A long time coming...

[mishima75]

i'm glad to see yr folks read the same book mine did 14 years ago.
that said, my folks did go get counselling afterwards and came to terms with it really well
congratulations... it takes guts, it takes self love, and it takes a willingness to want your family to share your life

i believe, like signorili, that everytime one of us comes out, the milkman or the athlete or the sales guy, it makes it easier for the next person and takes us towards a day where it will no longer have to matter.

 

[M4P]

The news stories on Pride parades and events are generally exaggerated. I love attending them and see them as a celebration of who we are and how far we've come. To those who haven't attended one I urge you to do so. Stand up and be proud of who you are and grateful to those who took off their disguises and fought for our rights. I find it very encouraging when I see more and more straight people attending

For years I wouldn't go because I was uncomfortable and afraid of being seen. Not any more. My partner and I will be in Palm Springs for Pride in November and my mother has asked if she can watch it with us

 

[jockboy01]

my folks did go get counselling afterwards and came to terms with it really well

Well, the counseling will NEVER happen with my parents unfortunately.

i believe, like signorili, that everytime one of us comes out, the milkman or the athlete or the sales guy, it makes it easier for the next person and takes us towards a day where it will no longer have to matter.

I do agree with this.

As an update, I thought that after having told them, things would get better.... at least for me. But it's actually been the opposite. I've been increasingly depressed... to where it is quite severely at this point. I'm not sure why and it's getting pretty bad. The relationship with them has actually gotten worse imo. Now they want to act like nothing happened yet it's clear that they don't want to accept that and they don't like that part of me. And it's just making me extremely angry and upset and I don't want to talk to them. And I know that's MY problem, but still. I just can't help myself right now.

 

[M4P]

Give them time, JB. Just remember how long it took you to come to terms with the fact you're gay. They're going to need time as well



PS: After I came out to my father my brother told him he said "I have a choice; I love my son or I lose my son"

 

[Lube]

As an update, I thought that after having told them, things would get better.... at least for me. But it's actually been the opposite. I've been increasingly depressed... to where it is quite severely at this point. I'm not sure why and it's getting pretty bad. The relationship with them has actually gotten worse imo. Now they want to act like nothing happened yet it's clear that they don't want to accept that and they don't like that part of me. And it's just making me extremely angry and upset and I don't want to talk to them. And I know that's MY problem, but still. I just can't help myself right now.

I guess the question now becomes: Is it just the gay issue that's a problem for your parents, or are they living in a totally different (i.e., unrealistic) reality from you?

If it's just the gay issue that's a problem for them, then, yeah, continue to educate them and give them time.

But if they have wacky views on the world in many different areas (not just homosexuality), it may be a lost cause. It'd be like trying to change your partner. You can't change people. They can only change themselves.

 

[halubtsi]

jockboy, I felt similarly after I had told my parents. Every so often my dad would make comments that would infuriate me, but would basically depress me shortly after. It's at times like that where you take comfort in your friends...your "other" family. Then, after your friends have reinforced you...you're ready to "fight" another day.

I have officially become a shit disturber with my family. But they haven't called me on it. Basically, I push the enveloppe every time we get together. In the beginning, I would rarely bring up my gay life. But slowly, I'd introduce aspects of that life. I'd talk about meeting my friends' boyfriends/partners...then later, I'd talk about a guy that I was seeing/dating...at one point I even talked about sex in a very general way. I don't actually talk about my sexual activity. Anyway, after my break-up and my dad made a particularly offensive comment..."Don't think about your ex...Now go for a woman." I decided not to spend New Year with my family. I broke tradition because I was angry. My parting shot to my dad was I came out to my extended family (on my dad's side) at the kitchen table during a family reunion at Christmas. Since then, my dad has not made another comment. I also purposely talk about my gay friends, the gay clubs/teams I'm a part of and anything "gay" in front of him. It's my way to say, "I'm gay and nothing you can say or do will change that." Lastly, when my family came up to visit, I had a huge party where all my gay friends showed up. They saw that NONE of my gay friends were effeminate, but were more like me. It opened their eyes to the "tame" gay crowd.

The point of my story is to show you the long and slow process of telling your Catholic parents. I told my parents in 2002, my dad made the offensive comment in 2007. 5 years after I tell them I'm gay, and my dad hadn't accepted the reality of what that meant...That his son dating, falling in love, having his heart obliterated by the words "I never actually loved you...", having his confidence shaken to the very core of his being and falling into a depression, somehow meant nothing...that it was actually all just a mistake and that his son should "Now, just go for a woman..." It hurts, jockboy, but that's just the way it is. Their dreams are clashing with reality. They're hoping that reality is just a dream, and that their dreams for you, will become reality. My parents didn't bring up the subject of me being gay after I had told them. They started calling me more often to see how I was doing...but they'd never ask about me being gay. They wanted to see if I was changing after I had come out to them. When they realized that everything remained the same, the calling frequency went back to normal. They wouldn't bring up the subject of homosexuality, unless I brought it up. Really, what could they say? What could they ask?

Always remember that your parents are proud of you despite what you may think. They do love you, but simply have a difficult time accepting that you're gay. They pretend like nothing has happened because they don't know how else to act. They don't know what else to say. They're in new territory...you're the only one who knows the terrain. Like it or not, you've got to guide them in those conversations if you really want your parents to not act like nothing has happened.

You've got friends that love you for who you are. They're there to prop you up when you don't have the will to stand on your own. Your parents will come around, in that I have no doubt. You'll be able to be yourself when you go home. You won't need to hide yourself. However, this will take time. In the meantime, you've got your friends with whom you can be completely open and yourself. So all I can say is: Hang in there my friend.

 

[mishima75]

As an update, I thought that after having told them, things would get better.... at least for me. But it's actually been the opposite. I've been increasingly depressed... to where it is quite severely at this point. I'm not sure why and it's getting pretty bad. The relationship with them has actually gotten worse imo. Now they want to act like nothing happened yet it's clear that they don't want to accept that and they don't like that part of me. And it's just making me extremely angry and upset and I don't want to talk to them. And I know that's MY problem, but still. I just can't help myself right now.

*hugs*
this I know well. firstly, it did take my parents ages to be able to come to terms and talk about things. gently as she goes is probably the motto there.

secondly, i think there's a feeling that once you come out, that's it - the battles in your head are over and the world can now take you on your terms. and it's not - like others have said, not only do your folks have to learn how to deal with it, they're going to have to begin their own process of coming out - and that's gotta be tough on folks who have no experience.

more so though, and I think this is where it's hitting you, is that you're out now and looking around and going, what now? where do I fit? what is my world because though my folks are my family, they're not the family I need - to hold me and know me and nurture me. And this is where it gets tougher - because you're looking now at all you have been up until this point and having to deal with that - and that's a lot of things being released into the air. You have to live with what you did and also you have to live now what you did not - and be now someone who you were never given guidance and love how to be.

So I'm gonna say it's ok you're feeling how yr feeling and recommend two things - get yourself a copy of

and possibly find a counsellor - i don't know if yr at uni - they often have good ones there - or if yr in a big city, the gay mens groups will know of one - note i'm not saying a shrink or a therapist or anything to do with medication - just someone you can talk to about t his, hwo you can trust, who is objective, so you can get things externalised - one of my big problems was for a long time just pushing it all in and thinking about it until it just fed itself and that anger gets hungry and you start eating yourself, and not in the good way either.

and above all - take stock ofhow far you've come. of what you've battled. nobody told us how to be gay, especially in catholic families. nobody gave us the love we needed and deserved. but we now have the chance, the reason, the strength and the good sense to have learnt that we need to chart our way and love our way and be loved our way - truthfully, honestly. and a lot of people never get the chance to know that

*hugs*

 

[jockboy01]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who experienced this unexpected turn of events. I'm better now, maybe I'm just getting sick and rapid cycling my emotions. Who knows.

But my mom left a voice mail today that basically was mad because I haven't yet told my brother. I didn't respond. I want to tell her that it took me a decade to tell them so they can wait a few weeks I think. Like I said, I just didn't respond. I'll tell him when the time is right (whenever that is).

As to a counselor... sure it would be beneficial. But I don't see it happening anytime in the near future. There is no time and too much stupid pride on my part.

 

[mishima75]

*nods*
well - if you can add to your pride by saying, I have come out to myself and to my parents - and that's hard, but i've survived, and now it's time for me to build the family I need, to find the people I need in my life.

and yr right -c oming out to yr brother should be on your own time

 

[tallguy297]

Jockboy,

You need to stop and let yourself catch up with all that's happened. I know that your life runs at a million miles an hour and that time for YOU is at a real premium... but you have to just stop for a sec... and let yourself process whats happened here.

You have not only crossed a line in the sand that was so hard drawn, so rigid and so self imposed that its almost impossible for you to really have digested what you've done. I know the fear and trepidation that you felt. I know the anguish and concern the visit caused you. I know the doubt and the bewilderment the departure has caused. And I know you feel let down, hurt and that theres a mountain of questions and things left unsaid.

Even though you knew it would play out the way it has, theres always a part in us that prays that it just goes... well better than that. That theres a hug, a few tears, a big talk and an "its ok son we love you with all our hearts"... and no one, no one could blame you for feeling hurt and a little lost when it didnt happen.

Somehow, this process is meant to open the doors, its meant to be cathartic and its meant to be a new beginning. For you right now I suspect you wonder why you did it. The effort, the pain, the courage it took to finally tell them. For what? Nothings changed...

Well mate, it has.

You're free.

Free to get on with life. Free to open up and be you. Free to let go of the guilt and the fear. Free to seek out and find what you really really want... happiness.

Mate, they played their hand. You've seen their cards. You can do no more than you have done. Your honesty and courage deserved a response thats the complete polar opposite to what you got. But, it didnt happen. Thats a reflection on them, not you. You Jockboy deserve better.

So get out from under that guilt. That hurt. That disappointment. Dont let them have any more say over how you feel, either through words, emotions or silence. They had their chance, they blew it. They have to live with the consequences of thier actions from here on in... your happiness has no bearing on them anymore.

Now its your turn.

Bring the boy friend home when you are ready. Let someone into your life... for you. Let someone shine for you, let someone love you and hold you. Live your life with someone who completes you and makes you smile. Find the guy who fills that void... and be as proud as hell. Dont ever be ashamed or embarrassed of who you are and who he is. Your family had thier chance to talk it out... now if that makes them uncomfortable... stiff.

Its time for you mate. Its time to catch your breath. Let yourself feel proud for what you did, for all thats happened so quick, so out of control... becasue no one could have done better.

And then piss em right off... get out there, and just be you.

 

[jockboy01]

You're free.

I wish that were true. It is... kind of. But I feel no more free than before I told them. I never their permission or approval for anything I did. It would have been nice to have it, but it didn't always happen. This is no different.

But I admit, there was a part of me that hoped I'd be wrong about how they'd take it. But I'm not surprised at the outcome either.

As stated, they've had their chance. I haven't talked to them much. In fact, we are not getting along at all at the moment regarding any issue. And I just don't have the time or energy to worry about it. It's really not my problem anymore. And it's clear that attempts to help them through it are rather futile.

They are trying to build their case about why I'm not gay. LOL. Hilarious really, if it weren't true. But I can tell that is the case based on the last email where my dad talks about conversion therapy. I referred him to the american society of psychiatrist website that pretty clearly stated that such therapy is not effective and can be detrimental. I haven't heard back. He says they have questions I won't like.... please, like I haven't already asked myself all of them at one point or another. I guess I wish they could know how much I struggled with this for years before I got to where I am now. I don't want to go back there.... not for anybody.

But I do need me time tallguy, you're right. And I'm taking it this weekend. I have three days off (a very rare occasion for me) and today I didn't feel guilty at all for just sitting around after I got home from work. I'm going to hang out with friends, go to the gym and play some sports. Catch up on life later.

I wish I wanted to talk to them, but I just don't. I have nothing left to say and I'm not getting into an argument about how I'm not really gay. It's stupid. If they get through to an acceptance stage, so be it. If not, well, again not my problem.

 

[halubtsi]

oohh, conversion therapy?! Wow, they pulled out the big guns, eh? My parents never heard of it, so it was never a suggestion to come out of their mouths. lol.

I know you don't want to talk to them...and I think that's a good thing. Give it some time. After a couple of weeks of not hearing from you, they'll have a formed a stronger case for how you're not "really gay." That's when you write from out of the blue and give them another gay wake-up call.

Remember though, you've got a big weapon in your arsenal. I haven't used it myself, but I came close. It's the "are you ashamed of me?" argument. It puts them on the defensive...but, I'm sure you can see what the risk of using it is.

Enjoy Labour day weekend.

 

[GL]

jockboy i've been reading your thread and to be honest i can't contribute anything more than the excellent advice you've received thus far. i will tell you that i had pretty much the same experience when i came out to my parents in '06. it got to a point where we were not speaking for a while but eventually they came back. we've hit some rough patches here and there, mostly with my mother but we seem to bounce back. be strong, be proud and know that your folks are very proud of you. they're just having a hard time reconciling their beliefs and their hopes and dreams for you. at some point i'm sure they will realize that you can and will be happy living your life as a gay man.

 

[jockboy01]

My parents never heard of it, so it was never a suggestion to come out of their mouths.

Mine either. The internet is a wonderful thing isn't it? Haha.

It's too early for the "you're ashamed of me". It would bring more trouble than it's worth right now.

Thanks for the support GL. Yes, the advice here is always good... that's why I've stayed around here all of these years haha.

 

[halubtsi]

Mine either. The internet is a wonderful thing isn't it? Haha.

Yeah...it's great. My parents only know how to check their e-mail and do stocks...They don't know how to search...They hadn't even heard of google.

It's too early for the "you're ashamed of me". It would bring more trouble than it's worth right now.

No, you're absolutely right. It's the weapon of last resort. It's the equivalent of laying down all your chips. You use it when you've got nothing more to lose.

But like everyone else has suggested, just give your parents time. Don't be too angry with them...just let them be. They'll eventually come around. It'll just take a few years. (Year 6 with my parents...but I think they've finally come to accept it...It only took 1 ex-boyfriend, 1 surprise on-the-spot Coming out in front of the extended family, and them seeing me hanging out with all my gay friends)

 

[Lube]

They are trying to build their case about why I'm not gay. LOL. Hilarious really, if it weren't true. But I can tell that is the case based on the last email where my dad talks about conversion therapy. I referred him to the american society of psychiatrist website that pretty clearly stated that such therapy is not effective and can be detrimental. I haven't heard back. He says they have questions I won't like.... please, like I haven't already asked myself all of them at one point or another. I guess I wish they could know how much I struggled with this for years before I got to where I am now. I don't want to go back there.... not for anybody.

Right, and you can educate them much more quickly than the years it took to educate yourself. It's a process; it's going to take time. Maybe they'll never totally understand it, but you can help them along. They are reliving in weeks/months what took you years.

 

[jockboy01]

It's a process; it's going to take time. Maybe they'll never totally understand it, but you can help them along.

I used to think that was true. But they don't want my help. They don't want me to be gay. They want evidence that shows its mutable. That's not something I can/would give them. It's going to take them just as long if not longer. I'm not convinced they will ever accept it... in fact, I'm pretty sure they won't. They don't talk about at all. Fine, I don't care any more.

just let them be. They'll eventually come around. It'll just take a few years.

That's the plan. They won't come around until forced to.... aka if I ever have a bf.

 

[Eagle653]

Maybe living on other ends of the country is a good thing. I'm really sorry they're stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the truth and the obvious.

The only thing you have on your side is time--both for yourself and for them. Well, and physical distance, too, I guess.

It has to really hurt, though, to be treated like this. You acknowledge something that's taken this long in your life to acknowledge and come to terms with yourself, and their first response is "No, you're not." The second is, "Here, try this and change yourself."

You're a bright and accomplished man. Most parents would give their eye teeth to have a son who's a moderator on a gay porn website. Well, I mean, you know what I mean...

Just out of curiosity, how do you think your brother is going to take this? If well (or at least better), then telling him sooner, rather than later, might bode well for you. The reason why your mother wants you to tell him, of course, is so that she can talk with him about it. Maybe that could help move them along in accepting this, if they hear about it from someone other than you, atm.

Good luck...I hope things turn around, but I'm glad to see you're not despondent about it if they don't, at least immediately.

 

[jockboy01]

As to the brother... I'm not sure he's going to be much better. Maybe a bit better. But hard to say. He's not the most accepting person of differences either. If I thought he'd be an advocate, I would have told him already. He might be, but I'm not convinced.

 

[halubtsi]

Well, you know your brother the best. I didn't tell my brother because I thought he'd be an advocate...I told him to just get it over with. lol. And considering my bro is large C Conservative and in the military, I wasn't expecting much in terms of support.

When you do decide to tell your brother, how do you think your sil will take the news? Do you think she'd be supportive?