So about a few months ago a guy got hired and he made a point to go around and shake everybody's hand. Nice Guy. So when he shook my hand I got a strange feeling that he was gay/Bi. Turns out he's Bi, That's cool I'm Bi too but I don't make a point to tell anybody(so I guess I'm in a closet?). We just happened to share the same office (great) he's a very talkative person and I'm a silent person. So he's telling me his life story, older guy old enough to be my father(i'm 21 and he's about 47) new to the city. So were talking and says he say's i'm extremely handsome and he would love to take pictures of me (pause) "I said like a photo shoot?!? Uh OoooK" That's a bold statement if you ask me. So since he kinda creeped me out with that I've been avoiding him without avoiding him.He asked if he could take me out for my birthday, which I agreed to but I brought along another co-worker so I could have an out. He's always inviting me to his house to hang out. I'll tell him "yeah, sure" and not show up or I'll tell him i'm busy with alot of work just to get him out of my hair for a few days. So now I think he's angry with me for breaking so many appointments. Lately I would say hello" and he'll ignore me. I understand. But I would still like to keep a business level of friendship and I feel bad for ditching him so many times. I just hope he sees that it isn't personal I just have to keep my distance especially being a bi Black male it just wouldn't look good associating with him outside of work. Maybe I'm reading his intentions wrong and he just wants to be friends. I dunno I just feel bad that he's upset with me. What can I do?
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Wow! Now I Feel Bad
- Thread starter Sha-Rok
- Start date
gingentleman
JUB Addict
I would have to urge you to grow a pair and jump out of your closet, be honest with people who try to befriend you and be honest with yourself.
racer2438
JUB Addict
So you should have been honest with him and told him thanks but not thanks. You should told him you were not interesested in any sexual situations. I would like to be a good coworker friend for now. But I am not interested at this time for side stuff, but thanks anyway.
That way it would have been clear from the get go.
It stead you took the chicken way out and now you are seeing the after effects of what you created.
So a good apology is in order..
That way it would have been clear from the get go.
It stead you took the chicken way out and now you are seeing the after effects of what you created.
So a good apology is in order..
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There are a lot of complicated factors but the bottom line is that there's no rule that says that you have to socialize with coworkers away from the office. There are those would argue that you should have personal friends and work friends and never the two should overlap.
If you're not comfortable with these invitations, should should say, "No, thanks". If that doesn't do it say, "I don't really hang out with coworkers away from the office". And if that doesn't do it- be direct and tell him that he's making you uncomfortable and that he needs to back off.
If you're not comfortable with these invitations, should should say, "No, thanks". If that doesn't do it say, "I don't really hang out with coworkers away from the office". And if that doesn't do it- be direct and tell him that he's making you uncomfortable and that he needs to back off.
backpacker
fka "vetteboi"
To some degree you have been leading him on by agreeing to come to him place, even if you don't show up. He apparently has the point that you don't want to hang out. Since you feel bad, the best thing you can do is apologize to him for not just telling him that you didn't want to hang out. If he offers again, just straight up tell him that you are not interested in hanging out. You don't need to mention anything about sex, etc. He is more than double your age and most guys your age aren't looking to hang out with a 47 year old. No explanation should be necessary, especially if he have the nerve to ask you again.
Just to play devil's advocate to everything everyone just said:
You did say he was new at the office. You never said if he was new in town, new in the area or what. He might just want a friendship.
You could choose the not dickhead approach and agree to meet him out somewhere in public. If he comes on to you, turn him down politely, but otherwise, he may just be looking for a friend...
No one ever truly what someone's true intentions are unless they are laid out on the line. Especially for us (the gays) we should know that sometimes it's difficult finding friends in the community without underlying intentions. You can't assume everyone wants to sleep with you.
Then again I don't know what context or in what situation he has been asking you to come round or do things with him.
You did say he was new at the office. You never said if he was new in town, new in the area or what. He might just want a friendship.
You could choose the not dickhead approach and agree to meet him out somewhere in public. If he comes on to you, turn him down politely, but otherwise, he may just be looking for a friend...
No one ever truly what someone's true intentions are unless they are laid out on the line. Especially for us (the gays) we should know that sometimes it's difficult finding friends in the community without underlying intentions. You can't assume everyone wants to sleep with you.
Then again I don't know what context or in what situation he has been asking you to come round or do things with him.
I know it seems like I was leading him on but he's a very persistent person. It's almost like he'll make plans with me without me knowing. It'll be like "I'm off work on this Wednesday, your usually not at work on Wednesday lets hang out if your free" I will say "if i have time, sure". Knowing that I wouldn't go even if I did have time. He ask if he can have my number and that he was looking for a new room mate, & wanted me to model for him (this happened within a week of meeting this guy), Granted it may have been innocent I still find that odd(he doesn't know I'm Bi.) It takes me awhile to trust people so for him to come at me with all this was like ummmhhh? I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make it seem like I have a problem with his sexuality. I will apologize to him and just keep our convo's to "hi". thanks for the suggestions.
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Here's the problem with political correctness- we try so hard to be accepting and open-minded that we don't stop inappropriate behavior.
If you were a young female and a straight co-worker made these advances (and that's exactly what they are- advances) to you, would that be acceptable? No.
Just because you both have dicks doesn't excuse the behavior. Just because this guy is openly gay at work doesn't excuse it either.
Stop being an enabler. You need to put an end to this behavior (or as someone else said, "Grow a pair"). If this guy doesn't get the hint, complain to your supervisor and have him moved out of your office. Or you can complain to HR and get him fired.
And before you start wondering, yes- it is that serious.
backpacker
fka "vetteboi"
I don't think anyone is blaming you for not hanging out with him. Honestly, he seems sort of creepy. The whole modeling thing is just too weird, especially after knowing him for less than a week.
I'm reconsidering my advice to apologize. The way you explained the situation in your update, you never committed to going to his house. You left open the possibility, but didn't actually say you were going. Essentially you were trying to be polite and hoping he would get the hint. Not really the best way to handle it, but not exactly what you said in the original post. If that's all you did and he is ignoring you, I would say you should count your blessings.
The more I think about the situation, the more red flags his behavior sends. He may very well be using the silent treatment to make you feel guilty. A way to manipulate you. If you apologize, he may start his advances all over again. If you do apologize, don't engage in any banter about what you did, all he wanted, etc. If he starts that, just say you want to have a professional working relationship. Honestly, you may be better off letting him give you the silent treatment. If you think about it, it's pretty immature and unprofessional for him to act that way.
trawler69
Extreme Muppet
Do both of you a favour and tell him that you are happy to be friends but that is as far as it will go. You don't even have to come out to him if you can't face it. Just let him know that you have no problem with what he is into, just that, sexually, you are not into him!
youngnihilist
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Don't apologize or give this creep the light of day. He's a predator - inviting you to constantly hangout and trying to take pictures of you. If this was a 21 year old female, and a 47 year old man was constantly asking her to hang out and take photos of her, we all know that man would be fired for sexual harassment IMMEDIATELY. This is no different.
Minimize your time with him, be rude and blunt if you must. It's too bad people like that are out there in the world.
Minimize your time with him, be rude and blunt if you must. It's too bad people like that are out there in the world.
EXACTLY! I can't believe no has brought this up until now! Forget "stringing him along", the guy is sexually harassing and that should under NO circumstances be tolerated! I don't blame you for trying to get him off your back the way you are...it's probably the most comfortable way for you to do it while being backed into the corner. HOWEVER, you do need to take the situation into your hands if you want it to stop...whether you simply ask him to stop because it makes you uncomfortable or you report him...it HAS to stop. Best of luck to you!
Damn I didn't even see it as sexual harassment. I didn't see him at work yesterday so I didn't apologize yet and probably wont the more I think about it. I'll just leave it as is with him giving the silent treatment and stay out of that office room and use the back rooms. If he tries to strike up a a conversation about meeting up I'll give a straight forward no. Thanks for the advice.
To: Lalada- I don't understand how I was stringing him on. It wasn't like I would ditch him and say "how about another day" He'll keep asking me to come over time after time of me not showing up.I know I should have said no but I didn't want to seem unfriendly. I thought he'll get the hint that I'm not interested in coming to his house. I was content in keeping a friendly work relationship with him as with everybody else. People invite me to parties all the time, sometimes I show up sometimes I won't and if I didn't show up its no big deal where still cool.
To: Lalada- I don't understand how I was stringing him on. It wasn't like I would ditch him and say "how about another day" He'll keep asking me to come over time after time of me not showing up.I know I should have said no but I didn't want to seem unfriendly. I thought he'll get the hint that I'm not interested in coming to his house. I was content in keeping a friendly work relationship with him as with everybody else. People invite me to parties all the time, sometimes I show up sometimes I won't and if I didn't show up its no big deal where still cool.
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Having seen a few of these situations play out over the years, I can tell you- emphatically- that you are dead wrong.
There are several court cases supporting the concept of sexual harassment and hostile work environment based totally upon inappropriate behaviors. Physical contact and overt propositions are not required. All that matters is that the behavior is inappropriate to the point that the other party is made to feel uncomfortable.
OP does need to be clear on, "No" however. His attempts to be nice and polite have not sent the clear message that he wants no part of this guy's advances and attempts to "photograph him". If the behavior persists, he should talk to his supervisor/manager about the situation. Having another party aware of the situation and a witness to the inappropriate behavior always works in your favor.
HR departments take this situation seriously. If OP can cite specific instances of inappropriate behavior that have been repeated and that he has been clear that he is not interested, then the situation will be dealt with swiftly and finally. In all probability, the person will be escorted from the building and terminated immediately.
Hopefully it will not come to that, however.
youngnihilist
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Yeah, seriously, especially in male/female cases, the slightest thing can get you in trouble for sexual harassment. It shouldn't be any different with male/male.
backpacker
fka "vetteboi"
You never bothered to say "no". Nor did he as you for sex or a date according to you very own statements here. Nor touch you, nor grope you, nor many other things that would make a case for harassment.
If you want to go to HR and say "sexual harassment" you will likely get labeled as "that guy" and your managers roll their eyes when they hear about the version of the events from both you and him and how you will look when the other guy sits there stunned in disbelief and tells his side of the story of how he just asked you to go hang out, and you kept saying "sure". Being "that guy" in almost any corporation these days is a death sentence to your career there. Tread very, very carefully.
Just stand up for yourself, tell him firmly "no thanks I'm really too busy these days, sorry", and leave it at that. Polite but firm. Be clear. Don't assume "he gets it". Then if he keeps any similar type behavior up, then and only then, would I pursue an HR option. But, I'm betting he really didn't mean that much harm and your problem is solved.
Learning to say no is a critical skill.
He didn't say anything about going to HR or making a big deal out of it. He just said he had never considered that it could be sexual harassment. He also said that if asked again that he would give a firm NO. Cut the guy a break.