Being Too "Attached" to A Guy?

[hanshansen]

OK, I've done some more thinking. Maybe the most valuable thing I learned over the last few years is that people who I thought were totally different from me (in terms of temperament, culture etc) actually have quite a bit in common with me. They have insecurities which are in some ways like mine, deep down they want things I want, etc. Before I always thought they were so different from me that it wasn't worth trying to empathise with them and that they couldn't possibly empathise with me.

The way I learned that has been by talking to a lot of people, by watching a lot of movies and reading books which are about people and their feelings and relationships. I'd notice things in what I was hearing and seeing and reading and think, 'yes, I recognise this, this makes sense to me'.

The reason that is such a valuable thing to learn is that once you realise you have something in common with others you can start to feel confident in making inferences from your own feelings and behaviour. Have I ever ended an IM conversation without saying goodbye five times, and did that mean I was rejecting the person on the other end? Probably not. So if someone else does it to me, they're probably not rejecting me, either. Would I be hurt if someone who I thought liked me deleted me from their contact lists without any reason? Probably yes, so I won't do it to them.

 

[hanshansen]

The other thing I learned is that most of my assumption to date regarding other people had been WRONG. So the best thing I could do when meeting someone knew was to keep an open mind and keep patiently gathering evidence before drawing too strong conclusions.

Over time, as I've socialised with more people and got to know some of them better, I've regained some confidence in my gut reaction. That's an ongoing process. But two or three years ago my knee-jerk responses were pretty much worthless.

 

[G-Lexington]

Forgot to address these bits.

>>>I just wish people would just be upfront and honest about what and how they think about me. If a person didn't want to talk to me anymore, I would prefer them to just tell me, so I start the "moving on" process. I absolutely hate not knowing where I stand with someone.

Relationships aren't set in stone. Especially early on, they tend to be very nebulous. We don't know exactly how we feel about each other then. We don't spend an hour together, and then give each other a rating. ("You're a 7. That's a pretty good friend, but not a BFF or anything.") Most of the time, we just play things by ear. We think "Yeah, he's OK", "yeah, I'd like to spend more time with him", whatever.

Personal example.

I met a guy a little while ago. OK, a bit dorky, but that's fine. After first meeting, I thought he was pretty cool. I didn't see myself working hard to spend a lot of time with him, but I'd enjoy hanging out with him from time to time.

During the second meeting, he struck me a bit worse. Not horribly, mind you, but part of his personality grated on me more than it had on first meeting. My opinion of him was somewhat lesser after that meeting.

After my last meeting, I was more at peace (or something) with that aspect of him, and I felt more comfortable around him. So, again, I was feeling better about him.

See, people CAN'T tell you what their plans are for you, or what they feel about you, because quite often, they don't quite now yet. It's a learning process. As you spend more time with them, talk with them more, you get a better picture of them, and how they might fit into your life. But that's always changing. And I think most people are somewhat aware of that. Only high-schoolers and celebutants use terms like "BFF".

>>>I wish I had the luxury of being like most others ("normal people") and not get attached to people so easily. I don't have many friends (in fact, I can count them on my hand), so when someone new comes in my life, I'm willing to go the "long haul" with them and exhibit loyalty to them. If you ask the few friends that I have, they will all tell you that I'm very loyal to them, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them (without making myself a "pushover" in the process). They would also tell you that I make myself very accessible to them, even at 3 A.M.

Loyalty is fine, but not if you're simply out to prove your worth. Yeah, friends should be there for each other. But you won't convince someone to be your friend by stating your loyalty if he feels you two just don't mesh that well. Loyalty is great, but it's insufficient.

Lex

 

[Cognition]

You have got to realise that Lex is right and that this is not how people think when dealing with their friends.

You cannot make somebody like you. People like you or don't like you for their own personal reasons.

Why do you like the people you like?

I realize that, Han.

Maybe I should just view him as someone I "hooked up" with one night and nothing else.

Perhaps my email to him a few months back made him view me as a crazy person. Perhaps he instant messaged me just to be polite. Perhaps he's really not interested in getting to know me better. He's probably won't ever call or write again.

I accept all of that.

It just really hurts me (badly) that I can't get over him, and how my mind continually revisits memories about him when I'm quite sure that I probably don't even cross his mind even twice a month.

I don't know why I like the people I like. I haven't asked myself that question before.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Perhaps my email to him a few months back made him view me as a crazy person. Perhaps he instant messaged me just to be polite.

Perhaps, but I tend not to IM people I think are crazy, even just to be polite. I just don't answer their e-mails.

I'm fairly sure he IMed you because he actually wanted to. But I can't hypothesize why he stopped. The correct response when that happens is simply to send an e-mail. "Hey, you kind of vanished on me on IM last night. Hope everything's OK. Talk to you later." Then leave it at that. If he still wants to talk, he will. If not, there's your answer.

Lex

 

[Cognition]

Would I be hurt if someone who I thought liked me deleted me from their contact lists without any reason? Probably yes, so I won't do it to them.

Not to venture off course from your statement, this really isn't an issue. Rob doesn't know I blocked and deleted him from my buddy list (AIM). Also, since we don't "mesh" together, my removing him from my contacts is irrelevant. If he doesn't think anything about me, why do I want to torture myself with leaving him on that list, knowing fully well he will never contact me again.

That's why I deleted all his voicemails and emails. I've successfully forgotten his phone number, but can't seem to forget his email address and AIM screen name. It doesn't matter however, because there are times he's here in Dallas and hangs out with all his "other" friends and doesn't contact me anyway. Oh well.

I just want to take all precautions to not getting hurt again. I don't think that's unreasonable.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I just want to take all precautions to not getting hurt again. I don't think that's unreasonable.

It is if you're simply sabotaging relationships every time you hit a bit of uncertainty. If every time a phone call isn't returned (right away), an e-mail isn't responded to, an IM conversation abandoned...if every time something like this happens, you decide that you're in the process of being ignored or dropped, and so block all contact and try to "move on" to avoid "getting hurt", well, sir, get used to moving on a lot. Because it happens. A lot. Early in a relationship (especially a platonic one), we tend to be a fairly low priority. We're an interesting prospect, but that's it. They've got their lives to lead, and their other "proven" friends to talk to, so that tends to occupy the bulk of their time. Yes, the guy stopped conversing via IM. And, as I said, there are plenty of reasons why that may have happened. To protect yourself from "further injury" by cutting ties seems like a bit of overkill. It's not that big a deal. And if it is (to you), you need to work on MAKING it not that big a deal. You need to ease up and let people progress at their own pace. Otherwise, you'll be ending every single possible relationship before it even has time to take root.

Lex

 

[Cognition]

It is if you're simply sabotaging relationships every time you hit a bit of uncertainty.

Oh no, I've never behaved like this before. I don't know what it is, but this "Rob" case has made me act very strangely. I've never felt this way about someone before. And I don't know why.

To protect yourself from "further injury" by cutting ties seems like a bit of overkill. It's not that big a deal. And if it is (to you), you need to work on MAKING it not that big a deal. You need to ease up and let people progress at their own pace. Otherwise, you'll be ending every single possible relationship before it even has time to take root.
[/QUOTE]

Well, you're absolutely right. I think the best thing to do is just to leave Rob the hell alone and focus on the few platonic relationships I have ('cuz I sure don't have any romantic ones at this point...lol). I think I'll focus more on Scott this week and catch up on old times. He and I have an "established" friendship, so it will be good to catch up on what he's been doing since he moved back to North Texas.

 

[hanshansen]

I don't know why I like the people I like. I haven't asked myself that question before.

It might be an interesting question to think about.

I think I'll focus more on Scott this week and catch up on old times. He and I have an "established" friendship, so it will be good to catch up on what he's been doing since he moved back to North Texas.

How did you make friends with Scott and your other existing friends? How was that different than with Rob?

 

[Cognition]

How did you make friends with Scott and your other existing friends? How was that different than with Rob?

Well, I was simply browsing Myspace about three years ago and sent Scott a message asking how he was, etc. We started conversing about different things like entrepreneurship, etc. We eventually became roommates for some time, until I moved back to my home town. We lost communication for about a year, until recently, when he called me.

I like hanging out with Scott because I can just be myself and don't feel the need to "impress" him nor am I "attached" to him even though I care a great deal about him. He's a good guy.

I met Rob on CL when he was here visiting some family. It was a hookup. After we departed, I felt myself thinking about him a lot, so I contacted him on AIM, and we got to talking about many things. He was a very nice guy. At some point I told him that I had never been to a gay club, so he suggested that we go together the next time he was in Dallas. He visited the next month, and we went. We had a blast. And after he left, I became even more attached.

I regret hooking up with him as the emotional turmoil has been overwhelming.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think the answers you're giving are pointing you in the right direction. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? Can Rob be a friend like Scott? Why not? Could Scott turn into a Rob? What might cause that?

Lex

 

[Cognition]

I think the answers you're giving are pointing you in the right direction.

Yes, I'm seeing that.

Can Rob be a friend like Scott? Why not?

With him living on the east coast as he does, probably not. Not to mention that we don't even have a good foundation for our "friendship" (or the sheer lack of it).

Could Scott turn into a Rob? What might cause that?

Absolutely not. And I would never want him to turn into Rob. Scott is a man's "man", straight, and I like him as he is. Anything more than platonic would only put me in the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing (and attempting to recover from).

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Scott is a man's "man", straight, and I like him as he is.

Can you explain this a bit more?

Lex

 

[Cognition]

>>>Scott is a man's "man", straight, and I like him as he is.

Can you explain this a bit more?

Lex

Well, I'm just referring to his masculinity. He 100% straight, as I've seen. I have no problem with that. I don't want another "Rob" encounter. I like Scott, and he seems to like hanging out the few times that we do. He initiated our dinner and drinks get together for later this week.

I just appreciate him for not judging me and accepting me for who I am. I don't need to be a Ivy League graduate to be his friend.

 

[Cognition]

Just a little while ago, I was thinking about something: I'm beginning to realize that the more I invest in the good friendships I have, developing myself personally, and focusing on my undergraduate studies, there is little time to think about regretful things (or in this case, bad relationships).

 

[G-Lexington]

Funny that.

Lex