Born With Your Bisexual Preference. Or Not?

[RRRalph]

Beardedwoof linked us to a quiz, which of the results possibilities kinda suprised me. The quiz was about sexual preference two of nine possible results are:

1. You are past homosexual and currently heterosexual.
2. You are past heterosexual and currently homosexual.

I’ve always thought that it is commen knowledge that people are born with a certain sexual preference. As a baby you don’t know nothing about that, but the sexual preference is already determined. There’s no such thing as developing your sexual identity, there’s only such thing as discovering your sexual identity. Being homosexual in the past and currently heterosexual (or vise versa) is not possible according to me.

The notion of being "born" a certain way, sexually, is a Puritanical bear trap. I hate to see anyone, fall into it. You are born... sexual. That's it.

It seems it’s not commen knowledge? What are your thoughts?

 

[inner_voice]

Re: Born With Your Sexual Preference. Or Not?

yeah i saw it too and i found it very interesting (i put it also in my blog)

i think i agree with them. it's something that changes over the years BUT there is a sexual inner "core" that remains the same

How can this be?
I dont know for sure but i guess sex it's a pleasure, a way of entertaiment, a basic need. If we look in all our favorite things we will see that althought we tend to prefer some stuff some more, we try a lot of things (new foods, new wine etc) and we might enjoy them for a long or a short. So it's a way or an aspect of how we want things THAT moment.
People change but not that much

sorry about my poor english

 

[RRRalph]

Re: Born With Your Sexual Preference. Or Not?

It's something that changes over the years

I really don't think that's the case. Is there no one who agree with me?

 

[Erickivan]

People are born that way, they just learn about it over the years, You can't change someone sexual preference.

 

[conrad]

RRRalph, I think I know what you are getting at (I read most of your posts) but I think it might be helpful to elaborate.

I am a married man; the world sees me as heterosexual; but, they do not know the whole of me. They assume that I have engaged in heterosexual activity since they have seen me with my wife and children and I do not ever seek to let them know more.

The world has never seen me as a homosexual; but, what they don't know is that I have had serious relationships which involved homosexual activity.

Because the world only can judge on what they see of me or hear from me, they don't know the whole story of my sexuality, the sexuality that I have discovered in my journey in life. I know I can be attracted to men and that they can be attracted to me. I've been there and done that.

I am, and can remain deeply closeted; sexual activity for me has to be very personal and private. But, while I do not like promiscuity, I have no desire to foist my kind of choices on others. Folks have to, and often they do, learn to live with their own choices and the consequences.

It was genuine liberation for me, since I had always considered himself straight, to discover that "other side of my sexuality" while in high school. I embraced it and my first sex partner is still a very dear friend, although we both settled for marriage with children; we've been better husbands and fathers because we came to know each other and ourselves with all the wonderful complexities.

In my own mind I know I am not what others see. I have a mind that is still very active. I can be stirred by the magnificent bodies displayed on this and other sites. I'm not so sure that I would be similarly stirred if I knew the person associated with "that great bod and that magnificent tool". I know I can relate sexually to men and women. I have found sex wonderful with a man and it can be wonderful, though different, with a woman. But, I have never wanted to "sleep around" since I take commitment seriously and sex without commitment is to me less than unappealing; it is unthinkable.

I honesty agree that one has to discover one's sexuality and to find opportunities in which it can find expression with a partner who is as committed to one as one is committed to that partner.

So however, whenever, you find yourself with that person may you all enjoy each other completely. And, once your have found him or her never let him or her go.

Peace!

 

[RRRalph]

RRRalph, I think I know what you are getting at (I read most of your posts) but I think it might be helpful to elaborate.

I am a married man; the world sees me as heterosexual; but, they do not know the whole of me. They assume that I have engaged in heterosexual activity since they have seen me with my wife and children and I do not ever seek to let them know more.

The world has never seen me as a homosexual; but, what they don't know is that I have had serious relationships which involved homosexual activity.

Because the world only can judge on what they see of me or hear from me, they don't know the whole story of my sexuality, the sexuality that I have discovered in my journey in life. I know I can be attracted to men and that they can be attracted to me. I've been there and done that.

I am, and can remain deeply closeted; sexual activity for me has to be very personal and private. But, while I do not like promiscuity, I have no desire to foist my kind of choices on others. Folks have to, and often they do, learn to live with their own choices and the consequences.

It was genuine liberation for me, since I had always considered himself straight, to discover that "other side of my sexuality" while in high school. I embraced it and my first sex partner is still a very dear friend, although we both settled for marriage with children; we've been better husbands and fathers because we came to know each other and ourselves with all the wonderful complexities.

In my own mind I know I am not what others see. I have a mind that is still very active. I can be stirred by the magnificent bodies displayed on this and other sites. I'm not so sure that I would be similarly stirred if I knew the person associated with "that great bod and that magnificent tool". I know I can relate sexually to men and women. I have found sex wonderful with a man and it can be wonderful, though different, with a woman. But, I have never wanted to "sleep around" since I take commitment seriously and sex without commitment is to me less than unappealing; it is unthinkable.

I honesty agree that one has to discover one's sexuality and to find opportunities in which it can find expression with a partner who is as committed to one as one is committed to that partner.

Thanx for sharing your elaborate view!

RRRalph, I think I know what you are getting at (I read most of your posts).

Glad to read that . Eventho you're happily married and completely committed you remain a bisexual man. That's your sexual core. There's no development possibility.

So however, whenever, you find yourself with that person may you all enjoy each other completely. And, once your have found him or her never let him or her go.

I'm up for another real relationship agian, i've been single and fooling around too long.

 

[inner_voice]

i didnt say someone can change

i said that you might wanna try some things, maybe you start to like some things more or less BUT always you have your main preferations

 

[jo_addict]

Its in ingrained, cant help it.....genetic. I am convinced that it is not learned. It is "just the way we are"

 

[RRRalph]

Re: Born With Your Sexual Preference. Or Not?

i didnt say someone can change. i said that you might wanna try some things, maybe you start to like some things more or less BUT always you have your main preferations

You said something changes over the years. That something would be sexual preference. That doesn't change. Not knowing that you are attracted to guys (and girls), doesn't mean that you don't have a sexual preference for guys (or girls). It's always been there, but you find out after a while.

It's something that changes over the years.

 

[RRRalph]

Saw this elswhere. This is a contribution to the discussion.

RRR and Bearded, I think you both actuallly have the same thought but the phrasing is a bit different. Having said that I would say to RRR that you can discover your sexual identity and never develop it, sadly, and to bearded, I would say that, yes, we are all sexual beings, but that doesn't mean that we don't have preferences. I am gay. I like cock. Period. But I also prefer to suck cock as to have mine sucked. I prefer to be fucked than to fuck. I prefer to pleasure than to be pleasured. Most of the friends that I have had that are bi have similar sexual preferences with either sex. Some like to eat pussy but prefer a guy sucking their cock. Some like fucking girls, but would rather fellate a guy than a girl. We have our own sexuality, let's not beat it down, let's live it up. And as far as the gene factor goes, I do believe, obviously that I was born gay. If there are people out there that would abort a fetus because it carried a gay gene, I would have to say that they must be very hypocritical, because most of the people, at least in the United States, that have negative views of homosexuality are also pro-life. So how could they possibly consider it okay to abort a fetus just because it might be gay in the future. Interesting subject, sorry I rambled on for so long.

 

[TheTrish]

Hi! I was born sexual, I was HOT for girls before I knew girls could get each other off! hehe LOL When my mom gave me the “birds and bees” talk, she never said it could be good for me nor did she mention other girls. In many ways, I was a late bloomer, never sucked a cock until 17, never licked a pussy until 18. I wish I’d known at 14 what I know now. LOL

T

 

[hot tamales]

I don't know... I've read the responses and agree and disagree with them.

I guess getting back to the original question, being "Do you develop your sexual identity or are you born with it?"... I figure the answer to that is pretty subjective; it depends on the individual and their opinions.

Like any question, you can bend facts and arguments to fit your personal opinion.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to start a flame war or what have you -- I'm just putting this out there for discussion -- but you say that people don't 'develop' their sexual preference, but rather they are 'born that way'. Again, I'm not saying I agree or disagree, but take this as you will...

Using myself as an example (and everyone's experiences are different, I know), I had always thought of banging chicks when I was younger. Always. I always fantasized at night about fucking the better looking girls in my school, how I would have to 'beat them away with sticks', how I could flirt with them and get them to like me and how I was going to marry one of them eventually (I was in Elementary School at the time, I am not a Mr. Tinkertrain!). But I hit an early puberty compared to other guys my age and, as far as guys go, became curious in such things as 'do they also have hair down there yet?' and 'how big are they?' ... I became quite self-conscious because of this.

Then eventually, combined with a lot of the "gay jokes", etc., that went around my school at the time, I started thinking 'It might be kinda hot to be with another guy on the side', because of how "wrong" it was perceived. Maybe if it was considered normal and acceptable behavior to be with another guy at the time, it wouldn't have been a turn-on... I don't know.

So, in this case, one could make a case that I "developed" my attraction for other guys because of my curiosity surrounding their nether-regions as a result of my early puberty, and because of how "wrong" it was for me to think about being with them -- and how hot that was to me at the time.

On the other hand, one could make a case that I was "born with it", and would have found out about my sexual curiosity towards other males regardless of my early puberty.

I guess my thing is that there is absolutely nothing to prove one way or the other whether on is "born with it" or one "develops it"; rather it is a matter of opinion based on circumstance based on personal beliefs whether it is one way or the other.

Again, I find at this point that it is purely subjective, and that one could bend the facts and circumstances any way they like in order to suit their argument.

Me, I really don't put too much stock into it. I like guys, I like girls... it is what it is.

 

[conrad]

Thank you, Hot Tamales; your experience is not strange or unusual. I chuckle when I read an account of this awareness as having come in drunken encounters. How strange we are sometimes. For me sex should be enjoyed with no part of one's being in any way diminished. When engaged in the "knowing" (the Bible's cute way of designating sex), I want my partner to be knowing me with all systems on "super go" for both of us.

I know that "gay" side of my sexuality but I also know the other. To me both are gifts to be treasured. I accept the reality of my sexuality and I accept the inevitable conclusion that choice is inevitable. I want only committed relationshiips and when I commit, I am faithful. Promiscuity is not an option for me.

It is my lover, not the sex of my lover, that is important. The sex with commitment is the ultimate joy. I want to be faithful and I am, but I never forget that there is always that other side of my sexuality. I am glad that I have known and been known in that other part of me. I'm not into repressing my thinking to conform to the conventional thinking.

 

[Sirramm]

Here's a side that I am not sure anyone has thought of and is sure to rip your brain apart trying to figure out. My short answer is: I think its choice. But here is the long answer. I am an identical twin, although we think we are fraternal. My twin is totally gay and up until the past year or so I have been totally straight, I am now bi. I am married to a woman who loves it and she has her own boytoy who is also bi that we play with. I have never wanted to be ‘totally’ gay, nor do I at this time ever think I will be, so the thought of going without women makes me uneasy. However! I do get turned on seeing other guys cocks, sucking them or eating their cum straight ‘from the pipe’ or from/off my wife. I don’t do anal nor do I want to.

So was I born this way or that? That’s a mystery and trust me I can’t figure it out either and I have a medical degree! So I ride the fence on this one sometimes. My medical side says my twin was born with a predisposed disposition to be ‘gay’ or have infinity toward men while I on the other had made a ‘choice’ to be bi. My ‘choice’ was not ingrained on me at birth. I was ‘straight’ for a long time but now really get turned on seeing naked men especially with my wife. For me it’s the sight of a hard cock that gets to me. Not the ‘man’ like my twin sees, feels and usually explores which is what to my way of thinking defines whether you are gay or straight. I think this is one of the ‘tests’ that needs to be fulfilled to make the distinction of whether you are gay, straight or bi. Conversely the ‘me’ side of me says that my twin has done what most people are either afraid of or unable to do: make a stand for what he likes and wants and go for it.

What triggered my twin to be gay from birth and what ‘swayed’ me to bi side? Who knows and more importantly who cares. If you like men or women or both just do what makes you feel good while being kind to others. This mystery will probably never be solved or answered. It’s just like which came first? The chicken or the egg.

 

[conrad]

Sirramm, you do make my point. For the bisexual, choice(s) are inevitable. Not all of us make the same choice. The choice we make is determined by a host of factors which are not the same for all persons. Promiscuity and other arrangements are choices. I would opt always for a deeply committed monogamous relationship, but that is my choice and I do not presume to judge the choices others make. I have been comfortable and blissfully satisfied and is something I would wish for all others.

 

[GothPunk]

What triggered my twin to be gay from birth and what ‘swayed’ me to bi side? Who knows and more importantly who cares. If you like men or women or both just do what makes you feel good while being kind to others. This mystery will probably never be solved or answered. It’s just like which came first? The chicken or the egg.

The egg came first. And seeing as in my studies I have learned that the majority of people are actually born bisexual, thats what I believe. But regardless of what genes you have, the environment and how you are brought up also plays a part in the development/understanding/appreciation of your sexuality.

For example you might have the genes to be really tall, but if you're malnourished your entire life you won't reach your full potential. Same goes for your sexuality (to a certain extent) which I think most guys who have sex with other guys can appreciate. If you're born bi, but have negative experiences (e.g. fed a load of homophobic propaganda as a child) you may come to deny the 'gay side' of your sexuality. As you get older you may want to experience new things, or become drawn to the new guy at the office etc, and perhaps you come to enjoy sex with a man more and identify yourself as a "...past heterosexual and current homosexual". Same for the other way; you may have grown up preferring guys and then you meet a girl who really turns you on and you really click with. Next thing you know you're describing yourself as a "... past homosexual and current heterosexual" and come to forget your sexual feelings for men.

Neither of these people is truly homosexual or heterosexual, they're probably just going on their present experience and preference. In this way I think you could consider these people to be developing a sexual identity, as they are bi but through experience come to feel more homo or hetero.

RRRalph I disagree with what you're saying that "There’s no such thing as developing your sexual identity". Because of course there is. There's a nature/nuture aspect to all genetically determined traits. But of course I agree with what you're saying about bisexuality, as most people grow up learning heterosexuality but discover that they are in fact bisexual. Because how can you develop bisexuality when you're born that way

 

[conrad]

And I just now lost a post on the thread that asks if "Bi" really means "Ex-gay" and I indicated that I certainly hoped not. The "gayness" is a part of the total of my complex sexuality. It was the first part of that sexuality that I experienced in a relationship that lasted for two years. I don't think that during that time I ever
thought of myself as gay forever. My first heterosexual activity came later; I found it different and wonderful. My first male and also the first female partner
are still best friends; I still find them sexually attractive.

To answer the main question is difficult because all of us won't agree on definitions. We are born with the capacity for love, both homo and hetero, but many men never become aware of that part of that capacity which is not dominant because the restraints in force in his community do not provide for that capacity to be recognized through the experience of the same.

 

[RRRalph]

For the bisexual, choice(s) are inevitable. Not all of us make the same choice. The choice we make is determined by a host of factors which are not the same for all persons. Promiscuity and other arrangements are choices. I would opt always for a deeply committed monogamous relationship, but that is my choice and I do not presume to judge the choices others make.

I think the only choice you can make regarding to your (bi)sexuality, is the choice to (temporarely) live the straight way or the gay way. You can't choose to be bisexual, gay or straight, cuz that's what you are.

 

[conrad]

I don't ever announce my sexual orientation; I know I am capable of sustaining either a homosexual or a heterosexual relationship. If I were without a relationship today, I would want all those I meet to find me open to friendship ties and would want the complexity of my sexuality to be revealed gradually. The mysterious element in the other"s sexuality is something I like to discover gradually as well. It all starts with ordinary friendship.

There are many factors which influence the way two persons come into the intimacy of relationship. Not all persons find it easy to relate and that's true all across the range of sexual orientation. Some delight in the "hot, quick, fuck"--the "one night stand." Others go for the long term bonding.

I don't know whether I was born with the preference for the Long term relationship whether it be in homosexual or heterosexual activity, but I am happy that I have the capacity to find fulfillment on either the heterosexual or homosexual side of my sexuality.

At age 14 I was certainly aware that I got hard when in contact with girls and I had to move quickly in the locker room lest I reveal to my peers that their "exposed sexual wares in all their variety" had power to erect me. Then and now I view sex as very personal but also very private. Go figure! Is my way of dealing with my unique sexuality inborn, acquired through the influence of my environment, etc. etc?

Some men boast of their sexual exploits; only on this forum do I approach being open. I almost never use the "f" word. I've been around men who can't form a sentence without it. There is big element of choice in my way; I love sex in all it's mystery. I don't know who or what to credit for my general state of sexual happiness along the way. I resist thinking it was all a matter of my genetic inheritance; I like to think I deserve some credit for my readiness to explore the opportunities I found.

I made some good choices. But, I had some wonderful choices to make.

Peace!

 

[RRRalph]

I like to think I deserve some credit for my readiness to explore the opportunities I found.

I agree