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A Hairy Gnome Companion: Lawn Decorum And Vacuum Tales
- Thread starter ShihTzuTylenol
- Start date
Murky Buckets pour le informacio'n.
Muchas GrassyAss por la info, mi amigo.
ShihTzuTylenol
does this look slutty?
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I'm working on a couple good pieces, but I wanna tweak them so they're of a quality my readers are used to reading.
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We are not interested in your sex life, tweak all the pieces you want
on your time.
Talk about arrogance, what readers???? you haven't even posted on
here since 10AUG21.
Grow your thread not your head.
(damn, that was pretty good..pats self on back)
on your time.
Talk about arrogance, what readers???? you haven't even posted on
here since 10AUG21.
Grow your thread not your head.
(damn, that was pretty good..pats self on back)
So many threads, so little time.
This is Shih Tzu's thread, not mine.
I only respond to his wit and such.
And occasionally come up with a funny myself.
Butt, I say, dear Lefty, the task is quite hefty.
What keeps you from diving in - the water's fine,
and it appears you have more of the commodity
called time.
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
So ErLiey in the Morning . . .
ShihTzuTylenol
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Drunken sailor replies,
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it at home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out when I'm not using it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was. They hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes, but not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
Then I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.
I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it at home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out when I'm not using it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was. They hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes, but not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
Then I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.
A most interesting anatomical condition, pecadillus portabilus problemus.
I can understand you wanting the flexibility of providing "Slot B" for "Tab A"s insertion. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to have a detachable Tab A of my own, however.
I'm pondering the possibility that, after a Grand Dose of Granny's Rheumatiz medicine to help limber up your joints for your night of "Dancing in the Moonlight" (or was that the Light of someone mooning you?!), and perchance the Ballet practice - Splits - the thought of being THAT flexible brings tears to my eyes as my groin cries out in sympathetic agony, and your resultant orgasmic/drunken ecstacy, that Al Z. Heimer may have paid you a nocturnal visit, blurring your vision, dulling your post-orgasmic sense to touch, and making your phallus proboscis retract inside your body until you had moved enough to reinfuse it with oxgenated, de-alcoholed hemoglobin.
In the mean time, the sidewalk vendor saw you coming!
(Welcome back from oblivion. We missed you - now go take a looonnnnnnng, hot, shower and use LOTS of soap, shampoo, Toothpaste AND Mouthwash - you smell like a bordello's trash can after a long weekend with the ships in from a long stretch at sea.)
I can understand you wanting the flexibility of providing "Slot B" for "Tab A"s insertion. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to have a detachable Tab A of my own, however.
I'm pondering the possibility that, after a Grand Dose of Granny's Rheumatiz medicine to help limber up your joints for your night of "Dancing in the Moonlight" (or was that the Light of someone mooning you?!
), and perchance the Ballet practice - Splits - the thought of being THAT flexible brings tears to my eyes as my groin cries out in sympathetic agony, and your resultant orgasmic/drunken ecstacy, that Al Z. Heimer may have paid you a nocturnal visit, blurring your vision, dulling your post-orgasmic sense to touch, and making your phallus proboscis retract inside your body until you had moved enough to reinfuse it with oxgenated, de-alcoholed hemoglobin.In the mean time, the sidewalk vendor saw you coming!
(Welcome back from oblivion. We missed you - now go take a looonnnnnnng, hot, shower and use LOTS of soap, shampoo, Toothpaste AND Mouthwash - you smell like a bordello's trash can after a long weekend with the ships in from a long stretch at sea.)
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Detachable penis - Hilarious! That would keep a lot of guys out of trouble. The image of it on a blanket of a St. Mark's Place vendor is perfect. They have the most interesting things there.
For next time: http://www.keyringer.com/
For next time: http://www.keyringer.com/
ShihTzuTylenol
does this look slutty?
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Captain's Log, Stardate 20.082.01.06:24
We've received a uniform mandate from Starfleet command regarding head gear, and I've seen the new lids. I'm disappointed command would allow a drunkard like Lt-Major Bach Sergary to make a decision of this nature given the sweeping scope of such an order.
Piccard wii-mailed me his personal thoughts and unofficial objections, and I saw his crew during protocol. They were a proud lot donning the new helmets. They are a bit unusual, but it does seem to bring a sense of unity and discipline to the bridge.
He wants me to chair a committee to have Major Sergary declared insane. I have not yet declined the offer. Nor do I think I nor do shall I will shall or not. One thing is certain damn it---I have got............... ........................ .............................to do something!
I will speak with General Anesteasya, Colonel Lovekorn and Major Leegue before I accept such a politically unstable position like this, but Captain Schair, Captain Cainguru and Captain Krunge have all expressed their support. I must at least consider the idea -- I owe it.................. ........................... .......... ............................to those men on that bridge up there, damn it!
Captain Shih Tystepteni Tzu, OUT!
We've received a uniform mandate from Starfleet command regarding head gear, and I've seen the new lids. I'm disappointed command would allow a drunkard like Lt-Major Bach Sergary to make a decision of this nature given the sweeping scope of such an order.
Piccard wii-mailed me his personal thoughts and unofficial objections, and I saw his crew during protocol. They were a proud lot donning the new helmets. They are a bit unusual, but it does seem to bring a sense of unity and discipline to the bridge.
He wants me to chair a committee to have Major Sergary declared insane. I have not yet declined the offer. Nor do I think I nor do shall I will shall or not. One thing is certain damn it---I have got............... ........................ .............................to do something!
I will speak with General Anesteasya, Colonel Lovekorn and Major Leegue before I accept such a politically unstable position like this, but Captain Schair, Captain Cainguru and Captain Krunge have all expressed their support. I must at least consider the idea -- I owe it.................. ........................... .......... ............................to those men on that bridge up there, damn it!
Captain Shih Tystepteni Tzu, OUT!
ShihTzuTylenol
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Captain's Log, Supplemental 20.082.01.08:46
Starfleet Command has directed the USS Splinterprose to do a preliminary exploration of a small planet in the Pink Phord Galaxy500, per advance of a full research team.
Sensors report the atmosphere to be breathable, but we are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms.
I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers and the new guy, Ensign Wenchine in case we get into something where we'll have to sacrifice a single soldier for the good of the entire crew.
Shih Tzu, OUT!
Starfleet Command has directed the USS Splinterprose to do a preliminary exploration of a small planet in the Pink Phord Galaxy500, per advance of a full research team.
Sensors report the atmosphere to be breathable, but we are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms.
I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers and the new guy, Ensign Wenchine in case we get into something where we'll have to sacrifice a single soldier for the good of the entire crew.
Shih Tzu, OUT!
Ensign Wenchine would be the one in the RED uniform? lol
Double tripping us, eh, mon Capita'n? Redirecting us from Only one thread, too, to make sure we don't miss the severity of the situation at Star Fleet Command?
So, who has the Admirable Rear. - - I mean, whose Rear is the Admiral in? - - I mean, who is the Rear Admiral? Yeah, THAT's it!
And, based on the preliminary viewing of the new head gear, I'd say Lt-Major Bach Sergary was on something stronger than even Romulan Ale when he came up with that design. Or was He the one the Admiral was rear-ending at the time? I mean, commanding, yeah, that's it.
Double tripping us, eh, mon Capita'n? Redirecting us from Only one thread, too, to make sure we don't miss the severity of the situation at Star Fleet Command?
So, who has the Admirable Rear. - - I mean, whose Rear is the Admiral in? - - I mean, who is the Rear Admiral? Yeah, THAT's it!
And, based on the preliminary viewing of the new head gear, I'd say Lt-Major Bach Sergary was on something stronger than even Romulan Ale when he came up with that design. Or was He the one the Admiral was rear-ending at the time? I mean, commanding, yeah, that's it.
ShihTzuTylenol
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Captain's Log, Supplemental 20.082.01.11:42
We have encountered an alien life form on the planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present.
Specifically, after hours of frustration the life form just appeared out of nowhere within steps of us all. Using protocol to signal a nonverbal command, Lieutenant Lyndon Phlox drew his faser and set it on L7 rigor[commonly refered to as stun].
Suddenly the creature just vanished leaving us all confused and disoriented as a faint puff of smoke was dissipating where the creature had just been. In our frustration we all began to sense the creature's presence among us. The breeze started to pick up dust and there was a pattern beginning to unfold.
But before I could decipher the patterns enough to pin point the alien it reappeared directly behind Mr.Phlox and my chief medical officer Dr.Thyrus Vinyard [Frizz], and before I could say anything it let out a loud shrieking noise causing Lt.Phlox to spin around and fire his faser inadvertently hitting Ensign Basil Toliver in the chest at point blank range.
There was an eerie silence as we were all frozen in disbelief. We were recently issued a citation by the Elder Council of Starfleet internal affairs because we had lost more young entry level crew members through senseless accidents than any Starship in the Airach Aartmin Galaxy. One more fuck up, one more irresponsible incident and I'll be disinfecting glory holes on a rickety Quasar shuttle along the Southern Cape of the Shiv-E Supernova.
I started wishing Lyndon had been aiming at me, and wondering how I could off myself before we beamed up.
It wasn't until the flare exhaust began to clear that we realized to our amazement, Mr.Toliver was not only alive, but he was still standing. Amazingly, his carbon fiber leotard and red shirt had been shredded in the matrix flash, but the suit had kept him safe, albeit he looked pretty rough.
In fact, aside from his hair being electrically charged pointing straight up in the air and smoking, and being covered with a black powdery soot, he seemed fine. That made his eyes appeared strangely bright and obvious.
That's probably when I first noticed his penis was engorged with a double shot of straight blood pressure. Frizz had a concern about eruption at first, and I had never seen a cock split open from being too hard and I didn't want to see it now. So the doctor helped him ejaculate to alleviate the excess stress. I peaked in and got to see him exploding his thick wads as Frizz used both hands to work it up. He began to truly relax shortly after that. Frizz had saved the day and obvious damage that could have occurred.
The smell of argon gelatin was lingering in the air, when I noticed how gorgeous Basil looked naked, and it seemed odd I hadn't heard any rumors about Ensign Toliver's obvious gift. Usually that sort of thing is all over the smokey poker games, backrooms and seedy storage areas in the underbelly of the ship within the first few weeks of arrival. I will have to check in often and make sure Basil makes a full, solid recovery.
After Frizz finished his field tests and concluded Toliver was essentially unscathed physically, the Ensign was beamed back onto the ship for a complete examination and routine incubation period.
The priority now is to get this life form to stay in one place long enough to triangulate, so the ship's hologram software can scan it and work out a stable cryostat profile. Then we can study it on board the Slinterprose.
We have encountered an alien life form on the planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present.
Specifically, after hours of frustration the life form just appeared out of nowhere within steps of us all. Using protocol to signal a nonverbal command, Lieutenant Lyndon Phlox drew his faser and set it on L7 rigor[commonly refered to as stun].
Suddenly the creature just vanished leaving us all confused and disoriented as a faint puff of smoke was dissipating where the creature had just been. In our frustration we all began to sense the creature's presence among us. The breeze started to pick up dust and there was a pattern beginning to unfold.
But before I could decipher the patterns enough to pin point the alien it reappeared directly behind Mr.Phlox and my chief medical officer Dr.Thyrus Vinyard [Frizz], and before I could say anything it let out a loud shrieking noise causing Lt.Phlox to spin around and fire his faser inadvertently hitting Ensign Basil Toliver in the chest at point blank range.
There was an eerie silence as we were all frozen in disbelief. We were recently issued a citation by the Elder Council of Starfleet internal affairs because we had lost more young entry level crew members through senseless accidents than any Starship in the Airach Aartmin Galaxy. One more fuck up, one more irresponsible incident and I'll be disinfecting glory holes on a rickety Quasar shuttle along the Southern Cape of the Shiv-E Supernova.
I started wishing Lyndon had been aiming at me, and wondering how I could off myself before we beamed up.
It wasn't until the flare exhaust began to clear that we realized to our amazement, Mr.Toliver was not only alive, but he was still standing. Amazingly, his carbon fiber leotard and red shirt had been shredded in the matrix flash, but the suit had kept him safe, albeit he looked pretty rough.
In fact, aside from his hair being electrically charged pointing straight up in the air and smoking, and being covered with a black powdery soot, he seemed fine. That made his eyes appeared strangely bright and obvious.
That's probably when I first noticed his penis was engorged with a double shot of straight blood pressure. Frizz had a concern about eruption at first, and I had never seen a cock split open from being too hard and I didn't want to see it now. So the doctor helped him ejaculate to alleviate the excess stress. I peaked in and got to see him exploding his thick wads as Frizz used both hands to work it up. He began to truly relax shortly after that. Frizz had saved the day and obvious damage that could have occurred.
The smell of argon gelatin was lingering in the air, when I noticed how gorgeous Basil looked naked, and it seemed odd I hadn't heard any rumors about Ensign Toliver's obvious gift. Usually that sort of thing is all over the smokey poker games, backrooms and seedy storage areas in the underbelly of the ship within the first few weeks of arrival. I will have to check in often and make sure Basil makes a full, solid recovery.
After Frizz finished his field tests and concluded Toliver was essentially unscathed physically, the Ensign was beamed back onto the ship for a complete examination and routine incubation period.
The priority now is to get this life form to stay in one place long enough to triangulate, so the ship's hologram software can scan it and work out a stable cryostat profile. Then we can study it on board the Slinterprose.
ShihTzuTylenol
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Ensign Wenchine would be the one in the RED uniform? lol
Double tripping us, eh, mon Capita'n? Redirecting us from Only one thread, too, to make sure we don't miss the severity of the situation at Star Fleet Command?
So, who has the Admirable Rear. - - I mean, whose Rear is the Admiral in? - - I mean, who is the Rear Admiral? Yeah, THAT's it!
And, based on the preliminary viewing of the new head gear, I'd say Lt-Major Bach Sergary was on something stronger than even Romulan Ale when he came up with that design. Or was He the one the Admiral was rear-ending at the time? I mean, commanding, yeah, that's it.
hehehe that's awesome!
ShihTzuTylenol
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Captain's Log, Stardate 20.092.010.12:48
The creature is still at large on the planet's surface. While Mr.East continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Dr.West on an Acme Pressurized Steamer in the lab annex, for when the creature is finally apprehended.
The creature is still at large on the planet's surface. While Mr.East continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Dr.West on an Acme Pressurized Steamer in the lab annex, for when the creature is finally apprehended.
ShihTzuTylenol
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Captain's Log, Stardate 20.092.01.01:34
The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Ensign Toliver and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr.Vinyard has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr.East has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
We have placed a dish of cornnuts out in the open in a bowl, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will eventually smell the cornnuts, get hungry and while bending down to eat, be deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of a really super sticky transparent stubornium bylar. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on Dr.Vinyard, mine or Mr.East's direct order.
The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Ensign Toliver and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr.Vinyard has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr.East has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
We have placed a dish of cornnuts out in the open in a bowl, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will eventually smell the cornnuts, get hungry and while bending down to eat, be deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of a really super sticky transparent stubornium bylar. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on Dr.Vinyard, mine or Mr.East's direct order.
First Officer's Log, Stardate 20.092.01.04:34
This is Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.
Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I tried to fire on it, but it moved much faster than the faser beam.
Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. The Captain had been looking up and saw it coming down on him, I recall, he was staring right at me with sad eyes, but there was nothing I could do for him at that moment. I don't know if he knew I had fired the shot, but I quickly hid my faser behind my back so he wouldn't hate me with his last breath.
With a tremendous crushing noise--several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain. Yet instead of smashing him flat, it was as if the boulders had hammered him right into the soft sandy soil driving him straight down until only his head was left showing, where an unusually tall thin knot began to grow out the top of his head within 4 to 5 seconds in real time.
Something on this planet was causing our bodies to repair themselves and protect us from great harm. The Captain is apparently not seriously injured; though he is in a state of disbelief and severe shock. He's under a lot of stress.
The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party. Our number one priority is to secure this menace at all costs.
This is Lt. Cummander Lik Mai Assmaan reporting.
Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I tried to fire on it, but it moved much faster than the faser beam.
Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. The Captain had been looking up and saw it coming down on him, I recall, he was staring right at me with sad eyes, but there was nothing I could do for him at that moment. I don't know if he knew I had fired the shot, but I quickly hid my faser behind my back so he wouldn't hate me with his last breath.
With a tremendous crushing noise--several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain. Yet instead of smashing him flat, it was as if the boulders had hammered him right into the soft sandy soil driving him straight down until only his head was left showing, where an unusually tall thin knot began to grow out the top of his head within 4 to 5 seconds in real time.
Something on this planet was causing our bodies to repair themselves and protect us from great harm. The Captain is apparently not seriously injured; though he is in a state of disbelief and severe shock. He's under a lot of stress.
The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party. Our number one priority is to secure this menace at all costs.