Being with someone while still being in love with another

[TickTockMan]

I have a question to ask, but I don’t know how to put it without it seeming to be leading. Bear with me.


I am in love with someone. I have been since 2006. I am to the point that even if I had the chance to be with him I don’t know if I would take it, but I still love him. I suppose deep down I do still want to be with him. My ex-counselor said I should move on and date anyway. I feel it is wrong to be with someone while wanting to be with another.


What is your opinion on being in a relationship with one person while still wanting another?

 

[medic1]

It is unfair on both you and the person you are having the relationship with.

 

[altlover85]

I don't think it's a good idea.

Are we talking about an ex or a friend?

 

[aaggii]

From your post, I understand you like/love someone but you are not together? If so, dating and meeting other people is no problem. You wouldn´t lie to anyone and it would make you get over him easier. Just don´t make him the first topic to talk about when you are meeting new people.

 

[sixthson]

Thynight, are we to assume you are in love with someone who does not love you back? If so, why have you not moved on?
Dating is about getting to know another person. It's not about love. So, it's reasonable to date and perhaps in the process, you will get proper perspective on the other guy.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

The heart is a deep, and multifaceted thing, capable of loving many on different levels. We all have that "one true love" and we go on to love others... some not as strong, some just as strong, some even stronger. Love isn't some kind of light switch we can just turn off and on... it's more like a scar we carry with us, that becomes part of us and our lives. You're capable of loving more than one person at a time, and you have the will and the intelligence of weather to act on it or not. I have people from my past whom I will always love - even if I never see them again they're important to me, and I wish them well. That doesn't stop me from moving forward and being happy.

 

[TickTockMan]

It is unfair on both you and the person you are having the relationship with.

I agree with it being unfair to the person I am with, but I guess I am a bit dense. How would it be unfair to me?

I don't think it's a good idea.

Are we talking about an ex or a friend?

We had a very close intimate, but non sexual, friendship. Because of certain things we never officially were together

From your post, I understand you like/love someone but you are not together? If so, dating and meeting other people is no problem. You wouldn´t lie to anyone and it would make you get over him easier. Just don´t make him the first topic to talk about when you are meeting new people.

I am obsessed with honor and loyalty. In my head that is emotionally cheating on the person I started to see, unless I told them first thing. I do see your point though and the bit of gray it brings into my life. I am really going to have to think about what you wrote.

Thynight, are we to assume you are in love with someone who does not love you back? If so, why have you not moved on?
Dating is about getting to know another person. It's not about love. So, it's reasonable to date and perhaps in the process, you will get proper perspective on the other guy.

It is complicated and I am not comfortable saying why. I will say that I think we are still drawn to one another and probably always will be. We will go months without talking, then out of nowhere he will contact me just because he wants (seems to me needs) to talk to me.

As to why I have not moved on, I don’t know if I am mentally ready. I don’t know if I ever will be, nor if I truly want to be. With that said the reason I asked this question was I was messing around on OkCupid.com (a dating site with tests and other fun things) and I accidentally bought a membership for a month. I was thinking maybe it was time, but the thread question gives me pause.

Good point about dating not being about love, but getting to know the person.

The heart is a deep, and multifaceted thing, capable of loving many on different levels. We all have that "one true love" and we go on to love others... some not as strong, some just as strong, some even stronger. Love isn't some kind of light switch we can just turn off and on... it's more like a scar we carry with us, that becomes part of us and our lives. You're capable of loving more than one person at a time, and you have the will and the intelligence of weather to act on it or not. I have people from my past whom I will always love - even if I never see them again they're important to me, and I wish them well. That doesn't stop me from moving forward and being happy.

I don’t know what to say to this, but thank you.




To everyone that answered thank you for the posts. You all have given me stuff to think about.

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's possible to hang on to "what ifs" forever, but at what cost? You'll move on when you realize that this is causing you problems. You have to be bothered by being stuck before you can do anything about it.

 

[Disturbance]

You should take the counselor's advice and date. Or if not date, make friends, but at the very least, actively go out of your way to meet and get to know new people. Over time, you will develop feeling for soe of theese people, and with enough patience, and a pinch of luck, you'll fall in love with someone who loves you back. If that happens, your current feelings will slowly fade away. I'm not saying they will disappear, but they will be more quiet.

If you can't be with the person you love, it is best for you to move on.

You are not acting without honor or loyalty, by doing this, and you should remember that you owe a degree of loyalty to yourself and your own happiness as well.

 

[medic1]

Thynight, Disturbance Has already listed why i think it would be unfair on you. Would you be happy and committed in a relationship if you were having such thoughts about another guy? Especially since your post about honour and loyalty.

Dating someone can be very different than being in a relationship, you have to find your own comfort level.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I think it's possible to hang on to "what ifs" forever, but at what cost? You'll move on when you realize that this is causing you problems. You have to be bothered by being stuck before you can do anything about it.

I agree. Many things are done in the name of love. Obsession. Infatuation. Codependence. Lust. ... She might realize you could have more than just love going on that you need to work through.

 

[eastofeden]

Since no one else pointed this out...I feel like I must.

Some people have extensive defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy or avoid risking anything in an actual relationship so they have a lot of self imposed barriers ...usually unbeknownst consciously to them ....

I think you might find one day that what you feel for this guy might not even be love...it might be something else. At any rate... love definitely has it's seasons and will grow, change and adapt as life goes on.

 

[Yours2Hold]

I'd say definitely try to date others. I was crazy about this one guy about 4 years ago. But nothing was ever going to come from it. I started talking to this one guy, and after getting to know him and meeting, I was able to move on. Then when that ended, I was severely hurt for awhile. Eventually, I started dating another guy about 8 months later, and my feelings for him evolved and he became my number one priority. I wouldn't say dating someone else while in love with someone else is not fair to you or the other man, but it can make it easier and end the feelings you had for the other guy.

 

[TickTockMan]

Thanks everyone.

 

[mcbrion]

Since no one else pointed this out...I feel like I must.

Some people have extensive defense mechanisms to avoid intimacy or avoid risking anything in an actual relationship so they have a lot of self imposed barriers ...usually unbeknownst consciously to them ....

I think you might find one day that what you feel for this guy might not even be love...it might be something else. At any rate... love definitely has it's seasons and will grow, change and adapt as life goes on.

I agree. Understanding the different between Love and Desire is not an easy thing to do. Many people use the expression 'in love with,' but when we're young, what we think of as Love is very different than what we understand when older (if we see life thru open eyes).

What is it about this man that you love? Looks? Soul? If what you want is just him, then ask yourself again if it's Love, because if it's truly Love, you will want what's best for him - and by extension, what is best for you. There is a saying:

In Real Love, you want what's best for the other person.
In Romantic Love, you just want the other person.

And yes, there can be both, but that takes maturity. Do you think about his feelings first, or just how you feel about him?

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm also going to agree with eastofeden. It does sound like what you are doing is clinging white-knuckled to a reason NOT to move on.

This is pretty common actually. I've done it, seen a bunch of other guys do it, happens all the time. Since you won't discuss why this other guy is off limits, it's kind of difficult to give an opinion, but just speculatively - if the guy was straight, you are probably playing games with your own head about not wanting to expose yourself to real risk, which is what eastofeden was saying. Facing rejection is sometimes the problem, sometimes closet issues, sometimes it's intimacy issues, all of which require you to do what you don't want to do - put yourself out there - if you want to get over it.

If the guy is gay, we'd need a bunch more context to really help.

 

[bankside]

In addition to being the plot line for Friends for several seasons, people who are right for each other really do spend years or decades apart before they finally figure it out and get together. Sometimes it's after 20 years married to someone else followed by "I had to get a divorce because every day for 20 years I never stopped thinking about you."

It's nice to spare that someone else 20 years in a dead end relationship if it can be helped.

But "reasons" could be anything. If it's "wrong place wrong time," then what are you doing to let that person know?

If it's "sexual orientation / gender mismatch" then it's time to let go.
If it's "sexual orientation is one thing officially but I know for a fact that there's more to the story" then it's also time to let go.

 

[Rolyo85]

Whatever other factors exist, it is a proven fact that the best and fastest way to move on from someone is to actively pursue others. Go on dates, get to know people. It won't be a betrayal to your feelings for him, nor would it be unfair to them. You will not go further than you feel you should, but using him as an excuse not to invest in another person is also not healthy. There is no dishonesty about not mentioning previous partners/loves right away. In fact, it's dating etiquette not to. At least at first, dating has to be exclusively about the potential unit that is the two of you. Not whatever baggage either of you is carrying around.

Also, 8 years are a gigantic life-period to be in love with someone without any consummation of it, emotional or otherwise. I would hesitate to even use the term "love" at this point.

 

[TickTockMan]

The original question was:

What is your opinion on being in a relationship with one person while still wanting another?

This thread has gone off the rails. This thread was never about the one I love, but morally is it okay to date another while having feeling for someone else.

Also, 8 years are a gigantic life-period to be in love with someone without any consummation of it, emotional or otherwise. I would hesitate to even use the term "love" at this point.

I never said it was one sided. Also I never said that what we had/have has stopped.

 

[Rolyo85]

No, but you said it can't happen, and even if it could, you aren't likely to go for it. So for all intents and purposes it is NOT happening. And the topic is almost ENTIRELY about the one you love, because these questions are never general, and can never be answered in a general way. The answer has to be based on YOUR situation, because there are no absolute rules in morality and in the emotional connections between people. So as much as you may be loathe to talk about him, you can't really expect to get a satisfying answer to your question without telling us something about him.