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Boyfriend doesn't allow me to make advances at him anymore

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Miller85

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Hello guys,

I need your advice because the (many) talks I've had about this subject with my boyfriend haven't helped and, at least for him, only add to the frustration. I though I'd be wise to seek some wisdom here. So what's the trouble? Precisely as stated in the title of this thread: my boyfriend doesn't allow me to make advances at him any more. I'll explain the situation in more detail.

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than three years. We're extremely happy together and have no serious issues (beyond the one for which I am now seeking advice). When there's a problem we always communicate clearly with each other and in a manner that is respectful with regard to the other's feelings, even if we happen to disagree. We've effectively dealt with a lot over minor and major issues over the years, making our relationship rather smooth-running. I'd characterize the whole thing as wonderfully mature, adventurous and brimful of love. But one subject we've never really managed to talk about without issue is sex.

We both (rightly) regard sex as an important and vital part of a relationship. But although I've always been quite relaxed about the subject with him (I have no qualms about talking about my favourite positions, turn-ons and turn-offs, porn, etc.), the converse isn't true. When I first met him he was pretty uptight and it took about two years for him to even 'loosen up' enough for him to even be able to get fucked. Took about that long too for him to dare talk to me about what kind of porn he likes to watch. I remember way in the beginning when I tried once or twice to talk about our sex life and (respectfully) indicate what I liked more and less about it, it would make him feel insecure and unable to 'perform' for weeks on end after. Nevertheless, in spite of these initial troubles our sex life did get better and better the more he seemed to be able to relax, enjoy and let his worries go. Mad crazy sex! Fireworks! Great! Until recently.

Since a few months my boyfriend's libido has nosedived dramatically. Not only will he only rarely initiate sex now, what is even worse (at least to me, hence the title) is that he doesn't allow me to make advances at him any more. That is to say, just about all of my attempts over the past three or four months to get him in the mood or simply have some inbetweenplay have met with rejection. We've talked about it, but haven't resolved the issue in the slightest. He feels guilty, but says he can't think of a single reason why he doesn't really want to have sex as much - he just doesn't. I also can't think of one; no big something has happened that could explain it. Trouble is, he also doesn't really want to talk about it any more as he says talking about sex always makes him worry so much he can't relax enough to even have it! But not talking about hasn't helped either.

The toll this situation has on me is getting worse by the week. Not only is what I experience as a constant rejection extremely painful (to the point that I hardly even dare to initiate anything any more), I find myself suddenly getting jealous when he casually points out some "hot guy" to me when we're walking down the street or going out. Also the fact that he apparently does still enjoy watching porn and masturbating to it when he's at home (we don't live together) has started to bug me. It's as if his libido is still in place, but it's not directed towards me any more, and with that dreadful thought comes a whole host of insecurities I didn't have before. And what makes his 'change' so inexplicable is that everything else in our relationship is damn-near perfect. (I hope you will take me at my word that I am not self-deceiving or being deceived by him in this regard).

Yesterday I tried to initiate some inbetweenplay with him, but he declined and said "Maybe later in bed. I'm not really in the mood right now, but I don't want to begrudge you your fun." I didn't want to reopen then and there the same discussion we've been having for months, but that comment really hurt me. It's not about me having my way with you, I thought. It's about us enjoying each other.

I'm at a loss about what to do. Has anyone here ever been in a similar situation? If so, how did you manage to get through it (if you did at all)? I'd love to hear from you guys.

Kind regards,

H.
 
The only similar situation I've ever been in you're not going to like. 'Cause he was a cheatin' bastard. Relax, our relationship however was nothing like what yours sounds like.

This may be normal death of romance kinda stuff. Every couple goes through that sooner or later. Sometimes it ends, sometimes it ends a relationship.

Or he might have started to have self esteem problems for reasons he doesn't want to share with you. It could be physical. Unfortunately we don't know, and can't say - he's the only person who can answer this so you are going to have to push the issue - which you are perfectly entitled to do BTW.

Bring up how you feel EXPLICITLY and give him the opportunity to work on it with you.

Or, he could be a cheatin' bastard.
 
This sounds like a physical/psychological issue to me, and while you may not be able to blame him for it, you most definitely SHOULD be blaming him for being unwilling to address it. You are clearly suffering and his attitude is harmful to you. You should make this clear and he should acknowledge it and seek professional help - most likely therapeutic based on your account of the beginning of your relationship.

If he is unwilling to deal with this, I'm sad to say your relationship will quickly deteriorate and collapse into bitterness. You sound like a great and caring guy but loving someone is NOT and should NEVER be an open-ended invitation for emotional abuse. Intentional or not.
 
Maybe he thought he was gay, but is actually straight.
 
Hi H, and welcome to JUB!

This sounds like a psychological issue to me, too. Given how insecure he was before, and how touchy of a subject this is for him, one has to wonder if he's suffering from a lack of self-esteem or performance anxiety. There may be something physiologically going on as well. However, with how unwilling he has been in discussing the topic of sex, it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, to get to the root of the situation.

At this point, if it were me, I'd almost be ready to make my relationship with him strictly platonic and look for another partner with whom you can have a closer relationship. Is this situation something you want to tolerate and live with for the next few years?

I wish you the best of luck.
 
Hello and welcome

May I ask your ages? There are many possibilities but a few that come to my mind are low testosterone. Regardless of age a low testosterone level will kill his interest. It's easily treated and only a simple blood test is needed to get a level. Another thing that came my mind was possible abuse. Some victims of past sexual abuse just don't find sex enjoyable. It understandably brings up bad memories. What makes me kind of rule those out is he's masturbating to porn on his own. I'll be honest with you I think there is more going on here than what's on the surface. I'm afraid the two of you aren't on the same page relationship wise. It sounds to me like he's likes having you around as a close friend but isn't physically attracted to you. I've been down that road and it sucks. You're putting everything into the relationship and he's just content being non sexual best friends.

Honestly he's being very selfish. He doesn't care about your needs and desires for sex and intimacy . He's controlling a major part of your life and it doesn't seem to matter to him That you're not getting what you need. He just brushes you off, goes home and jerks off. As others have mentioned he may be getting his sex elsewhere and That's why he doesn't need to have it with you.

I know you've talked to him but have you made it very clear to him that this is really starting to be an issue and you're concerned for the relatiinship. Let him know this may be a deal breaker for you. Open your eyes and ears. Are things truly as good as you think they are or are you Just seeing what you want to see? Some couples therapy couldn't hurt but I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't go or if he did he wouldn't be honest.

Best of luck. Keep posting there are people in here with good ideas and experiences. Feel free to pm me if you want

Steven
 
Thank you all for replying.

@ Rolyo85: I wouldn't be a rational human being if I hadn't considered the possibility of him cheating on me, but I honestly don't think that that's the case. @ palemale: He's assuredly also not secretly straight. I think the issue is a physical/psychological one, as most of you suggested, and as you guys have helped me realize, although I cannot blame him for the issue itself, I most certainly can blame him for being reluctant to address it (thanks especially to Rolyo85 for putting it so succinctly). I have decided to make this clear to him.

@ Georgiadude: I am 31, he is 25. I don't think low testosterone levels or past sexual abuse play a role, especially since we had amazing sex just about every time we met up until a couple of months back - which inclines me to think something must have changed or happened around that time. It could be that he has now started seeing me more as a close friend than a lover. I in fact suggested this might be the case, but he went on shut-down and said he didn't know. At the time I accepted his response since I've know him to have trouble connecting to his deepest emotions from time to time (which has something to do with his kind of ADHD-mindset; his thoughts can be all over the place and he sometimes finds it hard to focus, especially when he worries about things). But looking back on his reply now while typing my own to you, I realize that it is totally unacceptable. He SHOULD try to figure out what his true feelings are.

His reluctance in trying to do seems to me to have two plausible explanations: 1) He is deeply worried about something which prevents him from engaging in worry-free sex (and talking about it only increases his worries), 2) he may have lost most of his sexual interest in me but is reluctant to face up to this for fear of losing me.

We do still have sex (and when we do it's amazing) but only when he initiates it, which is not that often. This is in line with both explanations. But I guess I won't know what's really going on until he finally gives me a proper explanation, which I am going to make clear I require from him. Thank you all again - I will let you know how it turned out.
 
Leave blame alone in any relationship if you want to improve it. Look at the issues and suggest or demand resolution. Don't demand unless you are willing to end it. Ultimatums don't work unless you are willing to follow through. It could be he's addicted to masturbation and that's become his preferred way of getting off. Couple's counseling can do wonders if both parties are willing to be honest and willing to make changes.
 
Seasoned said:
Leave blame alone in any relationship if you want to improve it. Look at the issues and suggest or demand resolution. Don't demand unless you are willing to end it. Ultimatums don't work unless you are willing to follow through. It could be he's addicted to masturbation and that's become his preferred way of getting off. Couple's counseling can do wonders if both parties are willing to be honest and willing to make changes.
Click to expand...

Thank you for this helpful suggestion. It is I think because English isn't my native language that my position regarding his reluctance to discuss the issue may have came across as harsher than it in fact is. Although I used the word in my earlier reply, I certainly don't wish to blame him for anything. What I do want to make clear to my boyfriend is that I need more than an "I don't know why" in order to be able to deal with his enduring lack of sexual interest. First the root problem must become clear, then we'll figure out what to do about it. I want him to feel safe with whatever answer he will give me (stress, trauma, withered sexual attraction, him seeing me more as a friend now than a lover - whatever). Experience tells me that even passion that has withered out can sometimes be rekindled, meaning that I won't give up on things that easily. But I will eventually give up unless he is willing to put in more of an effort to figure out what's going on here and talk to me about it. I am not going to accept this limbo much longer.
 
I went through the same thing as you boyfriend. I simply got tired of bottoming for my husband after a while. That was five years ago or more and it never got better. We even split up in the mean time and got more or less back together afterwards. I deal with it by bottoming for him before I go look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
 
It is most likely a psychological problem he isn't willing to address. I got out of a 5-month relationship over a similar problem because the guy had his own emotional problems that he wasn't able to work through.

To be candid, I would honestly dump his butt and let him deal with his own problems at this point. If this has been ongoing for MONTHS and he doesn't want to "improve" himself, let him become someone else's problem.
 
@ Harke the Boeotarch: In what way do you believe my boyfriend's situation is the same as the one you went through? I see no similarities whatsoever. But I do hope the solution you've worked out between the two of you works to keep you both happy.

We had a talk about it yesterday evening. He came over to cook and take care of me a bit as I've come down with the flu. Because he couldn't stay all evening, the talk was short -- but effective. I said that I respected his feelings and understand that the whole sex-issue is a difficult thing for him to talk about, but that it's not like us to not deal with a problem head-on. Our way of dealing with a problem has always been to discuss it and find out what's going on and this situation shouldn't be any different. I respectfullly made it clear that we should sit down sometime soon and have a proper talk about it, no holds barred. He found this to be quite confrontational, but agreed with me 100 %.

He explained to me that he had hoped that it would be a phase that would eventually pass, but now realizes that's not going to happen. He thanked me for phrasing my position in such a way that it made him feel like it wasn't all his fault, and that whatever explanation he would eventually come up with we would try to find a way to deal with it. He was also very empathetic (as I know him to be), describing how things must have been for me these past few months in a way that left nothing out, noting also that his turn to put in more of an effort to resolve this thing was long overdue. So I guess you could say we're off to a good start.

@ maxpowr9: thanks for the advise, but I think I'm gonna stick around for a bit longer. No need to throw my baby out with the bathwater just yet.

I'll keep you all posted just in case you're curious how this things turns out.
 
Harke the Boeotarch said:
I went through the same thing as you boyfriend. I simply got tired of bottoming for my husband after a while. That was five years ago or more and it never got better. We even split up in the mean time and got more or less back together afterwards. I deal with it by bottoming for him before I go look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
Click to expand...

I thought the same thing... maybe you're 'forcing' him to bottom, and he just doesn't like to bottom.
 
Rolyo85 said:
He can't "force" him to bottom. If the guy doesn't want to bottom, he's say so, embarrassed to talk about sex or not.
Click to expand...

My first BF was big... and a very strict top. He wasn't extremely versatile, and he only saw oral, kissing, and handjobs as a prelude or anal. He also wasn't extremely patient or understanding. Like the OP's BF, I got to the point where I didn't want to do anything, because I knew where it was going, and what it was leading to... no matter what he SAID, the end result was always the same.

Granted... it wasn't 'rape', but it was coercing, hence the reason I put "Force" in quotes.

I didn't want to talk about it either. After a while because no matter how many times I tried, and how many promises he made, it always ended up the same, and I just avoided sex all together.
 
I'm kind of puzzled where all this "forced to be a bottom" comes from when all I said is that it took him about two years to be relaxed enough to bottom. We are both versatile. Since about a year ago, he is actually quite eager to get fucked and has even describes himself as a "power bottom".

The point that I was trying to convey with that example is that all of the issues we've had to work through sexually up til now were mostly a matter of him being unable to relax in bed. Sex is a space you can only enter if you are able to leave your worries ('am I doing it right', 'I've got so many bills to pay', 'I must look ridiculous without clothes on', 'I really need that promotion', etc.) behind and go off and play in your mind. He has trouble leaving his worries behind. But once he does, everything is more than fine. This is how, for example, he started to enjoy getting fucked: we were on Holiday in Berlin and coming back to our hotel room completely drunk after a party when he said he wanted to get fucked really hard. (Mind you, this was after two years of fruitless attempts because it simply hurt too much for him to enjoy getting fucked). But this time I went in effortlessly and fucked him for hours on end, with him begging for it. In fact, the first hour he was so horny that he skipped the lube and used his spit to lube up his hole and my dick. My interpretation of all of this: alcohol and a fun night on the town had gotten him to the point where he could just let his sexual energy go and not worry so much. Ever since that night he's enjoyed getting fucked and it doesn't hurt him at all anymore.

Moral of the story: a worried mind can close off the body. It is for this reason that I think it's mostly his worried mind that is in the way again, although it is unclear what those worries are this time. It may be true that one of his worries is feeling 'coerced' to perform certain sexual acts - after three years with him I highly doubt it, but am open to the possibility. But the signs are nevertheless good. This afternoon he texted me saying he felt really good after our conversation and had sung all the way to work. And while I was typing this message he called me up to thank me again for opening up this new avenue for us to try to fix the problem. Now ain't that nice?
 
I didn't mean to imply you were forcing him... It just seems to me, from my experience, that if he doesn't want sex (with you), there must be something going on that he doesn't like - weather he's verbalizing it to you or not.
 
Hello guys,

It's been a while since I updated this thread. Nevertheless I promised to do so, so here I am with a new instalment for those of you interested.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sex-topic on and off over the past few months, and in one respect at least things have changed for the better: he's more sexually active than before our talks. But really only marginally so and the main problem still remains. Although he jumps me every now and then, he still hardly ever allows me to make advances at him. I can count on one hand the number of times he actually reciprocated during the last six months. There's also no room with him for eroticism in the more general sense. Unlike me, he displays no erotic desire/affection or 'in-between-play' at all. Unless he immediately intends it to lead up to full-blown sex. You could say that when it comes to sex it's more or less all or nothing with him.

For a long time I (and he) believed that it was probably stress that was keeping him from feeling comfortable sexually most of the time. He's had a hard time with a lot of things this past year, including his stressful study program. He had a breakdown in front of his classmates a month ago -- which turned out to be an extremely cathartic experience for him. It got him fired up to go to classes again and talking to his friends about his worries more openly. In a general sense I would say that experience gave him a well-needed confidence boost. But alas didn't affect our problem in the slightest.

But yesterday we had an intimate talk that, at least for me, has put things in an entirely different perspective. We hit the town with some friends of ours and, after a great night out, ended at my place where we more or less continued the fun together. We talked a lot, laughed a lot, had a few more beers and eventually rolled and lit a joint. We were sitting on the couch opposite each other, legs straddling, smoking that joint, him telling me about a project he was working on, when I was suddenly struck once again by how gorgeous this guy is and thinking "Damn, I'd like to get those pants off of him'. And I told him so. Unsurprisingly, he stopped talking and got this very uncomfortable look on his face. But surprisingly, when I asked him if he could explain his reaction to me, he started to give me an answer that made more sense than anything previously said on the subject. And even though we were both pretty high at that point, for some perhaps reason to think I shouldn’t put too much stock in whatever was said at that point, our conversation was coherent despite of it and he, I believe, more open because of it.

In a nutshell what he told me was that in a certain way he feels like I’ll be there for him no matter what. I had, to his mind, expressed my love so strongly for him, it felt as though there was almost nothing left for him to do to make him ‘deserve’ me. The edge was gone. That sense of security may have engendered in him a lack of sexual desire, he explained. To me that made total sense – and it still does. We put things in the perspective of two fundamental human needs that are always in some sense at odds: love and desire. If love is about ‘having’ (security, predictability, dependability, safety, reliability, etc.), desire is about ‘wanting’ (adventure, novelty, surprise, mystery, the unknown, etc.). We agreed that these two needs need to be balanced in order to have a relationship that is both committed and fosters sexual desire. Too much of one will stifle the other. I remembered having read somewhere "In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting" which is a very true statement. So if my boyfriend felt that he ‘had’ me in the sense that I offered too much security, predictability, safety etc. then it didn’t surprise me at all that there remained little for him to ‘ want’. I could even explain my continued sexual desire for him in opposite terms. I’ve never had the feeling that no matter what he’d always be there for me. Who knows what the future will bring? To me the edge and the adventure is right there, built into our relationship. I still desire him because I don’t ever feel like I ‘have’ him. That was news to him, he told me.

Even though I was understanding of his feelings, I told him I was pretty offended by his view of me as Ol’ Reliable. I told him that it was naïve of him to think that I’d always stick around no matter what, especially since we were in the midst of a problem that, if unresolved, would be reason for me to leave him as it is making me quite unhappy. He was shocked by that statement. And considering we were both still pretty high when I said it, I maybe should have saved it for later. But I felt the need to put things in a realistic perspective. Luckily he understood and told me he didn’t expect me to continue on in a sexless relationship. I also said that I was willing to put effort into finding out what I could do to improve upon the situation, but that I did not want to be taken for granted by him and hoped he could find some way of letting go of that view of me.

And now we’re ready for a new chapter. I'll keep you posted.
 
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