An Unwanted Bromance (sorry, long post)

[tmb1]

Well Todd, get over yourself. I'm not blaming you for my problems and I don't see where I said that or even hinted at such a thing.If I don't take your advice than I shouldn't have kids? WTF? Who said anything about kids?

You Wrote:

"If you found that harsh and "wrong" advice" please don't have kids, cuz this is what you should tell them in any life situation where honesty and conversation are needed."

Um, I disagree Todd. As I said (if you bothered to read) if I took your "heartfelt" advice the situation would be a mess by now. I am all for honesty and my GF and I have a strong relationship because of it. However, I refuse to subscribe to your thinking that if I find your advice wrong or harsh that I should not have children. I stated this post because it was not as simple as you like to paint it. There were many factors to be considered however, as I have stated before if things got dicey and he misbehaved to the point where I could not ignore it, I would have not hesitated for a minute.

You Wrote:

"And don't take that as bitchy, it is heartfelt. Do you think you are perfect? Do you think you have acted totally right in your situation. If no, then quit blaming me and focus on yourself."

I have said twice today already that in hindsight I would have done it a little different. Again, PLEASE try and pay attention. Your too busy hearing yourself only and your missing out on the details and your coming across as just an arrogant angry poster who has nothing to bring to the conversation but her bitchy diva commentary. Your saying I blamed you for something. Not true. Must be the voices in your head because I'm not blaming anyone for anything.

Heartfelt? PUH-LEASE! Um, girlfriend you know as well as I it wasn't heartfelt. You said I was getting off on all the attention. Anyone who has read the post and are aware of my concerns knows that is not true. Heartfelt? LOL! Yeah, right!

Well Todd, I'm not going to talk politics with you because your the type who doesn't talk politics. If anyone is against Obama we know what you think of them. God forbid anyone like Hillary or McCaine. What would you say? What tall tales would you manufacture? You'll bully us all into falling for your candidate or else. Go play that game in the politics forum. I won't take the bait.

Right, so are we done for now? How do we wrap this up? After all that I say something like " No hard feelings man. We should just all try to be good people to each other."

Is that it? Did I get it right? Is that how it's played? I'm trying by your rules so if I am rusty, you'll have to forgive me.

Peace -Romantico-

Wow, you seriously have more problems than I would have imagined at the beginning of this thread. YOU turned this into drama when you didn't like heariing some tough love. Maybe you should be more gracious that anyone even took interest in your life let alone tried to help you. You think I give advice to make myself look better? Puhlease! Dude, you have communication issues, its apparent. Don't blame someone for pointing that out to you. Okay, I get it. You have this all under control and don't want to change in how you handled it either. That will make it easier for me, one last "poor me, what do I do" thread poster for me to read and give heartfelt advice if I feel I can. Consider yourself ignored now.

 

[Romantico]

Only with you Toddy!

 

[rareboy]

This is really only about having the last word, isn't it?

 

[Romantico]

Its about false sincerity.

 

[KaraBulut]

This is really only about having the last word, isn't it?

Its about false sincerity.

 

[EvilForce]

Thanks ejbonk! I can't help be understanding because this guy was me about 7 years ago. I was confused and played this game with a few guys I liked as well. He's about 2 years older than me and in my opinion, you should sort of know who and what you are by then. I really didn't have anyone to turn to and had to figure it out myself. If this guy is confused and needs a friend, I'm right here. Just talk to me. Hell, if he is comfortable enough to ask me some of the personal questions he has asked, then opening up about his sexuality should be a piece of cake. I just don't want him to cross that line or worse, become violent if he feels rejected.

You've now mentioned at least 3 if not 4 times how "he should just be honest and open with you", etc, etc but you've not been honest with him, nor forthright. And then you expect him to be in some life place because he's 2 years older than you. I'm sorry but if you can't be honest, and open with him how can you sit here and judge him for the very same thing? You have posted it makes you uncomfortable that he is looking at you and feel a little taken advantage of. But you also admit that you don't want to talk to him for fear he'll stop coming over and doing the work so cheaply. So you are using him, but offended he may be using you?

How difficult is it to sit someone down to explain what a great person they are, how good looking they are, but that a relationship or sex is simply out of the question. It seems like you like the attention, but like to complain about the attention even more.

I don't get it. Sorry. *And yes I read the entire thread.*

 

[Lalada]

Oh damn, you guys are catty!

If I read this a few days ago, when my input might still have been relevant, I would have suggested when he made an advance towards you again, like the "bi, huh?" comments, then say something back to psyche him out. Confront indirectly, knock him off his step so YOU don't have to feel like the one being victimized here. Level the playing field but don't turn it into a predator/prey thing, like he seems to think he can get away with.

Maybe because he wears briefs so much, he wanted a pair of boxers, saw what he thought a pair you would notice gone, and took his chance. Of course leaving it in plain view is kinda weird..


Either way your in a pretty awkward situation, no matter how upfront and confrontational you could be, but I think you handled it quite well, you kept a level head, didn't overreact. But now things are clear to you, that haze of "wtf?" is gone and you're taking the high road.

Kudos, or some stuff.

 

[Romantico]

Apparently you don't get it or my situation. Maybe I have done a poor job communicating, but you are just wrong. I thank you for your interest and post but your approach and outlook is just wrong.

My girlfriend and I have discussed with some friends and everyone has said we have handled it very well. Keep in mind, I have known this guy a month now. I usually really have to get to know someone before I open up. Not the case with this guy. I was really surprised by how forward this guy was with everything. Since my first post a lot has happened. For example I can see this is part of his nature. You claim I have not been honest. Not true.I have decided not to jump into a situation where I would embarass the guy and make him uncomfortable but I have also been clear if a line was crossed and unavoidable, I would with out pause. So let me clear you up on that matter. I try to avoid confrontation at all times, but sometimes it can not be avoided. In this situation, I tried to avoid it. I feel if I exhaust all avenues of approach then a more direct approach will have to be taken. So far, I am pleased and proud that I have not had to do so and by the way things are looking I probably won't.

As for using him? I said early on I felt some guilt because at first I felt I was tolerating his poor conduct in order to get him to do work for me. If that was the only issue at stake he would have been gone. The fact that he is my girlfriend friend' boyfriend made the situation more complicated, which people seem to be overlooking. Explain to me, how am I using him? I am paying him a price he set and not me. He has said to me the extra cash has been very helpful just the other day. So, if I am getting something out of it and he is explain to me the using part? Like I said, at first it seemed like that but SO MUCH has changed since my first post I really wonder if anyone has followed up and are responding to just the first post.

This is unwanted attention and sitting down with someone as you suggest and telling them I don't want a relationship or sex with them would make this entire situation a huge soap opera. He is very flirty and in my opinion and my girlfriend's and others, I think he is reaching out. Why would I embarass some one and bombard them if they are not ready to tell me? It's like outing an obvious gay person just for fun because you know they are gay. It is something he needs to come to me with. If he crosses a line where I can not ignore things then of course the story and situation will change.

Like I mentioned, so much has happened since my first post. We have had some talks and some things have occurred that I have not posted just because of time and fear of making the post more complicated. Lalada, your post is relevant and thank you for it. Anyone who takes the time to read and post is doing me a favor. I just wish they would not dismiss this as a cut and dry black and white situation. Its not. Its pretty insulting to suggest I brought this on or have some how used him. If there was no direct relationship to someone I already knew, there would have been no post about this. I have a GF and really don't want another person seeing me that way, so comments as such are just a slap in the face in my opinion.

 

[rareboy]

Well, we're all just glad you got this off your chest and feel better about everything now.

 

[EvilForce]

Apparently you don't get it or my situation. Maybe I have done a poor job communicating, but you are just wrong. I thank you for your interest and post but your approach and outlook is just wrong.

I offered my opinion. There are two sides to every story, and I'm commenting directly on your actions, and offering you my opinion based on your actions.

My girlfriend and I have discussed with some friends and everyone has said we have handled it very well.

Given your reaction to anyone that disagrees with you I guess I can't blame them from just nodding their head and saying, "you go gurl".

. Since my first post a lot has happened. For example I can see this is part of his nature.

So, your original concerns were somewhat unfounded. If it's his nature his behavior was in line with how he acts towards other males then correct? It just isn't towards you?

I have also been clear if a line was crossed and unavoidable, I would with out pause. So let me clear you up on that matter.

But you've posted a number of times how you have "changed the subject", "looked annoyed", "gave a sharp answer" and still complains "he doesn't get it". So, your approach IS NOT CLEAR AT ALL. At least to him. Maybe it's your communication that isn't getting thru, maybe it's him not listening, but I'm willing to bet it's a bit of both.

I try to avoid confrontation at all times, but sometimes it can not be avoided. In this situation, I tried to avoid it. I feel if I exhaust all avenues of approach then a more direct approach will have to be taken.

Yet look where this approach has gotten you. I think it's passive / aggressive and fundamentally unhealthy. Talking to someone when you don't agree with them, isn't "confrontation". It's communication.

So, if I am getting something out of it and he is explain to me the using part?

I assume you wouldn't put up with this behavior from a hired contractor from the Yellow Pages? So why else would you put up with this behavior you don't like? Given your explanation it's more because he is a friend of a friend, and therefore you are allowing him more latitude, correct?

I really wonder if anyone has followed up and are responding to just the first post.

Stop it. As I've said I've read the whole thread. Just because you don't agree with what I'm saying it's insulting to keep saying that you think people haven't read what you've written. Have you stopped for even a moment to consider that you might just be wrong in how you've handled this situation? I read your posts, and it seemed you were looking for feedback. If you just wanted "atta boys" you should have put that in your opening post or if it was just a rant.

This is unwanted attention and sitting down with someone as you suggest and telling them I don't want a relationship or sex with them would make this entire situation a huge soap opera.

Yet posting for hours on the internet, talking to your girlfriend for hours, and talking to your friends and her friends, is somehow "not a soap opera"? Besides now that 1/4 of the city know the issue, do you really think that this talking behind his back isn't going to get back to him?

I just wish they would not dismiss this as a cut and dry black and white situation. Its not.

Yet as your opening line to me in your reply was "no you are wrong". Who's looking at black and white? Who called him a "closet case"? Who said, "I feel sorry for his g/f"? You did. Because this guy didn't interact with you in the manner you want or are accustomed to you have called him these things, and wanted input on how "he was wrong" to be doing these things.

Its pretty insulting to suggest I brought this on or have some how used him.

No you have not brought this on. You have facilitated the behavior however.

I have a GF and really don't want another person seeing me that way,

Sorry dude, but you cannot control how others view you. You can only control what you put out there. I think the guy has a crush on you. You can choose to deal with it however you want. Your "messages" you've claimed are very clear, are not. At least to him. You cannot control how he feels. You can only control how you act. So if you just wanted to complain about how someone else is acting, then fine. If you want to learn something about yourself and grow, set outside your comfort zone. You expect him to change his behavior, without ever considering changing yours. How fair is that?

Had you taken the time to communicate openly with him weeks ago, you would have saved a lot of time and grief, and more than likely learned quite a bit about him, and he learned about you. Do you think he wants to make you uncomfortable if he has a crush on you? I doubt it. He's just not understanding how his comments are affecting you. This entire problem is a failure to communicate. Pure and simple. Agree with me, disagree with me, I don't care. But consider what I said and take your own advice about black and white thinking. Consider there are things you can take from my assessment of the situation.

 

[ejbonk]

OMG!!! Just get over yourselves. Romantico and His GF have the situation Under Control Now.

They read all of Our Advise and Took the Course of Action that,They thought would work Best for Them.

You may not agree with it,But Tough Cookies. It's Their Life,Not Ours and They can and Do Chose how They want to live it.

Live and Let Live. IT is Time to Peace Out Dudes.


This is getting Totally out of Hand.

 

[EvilForce]

OMG!!! Just get over yourselves. Romantico and His GF have the situation Under Control Now.

They read all of Our Advise and Took the Course of Action that,They thought would work Best for Them.

You may not agree with it,But Tough Cookies. It's Their Life,Not Ours and They can and Do Chose how They want to live it.

Live and Let Live. IT is Time to Peace Out Dudes.


This is getting Totally out of Hand.

Tough cookies, deal with it.

And what's up with the miasma of upper case / lower case use? Are you typing from a mobile phone or something?

 

[Romantico]

Thank you Rareboy! Your commentary is always useful and appreicated. Your are a true asset to JUB! Thanks again!

Evilforce, my post was not a dig. Just a difference of opinion. I think you are wrong. I do appreciate your advice and like I said, anyone who takes the time to read and post deserves a thank you on my part. (even Todd)

Plenty here have disagreed with me and thats cool. Nodding their head and saying, "you go gurl?" What proof do you have in that? No, this is coming from people who are seeing the situation and know the guy I am referring to. What your failing to recognize is that things at first are not the same. When I first posted I didn't know this guy. The situation really surprised me more than anything else. Since then, things have changed. I have had the chance to get to know the guy and he has had the chance to get to know me. More information has surfaced than before. The only thing I may be guilty of as you claim is my communication in telling the story here on JUB. As for him and I and communication, you are flat out 100% wrong. (not trying to pick a fight, but telling you you are just incorrect on that)

Everyone is different. Of course, if a random contractor was hired and behaved this way I would have dealt with it in minutes. Thats not the case here yet you keep repeating it. Hey, If you would have handled the situation different, then fine. When I posted I was looking for answers and opinions in fear I may have been over reading things. Another person's perspective is often helpful. Once I realized I was not wrong in the flirting, it came down to what do I do now? Everyone handles a crisis or a simple situation different. Just because I didn't handle it the way YOU would have does not mean I was wrong.I have seen the end results and feel everyone was spared from uncomfortable situations and we are all closer and better friends for it.

I do want feedback but you obviously mis read my post as me being a jerk with you. I think you were wrong but thanked you for your time and advice. Now your making it personal. If you did read the entire post(s) then why are you asking questions and making comments that have already been explained?

LOL! Talking around the city? I have gone out of my way not to draw attention and turn this into a drama. I'll say it again, you are wrong and you seem to not like to be told you are wrong. Maybe I was wrong for not posting every little detail but still, some of your observations are not correct. I do feel sorry for his GF and I don't think I know he is a closet case. As a matter of fact since then some things have surfaced since and I know this is the case. He didn't interact with me in a manner I am use to and I have said I would have approached this different if I were to do it all over again.

I do not and am not trying to control how others view me. Thats silly. Your are correct, the guy does have a crush on me and I am flattered by it and was confused on how to handle it. I'm not complaining. Him and I and my GF have spent time together and some things have been discussed. I just no longer feel like posting updates here because I doubt it will do any good. I have learned from this, thank you very much. I'm lucky to have friends and a great GF who has advised and helped me along the way. So, please with all do respect don't judge me as if you have been in on all of this since day one.

LOL! I have not suffered any grief from this. Thanks for you concern though. Looking back on it I feel I would do somethings different but all in all I'm proud of the overall outcome. He has confided in me and we HAVE communicated. If you only knew what we have discussed and where we are and what has been accomplished since my first post I think you would understand. No failure here, not by a long shot. I saw no need to out someone or make them uncomfortable. Thats not my style. I also believe in communication. It has helped me and my GF and my friends as well. The outcome has been positive.


I think you mis read my response and saw the "I think you are wrong" in the post and just put up your defenses. I will say to you what I said before. I thank you for taking the time to read and post. I feel some of your advice was helpful but you made a lot of premature assumptions based on what you think and not what you know. I think you meant well and appreciate your concern. I won't comment anymore on the results and progress. Just that things are going well, my GF and I have made a new friend and things you claim I have failed to communicate on are no longer true. Thanks again!

 

[ejbonk]

Tough cookies, deal with it.

And what's up with the miasma of upper case / lower case use? Are you typing from a mobile phone or something?

Is this an English Class,or Did I miss that Posting? Please get over Yourself already.

 

[EvilForce]

Fair enough Romantico.

Now...since you said this guy was hot, I think this thread would be 5 times better if we could get some pictures of said hottie.

 

[Romantico]

LOL! A page or two back I thought he was actually posting here. I am planning on doing up my gallery real soon and I will get some pictures of him and post if he is cool with that, and I think he would be.

 

[tommyj]

We wanna see pics of you!!

 

[Lalada]

You go gurl!


Anyways, and sorry but doesn't anyone else get the feeling because straight guys know some other guys are gay or bi, they turn into some kind of shark?

First of all, that's the wrong attittude for anyone, turning it into a kind of predator/prey thing, if people want an honest relationship or just honest relations. Secondly, most guys SUCK at it, making it no fun. And lastly, and most importantly, people don't realize we're not like that. It's only a small segment that actually fall for that kind of crap.

Anyone following? I only mention this here because I get a hint of it from that guy whose got the piqued curiousity over Romantico.

 

[EvilForce]

You go gurl!


Anyways, and sorry but doesn't anyone else get the feeling because straight guys know some other guys are gay or bi, they turn into some kind of shark?

First of all, that's the wrong attittude for anyone, turning it into a kind of predator/prey thing, if people want an honest relationship or just honest relations. Secondly, most guys SUCK at it, making it no fun. And lastly, and most importantly, people don't realize we're not like that. It's only a small segment that actually fall for that kind of crap.

Anyone following? I only mention this here because I get a hint of it from that guy whose got the piqued curiousity over Romantico.

Str8 men fall for the "porn ideal" of sex. The pizza delivery dude shows up and blows you. Football jock comes out of the shower and is hard and ready to go. etc...

Str8 men are used to be in the "pursuer". They don't realize that when you are gay you may be both pursing and receiving. Str8 men are taught via social cues that they should take sex at every opportunity, simply because they aren't going to get it very often. Being gay, we obviously have a lot more sex than str8 men. So we choose who we have sex with. If any of us really wanted we could get laid in 2 hours, regardless of where we are, size, age, weight, etc. Str8 men don't realize that when you CAN have sex with anyone, doesn't mean you WANT to have sex with "everyone". Finding quality people to sleep with is just as difficult as it is for str8 people. The only advantage being is more sexual acceptance within the gay community.

So, we have to teach them. At least they are becoming willing to learn rather than just bashers. It's not ideal, but it is, what it is, ya know?

 

[qget12]

I don't know about anyone else but I've found this thread useful. It's interesting to me to hear how he acts etc because I have this problem with many of my "straight" friends.

So, I wouldn't be put off by anyone bashing you, Romatico. I, for one, am looking forward to any more developments