You can't get close to people, they might hurt you

[BlueLantern]

I caught myself thinking that another day... Is sort of the way I leading my life... even if I never actually admitted to myself that.

I am afraid that people will find out that I am gay, and even if it is not a issue in the case... I still afraid of the rejection.

I never seem to be able to connect to people... and might just be because I am either to afraid or to desperate for it...

well... how damaged is someone who thinks "You can't get emotionally close to people, they might hurt you" ?

 

[hanshansen]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

How damaged is someone who thinks "You can't get emotionally close to people, they might hurt you" ?

Not sure if that's such an interesting question.

You describe how you think. Do you have a sense of how you tend to act?

How hard would it be to act differently? For example, suppose someone tells you about their personal issues or signals they want to find out about the inner you. Would you be able to make yourself tell them a bit about what's going on in your personal life or thoughts (even if you'd prefer not to)? That's an act of 'getting emotionally close to people'.

 

[BlueLantern]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

How hard would it be to act differently? For example, suppose someone tells you about their personal issues or signals they want to find out about the inner you. Would you be able to make yourself tell them a bit about what's going on in your personal life or thoughts (even if you'd prefer not to)? That's an act of 'getting emotionally close to people'.

I don't talk much at all... and this stuff I would never talk with people who I am close on a daily basis.

 

[stripes]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

you're not the only one. i have friends but none who i am really, really close with. Even with my closest friends, if i start to get really close i back off without realising. it's a defence mechanism we use to keep from getting hurt i guess. i'm not sure about you but it's just something i do subconsciously.

 

[hanshansen]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I don't talk much at all... and this stuff I would never talk with people who I am close on a daily basis.

Would it be so hard to start?

Maybe not with the people who you've known for years, but what about new people as you get to know them and they show you that it's safe to do so?

Sometimes it's like when you dive and you aren't used to it. You count and you hold your nose and you jump, and then it's out of your hands. I don't enjoy it, but every time I've done it I've survived it .

 

[Magician]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

What's ironic is that the people who think this way are the people who end up causing people to think that way.

 

[BlueLantern]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

What's ironic is that the people who think this way are the people who end up causing people to think that way.

huh... what? o.o??

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

You're partially right. Opening up to people does put your feelings at risk. But that doesn't mean:

1. People will definitely hurt you, if given the chance.
2. You thus shouldn't allow people in.

You just need to be aware of people and how they operate. They tend to work towards their own self-interest. The vast majority don't set out to hurt people. The hurt comes from them either thoughtlessly saying/doing something, or deciding that causing the damage to you is "worth it".

That last bit might sound heartless, but it might not necessarily be. Say you're dating a guy, and you're not feeling it at all. You want to end it. But the guy seems rather taken with you. Should you string him along? Pretend to care? No, the correct thing to do is to call it off. Yeah, it'll hurt him, but it's more important that you be free to find someone you CAN connect with, and to set him free so he can feel crappy for a bit, and then get back to finding someone who can love him back.

Another to keep in mind is that there aren't just two choices - "open" and "closed". Your choices aren't "totally avoid contact with all people" and "immediately tell everybody you meet everything you know and feel, and hope they don't hurt you". There are various stages of "openness". Most of us start out by, as some call it, "doing the dance". We say "hi", we introduce ourselves, we talk about the weather or the music at the bar. These are "dances", rituals, with standard steps. If one of us decides that we don't really like where it's headed, we can bow out with very little damage inflicted. "Thanks for talking with me - I'm gonna have to head out." "Sure thing." No crippling emotional scarring there. A bit of disappointment, perhaps, but easily rebounded from. If "the dance" goes well, we proceed on. Talk about something with a bit more heft. Go take part in an activity. Move the relationship along.

Lex

 

[heymikey]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

You sound like you have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Of course I'm not a shrink but have you tried talking to a therapist? There are non-medical treatments available like CBT.

 

[Magician]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

huh... what? o.o??

I can't say I understand the reaction.

People who think "You can't get close to people, they'll hurt you." tend to hurt people with either their total reluctance to get close, or their unwilling tendency to start getting close, and then give a "Holy shit!" and pull away rapidly. This is ironic.

 

[Tizinsane]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

you're not the only one. i have friends but none who i am really, really close with. Even with my closest friends, if i start to get really close i back off without realising. it's a defence mechanism we use to keep from getting hurt i guess. i'm not sure about you but it's just something i do subconsciously.

Yep, im exactly the same way.

 

[maxpowr9]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

Lol im the opposite. I don't get very sociable with alot of people not because I am afraid they will hurt my feelings. Actually, quite the contrary. I am afraid I will hurt them.

 

[hanzosword]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I've been this way my whole life almost. When I was younger my sister, mom, dad and my two close buddies all hurt my feelings a lot. I thought the world of them and never did anything to hurt them but they would do it to me randomly and out of nowhere for no reason at all.

It made me afraid of them because I never knew when they would say something to hurt me so I distanced myself from them and everyone since then. It's like if someone close to you suddenly hit you as hard as they can for no reason it would make anybody of afraid of them not knowing when they will do it again.

I know this is not a good way to be but I guess we just have to be strong and keep trying to find someone to be really close to. I think it's really important to find at least one person you can really share your thoughts with.

There is a website that talks about how there can be a block in our energy that affects our emotions like this. They claim to have a technology that can unblock this energy and help us connect more with people. I'm going to try it soon. I can pm you about it bluelantern if you want to know more.

 

[stripes]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I've been this way my whole life almost. When I was younger my sister, mom, dad and my two close buddies all hurt my feelings a lot. I thought the world of them and never did anything to hurt them but they would do it to me randomly and out of nowhere for no reason at all.

It made me afraid of them because I never knew when they would say something to hurt me so I distanced myself from them and everyone since then. It's like if someone close to you suddenly hit you as hard as they can for no reason it would make anybody of afraid of them not knowing when they will do it again.

I know this is not a good way to be but I guess we just have to be strong and keep trying to find someone to be really close to. I think it's really important to find at least one person you can really share your thoughts with.

There is a website that talks about how there can be a block in our energy that affects our emotions like this. They claim to have a technology that can unblock this energy and help us connect more with people. I'm going to try it soon. I can pm you about it bluelantern if you want to know more.

I think it's just a part of some people's personalities and like all personality traits it can be a strength or a weakness, depending on how extreme it is.

Don't beat yourself up over it because it's a part of who you are. Just learn from past experience so you can find a good midpoint between being un-attached (not detached) and being clingy.

 

[ariesstar89]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I'm sort of having this problem with my life too. I've begun to see this guy and I'm so worried about getting too close to him for fear of gettin rejected or getting hurt. I use to not be like that until another person, years ago, turned my life upside down and took away everything. I'm still trying to build my life back from that. I try so hard to open up to this guy I'm seeing, but I truely fear above everything else that once I let up my guard and get closer that he'll run out on me and never look back. I worry about this all the time. I know life is about taking risks, and dating is certainly a big risk in itself, but I need more concrete answers from people before I can feel at complete ease around them. Is there not anyway to feel this without necessarily talking to that person about my thoughts? I don't want to come across as being too attached or too worried about things this early, but I can't help how I feel.

 

[allthelittlefishies]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I feel as if Simon and Garfunkle's "I am a Rock" is relevant to this. If you haven't heard it, I suggest listening to it.

"I have no need for friendship. Friendship causes pain: It's laughter and it's loving I disdain."

You have a choice: Interract with people, get hurt.
OR
Don't interract wit people, and just be a hermit.

You just have to realize that the pain is worth the gain.

 

[cityboi]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

Yes...people...your best friends or worst enemies. Who really knows until you're totally honest with them. We meet so many people over time that we can always count on a safe number of friends!

 

[jubalon]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I can absolutely relate to this. While I still was very much in the closet, and didn't have any plans of coming out, I was very much aware with how close I got to people. For the single reason that I didn't dare to show any weaknesses or say anything that might reveal me and my sexual orientation.

I lived with one of my best friends for almost a year, and due to being so close to each other, I gradually turned inward and started pushing him away. At some point in a close friendship, you will have a moment that defines how it will be further on. The friendship between me and him started diverging at a specific point. I can't remember what it was, but I certainly remember almost consciously deciding to start forming a distance. I remember hearing him being a lot more "close" with people he only had known for a little while, compared to how long we had known each other, and that hurt.

I have had other friendships that has kind of ended in the same direction. It's a psychological defense reaction, which I guess every person has to a certain degree. No one wants to spill their soul out to anyone. It's just that it becomes very much amplified when you have something as big as a sexual orientation to hide.

I remember thinking the excact same thought as you. There was a point where it suddenly dawned on me - how I've gradually have pushed people away, once the friendship was taking a more serious, closer, and potentially more meaningful direction. At those points, I have distanced myself from them and distanced them from me. Not very far, but to a point where I felt safe.

Now, I have absolutely not ruined the friendship between me and the guy I lived with. We're still buddies and somewhat close, but it would have been better if I had not pushed him away. Once he gets home from his time abroad, I'll have a discussion with him and explain myself, come out to him and whatnot. I'm not positive that it will make us closer, but I think both of us deserves just that.

So, altogether. You're not damaged at all. A person isn't damaged for the reason you've stated. BUT. If you let it continue this way, it might end up damaging you. I think it's a good thing, coming to terms with the situation as it is now. You're at least aware of the problem now. What you end up doing with it is up to you. But remember that continuing in the same direction might harm you more than coming out. Can you see yourself continuing this way for five years? Ten years? The rest of your life? If so, do you think it will make less damage?

In my case, those questions were crucial. I'm not at all done coming out yet, but it just feels better knowing that I'm doing and have done something about my situation.

 

[BlueLantern]

Re: You can't get close to people, they might hurt

I took a look on APD on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder


There is MANY points that I relate too, I don't exactly how intese is suppose to be....

A key issue in treatment is gaining and keeping the patient's trust, since people with APD will often start to avoid treatment sessions if they distrust the therapist or fear rejection.

This part in particular scared me... I had 3 therapists (2 togheter in group sessions) for a little short while, and both times there are moments where I would get paranoid and distrust the guy for some reason. The first It was because he questioned if I was really gay (I was 18 yo virgin back then) and the second It was he gave some stories about himself that sound like bar jokes...