Would You Date Someone Who Doesn't Have Their Act Together?

[erobert]

Past a certain age?
No job?
Not moved out of the parents house yet...? (for me that would be a problem for dating, especially if they're in the closet)

Personally, I would be hesitant of dating someone who didn't have their act together there are exceptions though. I need someone who is stable, in most respects.

What do others think?

 

[deserter85]

1) I don't have an age limit (my boyfriend's 19 years older than me)
2) No job would be a problem - especially if it is a rather permanent situation

 

[erobert]

I meant past a certain age and they still don't have their act together. For example someone in their mid twenties who hasn't grown up yet. Sorry should have made that more clear.

 

[deserter85]

Ah I see.
Then the answer would be no.
He doesn't have to be rich or whatever. But I do think being self-sufficient is important. And it works both ways. Even though I'm currently a student, I'm not mooching off my boyfriend. I pay for my fair share of things.

To paraphrase Kanye: I ain't saying I'm a gold digger, but I ain't messin' with no broke.

 

[KingofFaeries]

Depends on how far off their act is.

 

[Lube]

You know, I used to answer questions like these. I used to be pretty open-minded, but had a few "never"s.

But as I look back at the people I've dated, I've crossed just about every boundary I've ever set.

So, really, you just have to look at the big picture.

Why do you ask?

 

[youngnihilist]

Most people don't have their act together, so you'd be really limiting yourself. Not to mention that a lot of people who seem to have their act together don't once you get to know them!

 

[erobert]

Lube, because I don't have my act together yet. Haven't moved out, one foot in the closet and my internship just ended (job hunting though). That's why I said I'm seeking someone stable because it balances out.

I'm wondering if guys might think that's pathetic for someone my age (23) Though we are in a recession so that's my backup excuse, but still...

 

[looseliam]

As long as I'm not the one supporting him, sure.

 

[maxpowr9]

That's why I said I'm seeking someone stable because it balances out.

Honey, it doesn't work like that. While some people don't mind supporting someone else, most people like someone who isn't dependent on them. Initially it may not be a problem, but when the subject of finances comes up in a relationship, when one partner works and the other doesn't, who do you think gets the short straw?

Even when I go out with a guy, the first few dates we go dutch and then after that we switch back and forth (I'd pay in full and then he will). I actually went on a "date" with one guy and he didn't even have enough money for a cup of coffee. I walked out right away.

As for the whole closet thing, I would never date someone in the closet. It is just too frustrating. If you are not confortable expressing yourself, I have no idea what else you could be hiding.

 

[erobert]

maxpowr9, I didn't mean they will support me for anything. Relying on someone else for finances would be dumb thing to do. I rely on my savings to support me.

I meant your differences would balance things out, you seek what you lack in your life. I don't think I'm explaining it right.

I agree with everything else you said.

 

[Lube]

I meant your differences would balance things out, you seek what you lack in your life. I don't think I'm explaining it right.

Well, sure, opposites attract, to an extent.

And sometimes younger guys look for the stability of an older guy.

Personally, if someone I'm interested in dating doesn't have their act together, I at least look for potential. Is there something limiting them temporarily? That would not be a problem.

But if they wallow in their problems and excuses too long, I'd move on.

 

[LoveIsNow]

If he's "of a certain age" (I'm assuming you mean like 40ish) and still lives with his parents and is in the closet...

No.

That's even worse than just plain in the closet.

Unemployed isn't as bad but all together I would say no unless he had something really good to make up for it.

 

[mydrew1]

Min of 15, though gen 18-30. Matters little to me whether the other guy is in or out of the closet and or unemployed.

 

[CudDULL]

I don't care how old they are but if their life is a mess and they are going no where then I won't be interest.

I'm a very independent and determined person and I look for that in the guys I date. They don't have to be rich but they have to be on their own with a good job. I just don't wwant to have to pick up the pieces for someone elses life esp since I date guys 21 and over, I expect maturity and a stable life so I can join in.

 

[amyleeisjesus]

Min of 15

That whole curfew thing has got to be really obnoxious.

Not to mention when he's whispering sweet nothings in your ear and his voice cracks. What a mood killer!

 

[spencer]

To me it has more to do with if they're motivated. Having a job is more important than living at home. I would even extend it to how they use their money. If they maxed their credit cards and couldn't pay them off (unncessarily) that isn't a good sign of personal responsibility no matter what income bracket you're in.

 

[Eyghon]

Okay, I'm a not-together guy, as described by the first post.

I'm 25, still living with my mother and brother. I'm unemployed; I do some freelance writing and have self-published several books but haven't made a red cent doing it. I'm out to everyone but my mother, father (who surely knows and frequently talks to me positively about gay issues and movies), and sister (to whom I've advocated gay marriage, so I don't think it's a big secret there either), so I'm not a total closet case, but that means I'm still semi-closeted at home -- even to my brother, who I ended up having to come out to twice but I'm still not comfortable expressing that side of myself with him -- and I don't get out much. I still receive an allowance.

I look really bad on paper, and I really have no idea when or how I'm going to get it all together. But here's the thing: I don't want to have my viability as a person determined by the down-on-my-luck aspects of my life. And I don't want to have to wait until I "get it together" to meet people -- friends, casual dates, not talking marriage here. I know people who have it together -- living independently, supporting themselves -- who are, god bless them, basket cases.

I think there's a tendency to assume that those who live with their parents and are unemployed are complacent, lazy slobs smoking pot while playing Xbox in their parents' basement. I'm sure many are like that, but there are also those of us who are just kinda stuck, who want more for ourselves but find it tough to attain. Late bloomers. Works in progress. Speaking for those, we're still worth knowing, even if you decide you don't want to -- or can't -- go the distance with a person who is in a different place financially and socially. I don't want to be supported by anyone. I just want to find people to spend time with. I think we all deserve that, no matter where we are in our lives.

 

[Lube]

^ Why aren't you out to all those people "who surely know"????

 

[Eyghon]

^ Why aren't you out to all those people "who surely know"????

In a word, cowardice.

I'm terrified of rocking the boat, even when all signs point to minimal rockage. In high school, I was surrounded by queer-friendly people, a couple of whom told me outright that they'd be totally accepting if I were gay, but the only times I came out were by accident. (One friend talked to me assuming I was already out, and then unknowingly outed me to a few others in a class.)

In college most of the work was done for me. I came out to one girl, who outed me to another friend, who outed me to her entire circle of friends, and I was happy to do it that way. But I actually had to say the words to my best friend from high school, whom I was sure would be accepting, and I think it was around seven years before I did.

I make not excuses: I'm a pussy. That at least partly explains why I haven't gotten my act together too.