Bipolar relationships

[sillyboy26]

We met online, talked and he had told me that "although I know it will hurt when the time comes, I still want to see you" before we met, we have ended up seeing each other more than that one time. We've met up for lunch almost every other day, we've gone to the movies, gone out for dinners and we've hugged and kissed a lot. We text each other everyday and talk on the phone every night. He's an awesome guy - him 21 and me 26.

We know that our "relationship" or "friendship" or whatever it is called will not last beyond August, which is only a few weeks away. We have our reasons and we've been very upfront before we even met and we have agreed that we can make each other very happy while we still have each other for now.

It's now nearly a month since we've gotten to know each other and I have only just started to understand what bipolar is. Yes, he is bipolar but he has told me from the very start and I didn't think it would bother me.

His doctor has asked him to try stop taking his drugs hence he is now slowly experiencing those dreaded withdrawal symptoms. He has become more irritable, wanting to talk less, feels tired - I feel sorry for him when I see him. I just want to stay by his side and hug him. I want to constantly know that he is OK hence I text him a lot but I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I don't know how much "space" to give him because I do not want him to fell alienated....yet I don't want to smother him.

Then he has told me that the symptoms "can only get worse" like he might start yelling at people for no apparent reason, saying hurtful things and just being mean and nasty. I am scared not at being yelled at but more so as I see us approaching August. It has always been my intention to end this "nicely" and walk away as friends and still be able to keep in touch but I'm just really scared that what if his bipolar condition does not allow for that to happen at that time (when I need to leave the country).....


Anybody with bipolar relationship experiences?

 

[TygreBryte]

His doctor has asked him to try stop taking his drugs hence he is now slowly experiencing those dreaded withdrawal symptoms.

That doesn't sound right AT ALL. If his M.D. knows that the symptoms will "get worse," I cannot imagine that he would want your friend to start titering off of them, or going "cold turkey."

 

[pasacon]

The reason I can think of that they would want to take him off his meds that work for him is that he's very susceptible to the side effects... most common is the risk for seizures and he's also within the age group where there is a likely chance his meds are increasing thoughts of suicide.

 

[looseliam]

Some people with certain mental and behavioural disorders ride a sort of roller coaster with the meds.

What typically happens is the feel better. They feel, for lack of better words, cured. Then they go off the meds because they feel they don't need them anymore. Then they get worse. It's a viscous cycle.

But as for you, if this is just a summer fling, why put yourself through this?

 

[sillyboy26]

His doctor had already over the past few weeks, gradually cut down on his prescription drugs. He seem to have responded to it OK.

It has only been a few days since he has started to go without any medications. His doctor has told him that he will put him back on drugs if he did indeed have very serious side effects but for now, he wants to see if it's time for him to cut his reliance on those drugs.

I haven't spoken to him yet today but I think it's a good sign that he went to work - he wasn't too sure if he could make when we met up last night.

 

[rareboy]

A relationship with a bi-polar person not on drugs is not very promising.

I'm not buying for a minute that the doc is pulling him off his meds if your bf is a diagnosed bi-polar.

Oh well. hopefully he'll be on an even keel until the end of August.

It certainly doesn't prevent the two of you from having fun and for you to be a supportive friend.

 

[Just_Believe18]

At least he is honest with you and you two have had a good time. However, this is not your struggle to deal with. You'll find far more healthier relationships. Hopefully, he can find some happiness too.

 

[maxpowr9]

Ugh. Why bother to delay the inevitable anyways. The melodrama is not something you want to deal with. I can honestly say his mood will turn drastically sour as the time approaches.

FYI: He's lieing to you. NO doctor would ever change his medication if it is working; only if it is not. Many bipolar people will think they are getting better and reduce their medication or stop all together only to relapse. I would probably look more towards a bipolar relationship website than a "gay-themed" one for better advice on what to do with this subject matter.

 

[pasacon]

Funny you said that since that's what the therapist was pointing out at group the other day. That the first big mistake is to think that once your depression stops or your anxiety stops, or you feel good for a few weeks months or years that it means you don't need your meds and stop taking them instead of realizing that you may be feeling better because of the medications. Because mental illness is a life long affair of management. And while it may be possible for someone with clinical depression to avoid taking meds and opting for routine therapy and learning and improving their coping mechanisms for their depression, mostly of what I've read, bipolar disorder isn't one of those things that can just be talked through, you need to take something for the mood swings, for the depression, and/or for the mania. Because maybe for a few months you only feel a little depressed, or somewhat "normal" then the next month you are thrust into an extended hypermanic state and maybe you feel so good and invincible that you risk too much on gambling, or you tell your boss off and quit or get fired because he did that little thing that annoys you at the wrong moment and you go off... or you spend your money like there's no tomorrow only to realize when you come down that you are broke and rent is due.

Hell, electric shock therapy methods have been reformed and are back in business now. If someone goes overly manic to the point of self danger, or if none of the meds can reliably bring you down from mania, that's the next stop in treatment...

 

[sillyboy26]

Thanks guys. Learning as much as I can about this condition really does help.....

I think all I can really do is to be as supportive as I can. It just pains me to see him not "being himself" over the past couple of days and he is all tired and moody.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Hmm. I was in your situation: living overseas, and in a serious relationship with someone who (later) exhibited bipolar symptoms. At the time it only seemed he was a bit manic occasionally, part of his personality, or so it seemed. He developed the major symptoms after I left (and confessed later he blamed my leaving for the onset!
But he eventually owned up that it was not the case).

He was 20, so it sounds like your fellow might have just recently been diagnosed? Early onset bipolar disorder certainly exists, but more likely it comes on in the early 20s. If so, yes, they may still be working on the medications.

At any rate, we remain friends to this day, and get together every few years as platonic friends. I experienced one of his cyclic attacks once, when he had gone off his meds in "order to party," and it wasn't pleasant, but on the whole I enjoy our friendship, and there is no reason not to do so in your case.

Living in different countries will change your relationship dramatically. But no reason not to keep up the friendship if it works for you (and he stays on his meds).

 

[sillyboy26]

He's been diagnosed as bipolar for a couple of years already and has been on meds pretty much ever since.

Do most bipolar people live normal lives as long as they take their meds regularly? Or, are they also prone to those sudden "attacks"?

 

[rareboy]

Do most bipolar people live normal lives as long as they take their meds regularly?

Yes. Most stay on an even keel.

 

[mishima75]

there area also different types of bipolar - 1 being the one they used to call mania, 2 being long lows with mood swings... so not everyone goes through these things the same...

yr bf's symptoms will also depend on what medication he's coming off - if it's an anti depressant for example there are a variety of side effects that are different from say lithium withdrawal, because a lot of AD's stay in thebody for a lot longer whereas the the mood stabilisers can be out of the body fairly quickly

i guess what's important here is communication between you two and knowing that what he's going through isn't something you've caused. as a friend, you can look out for him generally - see what he's going through and if anything seems very weird, talk to him calmly about it. it's hard on the person going through this, and also hard on the people around them - as someone with bipolar 2 and a family each of who has their own illness, I can attest to... how tiring it is for everyone lol

so lots of rest, gentleness... but also you and he can work at understanding how his health is up to him to maintain, as is yours, and that when together, you can do things... maybe a little intensely in terms of activity if he's tired, but in thelong run, civility, respect are still important - for both of you

 

[sillyboy26]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll continue to be on an even keel.

I totally agree that communication would be the key to anything long-term and I am thankful that there so far has not been any blame between us.

I'm trying to make things work around him - not being too doing things his way i.e. he calls the shots where and when to go places, and so on and so forth but it's not easy because I don't know how much is too much, or little is enough. I am scared of "losing him" and I sometimes feel like I am doing enough for him......

 

[sillyboy26]

Guys.....I'm posting again tonight because I needed somewhere to unload.

Because of our schedules, we haven't seen each other since last weekend. We've talked and we still text each other everyday but what's really bothering me is, just tonight....

I had called him at about 10pm, he didn't answer but he texted me back very quickly telling me he was driving - it was a kinda funny message too. I texted him back "Drive Safely".

Called him at 11pm, no answer. Again at 11.20pm, no answer. He texted me shortly afterwards - "Just got out of the shower, heading to bed. Goodnight".

Within seconds, I texted him back "Are you not talking to me?"

He replied and told me he wasn't talking to anybody and wasn't "in the mood for people".

I texted him back "Goodnght. Hope to see you tomorrow."

That was it.......

I am NOT angry or mad at him but I'm just concerned. I don't know what's going on and I guess more importantly, I'm freaking out thinking that I might have pissed him off or something, or said something wrong in my message, or caused more discomfort to him.

I'd appreciate any comments that you may have but thanks anyway for listening.

 

[pausanias_usa]

If he is in a "down" cycle, he may take to bed: for several days.

Give him space: by using the plural, "people," he is indicating it isn't you, it's him.

One of the reasons my ex stays on his meds is that, while the "up" cycle is apparently rather enjoyable, like a speed jag, the "down" cycle is hell on earth. The depressed person wants to block out the world, and, unfortunately, that means you too.

If he realizes the down is not worth the up, he may go back on his meds.

As with alcoholics, you can't reason, you have to wait until they hit bottom and figure it out themselves.

 

[bankside]

It is his job to let you know when things aren't going well, not your job to guess.

And if he said he "wasn't in the mood for people," maybe he is trying to find a way to do just that, which is good. I wouldn't worry about it, but when you see him in a better mood, if the opportunity comes up to talk about how he is doing, you can check with him whether that was what he was trying to get across.

Also, if certain social situations are difficult for him, it is his job to let you know. You don't have to "make things work around him." It is not healthy for a relationship to have him call all the shots, no matter what the reason. Do things and plan things as you would like to, just show some understanding if plans change. He can't make all the decisions all the time, he probably doesn't want to, and even if he did want to, no person should control a relationship like that. All you need to do is show some compassion and flexibility when he identifies a specific time when he is not up to it. That is his job.

It is his job to figure out when something is going wrong, and if things go very wrong it is his job to ask for help in a crisis. The rest of the time, it would be good for both of you not to worry about it and enjoy!

 

[sillyboy26]

Give him space: by using the plural, "people," he is indicating it isn't you, it's him.

......the "down" cycle is hell on earth. The depressed person wants to block out the world, and, unfortunately, that means you too.

Thanks pausanias_usa for pointing that out - maybe it is "him" and maybe you're right - he hasn't really indicated that I've got a problem or he's a got a problem with me.

Damn right there with the "down" cycle - it's hell! I only wish that he'd block other people but at least let me be there, be in the picture to support him - that's all I'm asking.

 

[sillyboy26]

And if he said he "wasn't in the mood for people," maybe he is trying to find a way to do just that, which is good. I wouldn't worry about it, but when you see him in a better mood, if the opportunity comes up to talk about how he is doing, you can check with him whether that was what he was trying to get across.

It is his job to figure out when something is going wrong, and if things go very wrong it is his job to ask for help in a crisis. The rest of the time, it would be good for both of you not to worry about it and enjoy!

I'm really hoping that this is the case - that he is really shutting everybody out and not just me.

Maybe I am thinking too much, and worrying too much but knowing him, I'm not quite sure if he's "capable" of asking for help. He is very independent......