Would you have told him?

[doctorsun]

My job requires that I work with a partner everyday. We leave our office and drive in a company truck to job sites where we control traffic for construction and utility companies. For the last week, I've been working with the same guy. We've worked together a few times before and we get along really well. Today on the way back from our job site, we were following a car with an HRC equality sticker. He said something along the lines of "that's for gay rights, isn't it?" and I said that it was and that I have one, too. Then he said that he had told his sister that he would get one for his car if she gave him one and how that amazed his sister (I naturally assumed at this point that his sister is a lesbian). So, I started thinking "cool, this guy is comfortable with gay people and I can tell him that I'm gay." I don't tell everyone I work with that I'm gay because, well, it just plain doesn't come up very often. Plus, I work with a lot of very conservative-minded people and I can't be sure how certain people would react. These people have my safety in their hands and I don't want any unneeded hostility. So, I was about to say something when he said that his sister didn't think he would want an equality sticker because he acts so uncomfortable around her gay friends. He then said he acts that way because he doesn't like how they hit on him even though they know he's straight. To me, that came off as rather ignorant. I then started having second thoughts about telling him because I didn't want to be like "well, I'M gay..." and have him get all uncomfortable with me from now on because he assumes I'm attracted to him (I'm not) and that I've been hitting on him this whole time I've been working with him. So, I didn't say anything.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Might he have said it because he suspected you were gay?

 

[doctorsun]

Might he have said it because he suspected you were gay?

I don't think so. No one seems suspect that I'm gay...ever. It kind of bothers me because it leads to situations like this. When I do tell someone I'm gay, they're inevitably FLOORED by the revelation and I'm like "really...?" because to me, it seems really obvious that I'm gay.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Saying nothing just now was the right thing to do.

Before (and if) you decide to tell him about it, it's better that you wait a few months until you both know each other better.

 

[M4P]

By bringing it up I think he was trying to provide you with an opening. Having said that it is up to you whether or not you choose to disclose your sexuality

 

[bw92116]

Harke is right. I wouldn't say a word. I don't see how anything good can come from it.

 

[doctorsun]

Saying nothing just now was the right thing to do.

Before (and if) you decide to tell him about it, it's better that you wait a few months until you both know each other better.

The issue now, though, is that if I ever do tell him, it's going to seem like I'm COMING OUT to him as if it's something I've been hiding and I'm making a huge revelation. That's not that case at all. I've only ever come out to two people...my best friend in high school who was the first person I ever told and my mother who already knew. Everyone else in my life who happens to know I'm gay found out organically...it happened to come up in natural conversation. Personally, I don't believe that being gay is something that needs to be revealed so dramatically any more than it is something that should be hidden. It shouldn't be that important.

 

[G-Lexington]

I probably would have said, "Well, if it's any consolation, I have no interest in hitting on you.". That doesn't mean I think you did it "wrong" - that's just how I personally respond to that sort of thing.

Lex

 

[doctorsun]

I probably would have said, "Well, if it's any consolation, I have no interest in hitting on you.". That doesn't mean I think you did it "wrong" - that's just how I personally respond to that sort of thing.

Lex

I thought about saying exactly that but by that time, we had moved on in the conversation.

 

[007xBond]

does he really get hit on by his sisters friends? if so, i think he has a right to be uncomfortable with them. he said he'd accept the sticker so he doesn't seem to hate all gays. just doesn't like when people bark up the wrong tree. i could be wrong though as i don't know the whole story. oh, and i wouldn't have told him either.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Personally, I don't believe that being gay is something that needs to be revealed so dramatically any more than it is something that should be hidden. It shouldn't be that important.

It becomes different once you are in a relationship.
The temptation to say that your boyfriend is your housemate becomes very great.

I probably would have said, "Well, if it's any consolation, I have no interest in hitting on you.". That doesn't mean I think you did it "wrong" - that's just how I personally respond to that sort of thing.

Lex

That kind of thing doesn't usually work for me.

 

[oakpope]

It happened more or less similarly to me too. At work, with colleagues, and it pisses me off to no end that the right answer comes two days after the question, and that on the moment nothing intelligent comes to mind and we just don't answer. Feels like lying without intention of lying, or being a coward, etc. Not knowing really if it's appropriate or not. You're totally right I think, that coming out should'nt even exist. Should be like telling people you're left handed or something like that..
sorry for 4 am sleepless night ramblings...

 

[doctorsun]

It happened more or less similarly to me too. At work, with colleagues, and it pisses me off to no end that the right answer comes two days after the question, and that on the moment nothing intelligent comes to mind and we just don't answer. Feels like lying without intention of lying, or being a coward, etc. Not knowing really if it's appropriate or not. You're totally right I think, that coming out should'nt even exist. Should be like telling people you're left handed or something like that..
sorry for 4 am sleepless night ramblings...

You're exactly right about it feeling like lying. Sometimes I really think it would be simpler if everyone just assumed that I'm gay. Even if it led to hostility from some of the people I work with, at least there would be no surprises. My biggest fear is that I'll tell someone or they'll otherwise find out and that person would be offended or disgusted that I "hid" it and they would feel uncomfortable around me.

 

[Ganoderma]

Personally, I don't believe that being gay is something that needs to be revealed so dramatically any more than it is something that should be hidden. It shouldn't be that important.

hi Doctorsun,

I tend to agree with the posting of M4P: By bringing it up I think he was trying to provide you with an opening.

Your profile indicates that you are a male of 26, and you don't have a girlfriend / wife, and no one of your co-workers is aware of former girlfriends. Besides that, all of your female co-workers will be aware that you don't ever flirt with female co-workers, and that any flirt from any of these female co-workers towards you never ever seems to arrive on the right place.

Taken this all together, its likely that people start / might start thinking why you don't have a girlfriend / wife.

1. Doctorsun = asexual.
2. Doctorsun = very, very, very shy towards girls.
3. Doctorsun = weirdo, wacko, ugly, drugaddict, criminal, alcoholist, gambler, has big debts, etc.
4. Doctorsun = gay.

So there will be people around you who will tick off this list. So be aware that you will be less deep in the closet then you think. And even less deep, the more years will pass.

-----------------------------

And you are also totally right that being gay is not something that should be hidden. There is a very easy and a very elegant solution for this.

* get a boyfriend.

Your straight male co-workers of and around your age will talk about their girlfriend / wife in that kind of situations. Well, and you will tell about your boyfriend, or things you have done in the weekend with Male Name. That's how easy you can come out. Or you put a photo of BF on the screen of your mobile phone. Or you get a text message of BF, while doing your job in that truck with a co-worker.

Good luck, and feel free to react.

 

[ixthrock]

Tell him. It's political.

Especially if he seems comfortable enough to show support for gay rights by putting a bumper sticker on, tell him.

Some gay guys have been giving him a bad image of us. It's your responsibility to teach him that not all gay men are jerks.

 

[mbamike]

I would have done the same as you and not say a word. You are there to work, to earn a paycheck; not to socialize. If he had responded negatively if you had told him, then what?

 

[AlmondMilk]

He then said he acts that way because he doesn't like how they hit on him even though they know he's straight. To me, that came off as rather ignorant.

Well, it depends on how he acts uncomfortable. Does he say derogatory things? It doesn't seem like it. He seems like he'd be willing to be friends with a gay person as long as he doesn't get hit on. Well, the conversation changed, so what's in the past is left there.

If that were me, I'd tell him just to ease his mind that not all gay guys are like that.

 

[doctorsun]

hi Doctorsun,

I tend to agree with the posting of M4P: By bringing it up I think he was trying to provide you with an opening.

Your profile indicates that you are a male of 26, and you don't have a girlfriend / wife, and no one of your co-workers is aware of former girlfriends. Besides that, all of your female co-workers will be aware that you don't ever flirt with female co-workers, and that any flirt from any of these female co-workers towards you never ever seems to arrive on the right place.

Taken this all together, its likely that people start / might start thinking why you don't have a girlfriend / wife.

1. Doctorsun = asexual.
2. Doctorsun = very, very, very shy towards girls.
3. Doctorsun = weirdo, wacko, ugly, drugaddict, criminal, alcoholist, gambler, has big debts, etc.
4. Doctorsun = gay.

So there will be people around you who will tick off this list. So be aware that you will be less deep in the closet then you think. And even less deep, the more years will pass.

-----------------------------

And you are also totally right that being gay is not something that should be hidden. There is a very easy and a very elegant solution for this.

* get a boyfriend.

Your straight male co-workers of and around your age will talk about their girlfriend / wife in that kind of situations. Well, and you will tell about your boyfriend, or things you have done in the weekend with Male Name. That's how easy you can come out. Or you put a photo of BF on the screen of your mobile phone. Or you get a text message of BF, while doing your job in that truck with a co-worker.

Good luck, and feel free to react.

I assume that other people assume I don't have a girlfriend because I'm really overweight.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Doctorsun,

Thanks for your friendly reply. Well, then its (2) or (4). And plans to start with loosing some weight?

Anyway, I agree with many other posters that I don't see a problem telling this particular co-worker that you are gay, but also tell him that you don't have some sort of crush on him (or something like that).

This particular co-worker has a lesbian sister, and did not tell alot of bad things about lesbians (in general, or his sister in particular)? Definately, he is not a homophobe, as otherwise he would have mad bad remarks about the sign as well.

Does not mean that you should tell all other co-workers that you are gay. Take your time, and be a serious guy. Sooner or later, people will find out, or will have some clues.

How about straight female co-workers who have to do the same type of job with straight male co-workers (so both of them in the same truck, and doing the same type of work)? Does that happen? Does that cause 'problems'?

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[bankside]

When straight guys worry about getting hit on, the three most useful words I've ever come across are:

Don't flatter yourself.