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Becoming a recluse.

Duh.........what was I thinking? If you are an adherent of Tom Cruise's philosophy, everything will be fine if you just get into Scientology and get audited until your thetan levels are perfect....and you'll meet tons of gay guys there too.
 
rareboy said:
Uh...I think you'd have to have a complete change of attitude to 'put in the work' as it were?
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I wouldn't.

I think if you wait for the complete change of attitude you could wait forever. Get to work figuring out how to get from where you are to where you want to be, dig into it and, as you progress, your attitude will improve.

My biggest problem is always how slow progress takes, especially at first. You just have to keep at it.
 
Blackbird, as so many others have said, you are not alone in this situation. I have gone in reverse though. I used to be very outgoing, had no problem in social settings whether I was with others or on my own. I was in a 10 year relationship that ended in 1998. Since that time I started off with the gay version of dating (you know, coffee or a drink and then off to either place for sex). Those situations soon became very old and unfulfilling and left me feeling more lonely than before. As of this past October I have not been on a date or had sex for three years. I had some issues with myself that I needed to work on and am at the point that I do like myself and and trying to consistently work on myself. I was getting to the point that I was ready to go out and try to meet someone, this time on my terms, but one year ago I was diagnosed with lung cancer (as many in here have followed). This has now taken me into a new direction and changed my focus and my expectations. Given my medical issues and the uncertainty of the future I have decided that I am not really in the state of mind to date (I did try but after a few dates I told the guy my situation and never heard back from him.....oh well). I don't consider myself to be all that marketable due to the cancer. I will be honest that I do desire to be in a relationship, someone to share my life with, whether that be for a year or for 40 years. There is a great deal that I miss in regards to a relationship. We each have to pick our battles and decide which one we need and want to fight first.

Blackbird, start off putting yourself into social settings that are non threatening and non sexual. Check and see if you have a local bookstore that has events planned for readings, or musical performances. Take yourself out to a local theater and see a play. Eventually you will be able to get yourself into other settings in which you will begin to refine your social skills. Just remember, no matter how you look on the outside, it is how you feel on the inside that is most important.

STeve
 
Thanks for this thread Blackbird.

I have similar issues on being "mature", a virgin & self esteem issues about my body.

I want a bud so bad Im nearly killing myself w/weight training/walking/cycling & balancing a proper diet. It will be worth it in the end...[my rear "end" hopefully]


Keep in touch , if you have any advice or success, pm me!
 
blackbird12 said:
I'm still skeptical that therapy will be all that helpful now either. I'm not depressed. I'm not even really sad or cry or anything. I'm just bored with my life and who I am. Therapy isnt going to make me interested in myself, or make others find me interesting. I dont need therapy as much as I need to get a life.
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Therapy doesn't have to be just about depression, succide, schizophrenia, or other problems *mimics the psycho music.*

It could also be about finding more effective outlets. It could be about life planning, and figuring out good goals, and then how to take the right path/steps to achieve those goals.
 
Being reclusive is not an altogether bad thing. I am, and have been most of my adult life. I've been out of the closet for 3 years. I tried to find someone that would be interested in me at first. I dieted and went from 190 to 139. I got to where I could do 400 situps a day and 6 hours a day on the bike. I was starving myself trying to reach 135 pounds. I ended up eating 1 meal a day. No one even looked at me. I'm now a comfortable 160. I gave myself to the age of 40 to find my Mr. Right. Well, I turned 40 last month, but that's OK because I gave up at 39. I hid in my shell in my 20's, and in my 30's. Now here I am at 40, and I give up.

I had an epiphany. I had it a couple of weeks ago, actually. See, not everyone gets a relationship. Many do, eventually, but many more don't. Ever. If everyone got a Mr. Right, then relationships would be mundane, everydayish, commonplace. Relationships are special because not everyone gets one, you see? If a few gay men end up being 64 and alone save a dozen cats, then the rest can see that their lives, and that special man in their lives, are worth the living, and the living for.

I suppose that I'll be one of those that daydream of Brad Pitt while feeding my cats. I can live with that. As long as I don't live terribly long with it.
 
Wow, so many variations on the theme. Thanks for your postings guys. It really helps hearing your own stories. Its easy to focus on the bad stuff. But things certainly could be worse. I'm in good health, have a good job and a comfortable life. There's still hope for me. I haven't' thrown in the towel yet.

I'm just gonna have to sack up and get out there....eventually.
 
snoopydog said:
Being reclusive is not an altogether bad thing. I am, and have been most of my adult life. I've been out of the closet for 3 years. I tried to find someone that would be interested in me at first. I dieted and went from 190 to 139. I got to where I could do 400 situps a day and 6 hours a day on the bike. I was starving myself trying to reach 135 pounds. I ended up eating 1 meal a day. No one even looked at me. I'm now a comfortable 160. I gave myself to the age of 40 to find my Mr. Right. Well, I turned 40 last month, but that's OK because I gave up at 39. I hid in my shell in my 20's, and in my 30's. Now here I am at 40, and I give up.

I had an epiphany. I had it a couple of weeks ago, actually. See, not everyone gets a relationship. Many do, eventually, but many more don't. Ever. If everyone got a Mr. Right, then relationships would be mundane, everydayish, commonplace. Relationships are special because not everyone gets one, you see? If a few gay men end up being 64 and alone save a dozen cats, then the rest can see that their lives, and that special man in their lives, are worth the living, and the living for.

I suppose that I'll be one of those that daydream of Brad Pitt while feeding my cats. I can live with that. As long as I don't live terribly long with it.
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You've only been out of the closet for 3 years. There are guys around here in their 20's who have been out longer than that and are still single. I doubt they're giving up.

Are you giving up because of your age? 40? There are other guys around here who came out after 40 and have found relationships. Why would you want to give up so soon?

It sounds like it is your social anxiety that is getting in the way so might I suggest that you focus your efforts on dealing with that over the next few years. That's the issue stopping you so decide not to let it win. Get some help and attack it. You are a young guy. You have your whole life ahead of you.
 
Riverrick said:
You've only been out of the closet for 3 years. There are guys around here in their 20's who have been out longer than that and are still single. I doubt they're giving up.

Are you giving up because of your age? 40? There are other guys around here who came out after 40 and have found relationships. Why would you want to give up so soon?

It sounds like it is your social anxiety that is getting in the way so might I suggest that you focus your efforts on dealing with that over the next few years. That's the issue stopping you so decide not to let it win. Get some help and attack it. You are a young guy. You have your whole life ahead of you.
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Yeah, what Riverrick said.

I came out at 43 and found a wonderful boyfriend within 6 months.

Lots of gay guys said if you're over 40 you're out of luck. But I just ignored them and here I am.

If we break up--who knows, it might take 5 years to find another special guy. So what? I'm not gonna stop because it's harder than if I were 18.

If you give up, you die. That's not for me, thanks.
 
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