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am i too bad?

kurtwild

kurtwild

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my boyfriend and me are fighting lately about his unemployment.

i dont have a job but im studying for the university.
my bf isnt in any university or anything,and he lives from his parents money too.
he doesnt care at all to find a job,he is not even trying.
i keep on telling him to get a job,but then we end up fighting.
i dont wanna be bad,i just wanna help him.

am i maybe to strict ?
should i do something different? :help: :help: :help:
 
Yeah, dump him now and find a motivated and interesting bf at university. I see this all the time. The university student outgrows the go-nowhere bf or gf. Maybe you busting up with him will be a wake-up call that he has to grow up and behave like an adult now.
 
but i like him,i cant dump him.
and i wanna help him,he is a really nice guy.just too lazy.
isnt there anything else i could do to make him understand he needs to get a job?
 
no there is not

he has to have that from within, you cannot change someone else
 
How "old" is the bf?
How rich is his parents?
Why are his parents supporting him?
Do you really want to be with an unmotivated bf?
How long have the two of you been together?
Do you want to support him when you are through University and are working?
 
my bf is 20 years old,he is gonna be 21 soon.
his parents dont have much money,but they cant let him starve.
we have been for 2 years together,and i like him,and if i can support him when i have a job,i will.
he is clever and i dont understand why he is always behaving like that when i talk to him bout getting a job.
he says he wants to find a job,but never tries really.
 
kurtwild said:
so i should just say nothing and watch him doing nothing?
Click to expand...

yep

nagging him isn't going to change him and it will all sound like nagging

he has to change - you cannot change someone else

for you the question is what can you live with - if you can live with him never working and living off of you and his parents, then, accept it and say nothing

if you cannot accept that, time to let him go

but take him or leave him as he is because he can only change when he wants to and to try and change him is not going to work and will end up adding misery to the relationship
 
i think i understand what you mean,but he says he wants to find a job,but then doesnt try hard enough.
thats why i push him,cos he says he wants to work.
 
Unfortunately he has to be the one that wants to change. You can do and say all that you like, but when it really comes down to it...if he has no urge to get a job or go to school and does not want to move out of his parents house...nothing is going to change!
I agree with some of the other above comments...it may be time to move on and find a new bf. I know it sucks to think about having to dump someone...but at the same time you can't let him drag you down...and it will eventually!!
Good luck in whatever you choose to do...and please keep us posted!!
 
kurtwild said:
but i like him,i cant dump him.
and i wanna help him,he is a really nice guy.just too lazy.
isnt there anything else i could do to make him understand he needs to get a job?
Click to expand...

Ok here's my two cents. The one that has to change is YOU, because you are pursuing a relationship with someone who does not share your values. Give him a deadline: tell him to show you he is actively looking for a job or is interested in doing something with his life or you are out of the relationship by such and such date. See what reaction you get. If he answers "go ahead, make my day", run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. If he says "ok, I will try" and does nothing about it, do the same. If he says "ok I will try" and you actually see results or a real effort on his part, then you know he values you and wants to see your relationship continue. Chances are, his attitude is due to his upbringing and he will be very difficult to change. Best of luck.
 
kurtwild said:
and if i can support him when i have a job,i will.
Click to expand...

This is where you're going to run into a whole world of trouble. If you really want to help him, DON'T support him. You think he's lazy now, wait until he's got somebody buying his way through life.
 
This is one of your typical: 'Either you put up or you shut up' situations.

He is smart. He has realized that there are people around him, who do not mind being milked by him, so that he can have a life without having to get up in the morning. So, he is now milking his parents for the necessary dough and you are the next one on his list.

If you agree to put up with it, for whatever reasons you may have, do so. It is your life and your money and you should be free to do as you find fit.

If you disagree, and if you do not want to be his next source of free living, start looking around for a better BF.

SC
 
Work ethic is an element of personality well formed by the time we reach adulthood, and is not going to be changed by a boyfriend's arguing.

Accept him as he is or leave him.

There are some things that can change for the better in a relationship. This is not one of them.
 
Since pushing him isn't working, don't you think you should try something else?
 
I absolutely agree with Silver; this kid is smart. He knows he can play his parents and his BF. Kurt, if you indulge him in this, you are enabling him to avoid responsibilty and potentially a lot of personal satisfaction he might gain by having a job and some independence. I'm beginning to sense from your responses that you actually may like the feeling that somehow you will control him...this would be a disaster. Even if he is the best lay in the world, you'll get tired of his antics soon enough when it is just you paying all the bills and doing all the housework while he talks about how he would like to help.

I get the sense as well that you are shopping for someone to tell you that you should martyr yourself to his cause. I think you should think about your own cause first. Given that you don't even live together, I don't even see the end of your relationship as being particularly difficult. I think both of you might benefit from a break from each other in order to mature a little.
 
rareboy said:
I absolutely agree with Silver; this kid is smart. He knows he can play his parents and his BF. Kurt, if you indulge him in this, you are enabling him to avoid responsibilty and potentially a lot of personal satisfaction he might gain by having a job and some independence. I'm beginning to sense from your responses that you actually may like the feeling that somehow you will control him...this would be a disaster. Even if he is the best lay in the world, you'll get tired of his antics soon enough when it is just you paying all the bills and doing all the housework while he talks about how he would like to help.

I get the sense as well that you are shopping for someone to tell you that you should martyr yourself to his cause. I think you should think about your own cause first. Given that you don't even live together, I don't even see the end of your relationship as being particularly difficult. I think both of you might benefit from a break from each other in order to mature a little.
Click to expand...


i dont wanna control him or anything,but we have gonne through many things together.
and when i have problems and stuff he is always there.
so you really mean there is nothing else i can do ?
 
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