You're no more gay than I am!!!

[boy0boy]

Sad when a parent says "they want you to be happy" when they really mean "I want to be happy." or rather have the easier route in life and not have to defend their childrens lifestyle.

Hope all is well.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Anyway, I'm a bit bewildered and would just like some support from some friends tonight!

A day late, but here it is.

Obviously, your dad's all wrong.

* If being gay was a flight of fancy, we'd boink a couple guys and move on. Instead, gay couples buy houses and settle down. That's not a phase.

* Yes, it's a male's natural instinct to procreate. It's also a male's natural instinct to prowl the wilderness naked in search for food, and try to establish dominance with each other male you encounter. We've moved on. If he brings up the male instinct thing again over dinner, punch him in the face, pee on him, then steal his food.

* We do NOT all want a family in the traditional sense. Or even in the non-traditional sense. Some people love being alone. Some people hate children.

* Being gay is abnormal the way that being left-handed is abnormal. Most are like THAT, but some are like THIS. Years ago, teachers tied up left-handed student's hands to force them to write "correctly". Did it work? Rarely. And usually by fucking up their psyche something fierce. Today, we let left-handed students write the way they want. They're happier, healthier, and nobody gives a rat's ass that they write with their left hand.

* Your responsibility is to yourself, and then to those closest to you. Living a lie by marrying a woman you don't love and having children you don't want in order to fulfull some sort of familial obligation runs counter to that.

* He only wants what's best for you. Judging from what I've seen, I know what's the best for you. His name is Eric.

My feelings are this. If he's seen you married and unhappy, and now partnered and happy, but he STILL thinks you're living your life incorrectly, then there's really not that can be done. There's no argument you can bring, no piece of logic, no pithy saying, that will make the light come on in his brain and say, "Hm, I see - I guess you're right."

So I wouldn't bother, unless you really think it'd be worth the effort. Instead, hit home the three most important facts:

* You love Eric.
* You've never been happier.
* I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing.

And leave it at that.

Lex

 

[Scrub]

Robert

I wish I had something brillant to say to you, but I don't. Your father's comments must have been quite a surprise as I believe you thought he had excepted you and Eric.

Your only responsibility is to yourself. You need to be happy with who you are. That is your true happiness. There is probably nothing you can say to your dad that will change his mind.

The parts may not fit for him, but they do for you. That is all that is really important.

Continue on and continue to hold your head high. You are a good man. Be true to yourself.

 

[luminum]

He understands nothing about your happiness, only what he perceives as his own. If he was concerned with your happiness, he wouldn't be using perceived social "responsibility" (obligation) as a reason.

Just leave him be and continue with your life.

 

[Caeth]

I love how people use "the way nature intended" as an argument....in actuality "the way God intended" is a better argument lol!

There is no intention in nature....nature is not a purposeful or sentient being heh. There are many exceptions or "abnormalities" in nature....that's random variation! In fact being gay IS an "abnormality"...it's not the "norm"...but people have to keep getting reminded that NOT USUAL does not mean WRONG. God you'd think people would figure that out by now.

 

[sixthson]

I'm afraid I have to disagree with ReslessOne on this.
Basically, he has reduced being gay to his attraction to dick. There is so much more to being gay than our genitals. If it were that simple, it wouldn't be so painful for Robertac to hear what he did from his father.

For myself, being gay has to do with my heart, my soul, my mind AND my body. While the physical attraction (my body) cannot be denied, I connect with my man on so many other levels and, yes, much of it has to do with masculinity, but that is not the same as 'loving dick'.
I believe my sexuality manifests itself (among other ways)in my ability to give and receive emotionally. I know from experience that I cannot get this from a female. I am attracted to the male way of thinking and viewing life. I like the way a man makes his decisions and his sense of humor, both of which are unique from a female's.
I love the strength of my man, physically and every other way. I love his male smell and the firmness of his body when I hold him as opposed to the soft, sweetness of the female form.
I love being a man who loves a man and it goes far beyond his/my dicks. It goes to the very core of who I am as a person and a man. I knew early in my teen years that I could make my penis do what it needed to do with a girl, but I also knew I could never give her my heart completely and without reservation. That is a major part of what makes me gay.
I think Robert knows he is experiencing this with Eric and no matter how hard he might try to follow his father's advice (were he so inclined), he cannot change his heart (the seat of his sexuality, imho). He can deny his heart it's right to love, he can deny the connection he has with Eric on an emotional and physical level, but whom his heart loves is where is finds true fulfillment, not just in his underwear.

All of me is made to respond to my man, not just my dick, and believe me, I love sex. I also love knowing we have made a life together, a home, a place that is ours alone. I love that others know we are a couple and not just two guys having sex.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Sorry about dear old dad, Roberttac.
I would wager that what you got was not so much dad
speaking from his heart or his reasoning,
but the convoluted mix of thoughts and muck
from the effects of brandy.

Get him sober, and ask him to listen, and
not to interrupt, while you tell him what you
believe. When you are done, remind him how
much you really do love him and your mother.

Then if he has something to say, try to listen.
If he tries this routine again, then tell him he is wrong,
and you will continue to love him, but hope that
he gains some new perspective in time. Do not let
him get you on some emotional hook. Walk away.
Leave the door open, and continue to drop him notes
of affection and about you and Eric.
Shep+

 

[Just_Believe18]

Alcohol does that. At least now you know his true feelings about the matter. Take some of the advice above to resolve this situation.

On the bright side, you know your father loves you and wants you to be happy. He just doesn't understand that who you are makes you happy.

 

[Soilwork]

Well... you know.. parents usually give all that noise up eventually and let it go.

Just don't give in and don't back down. Let them see you together and let them see you how you really are.

And if not.. my parents are now so pro-gay that they'd probably adopt you to get two more gay sons. I think they'r collecting them now.

 

[nsguy2]

I'd challange anyone who thinks it's a flight of fantasy to give it a go and see how it works out for them.

If the wording attributed to the father by the OP is accurate, I seriously wonder exactly who the father was speaking of.

No offense intended, just an observation

 

[rareboy]

I'm also late into this, but all I can say is that you're going to have to leave your dad and not your boyfriend.

He doesn't want what's best for you; he wants whats best for him.

You've had a rough patch recently; I thought your dad sounded like he had his own head on straight, but I honestly think he is a danger to your emotional health.

Suggest he get some counselling and that when he has and is willing to love you unconditionally again, maybe you can start again.

Maybe you should also not drink together.

 

[chance1]

You can't always change how someone feels/thinks - it is how they r - how they were brought up - what they are comfortable with

On a positive side, I love the fact that u could have this type of convo with ur dad - that there was a dialogue - and u got how he truly felt

Hopefully, he will adjust how he thinks - if only just a bit - if so, great - if not, he is still ur dad and there's only one - and i trust that he loves u - but not approving of ur lifestyle and choices now

My dad died a couple of years ago - he did not know i am gay - not sure he would have handled it as well as ur dad - know that sounds crazy but can't picture he and i having a drink discussing it - my point is only that family is precious and it isn't necessary to agree to love them - makes it tougher this way but still, he is ur dad - and often we r products of our environ so he thinks a certain way because ...........

thanks for sharing ur story

i do agree with soil - stick to ur guns - never back down - be respectful - but independent - seems like that is what ur doing

all the best

chance

 

[Eric28]

I'll be more than glad to talk to him Robert!

Trust me you're gay!!!

 

[Appleseedpie]

A lot of people we'll encourage people as soon as said person says he's gay. Now I'm not saying your dad is TOTALY right! but there are men who go through phases...and end up in ex-gayclubs saying how homosexuality ruined their life.

If you're really truly sure it's not just about the dick, then stay true to yourself!

 

[Alive and Free]

I am sorry you had to go through that , I could deffinetly see myself in your shoes with my old man one day if I ever came out to him.

 

[Centexfarmer]

There are several "greiving" stages that each of us go through when we're forced to deal with something that goes against what we want.

It sounds like you're Dad is in "denial" about he percieves as a "chosen lifestyle."

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored.

Of course then again he could be in the "bargaining" phase:

People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

For example, my Mom was completely bewildered that we could "send man to the moon, but we can't create a pill to cure homosexuality."



Yep! She actually said that.

After awhile she came to terms with it, and had a few "follow up" questions, and hasn't given it a second thought since.

Give him some time. At least he's willing to share his feelings with you, and the two of you have an open line of communication.

I figure it took me 27 years to "come out to myself," and it only took my family 3 years to accept me fully. I figure they did a better job than I did in the process.

 

[leopoldo]

I always read your posts because I find them intelligent and interesting. We also have a lot in common even though I am older than you.

We are both Texans. I also had an hispanic grandmother. My first love was a female. It lasted 18 months and even though it ended badly due to our families I still remember her with fondness. When I was 25 I met my guy, Mike. We have lived together 41 mostly happy years.

For 29 of those years my mother lived with us. She was never able to really accept my homosexuality, however we all three treated each other with respect and for the most part got along. On occasion she & I would get crossways and Mike would always say "She's your mother just overlook it" and I usually did. Now that she is dead I'm glad that I did. Sometime you can't change people, she couldn't change my being gay and I couldn't change the fact that she was uncomfortable with that. But we loved one another enough to not let our differences destroy our relationship.

I know your are a smart guy and will be able to cope with this situation.

Best wishes to you and Eric and your Dad too. I'm always in your corner.

 

[Auburn]

It is so stupid that , in 2007, people can't look at closeted men like Sen. Craig and ex Governor McGreevey and see that a wife and kids doesn't guarantee happiness and stop you from being gay...its not something you can control!!! like alot of people on here said, being gay is about more than sex. Its fucked up how people view being straight as the "only way", and its what makes everyone happy, whereas being gay is about anal sex. If there are so many happily married men, then why are sites like Craigslist full of guys who aren't getting it from their wives when they really like men and they are trying to cheat behind their wives backs....I could go on all night..

Anyway, Robertac, just be yourself. Alot of guys would love to be in a happy relationship like what you have with Eric. Sometimes parents want what makes them happy, not what makes you happy. Remember, you only live once!!!

 

[CoolBlue71]

My Dad and I have always had our differences, but this was his response to me tonight after several drinks of brandy!

He told me that being gay was nothing more than a flight of fancy based on an impulse of sexual confusion and years of adolescent self-deceit. He also told me that it was my purpose and natural instinct to procreate and establish a normal heterosexual union with a female. He also said, we all want to have a family in the traditional sense and that he only wants the best for me! He also added that being gay was a sexual abnormality that we, who are gay, should try to correct through counseling or other psychological means. As he put it, It's according to how we're created............ The parts just don't fit when it come to being gay!!!!

I'm like, what the F**k!

My dad told me, although he likes Eric, that he wants me to leave him and become the man that nature intended. That I would be happier with a wife and family! after all, I was married before and I was obviously capable of fathering children.

I'm sorry, but I'm at loss right now! My Dad says he loves me, but wants me to make the right choices in life for my own health and wellbeing!

I told him I love Eric and that's all that should matter!

He said it was immaterial, because we have responsiblities to our families and society as a whole. Besides, it is just the way things were intended to be!

Anyway, I'm a bit bewildered and would just like some support from some friends tonight!

............

Hear you dad out, thank him for his love and concern, and continue to live your life -- regardless of his love and concern -- according to how you see fit. The last thing I would recommend is discussing with dad your sexuality because he isn't capable right now of being accepting of it. And to discuss it with him might pointlessly lead to more talk of perceptions and philosophies, and even a debate, and none of it changes reality. So keep your head on strong, your feet to the ground, and move forward.

 

[CoolBlue71]

Thanks for all the nice comments guys! I enjoyed reading them all! You're all an inspiration to me!

BTW, I always had doubts about my father's love for me, but this experience has really changed my opinion of him. The man still embraces me as his son and that in itself totally floors me. I hope one day he can accept Eric as my life partner as well.

I asked him later about how he thought my mother might react to me being in a gay relationship. He told me that she would have had some difficulty with it, but in the end I would always be her son as well. He also told me, that even though my brother is rejecting me now, he also loves me and only wants the best for my future!

I'd recommend dealing with people one on one. Talk with your mother directly, and not through someone else. You didn't even need to ask your dad how he thinks your mom would react unless: 1) You and your mom are estranged; 2) You just want to hear what dad is going to say.

Be your own person. Others can deal or not deal. And develop an even stronger mind, one that distinguishes between the lines of what others say -- and what is real. After all, dad, mom, and brother do not do your living for you.