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Boyfriend in a realtionship with best friend

DeadRussianSpaceMonkey

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About two months ago- I started re-dating my ex. We decided to work thru the some of the issues that resulted in the end of our first attempt.- Things since then, have been going great- Continuously improving.

Simply, the issue that I'm running into now, is that I don't know how to address the issue that is his best friend Christy that he's known and has been friends with for a good two years now. She's poses one of those manipulative nice personalities that you can often miss because her smaller gestures give you a sense of trust. She likes manipulate people, and often regress them from progressing with their lives because it makes her feel more accomplished with where she's at in her life.- Gives her reasoning and justification for being in her current state.

Boyfriend, 19
Best Friend (Christy), 23
Me, 23

Anyways- I am not sure where to start. But, I am guessing examples of her characteristics would be best.

Maybe a week after getting back together- His friend Christy had a birthday weekend planned for herself- The last thing she wanted was me to be at that event, so I wasn't invited. I think my boyfriend felt a little guilty about that, so he texted me during, and such. But he ideally did nothing and I guess that does bother me but we were still just taking things as friends at this point but ideally were back together. I wasn't invited along because she would get upset and angry that he would be spending time with me instead of her on her fake birthday.

Fast forward, a few days/week and it was our monthly anniversary day. We kind of accepted that we were more into a relationship then anything else. But that day he was swamped with school and had a paper to write for the next morning that christy told him that she'd help him out with. So, he suggested stopping by and just sitting and talking outside. Which we did- I ended up surprising him with a mix CD of romantic like songs. & Telling him, that it was kind of a shame that we had to cut our convo short, he agree'ed. He actually brought up earlier that he looking to grab one of those frozen oven-pizza's things from walmart. So, I suggested both of running since he was hungry, and we could always make it together. He uncomfortably told me that he told Christy that he would goto walmart with her earlier. So, I told him not to worry about it, that i was just going to take off, and call it an early night. Eventually, he told me that you know what never mind we'll just go- He just explained that he's just going to have to deal with her going crazy, and she's supposed to help him with his paper, so he didn't want to make it more complex. Reassured me that it was okay. So, we went- He ended up texting her, that he was just going to stop and grab his stuff since he was hungry. She ideally texted him back, asking if he went with me. So, he said yes. She ended up exploding his phone with texts- I knew you would do this to me. You told me that you would go with me to walmart. & A bunch more that I didn't get to see, but she kept calling, texting, calling- She even said that she was going to drive to walmart in a text. She ended up bitching at him for about a good hour or two when he went home before helping him with his paper. I ideally offered him to read his book, and help him last minute if she dicked him over.

Fast foward a couple weeks- We all go out for Habatchi. Me, Boyfriend, Christy and another one of his best friends.

Fast Foward a few more weeks, we do pumkin carving- He carved out a pumpkin with christy before, and then saved a spare one for me and him.

Maybe, a week- I go over. Invite the boyfriend out on a walk, he made a big deal about calling his friend that he was supposed to meet with to study to see if she was on her way. Eventually, he caved calling and going on a walk. Me, Him, and Christy went on a walk since I invited her along since he was going to bail on me.

Fast Foward a few more weeks, We did a drag show: Me, Boyfriend, Christy, and another friend- Drive down. He decided had a tutor session at school that him and his other friend were going to stop in at for maybe 30 minutes. I later find out that she fabricated a story of how I was rude to her, and I wouldn't talk to her, and how I picked myself up and walked away from her. The truth is, I talked to her the whole while making small talk. But even besides this, she calls my boyfriend, and the other girl- starts texting them like crazy about seeing they are done.

Last night, I had a date night with my boyfriend- We stopped for some soup at a restaurant, came back, and just relaxed for the rest of the night- Watched the show revenged. (Amazing by the way). After we have a huge talk about everything, that's where i found out about her story of me for the drag show. Before the night is over, he gets a text from his friend chirsty that went out partying at a halloween party- that she wants to come home, that after he takes me home to come and get her. So, I said we can go get her it's not a problem, that way we can still talk on the way over, and maybe ill stay a bit later anyways. So, he was like this will work out great, because we can bring her car back then. So, we go- She ignores me, they drive back (he gets told that he should have waited, so he could go back tomorrow and pick up her car). He goes to take me home- I told him I thought I was going to stay for a little bit longer. He was like oh, I didn't know. So, we end up snuggling up on the couch talking, while he got texts from christy- yelling at him for picking her up, before taking me home. Trying to guilt him, saying that he was supposed to talk to him about her family issues. && Then when he told her after he'll talk to her. She persisted and continued on texting him about how the lady she babysits is in the hospital now. So, she wanted to talk to him. Then she came down and sat with us, only talking to my boyfriend and ignoring whatever I had to say. Only responding to him, until I called her out on it by asking her more questions and filling the silence, turned out the lady in the hospital only had what is probably a hemorrhoid.

Today, he ended up spending the whole day, cooking, and watching movies, and now hanging out with her and his other friend. He kind of was let down by the idea of me coming over, but still eventually invited me over. I'm guessing he was trying to avoid conflict.

I'm really don't know what to do, I forgot to add- Her family disowned her and got taken in by my boyfriends and his family. She does not only live with him, she sleeps in the same bed with him. It has to be maybe a good 5 months already.
 
Add-Ons:
Near the end of our last relationship- When we were fighting, and I walked away from him- I eventually sent him a text- I forget the context, it might have been how he was doing etc. or something that showed i still cared and was concerned. He was in the pool then, so she decided to take his phone, and delete my text, and ended up telling him that I texted, but she deleted it when he tried to get his phone, telling him that she was only trying to protect his feelings.

He wont also talk to me on the phone, or skype- when they are around.
 
Sugar, he's not in a relationship with you, he's in one with her. Sit him down, tell him what you've told us, if he won't put you first, you aren't the one dating him.

You can't tell him who to be friends with, or who to talk to, but if what you're saying is accurate, you need to decide what you are willing to put up with.

If that was me, I'd have walked.
 
"Christy is the stupidest bimbo that I've ever met in my entire life, she seriously said that I'm lucky that I have an inconsiderate boyfriend because their are guys that have abusive relationships where they get hit and such.That our problems are just minor. She's gearing him for a breakup though by what she's been doing. The concert idea and not trying to text me came from her. She enables him to do nothing.She tells him that it's all going to be okay. That maybe I just need time apart for awhile" - text from to my friend, about her when we were fighting in our first relationship.

There was a time when me and my boyfriend went to help her find a job after she choose to loose her current job because she decide to text at work, and accept the fact that they were going to let her go for this. She didn't appoligize or try to make right. So, we get in the car and she's standoffish because she didn't want to go with me and my boyfriend, but instead only my boyfriend.

At the gay club the one night he refused to dance with me because other people weren't dancing- Christy ended up getting him to drink at the club that night. He knows that im not comfortable with him drinking, and he was supposed to drive back that night, so, i ended up driving back.

Awhile back when we were at the mac store to pick up a laptop for him we swung by bed bath and beyond. We ended up getting a coupon from a stranger so ideally he bought a few extra things, and ended up picking up her a little handsoap portable thing, with one for him. I guess, i am kind of offended that he never asked me if i'd like one as well. Even though, I paid for it. I don't recall if he ever gave me back the money, it really didn't matter either way.
 
OK, you've explained the situation, what are you willing to put up with? It's your choice to stay or go and if he won't help you, leave.
 
OK, you've explained the situation, what are you willing to put up with? It's your choice to stay or go and if he won't help you, leave.

Sorry, I was on a rant, and JUB doesn't like the editing of threads. I started a talk tonight with him, we are going to talk tomorrow morning about it. I told him that I think he might need to start sending boundaries with his friend. As in it's time for her to get herself a new bed. As in him letting his friend this is my boyfriend and he's here to stay for the long hall, your just going to have to deal with it.

I told him if we can't resolve on our own- We're going to see someone to help. He agree'ed though said i'll be paying for it. So, I guess, we'll see where things end up.
 
This is a complicated situation. This girl, from your description, has a pretty serious personality disorder. She's a liar, a manipulator and a back-stabber.

Do a bit of reading about histrionic personality and borderline personality disorder. You might find it informative. And scary.

The problem is that your boyfriend is an enabler. And he accepts her manipulation and abuse. He avoids conflict instead of confronting her on her behavior.

But you are not your boyfriend's parent. You cannot pick his friends. And if you try to make him choose between the two of you, it's not certain that he will choose you over her.

You may be able to help him learn to set boundaries with her (like finding her own place and sleeping in her own bed). You might be able to help him learn to not enable her manipulative behavior. You might be able to help him learn to turn off his phone when she's sending abusive texts. You might be able to help him learn to put an end to her verbal abuse and manipulation.

But your boyfriend has to want to do this. And that's the real battle that you're fighting here.
 
We had a situation like this before a few months back. Can anyone link back here to that thread? I can't remember what happened with the results.

Basically, a guy's boyfriend had this girl friend who dominated every aspect of his boyfriend's life. When it came to her, his boyfriend was an enabler and did everything she wanted. She was only interested in fulfilling her own social needs, and the whole situation was quite disturbing.

So from that experience, I would recommend fully breaking up with this guy. Clearly, it didn't work out the first time, and it's not working out now. If he's content to only have her company, than you can take your relationship material, awesome sex, and penis elsewhere. Let's see how well he does when he realizes just how lacking her anatomy is.
 
Sounds like you are in a relationship with creepy Christy and not each other.
Meanwhile ur building up anger and frustration towards the girl which eventually is gonna burst out.
He`s your ex .. that has to mean something, just let go and find someone else!
 
Have you tried reasoning with him by saying to him what you told us? With the same descriptions etc? If you can make him see how it looks on te outside, he might begin rethinking his friendship with her. There is a core rule in any relationship - you do NOT make your bf choose between you and his friends and you do NOT let your friends put themselves in front of your bf. No real friend does that anyway...
 
If he is devoted to Christy, there's no room for you.

And if he's already putting her before you all the time, your 'relationship' is already over.

Wish him well. Leave him to be eaten alive by this psychobitch.
 
Nothing is going to change until he decides it needs to. He's been set up to be her emotional caregiver for life. He needs a good dose of therapy beginning immediately.

I'm so glad I'm old and missed the texting craze. It's totally foreign and wacky to me and makes people so much more needy. Oh, well. That's my inappropriate rant. Sorry.
 
Well, I don't think the text is the beginning of the needy here.

Frankly your friend and his wife are poster children for co-dependant and they both need therapy.

You on the other hand have an option to opt out of the eternal co-dependent drama (and trust me it WILL BE eternal.)

That's how a co-dependent relationship works, one supplies the drama, the other feeds off it, and around and around the big top we go.

YOUR CHOICE, stay or go. Are you going to decide to join the circus or come sit in the audience with the rest of the adults?
 
I wouldn't say he needs to dump the boy. I mean, it's quite possible the bf is uncomfortable, but doesn't know how to break away from it without being "inconsiderate", not realizing this is EXACTLY what he needs to be...
 
This girl sounds Single White Female you need to tell her to fuck off and tell him to grow a pair.
 
I'd probably leave. being unable to set and keep boundaries doesn't say much for his maturity level.
 
This oddly sounds similar to my boyfriend's parents... His mother is a manipulative woman who uses anyone and everyone to her advantage...

Anyways. I would have a talk with him and tell him what everyone else has stated: it's either her or me darling, who you gonna choose? Once you have that decision made, you can gladly decide whether or not to go to the girl and talk to her - by talk, I mean rudely insult her and make sure she knows she's a psychopath.
 
Don't forget to hit her with your purse and toss a Martini in his face.
 
Man, I could have seriously written this word from word. I understand your frustration. I wrote a similar post 3 months ago maybe, and there has been some improvement..

I would tell him how you feel and that you want to feel like a priority. Some people just do not how to juggle friendships. I don't think he wants to hurt you, but he is clearly lacking a set of balls. I have gotten frustrated with my boyfriend when he does not stand up for us when we want to be alone. Though we did see eye to eye on the issue, he just doesn't know how to say it to her.

Just let him know you respect his friendship, but you need room to grow as a couple without her around. It isn't a matter about choosing anyone over someone else, but having the ability to handle multiple friendships. They already spend so much time together, just them two, and you two deserve the same.
 
It sounds like this Christy (uh, she totally lives up to her name it sounds! If she's blond I'll laugh!) has some serious issues.
But unlike some of the other guys here, I don't think that the problem is that your boyfriend lacks balls. More so it seems that he is being a too good of a friend.
I have a friend (which is nothing like this Christy) who also rang and texted me all the time, craving my attention. And when I didn't give her a reply she would get mad. I explained her several times that we weren't in a relationship and that she was suffocating me. It didn't really help any, so in the end I just left her to herself a bit. And that seemed to work very well. None of it has influenced our friendship in a negative way and we are very good friends today.

Still, it's difficult. Your boyfriend probably struggles with a bad conscious if he's not there for her etc. but he really should. He needs to learn to put himself first.
Help him realize this and he will be ever so grateful. If it doesn't work and if she is still a problem then I think it's your time to put yourself first and think about whether or not this is something you can live with.
 
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