Wraithsa - Archived Blog Posts

[wraithsa]

So i realized that i'm getting homesick . It took me a while OK. The running helps take my mind off things cause i'm too fcuking dead afterwards to do anything but wish some decent human being shoots me to put me out of the misery of the pain. My mind had worked overtime and i'm writing shit down. Missing my yoga teacher - a sourse of inspiration and wisdom. She always said the unreflected upon life isn't worth living - so i reflect and reflect and reflect ...I can't help wondering why i did the big move thing and whether or not this is a perminant thing. I had a great job, good friends and a loving family - not to mention the most adorable god son in the world. My mates back home were getting on with their lives - getting engaged, married, buying homes and cars, having kids - getting on with their lives. But something was missing - i was looking for something. Just never thought the thing i was looking for was myself. As the song says "i'm just trying to be somebody - i'm not trying to be somebody else - this life is mine i'll live it".

Now i'm in a new Western country - where it takes me 15min to figure out what milk to buy and get confused when prices don't include tax. And i pick the most gay unfriendly province - just my luck.

maybe i'll take out a classified ad

LOST - myself if found pls return to

wraithsa - dazed and confused

 

[wraithsa]

SO I'm back hope you all missed me - sorry i need to sort myself out as i had a lot of things going on in my head. Hopped in the truck early Saturday not having a clue where to go - switched on the radio and they were playing "go west young man" - i shit u not so i headed west from toon town (Saskatoon for all u non Canuks). 17 hours later i was in Vancouver - couldn't ride any further so i went to the beach had a swim and thought i should find a place to stay so i asked around some yoga places and found an ashram further east. Got the ashram the Sunday morning and asked if i could see the guy who ran the place. The guru in charge - old east Indian guy -come out and we chatted. After a while he looked at me and asked me where my heart was. Kinda strange ! - he said my heart chakra was bleeding and he could hardly sense it. So i told him what was going through my mind and what was happening in my life - he said i could stay and that we would work on find my heart again. For seven days i woke up and followed his instruction of asana meditation reflection and then at the end of the day we'd chat over supper on the days meditations - that was seven vegetarian days which means nothing to you unless u understand that south African are carnivores. After seven days he said he sense the green returning to my heart chakra but that i should go spend some time in nature to recharge and journal my thoughts. Needless to say i thanked him with a Harri aum shanti and was off again in my red truck.i headed east again and spent the last six days in the rockies by myself. So what's changed u ask? well I'm still dazed but I'm a little less confused.I think I'm supposed to be where i am now though i don't really know why. I also don't try get too worked up looking for all the right answers - i kinda think I'm not ready for them - at the moment I'm just happy to live the questions - cause thats the point isn't it to live all of it - maybe one day I'll be lucky enough to live myself into the answers.

Well now that I've bored u to death with my life I've gotta get back to the grind stone - work is not happy with me and my boss sent me a HUGE Pooh sandwich in the form of an email - but he admits he need me so i suppose thats a good thing.

See u boys in the forums
wraithsa - just dazed

 

[wraithsa]

whilst commenting on someones thread the other day irealized i've been single for 3 years with no sex ( thay make for some huge forearms i tell u ). i suppose it was my discision really as i had broken up with ex - a really messy affair about my career and his lack of one . i naturally buried myself in work. Now i find the gay thing difficult in south africa - it better now not like in the past but still u can't help feel shit scared someones gonna take a baseball bat to your head for being different. So here i find myself in the west where gay marriage is now in the law books and hell i'm doing shit with the opportunity. So i made my action plan on how to put myself back in the game
1.) i'm moving out of the basement i'm in at the moment - literally i stay with my boss - and have found an appartment for little old me. The guys married with kids and thinks i'm straight so bring home a hunky piece of manflesh and then keeping them awake with the loud moaning could give them all a stroke. Moving in in two weeks time and i'm very excited.
2.) started looking after the body like i used to - the abs are getting there slowly but surely
3.) Making a concerted effort to go out and meet people - who knows there might be other gay guys in Toon town - i'm nervous as all hell. i feel like i'm fourteen and about to ask someone out for the first time its just awkward.

The one thing that really scares me at the mo is finding the only other gay guy around and then being rejected - just don't think i'll be able to handle that very well right now. Oh god it feels so weird

well wish me luck mates
wraithsa - gay south african comming to a canadian city near u

 

[wraithsa]

So what's all about really. The purpose - the plan - the grand scheame of things. We live in a cruel crazy beautiful world where most of us just try to survive one day at a time. Where's the substance where's the meat to this existance. i feel very detatched -like a leaf in the wind being blown hither and thither. I'm like a tree without roots or a ship without an anchor - how long can i survive before i perish for lack of nurishment or am broken against the rocks when the next storm comes. i get up in the morining and go to work and at night i go to bed - for with rest comes sleep and souls delivery. BUT would anything change if i weren't there - if were erased as it were - gone without a trace. I wonder sometimes.

Alone and yes lonely. Tis best to have loved and lost than never to have loved before - i don't know -what's worse? Knowing your love was suddernly denied, rejected , betrayed or not knowing if u will ever be loved. It not that i feel the need for someone to complete me i'm whole as it is - well as whole as one can be. Though having someone makes me more than what i am - which is just me.

wraithsa - just me

 

[wraithsa]

i swear i live from one crisis to another - not that many people care but hey. So i'm at work the cell rings its an international call from home - maybe its my family. So i answer - SHOCK. Its Sean my ex who i haven't seen or spoken to in forever since we broke up. I am speachless. my mind is just racing - where did he get my number , how does he know where i am and what the fuck is he doing phoning me . He's the one who wanted the grand divide for shit sake and blamed it on me! So i do the small the talk thing and he says he's got to tell me something important. He's in hospital very ill and the doctors say he positive. WTF - now i know he had been with other guys before me and god knows he probably had been with a few after me ( if you him he has that face and body that just screams i wanna fcuk u). He says he phoned to make sure i'd been tested ( with my job i'm tested for everything every six months and i now i'm negative) then he says that he still loves me and that i was the his only true love and that no one understood him quite like i did and he misses me and he knows the break up was actually all his fault and he wishes we hadn't broken up etc etc. Now i'm in tears cause he was my first and only and i Really loved him and its taken years to get over this plowing myself into my job to numb the pain and all. Then he says the doctors don't know how long he's got left and he wishes i was there .Well Pack your bags kids we're going on a guilt trip. Turns out he went all i'm-a-pornstar-slut-who-loves-to-fcuk-everything-that moves-and-preferably-bearback after the broke up and thinks thats how he got the virus - NO SHIT. So now i don't know what to do. Do i travel back home to see him potentially one last time or do i say screw it. Shit this always happens but i think i still love him


wraithsa - dazed and confused again

 

[wraithsa]

Firstly thanks to all the guys out there for all their support - it is REALLY appreciated as i have few folks to unpack this on and my mates who know what's happening aren't always there at all hours. So as u know i arrived back in south africa after being delayed in heathrow for a couple of days and eventually arrived three days late. Off to the hospital to see Sean. I managed to corner his internist who gave me the low down and access to his chart ( one of my few doctor privilages). The boy was telling the truth - he is dying. He has and AIDS defining cancer - Kaposi's sarcoma - and its all over except his skin - which confused his GP when he first presented. He has also been shifted from one drug regimine to another as the viral strain he has is very resistant and they've just run out of drug options really. So he's been deemed a palliative case and they're keeping him comfortable until . . . So I saw him - he was very surprised i'd come but was in tears and said it was the best thing that had happened for a long time. We've been chatting about life and doing a lot of crying together ( and alone). Sunday i arrived to find him in tears as he said he realized he was going to die - was very drunk sunday. I see him everyday - get to chat to his folks and some of his rugby mates ( they don't know he's gay ) . Well his mom knows because she when she saw me we chatted and she said that she'd always suspected and when she heard form Sean i'd flown over was conviced. I of cause am still VERY MUCH in the closet with only a few of my mates in SA who know - so. So we take it one day at a time - the good days and the bad days - and we wait for the inevitable in the hopes that when it happens i'll still have something left of my heart

wraithsa -

 

[wraithsa]

So its nearly four weeks since i came back to SA to see Sean - my ex. Its been a rollercoaster so far and the ride isn't over yet. early last week i got worried that Sean was coughing up blood and wasn't breathing well at all - so i got his physician to work him up for pneumonia and - i was right - so it was more antibiotics and oxygen and nebulizations. But none of these seem to have doen much good - slowly but surely he become so short of breath he can't speak for more than a coiple of seconds without being exhausted. I on the other hand have had to find a part time job here to "tie me over " till i get back to canada (its not that money makes the world go round but ask anyone who is short of cash and they'll tell u their world has stopped)

My Day :-
1.)Go to work in the morning
2.)Drive to hospital at 12h30
3.)Check what's new medically speaking till 13h30
4.)Sit with Sean - chat to him , read to him , lisyen to music, hold his hand - try not to cry
5.) Leave about tenish for home - eat something and get ready for the next day

Twice a week i go to Yoga to destress as much as possible under the watchfulk eye of my instructor - she's really sweet. My folks are concerned i'm getting "too involved" with Sean as he was only a "very good friend" - yes i'm presumed heterosexual - and sean is straight too - of cause. So it bites my folks not knowing but coming out now would kill me (and probably them too)- i'm not kidding.

But as much as i REALLY want to leave - i can't - i still love the boy and although we aren't "together" anymore i need to see this through to the end else i don't think i'll be able to forgive myself or move on. So i'm here till then - so sorry to all the canadian boys - looks like i'll be missing the JUB meet - but i promise to be at the next one - i'll be the disfunctional south african

till then
cheers boys

 

[wraithsa]

So the funeral seems like a lifetime ago - and it was beautiful. So many people. I did the eulogy - cause i was asked and there was only one set of dry eyes - mine - i just couldn't cry- not anymore - i was just numb since Sean passed away. I was then told i was the executrer of Sean's estate and i had to read the will - that was last week thursday. So nervous as all hell the day arrives and i'm in the black suit with all the individuals named int he will and the family ( sister and a younger brother). So i read the document hands sweating like there's no tomorrow. The boy was not poor - i always knew he was well off but he was actually stinking rich. So i get to last paragraph and its to me. I choke - but i have to read out aloud. He said he would have left me everything but he knew i would refuse his money because of who i am ( he's right i don't take handouts) and so he leaves me a box for me to open whenever i wish. So reading the will finished i dash out of there box in hand and spend all of thursday afternoon and evening looking at it. Friday came and still i couldn't open it. So my crazy isiter dumps my godson off in the afternoon and i'm reading and he's playing and he gets hold of the box and asks me who's present it is. He's four. I say its mine and that its from a very special friend. He wants to know why i haven't open it yet - and do i need any help. He always opens my presents christmas and on my birthday. So i sit him next to me on the floor and open it. Inside there was a rugby jearsy(the same one he wore when we met) a frame picture of him and a letter. I opened the letter and read it and i started to cry. It was like he was right next to me all over again. My sister picked up the boy and i spent the weekend on my bed crying my eyes out staring at Sean's face and holding that jearsy as close as i could. My heart has never been this sore ever but it was good to be able to feel again - even if itwas painful. I miss him - God how i miss him

 

[wraithsa]

Hey boys

So i fly back to canada tomorrow - but with mixed feelings. I've been back in SA now for two months and have started to wonder why i left. My experience with Sean , being back in "familiar territory" with family and my mates , and then there's that "thing" that happened between a good mate and i when we went to chill down at the sea ( the drought in my sex life ended). And i have been offered the chance to specialize - they phoned me out of the blue. So i have decided to st ick it out in Canada for another year - only this time i'm gonna concentrate on enjoying life more than diving headlong into my job - hey i was there a year and i've not skied or seen a hockey game. I think i owe myself that much - after a year who knows maybe i'll move back to south africa and start specializing or . . . hey i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. As for now i need to finish repacking ( i'm a bit OCD )and when i chat to u boys again it'll be on BROADBAND.

PS - thanks boys for all the support whilst i was here - it really is appreciated - really


Wraithsa - still a bit dazed but not confused

 

[wraithsa]

Work - omg i could have sworn there was a sign on my forehead that said please screw me ( and not in the good gay sense either). They are making me work my birthday and christmas this year and may just add in new years - cause you don't have any friends and family to celebrate with do you (cold slap in the face that i tell you). So i'm convincing them i actually have a life ( small and insignificant i know but its mine ) since i want to go skiing as i have never doen it before and i think it will be a hoot - and who knows maybe i'll meet some cute guys on the slopes - or in the emergency room after i've done myself an injury. I'm settling down into a routine og work work work work and then there is an exam comming up i need to study for. For some reason the country thinks foreigners ( ie yours truely) need to rewrite their exams to ensure they aren't total wankers - and to make a few (thousand bucks on the side). It doesn't matter my degree is internationally recognised and the institution i went rates in the top 25 in the world or that three other countries have registered me as fully licensed on their councils with no hint of an exam - it reminds me of the song from that animated show "blame Canada". Oh well life goes on - and so do we and all we can be sure of is change. just hope there is man out there who's looking for me as hard as i'm looking for him.

 

[wraithsa]

So i met this guy online - here at jubbers right, He is very cute and sweet and we've corresponding for a while getting to know each other as it were. Just email and then we landed up spending hours IM eachother and then finally we I phoned him. I think i falling for him in a big way - a BIG way. But as usual my life is never quite that simple - he is with someone at the moment - attatched and off the market - and i respect that and wouldn't want to interfer with that relationship - i don't think i'd forgive myself if i did - so we're just friends and i can be happy and thankfull for that - and i am. Still it doesn't change the fact that i can't stop thinking about him or dreaming about him or longing to hear his voice say my name. I think i've got it bad boys - and there's nothing i can do

 

[wraithsa]

So - the object of my desire broke up with his partner of 3 years and is free as a bird and more importantly - AVAILABLE. Now i told u have it BAD for this guy but in true cricketing fashion "i don't bat on a sticky wicket". I always said he should come and spend the weekend with me the mountians of alberta and GUESS WHAT - i'm picking him up at the airport January for a LONG weekend of "getting to know u , getting to know all about yoü . . . " (he sings in true Julie Andrews the sound of music fashion). We've decided its still TOO early for anything serious but we'll see what happens and if we REALLY like eachother and are compatable - as i don't want him off the rebound either. This will be my first internet connection and romance - i'm both excited and scared shitless - and can't fucking wait for january - just hope he likes me as much in person as he has on the net and over the phone

wish me good luck boys

wraith over and out

 

[wraithsa]

its been about 16 months since i wasnt single -

16 long months of waking up alone , putzing around the homestead by myself , falling asleep with my bunny for company. Im still not used to it - i visit my good friends J+E as often as i can , work and WOW myself into oblivion haha - try haul my ass to gym ( add 16 months of comfort eating -> i really should say im IN a relationship with carbs lol ). Ive spring cleaned and renovated trying to paint and plaster over memories - ive talked the ear off my therapist - ive painted a HUGE canvas in fits of emotion.

ive come to the conclusion that the emotions and memories dont go away with plaster or paint or anger or tears or very large amounts of gin . SO im trying to cherish the good ones and forget the bad ones and to remind myself that love exists ive worn the engagement ring i bought on my left ring finger.

So yes - id agree - im not the easiest person in the world to get along with ( understatement ) im not the most muscular or physically attractive person in the world ( sucks little flabdomen in subconsciously ) and well im more than a little socially awkward (turtle) and then there is over 30 is old in gay terms aarrgg. Im an average guy with a good job a house and a car . . . who cant find a date - not that i even know if im ready for one . . . but its kinda nice to be asked.

TIll then ill be trying to enjoy the distractions life has in the form of kayaking snowboarding traveling cooking eating (in MODERATION ) and maybe even spoiling myself a little - and at night ill snuggle with my bunny and turn the ring around my finger a few times and maybe just maybe have a full nights sleep for the first time in more than year

 

[wraithsa]

been visitin my family in south african - only get to see em once a year since i moved to canada and this year my trip was delayed as i was waiting to see if i got in to study and surprise i was rejected again . . . So seeing the family how wonderful time to relax and chill and do nothing - if only. i got home and walked around and was nearly in tears - the place is run down the garden looked like a jungle things were falling apart . . . i was embarrassed my parents live like this. My dad physically cant do any of the repair and financially they really cant .So i re landscaped the garden and started the repairs and got a friend of mine who is a general contractor to quote on the big stuff i cant do. its been 3 weeks and im tired and sore . . . my hands blistered and calloused and im popping ibuprofen+codeine. So far the only breaks ive really had were a 2 hour discussion with dads cardiologist to hopefully avoid a valve replacement and babysitting for my best friend for a bit. I did manage to go see thor which i landed up going to see all by myself as noone wanted to go see it or were busy aarrggg. I leave in over a week and its terrible to say but im looking forward to going home and sleeping in my own bed with my bunny and maybe planning a real holiday . . . so tired - anyways enough pity party bitch session i have siding to sand and paint and then repair some drains to fix paint and find covers for

 

[wraithsa]

 

[wraithsa]

i think that life can be summarized in one line "sad truths and happy lies".

Over the last few months I've been figuring out who my real friends are - now i don't have a lot of friends period and i do what i can for the ones i do have - and then they never want to hang out or do things and definitely avoid any form of interaction unless they want or need something. Sadly finding out that there is an underlying self centredness and self absorption to most of the people i thought are my friends is very disheartening. i don't make friends easily at all. Guess i now have a lot more "acquaintances"


sigh/