on him to do it, I try and encourage him mostly because he asked me to, but at the same time I can't help what I feel.
This does tell me that my feelings regarding the subject aren't legitimate, but I can't help but feel it. Maybe I'm just a selfish bastard, hahaha.

I wonder if he's not ready to come out like he says he is. I asked him about it, like "what's holding you back? Maybe we can see what it is" but he didn't come up with anything besides that he didn't want to disturb the peace or upset the balance. He didn't give me any clear, concise reasons.

Thank you for your response, though.

 

[looseliam]

Well if it isn't a deal-breaker, I'd put it on the back-burner for a bit. I'd hate to see your encouragement causing him additional stress - though, knowing that isn't your intent.

He'll come to you when the time is right.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, he is hiding you and you do have a right to resent it, and your feelings are legitimate.

Closet apologists will behave as if being in the closet is a civil right. It's not. It's just an unfortunate place full of lies that we find ourselves pushed into.

If y'all are serious, his first responsibility is to you, not his family. If he's putting their homophobia ahead of your feelings that is a problem.

I agree that ultimatums are not the answer but you and I both know that this situation is untenable, your resentment will grow, not lessen - and you have every right to the way you feel about him asking you to participate in his lie.

So what to do? Ask for compromise, ask for progress, he's not a kid, it's time for him to grow up and be a man.