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Boyfriend Refuses to Bottom

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neverdie

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So I have been going out with my boyfriend for about eight months now. We are really happy overall... but there is a problem in bed.

I have had to be the bottom throughout the entire relationship because he refuses to do it. I actually hardly ever bottomed before him so I had to get used to it, and its actually not my thing. However, its getting to the point where its frustrating me. He absolutely refuses to bottom and justifies it by saying he just doesn't get any pleasure out of it.

Its becoming really frustrating because I have made a compromise for him by having to bottom every single time, but he can't do it for me every once in a while.

I don't want to end our relationship over sex, but we have been arguing so much over this its getting out of hand. What can I do to make him realize that I have needs as well, and would like him to at least compromise a little and let him bottom for me? I feel as if everything always is about him and I never get a say on what I need or want.:confused:
 
Tough problem

Is anal sex essential to both of you?

I sort of understand how he feels. I'm the top in our relationship and my partner is happy to be the bottom. Having said that I wish I could bottom for him from time to time for his pleasure but I just can't do it. He'd like me to as well but understands
 
neverdie said:
I have had to be the bottom throughout the entire relationship because he refuses to do it. I actually hardly ever bottomed before him so I had to get used to it, and its actually not my thing. However, its getting to the point where its frustrating me. He absolutely refuses to bottom and justifies it by saying he just doesn't get any pleasure out of it.

Its becoming really frustrating because I have made a compromise for him by having to bottom every single time, but he can't do it for me every once in a while.

I don't want to end our relationship over sex...
Click to expand...

If you have discussed the quoted part with him, and he still expects you to bottom and refuses to do it himself... dump his ass. If you're not sexually compatible, why force the sex? Granted, I am more cynical than some.

Or you could find a solution by just skipping the anal sex altogether?
 
Yes, I discussed the quoted part with him and he knows that I am frustrated.

He says he won't do it because he can't do it. He's done it twice before with different exes... each had to wait two years just to have him bottom. He says its too painful. I understand but that's how I was and had to get used to it so we could have sex.

Realistically, I doubt we could go on in the relationship without any sex. Nice idea, but it would not be the same.
 
If the position is that important and he won't bend over, you can find someone else. Or, you can find a third party for your mutual satisfaction if you think the relationship can handle it.

I always topped until my last relationship. He didn't like to bottom (a dominance submission issue). He was good and the sex was great so I compromised.
 
Sex is an important part of your relationship and successful relationships are built on compromise. If you can't get past this one you're in for trouble. One of you is going to have to bend - so to speak
 
Gosh, I feel sorry for you because I have been there. And it works both ways (ie, if you want to bottom sometimes but your bf doesn't like to top). What was worse in my case was he was a total bore in bed. I once pushed him out of bed onto the floor just to get him to make a noise.
Your situation sounds a little different because it sounds like you both might be tops and you just happen to be willing to bottom. That is a tough situation because, frankly, eventually if he won't bottom you are going to find someone who will. That might be the message you need to communicate.

What I learned was the communication is very important. Get the issues out, talk about them and try to reach a resolution.
 
I'd just like to mention there are other things that you can do besides anal sex. I'd just say no more. You shouldn't have to participate in something you don't like just to make someone else happy.
 
I think people who are adamantly top or bottom without budging even a little bit are ridiculous. It's not like being gay, where this is who you are and you didn't choose it. You can choose to try something new during sex and have an open mind about it. Tops who refuse to bottom (and bottoms who refuse to top, though they seem much rarer) really seem to me like big assholes (no pun intended) who have dominance issues or just plain selfish.

Honestly, to the OP, this is about more than sex. Your boyfriend isn't thinking about your needs and he refuses to compromise. That's a sign of things to come and it will extend outside of the bedroom. Get out now before things get worse.
 
If he knows you're not into it, but he thinks he should keep topping you because that's what HE wants...

...sorry. DTMFA.

Lex
 
I'm with Lex and Quanchi on this one. He obviously doesn't care about you just as long as HE gets off.
 
I agree with the poster ^.... there are so many things other than anal sex that guys can do with each other.... It boggles the mind with the many ways that guys can enjoy each other.
 
Psh, my first bf and I did nothing but oral. Both of us preferred top.. so..

Anyway, it worked out just fine. We got all creative without having to make things uncomfortable.
 
M4P said:
Sex is an important part of your relationship and successful relationships are built on compromise. If you can't get past this one you're in for trouble. One of you is going to have to bend - so to speak
Click to expand...

These things are often symptomatic of other problems in a relationship, whether it be inequality, control issues or general issues with communication.

The first question for you at this point is whether having the option to top your boyfriend is a big enough issue for you to break up with him to go find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible.

The second question is whether the whole anal issue is just a symptom of a larger more fatal flaw in the relationship.
 
midnight81 said:
I think people who are adamantly top or bottom without budging even a little bit are ridiculous. It's not like being gay, where this is who you are and you didn't choose it. You can choose to try something new during sex and have an open mind about it. Tops who refuse to bottom (and bottoms who refuse to top, though they seem much rarer) really seem to me like big assholes (no pun intended) who have dominance issues or just plain selfish.

Honestly, to the OP, this is about more than sex. Your boyfriend isn't thinking about your needs and he refuses to compromise. That's a sign of things to come and it will extend outside of the bedroom. Get out now before things get worse.
Click to expand...

I understand what you are trying to say, but I have to disagree. As a young child, I was repeated raped by my foster father (who was quite large down there) and as a result, can NOT emotionally put myself in that position, its a psychological issue, and has nothing to do with wanting to CONTROL anybody else (I know all too well how that feels on the receiving end). I respect your opinion, but am disappointed that you can not respect others and what they may have suffered and feel the need to call them assholes just to make yourself feel superior to them.
 
Willie Boy said:
I understand what you are trying to say, but I have to disagree. As a young child, I was repeated raped by my foster father (who was quite large down there) and as a result, can NOT emotionally put myself in that position, its a psychological issue, and has nothing to do with wanting to CONTROL anybody else (I know all too well how that feels on the receiving end). I respect your opinion, but am disappointed that you can not respect others and what they may have suffered and feel the need to call them assholes just to make yourself feel superior to them.
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I'm so sorry :/ :(
 
There are plenty of exclusive tops and bottoms as well as versatile couples. You should keep looking until you find the right fit.
 
So I talked to my boyfriend about it more, and we nearly broke up but I just couldn't bring myself to do this over simply sex. We truly are happy together minus this issue.

Like some of you said, there's more to do than just anal sex. There's oral, but he hardly gives me oral either and always expects me to give him head. He agreed that he will at least do this more often since I'm refusing to bottom. I feel like he almost made bottoming seem as something bad and degrading, so I won't feel comfortable doing it.

He did say I can go out and find someone else to get my sexual frustration, but I couldn't tell if he was being serious. I wouldn't want to resort to this and told him if I would, I might as well end the relationship.

At least he says that one day he will bottom for me, but just needs time. I guess its somewhat of an improvement.

Thanks for the input so far!
 
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