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Would you rather ...

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corbenik

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Hi, everyone. I have a question which I'd thought had an obvious answer, but now I'm not so sure. A little background:

I recently met a guy over the Internet and it seemed we shared some interests. We spoke a couple days on MSN but only briefly, and on the third day I asked if he'd like to go out for a cup of coffee, to which he agreed. We met somewhere, and went to a coffee shop to talk.
The thing is, as we were talking I realized that we actually had nothing in common. Talking seemed forced, I don't think we had similar senses of humor or similar views on anything. I spoke very little and most of the time he talked about school and his thesis project, and even though it sounded interesting, I caught myself looking past him at a soccer game on TV a couple times (and I don't even like soccer).

So, I finally said I had to go cause it was a little late and I had to get up early (that was actually true). He said we should do it again and go get some dinner, and at the moment I couldn't come up with some excuse not to, so I said ok and I'd call him later on the week.
Now, I really didn't want to go out again, and I decided that he at least deserved to know that. I once cut someone out of my life by just avoiding them until they got the message, and I didn't want to do it again, I don't think that's fair to the person. So, last Friday he called me and asked what I thought about having dinner, and I refused as politely as I could and said I didn't think we'd clicked and though we shared some interests we didn't have much in common, etc. Pretty much everything I just said in this post.
He seemed to take it well, but he still sounded hurt. He said goodbye, something along the lines of "Have a nice life." (Which in my language isn't meant to be sarcastic) and hung up.

I thought this was the best thing to do, better at least than just avoiding him until he stopped calling or messaging on MSN, but I still felt bad about it. I keep remembering how he said 'goodbye'. So, after all of this (I apologize for the long post, I didn't mean to ramble :P), I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to just avoid him, "Oh, sorry, I'm really busy this week, I can't go out for dinner.", "Oh yeah, sorry I haven't called, work's just been crazy lately", etc, etc. Maybe that's more of a gradual rejection than just saying I didn't think we clicked.
I don't know, what would you guys do? Or what would you prefer if you were on the other end of this situation? I think I'd prefer being told straight up "I'm not interested" than to keep calling the guy and receive excuses or being avoided.

Thank you for reading up to this point, I really look forward to reading your thoughts on this :)
 
I disagree with Finbar.

Now if you were physically repulsed by the guy then I'd say you did the right thing.
But just having coffee with someone that you've not ever met... I don't know how you could figure you had nothing in common.

Could be that he was nervous and since you weren't talking too much he figured he'd try to fill in the gaps.
First meetings are tough, damned tough. But I'd say you should have given maybe one more chance.
Couldn't hurt to spend a couple hours at dinner with someone. And could be that you both would have been more comfortable and a bit more at ease.

First impressions are a dangerous thing sometimes. They are often wrong. I guess it also depends on what you were looking for. Since it takes time to get to know someone you'd have to invest a bit of time in getting to know one another. Sometimes the cute guy that you are attracted to right off the bat turns out to be a jerk in the long run.... and sometimes it's the other way around.

So, since you asked for opinions I've given you mine.
At least you were upfront enough to tell him straigh up why you didn't want to see him again. That was a fair and good thing to do. I know that isn't an easy thing to do either.

Best to you on your next date man.
Let us know how that one goes, OK?
 
Thank you very much for your replies, guys!

tonyboy,

Yeah, that's something I've been thinking about too. Maybe I should have given it another chance and we would have been more relaxed and could have had a better time. I doubt it though, I started having this doubts about how much we actually had in common when we started talking on MSN. For example, he is excesively formal when he talks, and I thought maybe it would be different when talking in person, but it wasn't. The tone of his conversation is like that of a scientist explaining a theory. And also it wasn't that I didn't mean to speak, he was just kind of chatty.
Our sense of humor was pretty different too, I literally didn't find any of his attempts at jokes funny, and when I'd make one he wouldn't notice. There were a lot of things that made it clear to me that he just wasn't the kind of person I'd have as a friend, or a boyfriend, even though he was a nice guy.

We were at the coffee place for close to two hours, and I think that's enough time to get a pretty good impression on someone, and at least decide whether you're interested in them or not.

After thinking about it I'm not doubting myself anymore on whether I should have tried again and had dinner with him, I'm sure it would have gone the same. I'm just wondering if rejecting his invitation like that was the right thing to do, cause he sounded hurt and I certainly don't look forward to doing it again if I have another date like this one :S
 
I tend to agree with tonyboy. What's another couple of hours. Everyone deserves a second chance. That being said, I do think being honest is better in the long run than avoiding someone online which is just disrespectful and cruel. Good luck dating. I'm very glad all that is almost a decade behind me.
 
You did the right thing, honesty is always the best way. And as for first impressions, well some people say 'you cant judge a book by it's cover' fair enough, but you can get a bloody good idea. If the spark was there, you would know. Don't feel sorry for the guy, he may have met someone else already. That's not meant to be harsh, move on and find your soulmate.
 
You did the right thing. There's a lot of people running around in the world thinking, "Is it something I said? Am I not attractive?" because no one ever said to them, "You're a great guy but we just don't have any chemstry together".

However... it is a little troublesome that, after one conversation, you've jettisoned this guy after having good conversations with him over the internet. One cannot have too many friends in life. Or was this all about finding a sexual thing, not a friend?
 
Yes, you did the right thing. Ideally, you should have said "We'll see how it goes" to getting together for dinner, but other than that, I think you handled it well. You definitely gave the guy a decent shot, and if you weren't interested, you weren't interested. Just don't drag things out - don't feel the need to keep IMing him to "soften the blow" or "prove you still like him as a friend" or anything.

Lex
 
I think you did the right thing. Rejection can be hard to give and it's definitely hard to take, but better to be clear on all fronts than for either party to be left wondering.

I'm currently in a similar situation and it's hard to see where I stand. If I just accept the situation for what it is, I think it's fine, but if I start to analyse it and wonder if he really likes me or how he sees the sitation, then the waters muddy a little :confused:

I'd much rather he tell me straight out if he's not into it. It would hurt, sure, but at least it would not be drawn out over more time to finally hurt more if things went sour.

So yeah, I think you did the right thing. Well done for having the courage to say what was on your mind and for having the decency and honesty not to give the guy false hope.

I hope you find what you're looking for!

(*8*)
 
you did the right thing. if you guys were not even clicking on a friend level. then why go out again?
 
Like everyone else has said, you did the right thing and handled it very well.

Having said that, think about whether you are so wrapped up in yourself though, that you cut yourself off from new experiences, different interests and possible platonic friendships with others.
 
You should have given the guy a second chance.
You guys were meeting for the first time, maybe he was nervous.
You were nervous probably.

Maybe you could have had a great time at dinner.
who knows.
but its good that you didnt lead him on.
Telling him you werent interested was good but it would have been better to do it in person.
Breaking up with someone over the phone sucks.
other than that.
I would have done the same.
 
Try dinner for one more shot...It is worth two hours AND it will help relieve your guilt feelings.
 
better to do it quickly than lead him on. about the second chance, well, first impressions are often wrong, true, but as you said, 2 hours is plenty of time to gage what someone's about. if they really turned you off that much, that says something.
 
Hey you gave it a try it didn't work. No harm, no foul. You did the right thing. No one likes to be rejected, so I'm sure he was a little angry. But he'll get over it much quicker this way, so you did the right thing.

I myself have learned to have a "two date" minimum rule. Make sure I know how I feel. But that's what works for me, do whatever you think is right for you. You did the the best you could. You cannot spare anyone pain usually, just be upfront, honest, and direct in your own feelings. I'm sure he was over it pretty quickly, and now working on finding someone else, much like you are doing.
 
Hey, guys! Thank you so much for all the feedback, it really helps.
About the second date chance, I really don't think it would have been any different. I don't think either of us was nervous on the first one, we just didn't find much to talk about. And to be honest, I was so bored that I really didn't want to go through another two hours like that again.:?

And I'm glad that most think telling him was better, I thought the same thing but I guess it's just easier said than done. Anyway, thank you very much for your opinions. :)
 
I think people deserve not to be stood up or ignored without any reason. That would hurt me more.

So I think you did the correct thing completely. It's not easy, though, so commendations.
 
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