I also hope this can inspire other people to find the guts to do this; this is a long read, here it is:
Please sit down and read this in it’s entirety. I am trembling as I send this to you. I am all alone in my thoughts and your reaction to this. Some things that have happened recently including our fight has forced me to think about myself and my affect on you guys and try to come to some sort of a conclusion.
To me family is all about having a great foundation, or roots. To live a successful, happy life has a lot to do with that. I know my behavior has been a source of stress and bewilderment to both of you for as a long as you can remember. It has come to the point where I am fully recognizing just how my behavior and actions have had a negative impact on both of you. I am a strange, emotional person. But there are reasons for this. The only way I can communicate this is through this letter, rather than in person because I would mumble over words and fail to find the right things to say. I tried to hint at it the other day Mom, but once again failed to verbalize it to you in person. This is by far the scariest thing I will ever have to do, but it is becoming glaringly obvious this is necessary if I want to become the man I want to be. The repercussions of this will be severe in some aspects, but my mind needs this so i can escape from it. I have had the weight of the world on my shoulders for over 10 years, and it has debilitated me to the point where the path i’m leading is self-destructive and insincere. So here it is (please read the rest of this knowing that I am technically ok), i’m gay.
I know you asked me this the other day when we were watching Jason Collins on TV. But it has all seemed a lot too late. To fully understand what I am talking about I will go through a series of events and experiences that has shaped my mindset and how not having those “roots” to rely on has shaped the person I am today. You will begin to understand why I do certain things, say certain things, be friends will certain people, completely dismiss certain people, act moody, and have this “hatred” that Dad says I display around you guys and family. I’m not asking for pity, or making excuses but trying to make you understand so that this day forth I can at the very least know I said my peace. I somehow know you guys won’t “disown” me, but think about the network of people in this town, our entire family, Dad’s business clients, living in the South in general and what has been said “about” me throughout my life. The best thing to do is to start at middle school and end at this present day.
At a very early age, you somehow understand what a faggot is. You know it’s “wrong” from the negative tones and connotations the person using it gives. So very early on, I knew what not to be. I didn’t want to be a faggot, I wanted to be “normal.” I remember in middle school being outgoing, talkative in class, and generally well liked, besides the bullying for being small, and not hitting puberty till later. I remember picking on the “different” kids calling them faggots to go along with the crowd. And as you remember, the vice principal called me into the office to discuss it, asking me if I was gay. Which Dad was extremely pissed about. I don’t think I actually knew I was gay at this point, I don’t think I truly understood what that meant, but I knew I didn’t want any part of that negative word. High School was a different story.
This is when I started knowing around age 14. You can’t even begin to realize the shame, anxiety and depression that goes along with just being a teen going through puberty. High School was hell for me. Why should it have been? I was a good athlete, I had friends, I was well liked for the most part. But the experiences of homophobia tore at my soul little by little each time. The lying, and not being true to myself was beyond gut-wrenching. The worst part to me was not looking like some of the more flamboyant gay people. Hiding it caused extreme paranoia, anxiety and depression. I have some memories that I still hold to this day, two of which further cemented me to hide in high school. You might ask why did I hang out with these types of kids/people? Because they were the kind of people that you guys wanted me to, that reflected what you guys seemed to like, who I thought you wanted me to be like. Who I thought society wanted me to be like.
The first was when A, B, C and I were driving somewhere and I remember we were talking shit about Coach Z. B said “Man, I hope his son turns out gay.” Everyone started cracking up, including myself. Self-hatred since I was young. What a thing to have. The second time was at the high school and two known gay guys, who were dating, were walking down the hall to class. E started screaming at them calling them faggots, they just kept walking, taking it. I was “suppose” to laugh. I did.
I made it through High School because of sports, football specifically. That was something I could grab ahold of, i felt safe in. It was my sanctuary, in the same way music is. So when I got to college I was ecstatic, but what I didn’t even think about was this University was a theatre/music school first and foremost. So again I got to witness homophobia by the people who were on the team who I was suppose to be bonding with. Food thrown, screaming faggots! Faggot this, Faggot that. I wish those faggots would die. More of the same bullshit. I couldn’t cope with that shit in the back of my mind, so I quit. I came so close to telling you guys the truth after this. I remember when you got me that job and I drove to the mall instead, and on the way back crying my eyes out saying enough is enough. But I still couldn’t do it.
These stories are all things I should have confided to you both. To go to my “roots” for help and support. But these next couple of stories, and what I have heard in the household growing up made me look inward instead of outward. Internalizing everything.
The next couple of stories are the most hurtful, but I will stop here and tell you. I love both of you more than you will ever know. And I think if I had told you both earlier, these events would never have happened. I think you would have seen things differently. But here goes.
This is around the time I was about to go to another College. We are sitting in the living room. Just me, Mom, S and T. For some reason the topic of homosexuality came up and Mom said something to the effect of, “That was Dad’s biggest worry when I was born, that he would have a gay son.” Everyone turned and looked at me. I just barely mustered, “Well good thing he doesn’t have to worry about that.” I couldn’t take it and I got in my car and drove around for an hour, screaming and crying until I could regain my composure to come home.
The next experience was mild, but still reinforced family beliefs. I was watching Wanda Sykes standup and the topic of gay marriage came up. I remember S stumbling in drunk and in a snide comment, because at this time I had become more liberal, said, “You know we don’t believe in that.” I couldn’t even talk to my own brother who was raised in the same environment and by the same parents.
The third and one of the more detrimental events because of the implications now came when we had Mom’s birthday party at that restaurant in the city. All of us including T were walking to the restaurant, and I don’t know how this keeps happening because I didn’t bring it up, but the topic of homosexuality came up. I remember T saying she doesn’t even like being around gay people, doesn’t even like shaking their hands. At that point in my life, I didn’t care what T said, but the implications of S and T knowing means I probably would never see my niece again. These scenarios that play out in your mind when you hear these sorts of things just continue to add weight to the whole situation.
Going to College and meeting my best friends; W, X, Y, Z and all those guys was the best thing that could have happened for me at the right time. These were the kind of friends I was meant to have all along. For the first time in years I felt as comfortable as I could possibly be. I think all of those guy know I’m gay, but the only person I have actually told is W. I’m not sure if he took me seriously, but he just said, “that’s cool man.” and we kept talking about something else. If I introduced them to a boyfriend, they wouldn't care at all. But I finally had friends who respected gay people, who didn’t bash them, who had gay friends themselves, who fought for gay marriage but I still couldn’t come out to most of them. Because I still hadn’t established my “roots.”
A lot of my anger, depression and anxiety comes from the fact that I am missing these “foundations”, these “roots.” I blame myself mostly because I have been a coward. People seem to change their views whenever it is personal. But all of the negative outcomes come to a focal point whenever I felt like today was the day I’m going to tell my parents I’m gay. I’m truly sorry for all the pain and worry that I have caused both of you. And I’m sorry it took this long, and this very personal letter for me to finally say I’m okay with myself and I’m okay that my parents know this side of me. I remember reading Into the Wild, where the old man character tells the younger character, “When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines on you.”
I know this changes how you view me but I’m still me. I’m still your only son. And those glimmers of smiles, laughter and happiness that you guys have seen in me and given me are still there. I want my roots back. I want my family back.
----------------------------------
Anyway let me know what you guys think? I think I may be revealing to much to them but at the same time my behavior and their reactions warrant this kind of a letter. I will say that it although it may not sound like it in the letter, I am a healthy, happy gay person who has been in healthy relationships. My parents just have no idea. I've lied to them for most of my life because of what I have experienced from them and because of their religious backgrounds.
Please sit down and read this in it’s entirety. I am trembling as I send this to you. I am all alone in my thoughts and your reaction to this. Some things that have happened recently including our fight has forced me to think about myself and my affect on you guys and try to come to some sort of a conclusion.
To me family is all about having a great foundation, or roots. To live a successful, happy life has a lot to do with that. I know my behavior has been a source of stress and bewilderment to both of you for as a long as you can remember. It has come to the point where I am fully recognizing just how my behavior and actions have had a negative impact on both of you. I am a strange, emotional person. But there are reasons for this. The only way I can communicate this is through this letter, rather than in person because I would mumble over words and fail to find the right things to say. I tried to hint at it the other day Mom, but once again failed to verbalize it to you in person. This is by far the scariest thing I will ever have to do, but it is becoming glaringly obvious this is necessary if I want to become the man I want to be. The repercussions of this will be severe in some aspects, but my mind needs this so i can escape from it. I have had the weight of the world on my shoulders for over 10 years, and it has debilitated me to the point where the path i’m leading is self-destructive and insincere. So here it is (please read the rest of this knowing that I am technically ok), i’m gay.
I know you asked me this the other day when we were watching Jason Collins on TV. But it has all seemed a lot too late. To fully understand what I am talking about I will go through a series of events and experiences that has shaped my mindset and how not having those “roots” to rely on has shaped the person I am today. You will begin to understand why I do certain things, say certain things, be friends will certain people, completely dismiss certain people, act moody, and have this “hatred” that Dad says I display around you guys and family. I’m not asking for pity, or making excuses but trying to make you understand so that this day forth I can at the very least know I said my peace. I somehow know you guys won’t “disown” me, but think about the network of people in this town, our entire family, Dad’s business clients, living in the South in general and what has been said “about” me throughout my life. The best thing to do is to start at middle school and end at this present day.
At a very early age, you somehow understand what a faggot is. You know it’s “wrong” from the negative tones and connotations the person using it gives. So very early on, I knew what not to be. I didn’t want to be a faggot, I wanted to be “normal.” I remember in middle school being outgoing, talkative in class, and generally well liked, besides the bullying for being small, and not hitting puberty till later. I remember picking on the “different” kids calling them faggots to go along with the crowd. And as you remember, the vice principal called me into the office to discuss it, asking me if I was gay. Which Dad was extremely pissed about. I don’t think I actually knew I was gay at this point, I don’t think I truly understood what that meant, but I knew I didn’t want any part of that negative word. High School was a different story.
This is when I started knowing around age 14. You can’t even begin to realize the shame, anxiety and depression that goes along with just being a teen going through puberty. High School was hell for me. Why should it have been? I was a good athlete, I had friends, I was well liked for the most part. But the experiences of homophobia tore at my soul little by little each time. The lying, and not being true to myself was beyond gut-wrenching. The worst part to me was not looking like some of the more flamboyant gay people. Hiding it caused extreme paranoia, anxiety and depression. I have some memories that I still hold to this day, two of which further cemented me to hide in high school. You might ask why did I hang out with these types of kids/people? Because they were the kind of people that you guys wanted me to, that reflected what you guys seemed to like, who I thought you wanted me to be like. Who I thought society wanted me to be like.
The first was when A, B, C and I were driving somewhere and I remember we were talking shit about Coach Z. B said “Man, I hope his son turns out gay.” Everyone started cracking up, including myself. Self-hatred since I was young. What a thing to have. The second time was at the high school and two known gay guys, who were dating, were walking down the hall to class. E started screaming at them calling them faggots, they just kept walking, taking it. I was “suppose” to laugh. I did.
I made it through High School because of sports, football specifically. That was something I could grab ahold of, i felt safe in. It was my sanctuary, in the same way music is. So when I got to college I was ecstatic, but what I didn’t even think about was this University was a theatre/music school first and foremost. So again I got to witness homophobia by the people who were on the team who I was suppose to be bonding with. Food thrown, screaming faggots! Faggot this, Faggot that. I wish those faggots would die. More of the same bullshit. I couldn’t cope with that shit in the back of my mind, so I quit. I came so close to telling you guys the truth after this. I remember when you got me that job and I drove to the mall instead, and on the way back crying my eyes out saying enough is enough. But I still couldn’t do it.
These stories are all things I should have confided to you both. To go to my “roots” for help and support. But these next couple of stories, and what I have heard in the household growing up made me look inward instead of outward. Internalizing everything.
The next couple of stories are the most hurtful, but I will stop here and tell you. I love both of you more than you will ever know. And I think if I had told you both earlier, these events would never have happened. I think you would have seen things differently. But here goes.
This is around the time I was about to go to another College. We are sitting in the living room. Just me, Mom, S and T. For some reason the topic of homosexuality came up and Mom said something to the effect of, “That was Dad’s biggest worry when I was born, that he would have a gay son.” Everyone turned and looked at me. I just barely mustered, “Well good thing he doesn’t have to worry about that.” I couldn’t take it and I got in my car and drove around for an hour, screaming and crying until I could regain my composure to come home.
The next experience was mild, but still reinforced family beliefs. I was watching Wanda Sykes standup and the topic of gay marriage came up. I remember S stumbling in drunk and in a snide comment, because at this time I had become more liberal, said, “You know we don’t believe in that.” I couldn’t even talk to my own brother who was raised in the same environment and by the same parents.
The third and one of the more detrimental events because of the implications now came when we had Mom’s birthday party at that restaurant in the city. All of us including T were walking to the restaurant, and I don’t know how this keeps happening because I didn’t bring it up, but the topic of homosexuality came up. I remember T saying she doesn’t even like being around gay people, doesn’t even like shaking their hands. At that point in my life, I didn’t care what T said, but the implications of S and T knowing means I probably would never see my niece again. These scenarios that play out in your mind when you hear these sorts of things just continue to add weight to the whole situation.
Going to College and meeting my best friends; W, X, Y, Z and all those guys was the best thing that could have happened for me at the right time. These were the kind of friends I was meant to have all along. For the first time in years I felt as comfortable as I could possibly be. I think all of those guy know I’m gay, but the only person I have actually told is W. I’m not sure if he took me seriously, but he just said, “that’s cool man.” and we kept talking about something else. If I introduced them to a boyfriend, they wouldn't care at all. But I finally had friends who respected gay people, who didn’t bash them, who had gay friends themselves, who fought for gay marriage but I still couldn’t come out to most of them. Because I still hadn’t established my “roots.”
A lot of my anger, depression and anxiety comes from the fact that I am missing these “foundations”, these “roots.” I blame myself mostly because I have been a coward. People seem to change their views whenever it is personal. But all of the negative outcomes come to a focal point whenever I felt like today was the day I’m going to tell my parents I’m gay. I’m truly sorry for all the pain and worry that I have caused both of you. And I’m sorry it took this long, and this very personal letter for me to finally say I’m okay with myself and I’m okay that my parents know this side of me. I remember reading Into the Wild, where the old man character tells the younger character, “When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God’s light shines on you.”
I know this changes how you view me but I’m still me. I’m still your only son. And those glimmers of smiles, laughter and happiness that you guys have seen in me and given me are still there. I want my roots back. I want my family back.
----------------------------------
Anyway let me know what you guys think? I think I may be revealing to much to them but at the same time my behavior and their reactions warrant this kind of a letter. I will say that it although it may not sound like it in the letter, I am a healthy, happy gay person who has been in healthy relationships. My parents just have no idea. I've lied to them for most of my life because of what I have experienced from them and because of their religious backgrounds.
Congrats!!