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Would You Do It If You Suspected Cheating...

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UndieFreak

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If You Had The Chance To Look Through Your Partners Text, Emails, Facebook Ect... Would You Look If You Suspected That Your Partner Was Cheating?
 
No, because that always backfires on you, and also because sneaking around behind someone's back is kinda pitiful, and finally because him possibly violating your trust does not excuse you when you go violate his.

I'd ask him point blank, explain why I was suspicious, then reassess.

There is no gotcha worth it if you can't trust your partner, because if you don't trust him, justified or not, your relationship isn't going to work anyway - in which case it's just better to cut your losses and walk without all the drama.
 
I would not be snooping thru his things for one, cuz if there is no respect, then that is the beginning of the end.

where as there already is; insecurity, immaturity, jealousy, betrayal, no or not good communication.

to us there is nothing worse than a cheater/snoopper/jealousy in amy LTR
 
If I suspected cheating, yes of course. Privacy doesn't matter compared to saving your life.

You are 100% entitled to know whether your partner is sleeping with someone else as a matter of your personal safety, and that is pretty much an absolute rule.

The "Don't Snoop" rule is badly misunderstood. You don't snoop to find out what your birthday present will be. You don't snoop to listen in on your guy talking with his parents about their wills. But if you have a real reason to believe he might be sleeping with someone else without your permission, it is open season.
 
I have the chance to look through his things all the time and he does with mine, too, because we are not secretive.
We don't do it, however, because we are not the suspicious types.
 
bankside said:
If I suspected cheating, yes of course. Privacy doesn't matter compared to saving your life.

You are 100% entitled to know whether your partner is sleeping with someone else as a matter of your personal safety, and that is pretty much an absolute rule.

The "Don't Snoop" rule is badly misunderstood. You don't snoop to find out what your birthday present will be. You don't snoop to listen in on your guy talking with his parents about their wills. But if you have a real reason to believe he might be sleeping with someone else without your permission, it is open season.
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This. Some on this forum I'm sure will decry snooping as the same as him possibly having unprotected sex behind your back wherein he could be bringing you back the possibility of affecting you with a life-threatening illness.

Snoop. It could save your life. If you have suspicions, you have your reasons, and you need to know your (and his) life is not in danger.
 
If these suspicions were more than being paranoid, then of course. By that, I mean something is actually off such as lack of communication, taking phone calls outside, discovery of an online profile like Grindr...etc, etc.

Questions like 'are you cheating on me?' might not work so well. That could be backfire. If he didn't tell you before, what makes you think he'll tell you just because you asked?
 
When I was suspecting my ex of cheating, I never checked his email or texts. The thought came up, but as said before, that would give him as much a right to invade my privacy.

I agree to just ask him point-blank. It's better than just beating around the bush. If he lies, then that's his decision, but in my opinion, this is better open communication than just being passive about the matter.
 
I completely disagree with the idea that because you have a suspicion, you're entitled to do anything you damn well please. If a guy I was dating went through all my correspondence and my cell phone looking for proof of cheating I'd walk. If he was that suspicious and wouldn't come to me about it I wouldn't be interested in taking that any further. It's a bad precedent.

What if you're wrong? What if you find the proof? Either way it goes badly for you, and not only that, but the first thing he's going to do if you find something suspicious is throw your conduct back in your face.

All that does is escalate, when what you need to be doing is worrying about whether you want to be in a relationship that makes you that suspicious.

Even if you found out he was cheating does that proof solve your problem? Are you suddenly going to start trusting him because you know for a fact he's fucking around? Why would you be in a relationship that makes you that insecure?

And if you find nothing, are your suspicions going to vanish? I think not.
 
You should know whether you can trust a guy or not.

Ask why his last relationship failed. What is the general opinion of him? Is he known as a cheater? What do his friends say about him?

Do a little homework, go with your gut feelings and ask him in a way that's not confrontational like "Are we okay? Are you getting everything you need out of this relationship? I feel like you might be seeing somebody else"

There's really no great way to ask, I know...
 
I wonder how many of the replies are theoretical and how many have come from experience. There are plenty of dysfunctional relationships where one or both partners are addicts or co-dependents. Snooping goes on all the time in those relationships. Both parties and the relationship itself is sick.

A healthy person will realize that living with proven or unproven suspicion will take them down and the best option is to walk. If I have to spy in order to be reassured that my partner is not cheating I know there is something wrong with me and possibly the relationship.

Finding nothing incriminating doesn't mean a partner's not cheating. If I have to constantly check, I am mentally unhealthy, a condition requiring serious attention.
 
If you suspect him of cheating, no need to riffle thru his stuff, just go back to only having sex with a condom. If you are so upset to go thru his stuff, you don't have a real relationship based on trust anyway.
 
we have been together for 27 yrs, and NOT once have we snooped into each others things no wallets, emails text's. That is cuz we know who we are, and know who we trust.

But if one suspects the other is cheating, then it should just be asked point blank, no beating around the bush. By invading privacy one then sinks to there level. When as much as it may hurt if proven true. You being the more mature person, hold head high, and kicking there ass to the street would make one feel better than being at there level.

Cuz that can come up again w/next bf and one will go into a possible auto-distrust and carry that insecurity w/them.

Just ask point blank. If there is trust you will know if it is true or not..
 
I wouldn't. It's an invasion of privacy and I sure as heck HATE it when people try and snoop around my stuff. Seriously? You are looking through my things looking for what?

Mistrust can lead to hurt feelings.
 
lucky7 said:
If you need to check someone's texts and emails.. what are you doing together?
Click to expand...

^QFT

If you've reached the point where you are asking for permission to snoop in someone's personal communication, it's already too late.

Even if you don't find the evidence, the fact that you've gotten to this point is a sign that the relationship is on the rocks.
 
Alright I'll lay it out for you...

I snooped. and it strengthened our relationship.

I had reason to suspect that something was going on. There was a distinct communication breakdown because of high amounts of stress. I won't bore you with the details of that.

I approached him with my suspicions and he denied it. But something was still bugging me, something I couldn't put my finger on. So I snooped and found he had been sexting a couple of other guys.

I told him straight out right after I found it.

"You can yell at me later for snooping but I found something. I would like an explanation."

He explained it and the numbers were then blocked and we agreed to be more open about any and all of our problems from that point on. SO that this sort of thing would not happen again.

Since then I have not had any need to go snooping again and our communications with each other have been a lot better. In this case, and it's not always true with every case, I was justified in snooping, there was a long, heartfelt discussion dealing with our issues and things were forgiven and we moved on the better for it.

I very much love my man, we have been together for years. I am a logical and intelligent person, I know that we have stumbled along the way and we are bound to stumble again because no one is perfect. The only thing that I could do was analyze the situation, figure out the extent of the problem and whether or not it was forgivable or not. In my case it was forgivable and we were able to define ourselves a little better for it.
 
theFallenGod said:
Alright I'll lay it out for you...

I snooped. and it strengthened our relationship.

I had reason to suspect that something was going on. There was a distinct communication breakdown because of high amounts of stress. I won't bore you with the details of that.

I approached him with my suspicions and he denied it. But something was still bugging me, something I couldn't put my finger on. So I snooped and found he had been sexting a couple of other guys.

I told him straight out right after I found it.

"You can yell at me later for snooping but I found something. I would like an explanation."

He explained it and the numbers were then blocked and we agreed to be more open about any and all of our problems from that point on. SO that this sort of thing would not happen again.

Since then I have not had any need to go snooping again and our communications with each other have been a lot better. In this case, and it's not always true with every case, I was justified in snooping, there was a long, heartfelt discussion dealing with our issues and things were forgiven and we moved on the better for it.

I very much love my man, we have been together for years. I am a logical and intelligent person, I know that we have stumbled along the way and we are bound to stumble again because no one is perfect. The only thing that I could do was analyze the situation, figure out the extent of the problem and whether or not it was forgivable or not. In my case it was forgivable and we were able to define ourselves a little better for it.
Click to expand...

Perfectly put. I think you said what I was trying to say a lot better. Well said.
 
lucky7 said:
If you need to check someone's texts and emails.. what are you doing together?

If there is no trust, what is the point.
Click to expand...

This is it in a nutshell. If you can't directly ask him and tell whether he's lying or not you're best just moving on. If you have so little respect for him that the only option in your mind is to invade his privacy you don't deserve him.

As for the suggestion of cheating and not using protection..... Well that still doesn't give you the right to violate his trust. Here in the US there is the assumption of innocence until proven guilty. If you have suspicions they are just that, suspicions. They may or may not be valid. They may or may not be true. Communicate with your partner, let him know of your suspicions and why. If you truly believe he has cheated unprotected ask him to get tested. Inform him the two of you will NOT be having sex until your concerns are addressed. Ask him if he will allow you to see his private texts and emails.

The point is you do have a right to ensure your health and well being to the best of your ability, but that does NOT include invading the privacy of others, including your significant other.
 
lucky7 said:
Ah I missed that part.

So... he lied to you.
What makes you think he won't lie to you again? And just hide it better this time?

To me, if I can't trust someone.. then relationship is already over. But maybe I expect too much from people compared to others
Click to expand...


Did he lie? Yes he did... But on a whole, looking at the big picture. I could forgive it this once. As I said the circumstances were a little overwhelming at the time and I can somewhat understand what and why it happened. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. The way we grow is learning from those mistakes and bettering ourselves.

There is also the case that I know him pretty well and I know him well enough to know when he is hiding something. He is not the most expressive person on the planet.

Ultimately, I still trust him. Most of all I still love him. He made a decision, I made a decision. We both realized what happened that lead to each of those respective decisions and vowed to take the necessary steps to prevent those decisions from ever having to be made again. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak is ridiculous.

At the end of the day, I am not ashamed of what I did because it helped broach a subject that was unspoken and needed to be broached. As I said, it made us stronger for doing it rather than breaking us apart.

I will also add that the way I approach things is probably a lot different than a lot of other people, and though this method worked for us and helped us in the long run it's most definitely not for just anyone. It worked for the 2 of us because I didn't approach him after the fact emotionally upset and unreasonable. I approached him saying this is what I found, I would like some answers and after that we can have a nice, long, honest discussion about how to proceed from here.
 
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