American Idol 11

[Sgt Pepper]

Here's how the season plays out in my fantasy:

Hollie and Philip in the Bottom 2 next week. My heart starts racing because I know what this means and yes, the Hollinator takes out P. Douchey. I start crying tears of joy like they found a 9-11 survivor, and from then on I pledge my undying love (and text messages) to the Hollinator. J-Lo feigns outrage (to Razzie-worthy acclaim), Randy babbles on about P. Douchey being 500% a real artist cuz he still doesn't know how percentages work, and Steven is of course asleep.

The next week, the judges over-praise J-Led and J-Chez and pile on the Hollinator in an attempt to engineer the most diverse F2 ever, but it backfires as an unholy alliance of Anglophiles, Worsters, Me, Racists and Whoever the Fuck Has Been Voting For Hollie Thus Far is activated and on results night, J-Chez is declared a finalist first, so it's down to the two besties and "in a shocking elimination" -- because Ryan and most of the viewers haven't caught the snap on Hollie's juju yet -- J-Led is sent packing and the show gets its All Girl finale.

On final performance night, they both choose straight up 90's Disney songs -- or as these girls call them, "Old Timey Songs" -- and J-Chez outsings the Hollinator because 1) obviously 2) that Pocahontas song sounds more convincing coming out of J-Chez and 3) Hollie's accent sounds fucking weird on the calypso-tinged "Under the Sea."

But the Hollinator's powers have only increased with each victory, and she goes undefeated on finale night, thereby still screwing the producers over and we get this soundbite in the midst of a confetti shower:

Hollinator: "Ahm sew shocked tew be tha winnah?"

 

[slipintothefog]

Sorry I edited my comment and made your off-button remark seem...off.

I ain't even mad!

A Jessica/Hollie Disney Song Showdown would be extremely suited for them, also. They'd each get three songs, so Jessica would pick up "Reflection," "Colors of the Wind" and "Part of Your World" while Hollie would get stuck with whatever isn't deemed a Very Special, Meaningful Disney Ballad in the show's attempt to ensure Jessica's victory.

 

[Sgt Pepper]

Exactly. They'd saddle the Hollinator with "Under the Sea" (which requires a Caribbean accent), "Be Our Guest" (which requires a French accent), and "Poor Unfortunate Souls" (just to make it even more obvious that she's the villain).

Watching from home, J-Led would think about how he'd have done "Kiss the Girl" because he hasn't figured out he's gay yet, P-Squared would think about how he'd have done "Hakuna Matata" because that's the only song you could conceivably do a Dave Matthews version of, and Skylar would think about how she'd have done everything the genie sang in Aladdin, because that's the only Disney character who seemed like a spastic on crack.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

Your prediction is spot on, Sgt. Pepper, with one exception - Steven would be spouting out a paragraph of barely coherent non-sequitors, while fantasizing about the 16 year old old blonde chick sitting in seat K-8.

 

[slipintothefog]

I would actually vote for Hollie if she did Poor Unfortunate Souls. I fucking love Ursula.

Actually, scratch "Part of Your World" for "Circle of Life" on Jessica's setlist. Then I and the rest of VFTW could gag over how Jennifer "Boomie" Hudson did it a million times better as we power vote for Hollie.

 

[Sgt Pepper]

Your prediction is spot on, Sgt. Pepper, with one exception - Steven would be spouting out a paragraph of barely coherent non-sequitors, while fantasizing about the 16 year old old blonde chick sitting in seat K-8.

This is so (grossly) true. Didn't he make some inappropriate joke the other night about how the only thing better than experience is a sixteen year old? Ugh. I would respect J-Lo so much more if she just kicked him in the balls one of these days.

 

[Sgt Pepper]

I would actually vote for Hollie if she did Poor Unfortunate Souls. I fucking love Ursula.

Seriously why weren't you my friend as a kid?

Ursula is my favorite Disney villain of all time and her song is the best villain song because she's basically deconstructing uneven gender politics in the lyrics. "It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man?" Brilliant!

Of course Hollie would fuck it up and do the Jonas Brothers version (don't you-tube it if you've never seen it. You won't be able to un-ring that sexless bell).

Also, "Part of That World" is one of my favorite Disney songs of all time, and much better than most of the other inspirational Reflections/Go the Distance/Circle of Life shlock. Speaking of which:



Have I sufficiently made my case for him to appear/perform on every results show yet?

 

[Dariusb]

I want a Jess/Josh finale with Jess winning. I hardly ever get my way with this show though.

 

[sammyyummy]

for a 16 y/o, jessica is incredibly talented and poised. she got my vote.

paraphrasing a joke, after the whole world is nuked, only three remain, cockroaches, cher (still wrinkle free) and hollie.

 

[Sgt Pepper]

for a 16 y/o, jessica is incredibly talented and poised. she got my vote.

Bless you. I like her too, even though she really doesn't show much personality. She's BY FAR the best vocalist of this season, and she just seems like the kind of sweet girl I would've been friends with in high school. You know, partly cuz she'd never outshine me.

Although I have to say I think Hollie is the fag hag of the group, given her closeness to Joshua.

 

[sammyyummy]

Bless you. I like her too, even though she really doesn't show much personality. She's BY FAR the best vocalist of this season, and she just seems like the kind of sweet girl I would've been friends with in high school. You know, partly cuz she'd never outshine me.

Although I have to say I think Hollie is the fag hag of the group, given her closeness to Joshua.

Right on. Lol. Luv it when PP went all huggy the other night and tried to hug joshua who seemed uncomfortable (being real) in front of the camera while seacrest luved every moment getting PP's arm around him.

Anyway, did yall see JLO's im pissed off reaction when Skylar was eliminated instead of Hollie (yet again)? Well more disgusted lip curling moment than p/o i think

 

[Sgt Pepper]

Anyway, did yall see JLO's im pissed off reaction when Skylar was eliminated instead of Hollie (yet again)? Well more disgusted lip curling moment than p/o i think

J Lo is such a terrible actress, I never know what "emotion" she's trying to project on Idol.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

Right on. Lol. Luv it when PP went all huggy the other night and tried to hug joshua who seemed uncomfortable (being real) in front of the camera while seacrest luved every moment getting PP's arm around him.

Anyway, did yall see JLO's im pissed off reaction when Skylar was eliminated instead of Hollie (yet again)? Well more disgusted lip curling moment than p/o i think

Joshua is trying too hard to play it straight. I guess he was worried that he'd pop a boner on live TV. $100 says he rushed back to his hotel room and beat off while imagining himself in a Ryan and Phillip sandwich...then imagining himself with Ryan Phillipe and a sandwich.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

J Lo is such a terrible actress, I never know what "emotion" she's trying to project on Idol.

It was either "Le Tigre" or "Blue Steel". She hasn't mastered "Ferrari" or "Magnum" yet.

 

[socalguy]

Are some of trying to imply something about Jousha? JUST SPIT IT OUT! We all have gaydar. Maybe he is a germ-a-phobe or something?

 

[Sgt Pepper]

She hasn't mastered "Ferrari"

Yeah, she's barely mastered "Fiat."

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

Are some of trying to imply something about Jousha? JUST SPIT IT OUT! We all have gaydar. Maybe he is a germ-a-phobe or something?

Joshua is so gay, the smell of cock on his breath comes through the TV.

Nothing implied there! 8^)

 

[sammyyummy]

Joshua Ledet is all man as Jacob Lusk.
Speaking of which, check this video out: (especially at the 35 sec mark where Casey impersonates Jacob)

 

[Sgt Pepper]

That video just makes me miss Haley even more.

 

[Tadaa]