"becoming gay" or realizing youre gay later in life

[nijnij]

When I was 19 I had a boyfriend a few years older than me. He got raped when he was 17 or so and he always said this is what made him like sex with men (though he also like it with women). I always ask him "Dont you think you were bi/gay already?" and he always replied "no, I was only into girls before that stuff happened to me."

I also knew a man who was in his 40s before he realized he was gay. He was married and has four kids and he comes from a pretty open family (his parents are both Universalist ministers and he has a gay step-sister) but he never realized he liked sex with men until in his 40s after his divorce. I ask him also "Did you ever suspect it or think about it at all?" and his response is "not really, no."

I am still intrigued by this because every once in a while you hear about a guy who has an experience with another guy (whether rape or not) and then sticks to guys from then on or who "finds out" later in life whereas most of us know by at 15-16 (or age 1, haha).

It is not that they're claiming "I'm straight even though I fuck men," just that "I never thought about or liked guys until XYZ."

thoughts/experience?

 

[bulge]

It 's the thing intriguating me the most. Mostly guys who are in keeping with the societal stereotypes of being "gay" (including perfectly "str8" guys who are in keeping with the stereotypes - besides "gay" anti-discrimination laws protect more "str8" guys than "gay" guys) are "out", but the others are NOT "out" AT ALL as they are not in keeping with it, and don't consider themselves as gay as they are not in keeping with the societal stereotypes and will never whatsoever see themselves as "gay" as they are not in keeping with societal stereotypes. Guys get totally misled about themselves and others from very young. The non-promotion or purposely totally wrong promotion of male-to-male from very young is a societal danger.

 

[JOHN B]

I feel that people who "realize" it later in life, are/were just in denial. Either that or they didn't have a real definition of their own sexuality. By that, I mean they probably knew they had an attraction to the same sex, but probably that it was "normal" to have a slight interest in the same sex and did not do any real soul searching about it.
I cannot picture someone just waking up one day and saying "oh, I'm a straight guy who just realized I like guys!". Sexuality it determined at a very young age. You can't just turn it on and off like a switch.

 

[nijnij]

Maybe YOU cant but that's just you. You have to look at the bigger picture.

For example, I never had sex with a female until I was 29 years old. I simply never had the desire to. Then I met a woman through a friend who pursued me and it turns out that there were certain sexual things that I liked with her, but not all of them. Am I bisexual then? I don't know if I feel comfortable saying I'm bisexual when I've only been with one woman many times over the course of 2 years and we never did "normal" straight sex. I feel more comfortable saying I'm gay because for the most part that is true.

It could easily be reversed if a straight man had a sexual relationship with another man (for example, blow jobs only) and before and after this time period was/is interested in only women. He's still straight because he's attracted to primarily (or only) women, in the same way that even though I've had sex with a woman I am still gay. I think it happens more often than people like you would think.

 

[sm8591]

Gay, bi or hetero is very close. As schoolboy I got involved with my classmates and other boys. When I got 18 I was sure I was gay as I never got up with girls, until that happened and I concluded I was bi. My first years of sexual activity I though only male bodies could please me. I think that accidental circumstances play a major role and can explain why some 'think' they are straight or not.

 

[texan_slant]

I am sure that many-a-time, unless certain parts of sexuality are tapped, men don't realize they have it in them.

I am also convinced that we're so programmed by the "right/wrong" labels of society that there are those who utterly and completely convinced that they are straight when in fact they aren't - and don't know any better.

One might get an inkling of attraction towards other men, and don't mentally react to it.

 

[Spiff]

I don't think that sexuality is determined the same way with everyone. For some it might be nature. For others it might have been nurtured. Then I suppose there are those where it could simply be a preference. Was I born to prefer chocolate ice cream over vanilla? I don't think so.

Basically I'm saying that it's impossible to generalize. Human nature and psychology are complicated things. Different things can happen to different people for different reasons. Isn't that what makes us human?

 

[MidnightKat]

From an anthropological stance, sexuality in people is variant and shifts throughout one's lifespan.

 

[Nomenclature]

There's a lesbian bar around here that's full of women in their 30s, 40s and 50s who have ex-husbands, children etc but have now decided to start living as gay. A lot of straight people - including my family - believe that people like this just suddenly choose to be gay out of nowhere, and that they're insane for doing so.


Personally, I know a little better than that; I think it's like the whole Neil Patrick Harris thing. . .where he grew up having sex with girls and trying to date them, but never really understood why he felt so awkward about it. Then one day, he was seduced by a guy and suddenly realized that it felt natural to him and - after years of of struggling - finally accepted his identity as a gay man and came out.


I don't know if this counts, but when I first started going through puberty I was talking to and thinking about girls. . .and then one day I had my first gay thought, and it felt a lot more natural to me; it was hotter and less forced than what I had felt for girls at the time. I finally accepted that I was gay when I was 18.

 

[motodude87]

I realized my gay nature late in life too. I had feelings when I was younger but either didn't understand what they meant, their origins, or was just scared. In relationships with girls they always had to make the first moves with everything. My only experience with gay guys was being around flamboyant flaming guys and they just really scared me and made me uncomfortable. I didn't know why, they just did. I got married. When porn became accessible, I started with straight, but went right to guys within 30 seconds if not less. I spent years of looking at gay porn while in the relationship telling myself that it was just fantasy and that wacking off to gay porn doesn't make you gay, but in the back of my mind I knew it was more. I loved my wife and got a lot out of the relationship but the gay stuff was always there.

 

[Lube]

Was I born to prefer chocolate ice cream over vanilla? I don't think so.

From an anthropological stance, sexuality in people is variant and shifts throughout one's lifespan.

Well, from a biological perspective, indeed there is a genetic component to taste:

http://www.ajcn.org/cgi/content/full/86/1/55

It seems highly unlikely that someone's sexuality just changes one day. Funny thing, that--it almost always seems to change towards being gay rather than toward being straight.

You think societal pressure could have something to do with that?

 

[thewiz]

I knew I was gay when I was 12. I had my first sex with my brother-in-law's nephew; he was 14 and I was 12. Over the years we went from masturbation to oral and eventually I let him top me -- it was awful is all I'll say! lol! If you saw the movie "Brokeback Mountain" -- that was us.

I was going into police and ultimately city management; he was going into corrections and we were both in Michigan which is not the most enlightened place to begin with. We both decided we were "straight." I was 20 and he was 22. We both got married and both had two kids.

But all the while I so wanted a man. I went to various churches and "healing" events to be cured of my homosexuality. But I always longed to be with a man. The good thing was that when my wife asked me if I was gawking at women on the beach, I could honestly say "no." I was looking at their boyfriends! lol!

I finally got to a point of total depression (my first love also died suddenly from a heart valve issue aggravated by cancer treatment -- right after we had talked about meeting). I went to Chicago to see if I was gay. I never felt so complete -- being around guys like me (and yes I had LOTS of sex).

I went back to Michigan and was going to tell my wife I was leaving (we had been living separate lives for three years). A job opening came up unexpectedly in Washington, DC and I moved (after talking with my kids who told me to go for it). I later came out to them and they have accepted me totally.

I would not be who I am in life if not for my journey although I will say that I am so relieved when I hear how young people today can be themselves and be welcomed into the careers I chose. I even work with various gay organizations that support careers in those areas (and work for an international group as well).

I think most guys know who and what they are; they repress and hide from the truth because of family, societal, and church pressures. It has taken me a long time on my journey and the story is not yet complete.....

 

[Achilleus]

This is an interesting thread that speaks very much to my personal experience. I never knew I was gay, or never had any gay desires, until relatively recently. There were plenty of opportunities for such desires to exert themselves earlier, but I never recall having any such.

Did they always exist, simply buried under the weight of religious doctrine? I don't know. All I can say now, is that I like guys. La Vita e Cosi.

 

[SilverWolf]

I wasn't attracted to men sexually or emotionally when I was young. But at the same time, I could think that guy is cute, or he has a nice body and I wouldn't think anything of it. I also would not view 2 guys kissing as a turn off. I only got aroused looking at straight porn, but the 2 guys going at it was not a turn off for me. As I got older during high school, as I was becoming more sexually mature/developing sexually , that's when I began thinking of guys in a sexual way. So I guess you could say I was a late bloomer.

So I don't really believe the whole you wake up one day and your gay. You probably had clues that were either ignored or repressed under family or religious pressure. Buts that just me.

 

[ericwhitney]

I've seen a few guys who want to 'test the waters' to see if they're gay. it always sounds like bs when they first say it (guys say all kinds of nonsense to escorts). but then it starts to make sense when I meet them and hear the specific details. I have to say I try a little harder to show these guys a good time, lol.

 

[ImBleedingLove]

I am still intrigued by this because every once in a while you hear about a guy who has an experience with another guy (whether rape or not) and then sticks to guys from then on or who "finds out" later in life whereas most of us know by at 15-16 (or age 1, haha).

hmm guess you could say something you wont know untill you try it out

 

[3nipples]

I have a friend who at 14 was sexually used by an older teenager, an 18 or 19 year old. He doesn't look on it as a negative experience, but is comfortably hetero.

 

[Nomenclature]

I've seen a few guys who want to 'test the waters' to see if they're gay.

I had a friend awhile back who me that her gay male friend wanted to experiment with her, because he wasn't completely sure if he was gay or not.


In related news: People are human and unsure of themselves sometime.

 

[conrad]

I am much older than most of you, but when I was growing up there was great pressure to be a "regular guy" and that meant we were conditioned to accept marriage as something that would come to us down the road.

In my life, however, I bonded in friendship with the new guy in town at at age 15 we found that "doing what came naturally'" led to a two year homosexual relationship. The sex was great and confirmed the love we had for each other. We never did think of ourselves as being gay (that word was not yet in the language in that way), but it my life it made me receptive to my college roommate and my housemate in Seattle. All of us eventually married, but my last two male partners simply could not adjust to the traditional heterosexual marriage and were bold enough to enter into long term gay relationships (they don't live with their partners just near them).

Faithfulness in a partnership is vital to me. When I met the person I was eager and willing to spend the rest of my life with I made the choice and I have not turned back.

I think the term bisexual is inadequate. I have not wanted or needed sex with a man during my long marriage. I do not deny that I miss that intimacy with a man, but I am happy that I can also be a faithful and loving partner to a woman. I still know myself: I am "stirred" by sexually attractive persons of both sexes. I have been enriched by my homosexual relationships, by other heterosexual relationships, and by the continuing blessing of being a married man and all that that entails.

What happens between two persons sexually is to me private and personal. The public is entitled to make their own judgments based on what they see.

 

[nijnij]

You guys might find this short video interesting, or funny...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=077UtUWGQOA&feature=player_embedded[/ame]