Dammit, I'm starting to feel that yearning for intimacy again. Dating tends to be so awkward and terrible, why can't I just skip to the good part (no, not sex)? I just want to be held by someone I care for and who cares for me; a someone who is male and adorable. Fuck, and that dude who messaged me on xTube who wants me to bang him, fuck. Dammit. I want to want that, but all I really want is a guy to be with, to game with, fall asleep with, make cookies for. I don't remember how to date, it's been, like, six years since he left for Montreal (good on him, though, I'm really happy he took his life to new heights). Six years! That's crazy! I didn't realize it had been so long.
Up until recently I've been really content being single, it's been really great. Now I have all these strange insecurities popping up to tell me why I can't, and I know they're all bullshit because anyone worth dating is going to like me for who I am. So I'm a roleplaying nerd who meditates and is into manga. I like who I am, and I've worked really hard to like who I am. Dammit. Bah.
if all our life is but a dream
fantastic posing greed
then we should feed our jewelry to the sea
for diamonds do appear to be
just like broken glass to me
and then she said she can't believe
that genius only comes along in
storms of fabled foreign tongues
tripping eyes and flooded lungs
the northern downpour sends its love
hey moon, please forget to fall down
hey moon, don't you go down
And then there's this damn embarrassing crush I have on him and I know he's unattainable, but every time I hear his voice my knees buckle, and every time I see his smile my brain shuts off. I know it'll pass and I just gotta hang in there without making an ass of myself in the meantime. I think I can handle that. I'm sure he'd be flattered, but ... just, no. Fuck. Why the hell do I wake up thinking about him in ways that are completely non-sexual, but are full of wanting just to be held and hear him say nice things to me? I want to tell him how much it means to me just to be in the same room as him - it makes everything feel okay; or how sometimes when I'm near him I feel like my head is just going to explode and I don't know how to deal with it other than just scribble bad stick-man comics in my notebook.
And, yet, despite all these confused emotions and frustrating desires, I'm still really grateful that I can experience these things and verbalize them because so many people can't. So even though the confusion and the frustration are generally not pleasant, I'm still glad that I can feel them and it's just so crazy that a squishy lump of neurons in my skull is creating all of these complex thoughts and impressions. The world is just so freakin' crazy beautiful, as fuckin' scary as it can be at times.
I still trip balls every time I think that one day I'm going to take my last breath, and it'll be lights out, and I'll be just gone. No one will really ever know what it was like to be me, to experience this universe from my seat. All of this, this is just for me, and I have to marvel at the other billions of human beings on this world going through their lives that's just for them and no one else. Who will they ever tell their stories to? I want them to all know that, even though I may want to scream and douse a lot of them in petrol, I'm still glad we got to share this world together, even just for this brief life.
And I'm sober as holy hell right now, too.
So much for it being the alcohol.
