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The article is from the website posted above. It is really quite interesting reading.
Ageless love
Gay and lesbian couples cite benefits and drawbacks of May-December romances
By RYAN LEE
Friday, February 10, 2006
IN THE ALMOST 30 VALENTINE’S Days that passed since Houstonians Earl Kile and Leon Dodson became a couple, one of the chief sources of contention in their relationship is the computer’s ever-expanding role in American life.
"He doesn’t catch on too quickly about the computer," Kile says of Dodson. "Some of our biggest arguments have been about that."
The couple’s disputes about the Internet and other tech-related issues are among the rare times when the 19-year age difference between Kile and Dodson becomes an issue in their relationship, they say.
It’s important for gay men and lesbians involved in May-December romances —-where there is at least a 10-year age difference between partners —-to recognize and talk about the strengths and weaknesses each partner brings to the relationship, says John Ballew, an Atlanta psychotherapist and licensed counselor who focuses on gay mental health issues.
"When there’s a difference in ages, there’s sometimes a difference in power, but it’s not all one-sided," Ballew says.
Just as a younger partner may have insecurities about not being as professionally established or wealthy as their mate, older partners may be intimidated by the opportunity and sexual esteem that accompanies youth, Ballew says.
Kile, 56, says he knows his technological superiority over Dodson, 75, doesn’t make him the more valuable partner in their relationship.
"He’s very competent in a lot of things that I am not," Kile says.
IN FACT, IT WAS DODSON’S competence that first attracted Kile to him. A mutual friend introduced the men 29 years ago, when Kile was in his mid-20s and Dodson was in his 40s.
"I didn’t have a lot of self-confidence at the time, and he was established, and had a business," Kile remembers. "He was everything I wasn’t, but needed in my life. He kind of brought me out."
From growing up in a small town, to attending an even smaller college, to enrolling in the Army, Kile says he didn’t explore his sexual orientation, and never really developed romantic connections with guys his age.
"I think I probably have always been drawn to older men," he says. "I think maybe the generation I grew up in was not very accepting of me, and I found I had more in common with older men."
In addition to helping Kile craft his identity as a gay man when he was younger, Dodson later patiently guided Kile through "a typical mid-life crisis" during his 40s, when he cashed in his savings to buy a new sports car.
Despite the guidance Dodson provided throughout their relationship, Kile says he was not searching for an easy leg-up, contrary to the preconceived notions some gay men and lesbians have about younger people who connect with older ones.
"All of our friends are generally supportive, but I think other people do have misconceptions about it —-I wasn’t looking for a father or anything like that," Kile says. "I think people have maybe mistaken that I depend on him too much for support, financially and otherwise.
Kile and Dodson now own a furniture finishing and antiques restoration business. Kile brings energy to the relationship, inspiring Dodson to run marathons and do other activities alongside him, according to the couple.
Most successful May-December romances involve "a complimentarity that involves the younger person bringing something to the relationship, and the older person bringing something different to the relationship," Ballew says.
Often, that manifests with the older partner representing stability, or even becoming a role model, and the younger partner brining a freshness or new energy to the relationship. Still, it’s especially hard for gay men to avoid the stereotypes of intergenerational unions, Ballew adds.
"The younger guys, sometimes there’s the assumption that he’s looking for a daddy or sugar-daddy, when most of the time that’s not the case," he says. "And older guys don’t want to be seen as a predator, or something undesirable like a ‘Chicken Hawk.’"
Gay men and lesbians may be more open to entering a May-December relationship than heterosexuals, despite the "age-stratified community" that exists, Ballew says.
But like heterosexual May-December liaisons, a difference in professional status among gay and lesbian couples can at times be problematic, he says.
"If one person is at the stage of life where they’re devoted to their career, and the other person is at a stage where they’re enjoying other parts of life, that could be an issue," Ballew says.
