A Hairy Gnome Companion: Lawn Decorum And Vacuum Tales

[Lefty]

That jack ass of Don Quixotes'

Always farting and the imitation

Spaniard pretending its vapors.

Honestly, just what kind of dildoes

does he think we are?

 

[DonQuixote]

Dildoes?

I think you're like Coca Cola.
It's the Real Thing, Coke Is . . .

 

[Lefty]

Thank god he's is okay and he has only had his peepee
frostbitten not his sense of humour.

I am still in paroxysms over him using words like "I" and
"think" in the same sentence...

My God, talk about the pause that so refreshes.

 

[DonQuixote]

I've got something for those spasms, Lefty.
It can be applied in one of two ways to help curb your
uncontrollable issues -
Orally, or,
drop 'em and bend . . .

 

[Lefty]

all right donnie,

I am willing to try homo pathic

drop them and bend.

if that doesn't work I will let you do oral.

otherwise...night night.

 

[DonQuixote]

Lefty, Lefty, Lefty.
You got the spasms,
YOU gotta take the cure.

Open wide - your choice which of YOUR
two orifices you want the injection in.

 

[Lefty]

No no no

No Donnie O

I won't risk infection

from any injection

you go up to bed

you are out of your head

 

[DonQuixote]

My dad sent this to me. It reminded me of someone near and dear on this thread. It's dedicated to You - know - who - you - are . . .

(If I've seen it before, and YOU sent it to me, well, I've got CRS, too. . .)

Subject: Technology over 50


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. TheTV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

 

[Lefty]

Sadly enough, after 30 minutes of dialing my friend to schedule a
lunch.

My grandson came in, grabbed my phone and Son of a Bitch, he made
the damn thing turn the TV on and start up the VCR thingy.

It is amazing what ATT has done. Oh, I e-mailed my buddy with pen and
paper....holy fuck, transmission costs are like 46 cents per message now
and takes like 3 days.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

hehehehe we got my grandpa a GPS thingy too and he called to get help carrying groceries in HA! I swear these o'people now-a-days are a hand full! hehehe

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Ok -- another installment of 'CAPTION THIS'

ready?

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

IS THAT YOU BACK THERE CURLY?

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Reason#4: WHY YOU SHOULDN'T FOLLOW TOO CLOSELY

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

I know he ate Mr. ChewToy, but you gotta give it a couple days.

 

[Lefty]

God damn it.

Where's Waldo?

 

[Lefty]

me and my putter,

we did stutter

ignore this spot

I'll try to blot.

 

[Lefty]

Out back My Ass

Aussie sheperds don't just fart around
and they Doo back up.f

 

[Lefty]

Quit hounding me dog.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

"Guessing what the other one ate"
​

*sniff sniff*hmm...I detect beef and bacon definitely with a hint of orange sherbet. And I can actually see a kernel of corn!

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

Perhaps Archie has employed the lad to do some chores around the yard, and the little feller isn't really sure how the whole 'brown nosing' thing is supposed to work? hehehe


NOW there's a dog that's climbing the ladder!