young and younger relationship...help

[silentalk]

I can see that it's not a easy situation. And I don't think that you're to blame. Perhaps you should tell him what you told us. Talk it out with him, and maybe things would appear in a better light.

Good luck!

 

[bokan800]

It's still very important to know what you feel is best for you. As you said, you're just starting out and he's already established.

Sometimes you just need to make sacrifices. Besides, according to you, nothing really happened yet. Maybe he's still trying to figure out things on his own too.

Don't rush it, don't push it.

Goodluck on your trip.

 

[rareboy]

Just go away to school and tell him you'll see how it goes when you get back, but that while you're away, you don't expect him to be waiting for you.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Bingo.

People have to make these choices all the time. Do you want a life-long relationship or can you emotionally handle a relationship that has a timetable?

 

[ejbonk]

Explanation: I work with him. His name is Jer... and is great. I first met him around two years ago when I first started working at our employer. It was just a friendship then and I never would have expected anything else. Since then, everything has changed.
Like I said, I have been in one real relationship and something more along the lines of weird sexual tension. I and Jer hung out while I was dating Zach (actual relationship) and it was fine. I never explicitly told him that I was gay, but he got the picture. Jer had been married when I first met him. He had met her in college while they were both getting their degrees. They are still friends to this day and she is actually really nice and had always suspected but they thought that it was what they should do and did it. It didn’t work out and they were getting divorced (very amiably) at the same time as me and he started becoming friends.
He is not the kind of guy that I am normally attracted to but I think that the change is exactly what I needed. He is very handsome and attractive which is enhanced by the fact that I know how intelligent he is. In other words, he is a nerdy kind of hot, the kind that they are cute, then you see them without a shirt and are surprised. He is older than me by nearly 8 years but that is okay from my perspective or at least I thought it was.
We are at different points in our lives and it does make it harder on us. At this point in time, it is more along the lines of dating. We go out and have dinner, hang out often and cuddle with each other at his house. Those times always seem so right. We have fooled around but have not had full on sex and I do not want to rush to that point.
Here is where our problems lie. Due to the different points in our lives (him being financially successful, done with his education and older) vs. me (going into my senior year of college, ready to study abroad, younger) and we just don’t know how to handle each other. 28 are still young enough to have fun, and I am responsible for my age, working and going to school with my own place and car and life. He has his own set of friends and I have mine. I am totally okay with him going out and experiencing his life and like I said I am okay with us being classified as purely dating but he moves from one extreme to another. One day he is coming into my area of the office asking if I am coming over for dinner or going somewhere with him, fast-forward to when he tells me he is going out with friends or even on a date. He always says that he is just dating and trying to experience things and I am okay with this. I am not really sure if I am ready to be in another COMMITTED relationship. Lately it has become more of an issue because I am getting ready to leave the country to study abroad. I am going to be going with a dear friend of mine (a girl) and I think that we are both just really realizing how we are on different paths. Like I said, he is successful here and has a job that provides him with a very cushy lifestyle, but I am young and with lots of opportunities already arising. I don’t want to lose this time with him, but I don’t want to lose everything else either. Like I said, he goes from wanting to date around and just have fun to wanting someone really serious all while I am just enjoying it. I am okay with saying that in that sense, I am the problem. I am okay with the being cuddling friends with an attraction while he may be seeing it as something different. I am being selfish because I don’t want to see this go and absolutely adore him but by no means am I ready to be something that he wants. Then again, I just don’t know what he wants because I don’t think he knows just yet. He is still young enough to go out and enjoy himself and have fun, but I think that his personality is much more conducive to settling down and relationships.
Just today at lunch, he got mad at me for not going to his house tonight (after having been there the past couple nights)and asks me what I want from him. Completely taken aback, I told him I don’t know. I really think that he is getting angrier and angrier with the situation. We left and did not talk the rest of work. He called and apologized but I foresee this becoming an issue that gets bigger and bigger until something bad happens. I need your help on figuring out how to stop it from getting to that point. Thanks.

I see this from 2 points.

1. He's almost 30,and somewhere in the back of his head,he wants to settle down. Poss. with you.

But,He's just not ready to admitt that.
He may want an open Relationship,but does not know how to go about asking for it,or what one is.


2. You want him,but you feel your to young to settle down just yet. On one hand He could be the ONE. On the other is there someone else out there somewhere for me?

I think you 2 need to sit down and talk this whole thing out,before you leave,and agree to a mutual understanding of how thing are and will be.

Good Luck

 

[954dude]

I'd take it one step at a time. Look at the bigger picture, but work out whatever you can right now. Two people live two different lives and as long as you two understand each other, it can be great. Neither of you HAS to settle down, don't rush into anything, just enjoy what is there.

 

[KaraBulut]

Not surprisingly, this guy has more issues than People magazine.

I agree with Rareboy- you have an out to take a break while you're out of the country. Perhaps when you have returned, his guy will have grown up a bit.

Or perhaps not.

 

[Kyanimal]

I think, in a nutshell, that You have it exactly Right! Your objectivity about where You are, and where He is, is a very Healthy perspective for Both of You! (Though He may not agree, from "where" He is!)

YOU need to follow Your own Heart, and charter Your own course! He has had His "chances", and is looking at You from a different perspective. However, His current "options" are NOT Your responsibility! And, I'm heartened that You are able to see That!

Trust in Your own Feelings! And, follow them to their fullest!

What will happen will, well, Happen!

And, of course, no matter what ... and I do mean this most Sincerely ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[KaraBulut]

It really helped me to type it all out last night and try my best to explain how I was feeling.

It does help, yes.

I realized that I have no expectations about this relationship. I would love for it to keep going and last for years and settle down but I would also be very content with us just dating and being able to experience that with him. I also realized that I want to date him and at least enjoy this time together while we have it before I leave. What do you guys think?

There are a lot of bad signs in this relationship- a guy coming out late, after being married, wanting to play man-sex catchup now that he's single, the age difference, the fact that you work together....

But this comes down to your partner's lack of maturity and the instability of his personal life right now. You're just at two very different stages in your lives and he's got a lot of growing up to do before he's ready to have a relationship again.

You've surrendered a lot of control in this relationship. It's time you made decisions that are best for you. If this is meant to be, the two of you can resume what will hopefully be a more mature relationship when you return. If not, then you will be friends.

Never settle. And remember, you deserve better.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Hmm.. okay. Sounds like its going to get complicated. Keep us posted.

 

[EvilForce]

Congrats! Enjoy your time together. You'll be off soon enough across the globe. No need to deal with drama.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Your ex sounds like a monster.

I knew there was something strange when Trent confronted you at the elevator and had to convince you your ex has "changed" and that they're very "happy" together. It was almost like he was trying to convince himself.

What a blessing to be free from that!

 

[volumee]

Hey, I thought Jer was straight?

 

[ejbonk]

Your Ex-Sounds like a guy with MAJOR ISSUES. Good thing your out of that relationship,and have found Jer. Good Luck with him and your Career.

 

[ejbonk]

Okay guys, I am warning you now that this is going to be quite a long post. I am seeking advice on how to handle this situation because at this point in time I am soo hurt, on the verge of crushed.
I thought that me and Jer were going strong until this past week.
I am downstairs hanging out in the coffee shop with a friend when Zach walks in and asks politely to speak with me. I know that I probably shouldn’t have talked to him but I said okay as long as my friend stays here with us. He says okay but I might want this to stay between us. Zach tells me that before I forget him, that I need to realize that the guy I am with is not who I think he is and that I need to know something about Jer. First off, I don’t know of anyone that would have told Zach Jer’s name nor can I explain how he ne knows to call him Jer and not Jeremy or Jeremiah. He says that Jer had been fooling around with Tony T just recently while we were together. He tells me that he knows that I might not believe him, but I need to call Tony T and ask him because Tony T now knows that me and Jer were a couple when they were fooling around and since then Tony has stopped it.
Normally I would not have believed what he told me, but I had to at least think about it and here is why. A couple of days earlier, I was looking at Jer’s phone to find a picture that I had sent him of my cousin’s car (the cousin that passed away). I noticed some text messages from TONY that had been in his phone for a couple of weeks up to a month or two ago. At that time I thought that they were from his friend Antonio. Now I got to thinking about what the texts had said and they were not giving anything away but they were along the lines of hi and what are you doing type texts.
I figured that I needed to call Tony T just so that I could make sure that it was not true and confirm that Zach was lying to me. I call and Tony tells me yes, he was fooling around with Jer while we were together but he stopped it right away when he found out that Jer was seeing me. He said that all the way up to three weeks before our conversation they had been seeing each other during the weeknights and that he would go over to Jers house and he told me where it was which confirmed the story. Jer had told him up to the end that he was only dating but had not found anything serious. UHHHH.
The night of the fashion show when I was in back and Jer was up front with everyone else, Tony T was there as well and wondered why Jer was trying to stay away from him. Then he saw me and Jer and figured out what was going on. That is when he told Zach that he needed to talk to me and that I needed to know this.
I am sooooooooo hurt and I don’t know what to do. Every part inside of me wants to scream and be mad but then again I am soo sad. I actually started to think that this could be a good relationship and something that we were equally committed to only to find out that it was a lie. I haven’t let Jer know that I know about his lies but I need to figure this out. Since the end of his little fling, he has been wanting to spend more time with me, but now that I know about it, I don’t want to be anywhere near him and I fear my reaction when I am alone with him. A part of me wants to confront him with all of my anger and just scream at him while the logical person says that I need to find a way to end this cordially because I do work with him and I cannot let this affect me at work. I need to make through two months before I am out her for my trip and have the time I need to get over him enough to not be phased by him personally or professionally. NOW I UNDERSTAND THE SAYING DON’T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.
This is my question. How should I handle this? What should I say to him or how do avoid him? Should I avoid him? Should I make up some fake excuse and take the blame for the break up or would that do any good?

I say ride it out. It's only 60 days or 62 days. Just let it slide and then break-up with him over the phone after you have made your escape via your trip.

Then,again this could just be some crazy cooked up thing that Zach and this Tony person put together with a little research,leg work and texts messages.
How well do you know this Tony person?


Also back to your April 27th post.
Could this all be ,because you are leaving and this Tony person was to be your (for lack of better wording) your temp. replacement,until your return?

There is alot of poss. angles to this. Things may not be as they appear at the moment. I say quietly investigate before you confront Jer. This could all be a smoke-screen or a mis-understanding on all parties parts.


Something about this does not smell right to daddy. You could be,being set up by Zach and Company. It's just to nicely packaged as a bill of goods,and to close to your departure for overseas.

 

[ejbonk]

I think that you do have a point about all of this being a lie. I dont know Tony that well and it really weird that Tony would have gone to Zach first rather than saying something to someone closer to me or with less friction.
That still doesnt really explain how he knows where Jer lives but I guess that in the times we live, a google map is really easy to find someone with.
One thing that I did forget though is that when me and Jer were just dating nd not really comitted solely to one another, he did tell me that he had gone on a couple of dates with a guy named Tony. Now i dont know if it did continue while we were together or not or if it stopped and then he found out and decided to start problems. I just dont know.
Worst case scenario is now that he did cheat like I orginally suspected or he was looking for four month replacement for me. Both of which suck.
Breaking up over the phone is an option but I really think that I need to get to the bottom of this and figure out what is going on. Why break up if it is a lie and if it is true, after having dealt with this pain from my Zach adventures, I
really dont care to deal with it for another two months.

Please give me some more input. My friends want me to confront him but calmly and see. What do others think.

I say let sleeping dogs lie. Don't rock the boat. Avoid Drama. This is just some people stirring a pot to make trouble. People with Sour Grapes being Asses. Don't get sucked into it. In the age of internet you can find anybody's home in 24 hours for $19.95.

Just Ignore it. If,He was or is looking for a Temp. for you. Get a really trusted friend to let you know after you have left. Then,You'll have your Answers and No Drama,No Big Show,and No Satifaction for Zach and Company.

They call it a private Life for a reason. It's up to You,If it remains so.

Just my Old Fatherly Advise. I had a Drag Queen Ruin a great relationship with a really great Guy for me. She use such BS and creating Doubt about Him and Me in both our minds. We where totally distrustful of each other in the end. Just to find out later that TINA had did it so she could try to date Him.

Step-Back and take a really hard look at things before Acting.

 

[ejbonk]

Nice to know that everything has worked out for the best in the end.