Chapter Sixteen
Junior year at Saint Francis, Douglass Merrin thought he would find solace in the choir.
If you know the notes to sing, you can sing most anything!
Up until eighth grade he had been part of a wonderful choir. He had even soloed in church. Douglass Merrin was thrilled by the sound of his own voice, surprised by the notes it could hit, still thin and high when he wished it. Amazed by the waves he rode on when his voice joined the voices of others.
Now, as an adult, he realized that the cigarettes, along with the smoking of pot and other drugs had put a limit on the winged voice he’d once had and, as he filled another bowl and looked at Michael Buren, curled sleeping naked and brown, compact and beautiful beside him, he could not reminisce without missing those days when he was one of the only boys in the choir at Christ the King.
Once a year the choir of Christ the King joined all the other parochial schools choirs in town and became the Honors Choir who gave, as he remembered, an amazing one night performance. He always wished they’d done it more. That last year he pretended to be a bass so he could sing with Owen and the other boys, and he always regretted being separated from his own choir, all alto girls, his natural voice range, and among them the soft eyed, long eyed lashed boy, Andy. He didn’t understand much about his feelings then, just that he would have preferred the company of his girls and the gentle Andy to Owen and the other boys he practiced with all day. The lesson he learned: always be yourself.
Saint Francis’s choir was nothing like the glorious honors choir he had known. It was full of croaking not quite basses and unsatisfying tenors and the music the director chose was bad. When he’d thought of joining, Swann had said, “You’;ll be disappointed.” And he was. At the end of his sophomore year he had talked to Mr. Miller, the smallish, dark haired music teacher who looked a lot like a student.
“You know, Doug, I’m actually trying to do some things with the choir, make it better, press it a little further,” he said. “You might be surprised by what you see if you stick with us.”
The Doug of sophomore year, high on a relationship with Joe, and protected by his cousin, surrounded with the family of cousin’s friends, might have turned a deaf ear to that, but the Doug of junior year, who had none of that, who found life suddenly lonely and lacking in point, was willing to enter into Max Miller’s quest for a better choir.
Now classical music came bursting out of Max Miller’s classroom, and when he wasn’t going on, at great depth, about the wonder of Brahms or Beethoven, or giving lectures on Gregorian and Byzantine chant, there was singing, and more and more this is what the choir lessons were as well.
“And now let’s try a little of that.”
“A little of what?” Shomari Jackson said.
“A little Gregorian chant.”
“I don’t think we can do that,” Vinnie shook his head.
“If those tenth century monks could do it. You can do it.”
And the odd thing was, when the music became more challenging, more boys came into the choir. Max went to Abbot Prynne with a request, and before the end of the month, there were boys from the K through 8 school and girls from Saint Anne’s and the choir began to sound something like a choir should.
One night, after dinner, when Max should have been well home, and all members of the choir as well, they came quiet as mice into the darkened chapel and stood at the altar before the retrochoir, and as the monks were finishing Compline, the boys burst out, singing
All praise to You, my God, this night,
For all the blessings of the light.
Keep me, O keep me, King of kings,
Beneath the shelter of Your wings!
It was Thomas Tallis, and they’d practiced for three weeks along with much of his canon, The joy, the soaring power he hadn’t experienced for years, was back. He thrilled at their voices reaching the ceiling and coming back to them. The cynical Doug was shaken at the joy in the faces of the monks as they finished, the desire to clap that those often austere men refrained from.
From then on, it didn’t seem pathetic that he was always in Max Miller’s classroom. There was music to be performed, and Max always had something to teach.
“Thomas Tallis was a devout Catholic, and he wrote music for the Church,” Max said, “but then when Henry the Eight made the Church of England separate from the Catholic Church, he had to start writing his music in a slightly different way, and then when Henry died and his son Edward, a real Puritan, came to the throne, he had to change it again, make it completely in English make it straightforward as possible. Make good music, but keep his head. Literally. When Edward died, Mary became Queen and it was Latin again, and then the happy medium with Queen Elizabeth. Through all these reigns he…glorified God and was true to himself, but kept his head by adapting.”
Kept his head by adapting, were the words Doug heard, and ket those I nthe back of his mind.
Sometimes it was Doug, Shomari and Vince who were in the room singing and listening to music with Mr. Miller, and sometimes it was just Doug. If they worked till late, late for students, seven or eight at night, Max would bring food from the Strip or from the town he lived in, forty five minutes away.
“What is this?” Doug said.
“You don’t like it?”
“I like a lot, but I’ve never had it.”
“It’s bulgogi.”
“Bulgogi?”
“Korean beef over rice, with a little bit of vegetables.”
“It’s sweet. A little bit tangy. A little bit soy…soyeee. Not like sweet and sour, but…ummm.” Doug frowned.
“Umami,” Max said. “That earthy taste, kind of smoky, savory, that you get in Asian food. It’s called umami.”
“Umami,” Doug repeated, nodding his head.
“The soy sauce is different.”
“That’s because it’s not soy sauce. Not quite,” Max said.
“It’s Ponzu sauce.”
“Ponzu.”
Doug said, “I like it. “It’s soy sauce, but more sour, more… funky.”
Max laughed and nodded, “It’s definitely funky.”
Once Max took some of them to an Indian restaurant on the Calverton Strip and coached the boys through what they might like.
“Swann always liked Indian,” Doug remembered, “but he never told me what it was he liked.”
“You can’t go wrong on the butter chicken,” Max said. “And the naan. You’ll want plenty of naan, and to try the tandoor chicken.”
Doug went with that and fell in love with a new food, and while he was scooping butter chicken onto naan and rubbing the bread in the sauce, Max said, “Since you’re from Chicago, you could get your family to take you up and down Devon Avenue.”
“Devon?”
“Yes, that’s Little India and you can eat Indian food to your heart’s content. All sorts of food, really.”
Doug did not imagine his parents taking him anywhere, but Swann and Chris, Swann and his other friends, maybe. Definitely.
But the nights Doug loved most were when he had Mr. Miller to himself, when the two of them stayed in the little office off of his classroom. He would get his miserable dinner in the main hall, and sometimes he would stay and eat it. But eventually he was able to leave the hall with it. If Mr. Miller was in his classroom, then he would go to his office and they would listen to music, and Mr. Miller would make strong coffee and they would talk about the future, because the present was, even with music class, not very bearable.
“You thought about schools?”
“Now you sound like my father.”
“Ouch! I don’t mean to. And I wasn’t even doing it in a way to pressure you. I was just curious.”
Doug shook his head.
“I can’t imagine more… of this.”
Now Max shook his head.
“It won’t be more of this. It will be grown ups. And you will be in a grown up world with other curious people. You can stretch yourself.”
“I don’t really kow what I’d do.”
“Douglass, you’re brilliant.”
Doug’s grades weren’t great, but Doug wasn’t someone who needed to be told he was smart, and he also wasn’t someone who believed in false modesty. He merely nodded.
“Doug?” Max asked him.
“Yes.”
“I may be out of line for asking this, but are you gay?”
It was out of line, and jarring, and Doug wasn’t sure how to answer, but Max pressed on.
“Because I am. I had wondered? It must be hard here. I was asking because you’re different and different boys can be,” Max frowned, “different.”
Douglass laughed now and said, “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”
Max said, “You’re not the only one. Not at Saint Francis. There are others.”
“I know,” Doug said.
“Oh!”
“I had a boyfriend,” he said. “And my cousin had a boyfriend. A few.”
“Your cousin was Swann Portis?”
“Yes.”
“Bright guy. Yes, well, you’re a bright guy too.”
“They’re all gone,” Doug said. “Gone and left me here.”
“Even the boyfriend?” Max said, pushing away the beginning of Doug’s self pity.
Doug nodded.
“Do you miss sex with him?”
Again, Doug was surprised by the question, but he answered, “Yes.”
Max nodded and sank low in his chair. His foot almost touched Doug’s.
“I understand,” he said.
So Doug said, “Is it hard? For you to be at this school? Or are we just all a bunch of little kids to you?”
“I’m only twenty-four,” Max Miller said, sitting up again and pushing up his glasses.
“You all don’t seem like kids to me at all.”