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A Nervous breakdown and feeling suicidal

KrisHawkXXX

KrisHawkXXX

JUB Addict
Banned
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Posts
3,550
Reaction score
12
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Location
La Grange
I know some people might give me shit for saying this I don't care I have nobody to run to. I'm fucked up outta my mind right now i took mood uppers that i kept from years ago to keep me stable.

I can't please anyone.. nothing I do is good enough.. nobody really likes me and the people that do pay attention to me is my family and they do that because they feel an obligation. I have nothing to offer to the world and i feel so shitty about myself.

My mom and I have so much tension and it all goes back to the abuse from being a child. I was so scared to say what my neighbor did to me but a staff member at school said to say something and to this day I should have let it keep continuing. Before then me and my mom were close and now she is so possessive and makes everything all about her... all the drama in our family is because I opened my mouth thinking stopping the abuse and getting help would've been the answer. EVERY fight in my family all roots back to me. (By the way the fear of uncut dicks comes from the rape trauma. I see an uncut dick and I see HIM.. not the guy in front of me. He was dirty.. forced me as a kid.. and I see uncut dick online I feel emotions of horror.. anger... rage... and nausea)

Nobody in school ever liked me i was the faggot and put down by all these white trash snooty republican students whose redneck parents taught them all fags are sinners and are lower then garbage. I was the kid at recess all by myself sitting in the grass and smelling flowers. By age 12 I hated republicans and rednecks so bad I knew i was gonna start a minority gang that went around hanging them since they think its ok to do it to blacks mexicans and gays for so many generations. At 14 I drove through trailer parks bombing their mailboxes with kids from highschool if they had Bush Posters in their lawns and leave gay pride flags in their lawns.

To me outside of highschool when it came to guys I was just a piece of ass nobody bothered to see me as a decent human being. If I ever came CLOSE to getting in touch with a guy emotionally and would bond with him.. my mom would start to blame herself again for me being raped and would lock me in my room then put a bolt on it. She would get the guy's number and harass him. I convinced myself that I was so fucked up and disturbed i began to REALLY hate myself.

My bf can't be sexually turned on by me... because hes already used to me and knows me... just like all men.. you have it once.. you don't want it anymore.. its just a pizza.. you have a few slices and ur done.. you dont care what happens to the pizza.. when you are hungry you LOVE the pizza and will do anything for it.. once your needs are met.... you dont care if its thrown in the garbage.. u might nibble on it during the night but by morning u want it outta ur house.. or u hand it to someone else that wants the rest.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday thinking im fat or ugly. Just to improve myself esteem two weeks ago i sent in an application to do porn and got rejected 2 days ago because i dont have a perfect figure.. because im fat.. and because im ugly..

I dont wanna live anymore and ive tried to kill myself so many times and when I do have enough courage I usually pass out and someone drags me to the ER against my will or i end up puking the pills and/or poison i end up taking. I've thought of slicing my throat but i'm afraid of the pain or if i survive and I spend the rest of my life not being able to talk or I can't breath without a machine. I have gathered some 5 year old expired bottle of blood pressure medications but Im afraid to use them... like If I go into a coma and I come out years later and Ill feel worse when nobody cares and ill wanna die even more then. I dont know what I want outta posting this maybe someone who feels something similar. I know many people post this as trolls looking for attention and with my track record here I know people will think this is no different. I can't tell anyone my bf is asleep next to me and a doctor will throw me in a hospital against my will. I feel like im in a circular room with no doors or windows and Im running around screaming.

I keep these feelings inside for the reasons that people will think I want attention when really I want help or advice.. or to know the people in my actual life care about me. But If I tell them how I feel they won't care.. so i keep it inside. These feelings keep coming back more and more
 
Taking psychoactive drugs that you have from years ago is a bad idea; your body chemistry could be vastly different from what it was when you were first prescribed to them, on top of that, taking any sort of drugs like that without being monitored by a physician of sorts can be dangerous.

I know we give you shit, dude, but take care of yourself. :\
 
You need far more help than anyone on the internet can provide for you. Even if someone can relate to what you are experiencing, it is not enough and it is not what you really need. It is obvious you have been on a downward spiral for some time now.

The internet is not your friend and it is not your physician.
You need immediate medical and professional help.
 
Oh, and hands up here everyone who's had a complete breakdown before?

Hands up who here has felt hopeless at one point or another?

Hands up who felt they just couldn't keep up the happy, brave exterior any more?

Hands up who felt like they were out of options?

Because we've al been there and I'd be willing to be virtually all of us have made it through the other side a better man for it?

Because I sure have.. all of the above... and more recently than I'd be willing to admit.
 
Madonna said:
I know some people might give me shit for saying this I don't care I have nobody to run to. I'm fucked up outta my mind right now i took mood uppers that i kept from years ago to keep me stable.

I can't please anyone.. nothing I do is good enough.. nobody really likes me and the people that do pay attention to me is my family and they do that because they feel an obligation. I have nothing to offer to the world and i feel so shitty about myself.

My mom and I have so much tension and it all goes back to the abuse from being a child. I was so scared to say what my neighbor did to me but a staff member at school said to say something and to this day I should have let it keep continuing. Before then me and my mom were close and now she is so possessive and makes everything all about her... all the drama in our family is because I opened my mouth thinking stopping the abuse and getting help would've been the answer. EVERY fight in my family all roots back to me. (By the way the fear of uncut dicks comes from the rape trauma. I see an uncut dick and I see HIM.. not the guy in front of me. He was dirty.. forced me as a kid.. and I see uncut dick online I feel emotions of horror.. anger... rage... and nausea)

Nobody in school ever liked me i was the faggot and put down by all these white trash snooty republican students whose redneck parents taught them all fags are sinners and are lower then garbage. I was the kid at recess all by myself sitting in the grass and smelling flowers. By age 12 I hated republicans and rednecks so bad I knew i was gonna start a minority gang that went around hanging them since they think its ok to do it to blacks mexicans and gays for so many generations. At 14 I drove through trailer parks bombing their mailboxes with kids from highschool if they had Bush Posters in their lawns and leave gay pride flags in their lawns.

To me outside of highschool when it came to guys I was just a piece of ass nobody bothered to see me as a decent human being. If I ever came CLOSE to getting in touch with a guy emotionally and would bond with him.. my mom would start to blame herself again for me being raped and would lock me in my room then put a bolt on it. She would get the guy's number and harass him. I convinced myself that I was so fucked up and disturbed i began to REALLY hate myself.

My bf can't be sexually turned on by me... because hes already used to me and knows me... just like all men.. you have it once.. you don't want it anymore.. its just a pizza.. you have a few slices and ur done.. you dont care what happens to the pizza.. when you are hungry you LOVE the pizza and will do anything for it.. once your needs are met.... you dont care if its thrown in the garbage.. u might nibble on it during the night but by morning u want it outta ur house.. or u hand it to someone else that wants the rest.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday thinking im fat or ugly. Just to improve myself esteem two weeks ago i sent in an application to do porn and got rejected 2 days ago because i dont have a perfect figure.. because im fat.. and because im ugly..

I dont wanna live anymore and ive tried to kill myself so many times and when I do have enough courage I usually pass out and someone drags me to the ER against my will or i end up puking the pills and/or poison i end up taking. I've thought of slicing my throat but i'm afraid of the pain or if i survive and I spend the rest of my life not being able to talk or I can't breath without a machine. I have gathered some 5 year old expired bottle of blood pressure medications but Im afraid to use them... like If I go into a coma and I come out years later and Ill feel worse when nobody cares and ill wanna die even more then. I dont know what I want outta posting this maybe someone who feels something similar. I know many people post this as trolls looking for attention and with my track record here I know people will think this is no different. I can't tell anyone my bf is asleep next to me and a doctor will throw me in a hospital against my will. I feel like im in a circular room with no doors or windows and Im running around screaming.

I keep these feelings inside for the reasons that people will think I want attention when really I want help or advice.. or to know the people in my actual life care about me. But If I tell them how I feel they won't care.. so i keep it inside. These feelings keep coming back more and more
Click to expand...

When that much shit happened to you and when that much shit is going on, you're not supposed to be able to handle it all yourself. It looks like you are getting exhausted just trying. Let yourself admit that you are going to need a hand with all of this. It doesn't mean you are giving up just because you need help to get stabilized and start moving on again.

If you had a broken leg, you'd be willing to let a doctor put a cast on you so you could heal. If it turns out that some of your past life experiences are broken, I hope you will be just as accepting of help to get better.
 
JasunStrikesBack said:
Oh, and hands up here everyone who's had a complete breakdown before?

Hands up who here has felt hopeless at one point or another?

Hands up who felt they just couldn't keep up the happy, brave exterior any more?

Hands up who felt like they were out of options?

Because we've al been there and I'd be willing to be virtually all of us have made it through the other side a better man for it?

Because I sure have.. all of the above... and more recently than I'd be willing to admit.
Click to expand...

...more times than i care to admit.

to the op- do yourself a favor and get some help.
 
Hey Madonna, I didn't read the other posts here, but I just wanted to say that people do care about you. Even people here on this forum. What you are feeling, has been felt by millions of other people. You are not alone. Please, call a suicide hotline. At the very least, continue to post here and let us know you are ok.
 
You've admitted something is wrong. You've sought feedback and support. You've gotten it. These are good things.

Now, you have to go one step further, and get the real help you should have gotten all those years ago. Everything in your life has led you to this time--what happened to you was not your fault. Reporting it was the right thing to do. The adults around you were messed up and did not handle it correctly. That was not your fault either. What happened to you all those years ago is almost certainly responsible for the ways you act out today--choosing men to put into your life who are not good for you, reaching out to people on here to understand you, then pushing them away with behavior that is over the top. These things too are not your fault.

However, they are your responsibility to change if you want to stop feeling this way. Call the number provided earlier in this thread, or call The Covenant House Nine Line (1-800-999-9999). Seek professional help--you may even need to consider hospitalization. That is not a bad thing if it is what you need. Some some kind of help though, RIGHT AWAY. Do not back away in the morning when you realize you posted this thread. You wrote a coherent, articulate plea for help; now seek that help.

What happened to you was wrong. How it was handled was wrong. Those things, however, are in the past. You are a man now, and the only way you are going to heal and move beyond the past is if you start taking action in the present to heal yourself. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done--and it will most certainly be the greatest gift you could ever give to that small boy inside you who needs someone to finally hear him and show him he's loved.
 
I thought I had something to add, but people above me have said everything that I was intending to say, and more.

Please notice what's been said here, and act on it. As Killjoke said, your plea for help was very articulate, which means that you do realize that there is a problem. That is usually considered to be about one-half of the battle, just admitting there's a problem.

Please do something good for yourself, and seek help from somebody who has studied these types of feelings. If you have the option to seek out a therapist who is aware of gay issues, all the better. (I don't know which LaGrange you're in - if it's GA or TX you probably have no such option, but in IL you probably do...)

You deserve happiness and fulfillment as much as anybody else does.
 
Raising my hand... *wave*

If you're afraid a doctor will have you committed, maybe the hotline is a good place to start.

But in any event you absolutely have to get in touch with a professional who can give you good advice based on a lifetime of helping people with similar problems. You need to hear from somebody besides yourself and the (apparently rather fucked-up) people around you.

By the way, I'm only a part-time JUBber, but I recognize your handle from the Current Affairs forum, where you've started a lot of interesting discussions, and just generally shown that you're an intelligent and aware guy. So you have a lot to offer the world, and we need you to keep offering it...
 
Well, by now, I suspect you've crashed and are either in the ER or seriously catatonic.

It has been fairly apparent over the last few weeks that you've been in a manic behavioural phase.

Now, let's start back at the beginning.

Get professional help. Talk to someone at suicide prevention as much as you need to.

Get your meds sorted out and then take them. Properly.

No recreational drugs.

Cut out sugar and processed foods.

Establish regular sleeping patterns.

Get outdoors for exercise.

Make peace with your family and the guy that abused you.

And then what everybody else has said as well.
 
hiya mad

first, all the above is valid except may rareboys make peace thought. the only person you need to make peacw with is YOU. poor baby, you were molestested, yes molested. so someONE took advantage of your body. ok, take a shower, take 2 showers...the human body is resiliant, like your car the shit washes off be it bird or human.

re mom...her is her is her is nher. she is a mom and that means she has guilt/love/anger/frustration/confusion and a litany of other thing to go through. DON'T take her stuff on MAN thats her stuff to go through.

i will continue
 
the net is supposed to be a relaxing thing...so do so

next, you don't have a bf, you have a USER. his problems seem insignifigant when he can abuse you. so, like a politician tewrm the asshole out. BYEBYE.

porn: they only want picture perfect , everything is cherry,,, but none of it is real. quit trying to sell your most precious commodity (YOU) for approval. you don't need approval from anyone but yourself...oh, and me...but that was given whem i responded.

find someone, professional(yuck) or personal to talk to..even GOD forbid a clergyman/woman. i expect to se you here next round but not as madonna (whore/mother of christ/entertainer) but as MAXIMANICAN...mad, plz for me try :cry::cry::cry::wave:
 
I can't really say anything here that hasn't been repeated in this entire thread, but I'm wanting you to know that you've gotten 32 answers in about 6 hours. That alone should show you how people, if some who don't know about you, still care whether you're alive or not. I care, and I've seen your occasional post through my hauntings of the forum.
You have a lot of crap in your past, but what's worse is that you're letting it affect you now. But you've gone through it all and are still alive today atests to the fact that you're a helluva strong person, because many would have given up by now.

My advise for being rejected by the porn site: Mate, these are sites who make a living off of showing the unattainble. The actors are paid to do it, and a lot of the time, they have a hard time finding people willing to talk to them. As weird as it sounds, by being rejected, by being attainable, the sites have said that you'll have no problem finding someone who loves you as you are. Dreams are nice, but that's all they are. Personally, I prefer a lot of your pictures over those from some of those sites, it shows a guy I wouldn't be afraid to talk to, which are the kinds of guys I love best. You have a damn cute face, and a better looking body than tons of people out there, why mark yourself by those few better than you?
As for your boyfriend not being turned on by you, then turn it up. Have sex every night? Don't do it for a week while teasing him and see what he does then. I guarentee you'll love the result.

The final word I can say is keep your chin up, we care about you. You've got plenty going for you, you just need to realise it yourself! So, instead of looking in the mirror and saying you're ugly and fat, go check out some of the threads you posted with pics of yourself. They'll tell you the opposite. Feeling depressed? Talk to a friend, one of us, or better yet, finally get it dealt with properly. And if the quack can't cure you, make a game of seeing if you can break the quack. $10 if you can do it within a month ;)

Keep it up, we're thinking about you!
 
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