Would you date an ex convict?

[cormeum]

I found out that the man I’m dating for the last few months is a criminal. He has spent 8 years in prison for a murder. And I had no idea. I guess he would have never told me that, it was his sister who told me this when she was slightly drunk.

At first I didn’t want to believe it and I thought that she was just talking nonsense like people do when they’re drunk. But when I confronted him about this, he didn’t deny it, claiming he didn’t want to kill, he was attacked and was just defending himself and killed the guy in the process. He said he’s not proud of what he has done but he doesn’t regret it either, because „it was my life or his”.

When I asked him why didn't he tell me this himself, he was like "because I didn't want you to know it, you wouldn't be with me if you knew". And I know that he's right, if I knew it the moment we met, I wouldn't have started to date him.

I understand these are probably just my prejudices and I feel bad about them but I cannot help it. I feel very uncomfortable dating him now. Why is it so hard for me to believe him? I mean, I’m not a policeman but I think it’s not easy to find someone who would openly say „yes, I wanted to kill”. They all have excuses, 99% of them are innocent, defended themselves, defended someone else, no one is guilty and they just happened to be in prison.

Also....it might sound silly and stupid but I’m kind of afraid of him now. He has never hurt me in any way though but...

Our relationships have changed. He has noticed that and he’s offended I’m having a hard time accepting him how he is. I really liked him before I knew it but now I’m not sure anymore. Prison doesn’t change a person to the positive side.

He said that if it changes things so much we can't be together and I guess he's right but at the same time I don't know what I actually want. Before it we had wonderful moments together. I know it's his past and it shouldn't matter but it does matter and it makes me feel like a really bad person.

I feel very confused and I could use some advice.

 

[aaggii]

I could understand someone not wanting to say it from the start, because of the consequences, but he actually told you he never wanted to mention it. That´s pretty fucked up, I guess the questions to ask yourself are if you feel comfortable/safe around him, if he has anger control problems, what actually happened (because claiming self-defence AND spending 8 years in prison don´t really go hand in hand, but then again, the system fails a lot) etc.

Just whatever you do, be sure you´re safe, let someone know you´re with him especially if you want to break up w/him and don´t overthink it once the decision is made: the important thing is what´s comfortable FOR YOU and not what´s right or wrong.

 

[eastofeden]

Hmmmm..it would depend. What does your gut say to you?

Ask yourself this....

If someone attacked you...would you defend yourself?...or kill him instead in order to survive? Eight years doesn't seem like too long for a murder so I would suspect there were circumstances that played a part in such a light sentence.

If it were me..I would definitely be open to listening to him and accepting him as he is....but ultimately I would trust my gut.

 

[swerve]

It sounds to me like this guy has a good perspective about his past actions and the consequences -- and is looking to the future and not the past.

For me, that would be a good quality.

However, as others have stated, you need to feel comfortable with it as well -- if you want the relationship to continue.

As for the thread title -- I would like to think that I would -- never encountered that situation however.

Keep us posted!

 

[Benvolio]

You dated him for several months without a problem before you knew. I assume he did not display serious anger or violence. If so, I would ignore his past. Anyone you date can show anger under some circumstances, and you can never be totally sure of anyone.

 

[sixthson]

First of all, stop feeling like a bad person. Of course you are shocked, anyone who says they wouldn't be is just dishonest.
Was it murder or manslaughter? Is he involved in some sort of ongoing therapy? I'm sure he wants to forget this part of his past, but he should have known that eventually it would come out and he probably lived in fear that you would find out. That alone is a poor foundation block for your relationship.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way for you to feel or deal with this. Everyone would have to decide what is right for them.
It's not easy, is it?

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

I found out that the man I’m dating for the last few months is a criminal. He has spent 8 years in prison for a murder. And I had no idea. I guess he would have never told me that, it was his sister who told me this when she was slightly drunk.

At first I didn’t want to believe it and I thought that she was just talking nonsense like people do when they’re drunk. But when I confronted him about this, he didn’t deny it, claiming he didn’t want to kill, he was attacked and was just defending himself and killed the guy in the process. He said he’s not proud of what he has done but he doesn’t regret it either, because „it was my life or his”.

When I asked him why didn't he tell me this himself, he was like "because I didn't want you to know it, you wouldn't be with me if you knew". And I know that he's right, if I knew it the moment we met, I wouldn't have started to date him.

I understand these are probably just my prejudices and I feel bad about them but I cannot help it. I feel very uncomfortable dating him now. Why is it so hard for me to believe him? I mean, I’m not a policeman but I think it’s not easy to find someone who would openly say „yes, I wanted to kill”. They all have excuses, 99% of them are innocent, defended themselves, defended someone else, no one is guilty and they just happened to be in prison.

Also....it might sound silly and stupid but I’m kind of afraid of him now. He has never hurt me in any way though but...

Our relationships have changed. He has noticed that and he’s offended I’m having a hard time accepting him how he is. I really liked him before I knew it but now I’m not sure anymore. Prison doesn’t change a person to the positive side.

He said that if it changes things so much we can't be together and I guess he's right but at the same time I don't know what I actually want. Before it we had wonderful moments together. I know it's his past and it shouldn't matter but it does matter and it makes me feel like a really bad person.

I feel very confused and I could use some advice.

If you're afraid of him, as you should be, find someone else. Otherwise, your life will become just one more melodrama in the LGBT community that has a plethora of self-inflicted tragedy.

 

[cormeum]

I just would like to find out somehow is he telling me the truth, was it really self-defense, etc. I don't know if it's even possible to find out these things.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

I just would like to find out somehow is he telling me the truth, was it really self-defense, etc. I don't know if it's even possible to find out these things.

The court records. Go to the court where the trial took place. There may be pre-trial motions you can read. If he appealed, a transcript of the trial should be available.

Newspaper articles at the library.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I just would like to find out somehow is he telling me the truth, was it really self-defense, etc. I don't know if it's even possible to find out these things.

Yes, court records should have this. If it was really self defense, he would've never gone for that long, unless he was also committing other crimes in the process.

The past DOES matter. If you are thinking long term with this guy, I would also consider what type of life you plan to have.

People who have been through the system and have a record as serious as this have an EXTREMELY hard time keeping work and moving up. If you had plans to build and grow together, I would consider the fact that if he gets laid off from his current job, it could take him YEARS to find another job. This could also lead to doing more illegal things to get by, or depending on you/ his family for support. My cousin went to prison for stealing for 1 year, and even from that she has had very limited prospects.

Also, no one should have to fear someone they have only known for a few months.

If I were you, I would keep it moving.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

Yes, court records should have this. If it was really self defense, he would've never gone for that long, unless he was also committing other crimes in the process.

The past DOES matter. If you are thinking long term with this guy, I would also consider what type of life you plan to have.

People who have been through the system and have a record as serious as this have an EXTREMELY hard time keeping work and moving up. If you had plans to build and grow together, I would consider the fact that if he gets laid off from his current job, it could take him YEARS to find another job. This could also lead to doing more illegal things to get by, or depending on you/ his family for support. My cousin went to prison for stealing for 1 year, and even from that she has had very limited prospects.

Also, no one should have to fear someone they have only known for a few months.

If I were you, I would keep it moving.

Excellent advice.

In addition to court records and newspaper articles, you can google him. Maybe you can talk to his family and friends. A private investigator might find witnesses or members of the jury who likely remember a murder case and are willing to talk.

But I don't see that it would be worth the trouble. He claims self-defense; 12 impartial juror unanimously found him guilty.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK what is bothering you, that he's an ex-con, or that he didn't tell you, because these are different problems.

As with any guy - I would or wouldn't depending on context. Yes I'd want to know the whole story, but I'd start with him before you go hiring any investigators and running records searches.

 

[TX-Beau]

...But I don't see that it would be worth the trouble. He claims self-defense; 12 impartial juror unanimously found him guilty.

That would be more comforting if some people didn't get routinely treated differently than other people in the Criminal Justice system.

 

[gayjohnd]

When I first read the title of the thread I thought "not if it was for something like murder" but self-defence puts a different angle on it.

Ther have been cases where self-defence couldn't be proven so they were found guilty of murder.
The short sentence could possibly be because it was manslaughter so could it be possible that terminology is getting mixed up?

I agree with the suggestion to look at court records but a murder case is going to be in the press so have you tried googling him?
Ask him for his side of the story, see if it matches with what you find and could it have been a plausible story of self-defence that could have been mistaken as murder.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

OK what is bothering you, that he's an ex-con, or that he didn't tell you, because these are different problems.

As with any guy - I would or wouldn't depending on context. Yes I'd want to know the whole story, but I'd start with him before you go hiring any investigators and running records searches.

But would he tell the truth? He asserts self-defense, but the jury did not buy it.

True, the jury might be wrong. Or he might have been found guilty based on irrelevant factors. The OP will never know for sure.

 

[Telstra]

Thats a hard one to give advice.
I'd be uncomfortable too and i can't sleep with my eyes half open every night

 

[TX-Beau]

But would he tell the truth? He asserts self-defense, but the jury did not buy it.

True, the jury might be wrong. Or he might have been found guilty based on irrelevant factors. The OP will never know for sure.

Which is why you start asking th BF questions. This is essentially a matter of trust, if the OP doesn't trust the guy, it's time to leave. The only story that's going to be relevant in making that decision is the tale the BF tells. Do you believe him, or not, if not, all the mitigating circumstances in the world are beside the point.

 

[TX-Beau]

When I first read the title of the thread I thought "not if it was for something like murder" but self-defence puts a different angle on it.

Ther have been cases where self-defence couldn't be proven so they were found guilty of murder.
The short sentence could possibly be because it was manslaughter so could it be possible that terminology is getting mixed up?

I agree with the suggestion to look at court records but a murder case is going to be in the press so have you tried googling him?
Ask him for his side of the story, see if it matches with what you find and could it have been a plausible story of self-defence that could have been mistaken as murder.

heir-to-the-wind is a Lawyer and can probably answer your self defense questions! For me, if hew was 18, got into a fight and it got out of control, that's one thing, if he got called a bad name and killed the guy, that's something else entirely.

 

[gayjohnd]

heir-to-the-wind is a Lawyer and can probably answer your self defense questions! For me, if hew was 18, got into a fight and it got out of control, that's one thing, if he got called a bad name and killed the guy, that's something else entirely.

That's very true but what if the bad name was homophobic and he worried he was just about to be physically attacked and decided to fight first in the heat of the moment? I know thinking something is just about to happen isn't a good enough excuse but what I'm trying to say is that we can't predict reactions in differnent circumstances and need the full story.

 

[heir-to-the-wind]

When I first read the title of the thread I thought "not if it was for something like murder" but self-defence puts a different angle on it.

Ther have been cases where self-defence couldn't be proven so they were found guilty of murder.
The short sentence could possibly be because it was manslaughter so could it be possible that terminology is getting mixed up?

I agree with the suggestion to look at court records but a murder case is going to be in the press so have you tried googling him?
Ask him for his side of the story, see if it matches with what you find and could it have been a plausible story of self-defence that could have been mistaken as murder.

You are right. The jury may have been given a manslaughter jury charge in addition to murder. If the jury found the defendant reacted unreasonably to a perceived threat of imminent bodily harm or death, it could have convicted him of manslaughter. His actual crime, therefore, could have been gross negligence or poor judgment. The jury instructions would be in the court record and would be the most illuminating document to understand the case. Go to the clerk of the court for the information.