Advice?

[TXSunsetEagle]

Hey guys, thought I'd get some opinions on my life at the moment since I really have no one else to go to for advice.

Background::
I've been raised straight my entire life. Anything other than straight was strictly frowned upon (I'm from Texas that should say it all right there). I live the jock lifestyle, leaving a legacy in tennis behind at my high school which I've taken to the next level in college. I've had 3 girlfriends throughout high school and they all cheated on me which therefore ended the relationship. I noticed a small fetish when I was younger and I think that's the reason I've come to be a bit curious with guys. Of course i've never really done anything with them except on a few occasions. And on those few select occasions I was so nervous and freaked I didn't let myself enjoy it.

Present:
Currently I'm in my junior year of college and it seems like I continually get more depressed with the passing days. I see couples and I get jealous and down on myself because quite frankly I don't know what my mind wants. I don't consider myself attractive (I'm pretty much skin and bones) and any girl that wants to talk to me just wants to get in my pants and I of course shove her away. Lately I've been wishing I had a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Which goes against everything I was brought up with, but I sorta wanna get it out of my system to see if that's what I really want or not. Call me old fashioned but I was raised a southern gentleman, where people don't run around trying to get into each others pants. I've tried getting on adam4adam and that was a big mistake and I recently took down my profile. I had nothing but creepy old men message me and the young ones I thought seemed cool ended up just wanting to hook up. I've never had sex with a guy and I doubt I ever will, I still cringe at the thought of something going in my ass.


Questions::
How do I get rid of feeling depressed all the time? Also this fetish thing has really been a big burden, is it wrong to have a fetish? Does anyone really find skinny guys attractive? Would I consider myself bi or straight? Has anyone else gone through any of this?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. Take your time looking around here and read some posts in this forum. We were all raised straight. That's what's done in our heterosexist world. Fetishes, like anything else, are ok as long it doesn't interfer with our mental or physical health. If women want to get into your pants why wouldn't a gay or bi guy? You're going to be the only person who will determine your sexual orientation. There are people that don't like labels at all, so it's whatever works best for you. Given that I was married to a woman and have 2 children it has been best for me to determine and identify with being gay.

If you're feeling confused, sad, lethargic or depressed to consider seeing a therapist to sort out your issues. You have a whole life ahead of you and I'd hate to see you not being fully present like I wasn't. The fog didn't lift for me until I was about 35. Good luck to you.

 

[loveguys72]

Hey guys, thought I'd get some opinions on my life at the moment since I really have no one else to go to for advice.

Background::
I've been raised straight my entire life. Anything other than straight was strictly frowned upon (I'm from Texas that should say it all right there). I live the jock lifestyle, leaving a legacy in tennis behind at my high school which I've taken to the next level in college. I've had 3 girlfriends throughout high school and they all cheated on me which therefore ended the relationship. I noticed a small fetish when I was younger and I think that's the reason I've come to be a bit curious with guys. Of course i've never really done anything with them except on a few occasions. And on those few select occasions I was so nervous and freaked I didn't let myself enjoy it.

Present:
Currently I'm in my junior year of college and it seems like I continually get more depressed with the passing days. I see couples and I get jealous and down on myself because quite frankly I don't know what my mind wants. I don't consider myself attractive (I'm pretty much skin and bones) and any girl that wants to talk to me just wants to get in my pants and I of course shove her away. Lately I've been wishing I had a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Which goes against everything I was brought up with, but I sorta wanna get it out of my system to see if that's what I really want or not. Call me old fashioned but I was raised a southern gentleman, where people don't run around trying to get into each others pants. I've tried getting on adam4adam and that was a big mistake and I recently took down my profile. I had nothing but creepy old men message me and the young ones I thought seemed cool ended up just wanting to hook up. I've never had sex with a guy and I doubt I ever will, I still cringe at the thought of something going in my ass.


Questions::
How do I get rid of feeling depressed all the time? Also this fetish thing has really been a big burden, is it wrong to have a fetish? Does anyone really find skinny guys attractive? Would I consider myself bi or straight? Has anyone else gone through any of this?

You never did say what this "fetish" was that you had when you were younger that now makes you curious about guys. You've got a lot of issues packed into your post, more than we here, I think, can competantly address. You might benefit from professional psychological counseling to determine the real cause of your depression and negative body image.

Good luck.

 

[TXSunsetEagle]

Thanks guys it means a lot. Sadly I'm your typical college student and cannot afford a therapist. My only solution is to bottle it up inside and hopefully let it out someday when the time is right. Wish my area wasn't as bad as it is! Btw that fetish is a bit gnarly so I'll save the details on it and just say its odd.

 

[Seasoned]

Hey buddy, once you find a consensual partner no fetish is out of bounds unless it causes injury. I know I have mine and sometimes only when I'm really turned on and, depending on the vibe I'm getting from my husband, it might go unmentioned. Masturbatory fantasy has its purpose.

As far as therapy is concerned, go online and do a bit of research for free or fee based on ability to pay clinics. A gay helpline would also have suggestions. Self-help books are also available. While we don't do therapy here we are a community of support. Keep posting or pm anyone you think might help with insight. I'm willing to respond to private messages.

 

[ThatRandomGuy]

Sometimes a good way to start is just to relieve some of your stress. Create some goals some large some small, some fun-oriented others work-oriented. You mention your area is bad. You can always focus on school and explore after you move somewhere you feel more comfortable or you can be discreet. Also don't let anal sex scare you away from the idea of a relationship with a man, not everyone is interested in receiving it and it's normal to feel that way. Your depression isn't something you should seek to be cured through a companionship for that can put strain on the relationship. Try to tackle things one at a time and find what's bothering you and move from there. College can be the time we find ourselves and who we want to be. Take time to ignore what family and others have taught you about morals and discover what your morals alone are. Depression can be caused by conflicting morals or loneliness. Making friends or getting out of your room once in awhile can help cure that loneliness feeling. Take things day by day and don't stress too much about relationships. It will occur naturally if you let it.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi TXSunsetEagle,

I would stop bothering what other people think about your physical appearance. And please be aware that alot of your fellow-students (as well as guys of around your age) suffer from overweight. Quite a few of such guys even suffer from a heavy form of overweight, and you can easily class them as obese. Hey man, you can eat what you want, without bothering about your weight.

So you told us that you are good in playing tennis, making it likely that you will have alot of 'friends / aquaintances / sportmates' who also play tennis. Are you aware of the amount of lesbian girls / women who play tennis (including the professional ones)? A lot of them, irrelevant if they are from the US or from other countries.

I was wondering what would change if all of your tennis mates are aware that you are -also- interested in guys. Any idea about this? Would they stop talking with you, will they refuse playing tennis with you? Will they stop socializing with you? I doubt about this.

I predict that not much will change when all these people are aware that you are bi/gay (so also interested in guys). Moreover, be open about this will have at least two advantages:
(1) your general feeling will get a positive boost, as you don't need to hide/ly anymore about parts of your life;
(2) you let other likeminded bi/gay guys (be it one of the sportmates, or anyone else around there) know that you are also bi/gay, ànd single.

How can any other 'southern gentlemen' find you (during tennis, or at college, or anywhere else), when you hide to the whole world that you are bi/gay & single & looking around for a nice & decent boyfriend / would like to have some like-minded friends for socializing / hanging out together (etc)?

Is there any sort of GSA (gay straight alliance) of LGBT group at you college, with whom you can talk about your mental situation?

Finally, please ignore narrow-minded / bigotted people who seem to be homophobes. Such people are not your friends, and better try to make friends with people who don't bother if you are straight, gay or anything in between.

Good luck, and feel free to react / ask for additional information.

 

[TXSunsetEagle]

Thanks guys for the words of advice it all really means a lot!

 

[TXSunsetEagle]

Thought i'd give this an update since lately it's been eating away at me. I attempted to make amends with the team first which was a big mistake. And now I know if I do tell them I will be mocked and shunned. I can't dare go to any groups on campus because of the fact that it would get back to the team. So I continue on and just keep it hidden though it's progressively getting worse. The main thing about it is, I have no close friends to talk to at this point to help me sort out stuff. The times I did trust a friend they went behind my back and spread rumors. So does anyone have any more advice? Just really tired of feeling "alone in a crowded room" if anyone's heard that song lyric before.

 

[loveguys72]

Not sure what you mean by making amends to the team, Tex. Amends for what? Being off your game? Being gay/bi/curious? Also, if it gets back to the team you attended a campus LGBT group, so what? This is YOUR life to live as YOU see fit. You don't need anyone's approval or permission to be you.

I know it's hard, coming from the background and the region you do. Remember that we're here for you.

 

[wikke1]

I can only speak from personal experience.
Don't take "offense" in my post, I'm trying to help.

You call it "a fetish for men". I think you are gay.
Your feelings of depression are probably due to "internalised homophobia" (look it up, it could open up your eyes).

The only advice I could give you, is to dare to go deep into your "soul" and confront some issues/the truth.
When you're ready, come out to the world.
Again, speaking as someone with experience (like most of us probably), coming out will soon make those depressed feelings go away.
I know the coming out seems scary, but I'ld like to quote SEASONED on this:
"Depending upon our individual personality we may not act on coming out until our emotional pain is greater than our fear of being found out."
SEASONED, you had some quote along these lines as a signature, no? What exactly was it again?

Maybe you'll also be able to relate to this thread:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/370214-Feeling-kinda-depressed

 

[TXSunsetEagle]

But the thing I don't know what I am. I wanna say bi but honestly I just don't know, the entire process is confusing. I just don't see how everyone is so peaceful and happy all the time and I have to pretend my hardest to be happy so people don't bother questioning me. There's so much pressure on me at the moment

 

[wikke1]

But the thing I don't know what I am. I wanna say bi but honestly I just don't know, the entire process is confusing. I just don't see how everyone is so peaceful and happy all the time and I have to pretend my hardest to be happy so people don't bother questioning me. There's so much pressure on me at the moment

I see...
For me it was different.
I was very depressed, but it was because I KNEW I was gay, but didn't want to be...
I was 27 when I came out!
You're quite a bit younger, right?
Maybe you just need some more time to figure things out?
Try (I know it's really hard) to stay calm and not let yourself be or feel pressured. Whatever it is you are feeling, I think the most important thing to not feel pressured/depressed/... is to share your feelings with someone. Be it online or in real life. Sharing your feelings and getting fedback takes away a lot of pressure.
All the best to you!

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, here's the deal. All that pressure, the depression, the fear, you're doing that to yourself. I grew up in the backwoods right here in Texas being drug by my Grandma to every Southern Baptist Revival she could find.

Stop telling yourself that it's hopelessly impossible to be out and gay and fine with it because you are from Texas.

It's not.

You're telling yourself that and tossing all those obstacles in your own path because the person who can't accept it is yourself. This is not uncommon. It's extremely normal. Some guys get through this quickly some don't, but your first step is to start asking yourself in your own head:

"...if I were a gay man why would that be wrong.."

Try it, see if you can question yourself like that and come up with something positive. Bet you can't. When I first started coming out I couldn't even say the word gay. That's normal too, you just have to keep at it.

 

[TXSunsetEagle]

Yeah, here's the deal. All that pressure, the depression, the fear, you're doing that to yourself. I grew up in the backwoods right here in Texas being drug by my Grandma to every Southern Baptist Revival she could find.

Stop telling yourself that it's hopelessly impossible to be out and gay and fine with it because you are from Texas.

It's not.

You're telling yourself that and tossing all those obstacles in your own path because the person who can't accept it is yourself. This is not uncommon. It's extremely normal. Some guys get through this quickly some don't, but your first step is to start asking yourself in your own head:

"...if I were a gay man why would that be wrong.."

Try it, see if you can question yourself like that and come up with something positive. Bet you can't. When I first started coming out I couldn't even say the word gay. That's normal too, you just have to keep at it.

Well glad to see that worked for you, but I'm not you, sorry. And see that means you already knew what you were, I still don't. No point in trying if you don't even know what to classify yourself at the moment. I'm thinking I'm bi but I'm still not 100%.

 

[TX-Beau]

And we hit the nerve. There is nothing you are saying that a whole bunch of us haven't already said. Instead of getting mad, you might consider that a lot of us have been down this road before and know the terrain.

It's not easy, and it's not comfortable and you may not be in a place where you can deal, but your situation won't get better unless you work on yourself whoever you decide you are.

 

[loveguys72]

I'm sure he'll figure things out in his own time, Beau. In the meanwhile, no sense in beating him up over it. He seems to have quite enough to be getting on with without the people he's asking for help heaping on.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Is there a gay and lesbian student center at the college you go to in Austin? Or is there a gay and lesbian community center in Austin which might have counselling services you can check out?

 

[Georgiadude]

It's not an easy road and MANY of us have struggled with the very question at hand. Many of us have had to hide & cover our tracks. Your not alone and it can be a long hard road to travel. What you need to keep in mind is this is YOUR life and only you can live it. I was raised in the North Central U.S in a strict Catholic household. Believe me. My family wasn't thrilled when I came out but after the dust settled I still have my family and have new friends. Your family will still be there for you. They may not be thrilled and need some time to come to grips with things but they will still love you. Hell they may even suspect something. At this point in your life you have a lot going on and it can be overwhelming. You don't have to apply a label to who you are. Take your time and figure it out. Many guys use college as a time to experiment. You're going to have to take some risk and put yourself out there a little so other guys know you're interested. A4A didnt work. There are other sites or apps you can try. Just be careful and meet in a public place first. There's no need to just "lose your cherry" for the sake of losing it. That usually leads to more confusion and frustration. Get used to being with a guy before you try your fetish. You're not comfortable sharing that with us and that's fine. Take things one step at a time and it will all work itself out. Please feel free to PM me if you want. I'll be more than happy to talk more.

Steven.

 

[wikke1]

You know, this thread is "close to my heart", because I feel very related to you.
I know you are not me, and I don't want to beat you up about this issue.
It's just that, when I was your age, I was practicaly in the same situation as you are (be it here in Belgium).
I "didn't know what I was".

Now, when I look back (thus this applies only to me), I know that it's not that I "didn't know what I was". It's that I "didn't want to find out who I really was". Do I make sense?

I don't want to force you to be gay, I don't want to force you to come out, ...

I just don't want you to do as I did, and that's the following:
Stay depressed and pressured all through you college years, make the question "who am I" only bigger in your head, creating a vicious cycle, ... as to the point you can't pronounce the word "gay" and develop a kind of paranoia... until you can't hold it anymore, at 27.

Me personaly, I came out "at my own time", and it is what it is. But that doesn't prevent me from thinking, "my life could have been so much easier and nicer if I had came out, e.g. years earlier..."

In any case, you're doing a good job and being very brave by posting on this forum. Talking about it is very important.