...but it DOESN'T always "Get Better"

[RavenCWG]

Hi guys.

Let me start by apologizing in advance about the negativity of this post. I am just so frustrated and depressed with my life right now and have so many things that I wish I could talk about with someone, and yet I don't have even one person in my life with whom I feel comfortable sharing these feelings or who I believe would truly understand what its like for me. I spend so much time internalizing my frustrations, but there comes a point where I just have to vent to someone.

I have, of late, been watching some of the "It Gets Better" videos on YouTube, where celebrities and ordinary people are trying to reach out to young gay teens who are struggling to deal with bullying, depression and so many of the other frustrations that come with being a gay youth. In so many of these videos the people in them talk about how all you need to do is just hang in there, that once you get out of High School and go to college everything is going to get SO much better, and you're going to meet a bunch of people who are just like you and everything will be wonderful and you'll live happily ever after.

OK. While I understand the sentiment, and I know the whole point is to try and encourage and give some hope to teens who may not have any, the simple fact of the matter is that it DOESN'T always get better. It may for some, but for others, like myself, it never does. In fact, in some ways, it just gets harder. Sure, the bullying and physical violence might diminish some once you are out of the close confines of High School, but that alone does not equate to "now your whole life is going to be wonderful".

As I have stated in pervious post in the past, I am 37 (almost 38) years old, I've never had a real boyfriend, I have never been in a serious relationship, and it’s now been over 12 years since the last time I was on a "date". I have no gay friends, and don't even know any other gay guys at all. There are no gay clubs, organizations or anything of that sort anywhere near where I live; no place to meet and hang out with other gay people. So outside of a miracle of Biblical proportions the chances of me EVER having any gay friends, let alone a boyfriend, is somewhere between slim and none. Furthermore, I don't have many friends period, and no social life to speak of. Most of my friends from High School and College live out of state and I therefore don't get to see them very often. Of the few that do still live close by, they are all strait, married, have children and family responsibilities. The time I get to spend with them is mostly limited to going to their kids’ activities with them or coming over for dinner and then just sitting around watching kids' movies or TV shows. This is ok to a point, and they do their best to make me feel welcome and included, which I appreciate; but I still want to go out and do things and go places like we use to do back when we were all younger and single. It's just hard to have much in common with people in your own age group when most of them are at a completely different stage of their lives than you are. Conversely, most of the younger (i.e. 20-something's) single people I know (who are out there doing the kinds of things I would like to be doing) are just not too interested in having some almost 40 y/o gay guy trying to tag along with them everywhere. It's so frustrating. Frankly, I feel like someone without a peer group. No matter where I go, or what I do, I never quite fit in to any group.

There is a lot more I could say, but you get the gist of it. I know not every gay person's life is going to be as pathetic as mine, but the point that I am trying to make here is that just because you get older and out of High School doesn't automatically guarantee that your life as a gay person is suddenly going to be a bed of roses.

 

[TX-Beau]

No one is guaranteed a bed of roses.

You are in charge of your life. If you don't like it, make a plan and do something about it.

No one can help you but you.

If you want something different, then change.

 

[RavenCWG]

TX-Beau,

I know no one is GAURANTEED a bed of roses. But my whole point is that so many of those "It Gets Better" videos IMPLY that that is the case...that if you can just make it though High School everything will be wonderful. I just think it’s a false, misleading message.

As to my personal situation...well, no offense, but I get a little tired of all the "you need to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" lectures. It's easy to sit back and judge someone else’s life, to tell them they just need to “suck it up” and do this thing or that. But honestly you don't know enough about my life to have the right to tell me "if you don't like it, change it." You know nothing about the detail of my life or my financial situation or my family's dynamics or any of the other thing that keep me where I am or from being able to do the things YOU think I should be doing.

 

[heightsboi]

I think what TX-beau is getting at is that if something isn't working, then do something different.

I am sure there are other gays your age, you might have to look somewhere else for them. If the clubs aren't working, go look somewhere else. Volunteer somewhere, join a club for something you enjoy doing. If theres something you like doing, somewhere there will be a gay club for it...running, bowling, singing, travel, cooking...

And for heavens sake, when you do get a date, don't go on about how long it's been or how tough you've had it...at least not at first. Nobody wants to hear
that up front except your therapist. Let your personality shine through.

 

[Delphi124]

RavenCWG, I know what you mean. I also agree that saying "it gets better" is slightly misleading and sometimes just annoying, especially when coming from straight celebrities who have no idea what being gay in a small town is like. I think a better message would be "you can make things better."

You're right, none of us know what financial situation you are in and what dynamics you are having to deal with, but what I do know is that denying that you have power to change your life is as good as guaranteeing it won't change unless, as you put it, a miracle of biblical proportions occurs. Things CAN change, but it is often hard to make it happen and it takes determination and sacrifice and, often, a long time. Until that happens, know you have friends here that you can vent to.

 

[TX-Beau]

TX-Beau,

I know no one is GAURANTEED a bed of roses. But my whole point is that so many of those "It Gets Better" videos IMPLY that that is the case...that if you can just make it though High School everything will be wonderful. I just think it’s a false, misleading message.

As to my personal situation...well, no offense, but I get a little tired of all the "you need to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" lectures. It's easy to sit back and judge someone else’s life, to tell them they just need to “suck it up” and do this thing or that. But honestly you don't know enough about my life to have the right to tell me "if you don't like it, change it." You know nothing about the detail of my life or my financial situation or my family's dynamics or any of the other thing that keep me where I am or from being able to do the things YOU think I should be doing.

Then it's just hopeless and nothing will ever change so you might as well resign yourself to it. Get a pet perhaps?

[EDITED]

Harsh? Perhaps, but there is always a way, it may not be easy, it may take time, but if all you are doing is complaining about it what can you expect?

Thousands and thousands of gay men have set out from their bad situation with nothing more than a wish and a song, some of them made it, some of them didn't, but at least none of them just accepted the status quo. [EDITED]

All those it gets better messages aren't aimed at your situation [EDITED]

Motivate yourself.

 

[altlover85]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist or seeing your doctor to see if you might be depressed?

I'm younger than you, but about a year and a half ago, I was pretty depressed about things, especially being unemployed, and it didn't really change until I moved in with my boyfriend and then decided that I needed to find a job.

I went on Craigslist, found a job (one that didn't even look at my resume) and got the job. I've been doing better and while I won't say it solved all my problems, I'm happier than I was during those last few months of unemployment.

Sometimes just doing one thing to improve your situation, no matter how small can help get the ball rolling.

Feel free to PM me if you need to.

 

[Smitho]

I have not watched the videos you are talking about, but from your post I guess they are saying that while at HS you are not in control and you have to grin and bear it, others are making the choices, afterwards, you can make the choice and you can make your life easier and better. But this is not a guarantee, just because you re gay life will be better after HS! You have to take control and make your own decisions.

As for the OP you say you are tired of people giving you lectures about getting it together, well perhaps the fact everyone is saying the same thing, means they may have a point.

You chose to live in the place you do, you choose to live far away from gay communities, your class mates choose to move away.

 

[midnight81]

Raven,

I think the point you're missing about the It Gets Better videos is that they're not saying life will definitely, automatically become this grand fantasy world once they get older and graduate. The point of the messages is that things will get better than they are. When you're in high school and you feel powerless and stuck in your situation, being abused and bullied and hated for who you are, it's hard to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Growing up and graduating automatically guarantees that things will get better (even if it's just a little bit) because you are now an adult and have the potential to do anything your heart desires, make your own choices, etc. That doesn't mean you're free from consequences, but it does mean you can pick your own path and work toward making a life for yourself that doesn't make you want to kill yourself.

And I know it's frustrating you to hear this, but I agree with TX Beau and the others who say that if you aren't happy at 37, you have the power to change that. You're right, no we don't know your financial situation or family dynamic, but if you want your life to get better, you have to make the tough choices and little changes that will move you in the right direction. If you have financial hardship, tough it out while working your ass off to change that. It might take a while but perserverance wins out every time over giving up. Also, the only family situation that I can see keeping you in a small town with limited access to other gay guys is that you are an only child with an invalid parent to take care of. Which sucks...but there are ways to work around any bad situation.

As someone said in a previous post, the odds that there aren't ANY gay guys in your area are slim. You just have to look hard enough and be willing to make a few concessions. It sounds to me like your main problem when it comes to dating and making friends is that you are too shy/unwilling to take the social risks needed to put yourself out there and make those connections. I've made friends via internet sites, iPhone apps, work, through straight friends, with a few guys who were failed dates or former hookups, and through pursuing my passions and doing more than sitting at home and wallowing about how miz I was.

I agree with altlover---you should definitely look into therapy. Being depressed could be making things harder for you. But otherwise, take your life into your own hands. Make a commitment to work towards a change for the better and remember that it might not happen instantly and giving up will only guarantee failure. And don't be afraid to take risks and make some tough choices if need be (for instance, if your family dynamic is not an invalid parent but rather that you have domineering parents/sibling who insist you stay close in order to have a relationship with them, maybe make the tough decision to choose to do what's right for YOU not what's being insisted upon by the people in your life).

Ultimately, you're right - only you know your situation. So only you know the right approach that will work. But as an adult, complaining about it while doing nothing to change it is like running around in circles. It's fine to vent but we can't do anything to help you. Only you can do that.

 

[Dodger712]

Raven I kind of understand where you are coming from as I am in a similar situation location wise. I have no one from work or friends from college that are around to hang with. I only have few gay and gay friendly friends and they all live in other states or the ones who live nearby all have young kids and are involved in that so we don't see or socialize much at all any longer. I keep in touch by e-mail and Facebook with these people. No hanging out at Applebee's or Olive Garden. I live DEEP in the Bible belt where it is still preached from the pulpit that it is okay to spit on gay/lesbian people and we are everything from sub human to demons from Hell sent to "recruit" the youth of this state. My four years in High School were a living HELL. BUT I finally, in my late 30's,(and with the assistance of a friend) realized that if I continued to carry that baggage and allow it to weigh me down then it would eat my alive like a cancer. TX Beau has a good point. It is time to either accept your plight in life or do something to change things. That doesn't mean you have to move all the way across country. I live in a small college town with a rather interesting gay underground that the Straight community would SHIT if they knew about. I am not a part of that community nor have I ever been a part of the local "Lavender Elite". I still, at 49, live at home with my father BY CHOICE as he along with my late mother helped me raise my two children. I suffer from depression and only last week was making a plan to "end" myself. But it DOES get better. Those kids need to be told that they DON'T have to live their lives being beaten up and spit on and threatened by bullies. Financial issues aside, you too have chosen to remain stuck in your current plight. You CAN make a choice to no longer do this. You CAN live your life as a Gay man and a Mentally HEALTHY gay man, without taking out an annoucement or putting up a billboard telling the whole town you are gay. It is a private thing (and sometimes silence IS necessary in order to survive and keep breathing). I suggest that you live your life as YOU and embrace your gay self quietly and just BE. Plan a vacation to somewhere you know "louder" gay life to be. LA, San Francisco, New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, etc. Or take a private vacation to somewhere you want to go to and then research the gay life and opportunities in that spot. Vacation somewhere you think you might want to move to, work there, build a life there. Get a paper and look at the jobs. If family dynamics are an issue you could always apply to a college where you'd like to live and that would be a great excuse to leave and go live your life.
But as one of my professors in grad school said about counseling and change "Satisfied people don't change" meaning that we often subconsciously accept where we are in life though we HATE where we are. Change is scary but it can also be rewarding. I too am sad and lonely. I wish I had someone to curl up in bed with and chat (cause the dauchaund just ain't cuttin' it! She is warm and soft to pet but I'd boot her out for Ben Affleck anyday! LOL). But I choose to live my life how it currently is with a future plan to perhaps move to Dallas to be closer to a gay scene I LOVE and to be closer to two friends who I adore. My whole point is that it gets better but you have to be willing to take the first steps and put a plan into motion. If not it won't get any better. Talk to people here. Make friends. I extend my hand in friendship if you wish. I send you hugs and best wishes and wish that I could make it all better for you but the ball is in your court. Now SWING baby! SWING and hit a HOMER!!!! Sugarz. - Douglas

 

[Ganoderma]

hi RavenCWG,

Good to make your posting and I hope you like at least some of the answers of people over here. Please don't blame others (your former college mates with kids) that they don't have alot of time to spend together with you.

Towards my opinion, your posting is much about 'others'. On top of that, you don't provide us with insight in 'things in life' you are interested in.

Be aware that there also also loads of straight guys of 37 who are unmarried and don't have a girlfriend as well. I would try to tell you that being gay is not 'the problem'. Your problem is that you lack in having a proper 'social life', and you are the one who must keep active to have and to maintain this active social life.

So what are the things you like to do (besides your work)?

Hiking into the mountains? Swimming? Reading books? Politics? Travelling to foreign countries? Playing soccer? Gardening? Pets? Collecting stamps? Drinking alot of beer? Dancing? Making music? Talking with / helping (very) old people who face problems with mobility [etc; there are 100+ other examples]

All over the world, so also in and around the place where you are living, there are groups of people who like to do any of these things. Why not find out the things you like (or try this out) and join any of these groups?

What's your type of job, do you work at a big company? Are there any activities organized by / through your company? Why not join them, or become active within the company? Is there a labour union?

I fully agree with TX-Beau. You are the one who must make the steps, and you cannot blame others.

Feel free to ask for more advice.

 

[Seasoned]

Raven, you came to vent and you have every right to do so and be treated with respect. Members seeing a need may want to challenge you but on this forum, according to our guidelines above, it is to be done respectfully. No matter where you are at in life it's your life and you have the right to be heard.

We only know that you are in a situation which leaves you sad. I'm offering my empathy. Something about which we know little is holding you in that situation. I'm glad you have this outlet and you are welcome to post anything here, whether you stay the same, move backwards or move forwards, without being attacked. That's the purpose of this forum.

I'd like to give a bit of my philosopy. As long as we are breathing there's hope. And I have one suggestion. Keep using the internet to expand your horizons for as long as you remain in your situation. Best wishes.

 

[slnattak]

If you want to meet more gay people, why don't you do everything in your power to go to gay-friendly areas. Really, who's stopping you? This is america, we live in a free country. As long as you don't break the law (& get caught) or hurt anybody else, ur free to do what you want.

You don't have to remain 'a victim' to a heterosexist society if you don't want to. There are towns and places that cater to gay people A LOT better.

 

[Rolyo85]

Raven, no offense, but what you are doing is not venting, it's bitching. Also whining.

The "It Gets Better" campaign is aimed at children on the verge of suicide. That's why it's not the "It might get kinda better if you really work hard at it", because when you're about to give up, that's not what you need to hear. Is it a lie? Is it hypocritical. One may choose to view it so. I don't. The world IS getting better for us, and once you get out of school and you are not PHYSICALLY ABUSED on a daily basis, I'd say that's an undeniable improvement. Those are facts.


You feel cheated by those videos? Well, too bad. The only person who can ever be held responsible for your unhappiness is you. Of course nobody here knows your personal circumstances. And you know what else? Nobody CARES. And nobody you meet in life will care, unless you make them care by making them care about YOU. Which doesn't happen when you project lonely, clingy and bitter.

On Grindr, I have this policy - I always reply to anyone who chats me up, and hold polite conversation even if I'm not into it. I know how it feels to be ignored, and I don't want to make anyone feel that way. BUT if you chatted me up on Grindr, and exhibited that attitude, I would NEVER want to meet you in person.

Don't mistake my bluntness for hostility. We are all sympathetic. The world still often sucks for so many of us, and it's difficult to find the people you belong with. BUT TX-Beau is right (he is generally always right) - only you can change that. You can complain about your life, or you can take the necessary measure to have another one. I came all the way from Eastern Europe and am trying to build my life in the US. The place where I live now is 5310.8 miles away from my home city. I live my life the way I want to live it, and do my best to find my place. The last time I was on a date was four days ago. Just saying. Maybe you could at least invest in an iPhone and Grindr, mhm?

 

[LiveForLove]

Interesting post.

I love the whole It Gets Better Project because it gives hope to those who really need it. I believe it does get better for most people, but for some it doesn't, sadly.

 

[Nomenclature]

You know what, I agree with you about the IGB campaign; it certainly means well, and I dont' fault it for that, but I think the execution is lame at best.

From what i've seen, ,ost of those videos are people who come from privileged backgrounds saying "Don't worry! I'll just assume you're lucky and have your college paid for, and that you'll be able to move across the country to study and live as soon as you graduate high school!" It's like they completely ignore you if you're poor, or just aren't cut out for college, or aren't able to find work right away in this economy, etc. The majority of people watching those videos don't come from an upper class family, and I just wish that more videos would acknowledge that.





[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEoCyLQgdCU"]This[/ame] is, by far, the best IGB video.

 

[hackingnomberr]

You're 37, going on 38.
None of your friends are in your area.
You can't do the things you want in your area.
Move, based on your story I'm sure you haven't been blowing your money on much, so I'm sure you can relocate pretty easily. Not to mention there is obviously nothing holding you down.

 

[Vagabond]

You know, those people weren't born millionaire actors and musicians. They were born with an innate talent, sure. But what would that mean if they never made sacrifices, failures, and mistakes persuing their dreams of becoming successful? "It get's better" can mean more than coming out of the closet. For those people, life got better because they made it better. Our sexuality is only a fraction of our problems in life (or our pleasures).

To you Raven; you say you don't know any gay people? You know of thousands of them on this website. Don't have any gay friends? You have thousands of them on this website. Seperated by thousands of miles but united by one thing. And the best part of it is that we're all just a simple click away. Don't have to buy us all beers to talk about problems- you can do it while eating your morning Cheerios.

It gets better...if you make it better. Don't sell yourself short so quickly. You've already added a powerful weapon in your arsenal by posting here. An arsenal which you'll eventually use to CRUSH these petty problems and burry them beneath your feet. I know cuz I did it myself with the help of people who made it better for themselves.

If you hate where you are, why are you still there? What is holding you down? That's the first thing you have to figure out. (Hint: I already know the answer )

 

[thewiz]

The one thing that I have said in an earlier post is the beauty of JUB is it offers an opportunity to "Make Things Better."

I came to JUB "anonymously" at first. I knew I was gay when I was 12 and had a relationship with someone two years older until I was 18 or 20 and he was 22. At that time we both decided to "become straight." Our career path choices made no mistake -- you could not be gay. As a matter of fact, polygraph questions I would be asked sought to pinpoint "deviants" that might be trying to become police officers. Somehow I passed when asked if I was attracted to men. I guess it was the years of denial....

While I did marry and had two beautiful children, I cannot express the frustration and overwhelming guilt that accumulated over the 19 years I was married. I was not attracted physically to my now ex-wife; I could fantasize I was with a man and early on in the marriage was able to sexually perform. It became harder and harder to do and the children gave me an excuse to be "tired" and therefore not desire sexual relations.

I longed to hold a man. I was in mid-Michigan in a redneck town that had two known gays. They were known because they bought a party store and were as flamboyant as one could ever portray for gays. When they sold the store, they took out a full page ad in the local paper that basically thanked all of the "suckers" that came to their store to mock or somehow use them as jokes later. They admitted they played it to the hilt and were now retiring to Florida thanks to the homophobes!

There were no gay bars in my community; there were no nearby colleges and the Christian Reformed and Catholic Churches tried to ensure none would exist. Kent County, Michigan had even bought the buildings in which at least one gay bar operated at the urging of civic "leaders" so that the gay would go away.

I had no one to talk with; I was married, was a community leader and on numerous state and national boards. I knew I was gay yet could not even attempt to act on it.

It was through JUB that I began talking to some guys who helped me to not do what I saw as the only way out of my growing depression -- which was to somehow end my life. I am thankful I stumbled into this site and could find people like me -- 47 years old and looking at ending one life in some way and starting anew.

I was encouraged to go to Chicago which is about a three hour drive from my house. I used the excuse I was going to a Cubs game and told my ex-wife I needed to have a weekend to myself to think about our relationship which by that time was me living downstairs and she upstairs. We had not had sex in three years and put on the mask of a happy couple for family and social events. (Funny when I came out but my kids had long seen through the act).

I got to Boystown; I went to a bath house (what a surprise that was!) lol! I met several people and began to talk to them. I got a job offer out of the blue in Washington, DC of all places. I thought it would be another homophobe community but on a larger scale. Boy was I wrong.

I moved here not knowing anyone. I had not dated in 19 years nor even imagined if I would be attractive to other guys or attracted to what types. I found many friends by going out to clubs and interracting; getting involved with gay groups and playing in gay sports leagues.

It was funny but the straights I was friends with when I was in Michigan have come to learn I am gay. I guess it was the major news for a short period. Many I thought would be totally disowning have now looked me up and congratulated me or sent cards expressing support. One who I was very good friends with -- and who I thought would never accept -- made a point of coming to DC and telling me he was hurt that I couldn't have trusted him to be more of a friend. We both cried!

I didn't think it could get better; or at the very least would be miserable for what life I had left. But it CAN get better. It doesn't always but sometimes that is because of what we do not what fate brings.

Take a vacation. Go to a JUB meet. I've shown a number of JUBbers around DC when they visit. I'm sure there are other JUBbers that would do the same in other communities.

One never knows where they will find love or a boyfriend. I found my first in a bathhouse; I found my husband by accident when going out with a friend to "retro night" and just dancing and talking to some people. It is said life is full of surprises; it certainly is!

Good luck!

 

[number42]

I too think that you are missing the point, Raven. Kids getting bullied is horrible, and mostly they can't do anything about it. But as long as they stand up for themselves, it WILL get better for them. The idea is, that once you're out of high school, you choose your own friends. You choose your own environment.

Saying that you should stand up for yourself may seem simplistic, but as simple as it is, it's one of the hardest things to do. That doesn't mean it's not necessary.
You may say again that i don't know your situation, but let me explain where i came from and why i support the idea that changing your situation is the solution.

I grew up in Amsterdam (i'm not making my point with this, but read on), in a christian home. My parents are Jehovah's Witnesses, so it's fair to say that they are among the most strict religions around. My parents always taught me that i could only make them and god proud if i obeyed the bible. And i have lived as such until i was 16. That was when i had my first doubt. Upon further research, i found out it was all a lie and i had to get out of that religion. It took me 3 years to come to that conclusion.
When i was 19, i lived with my parents, pretended to still be a christian, had my study, all my friends were jehovah's witnesses, and no other social contact (my parents would forbid me social contact outside of jehovah's witnesses). But it wasn't working. It was the worst period of my life. I was unhappy. Everything i did, was not what i wanted. I could tell nobody i was gay, i knew exactly how they would react. Hell, i could not even say i didn't believe in god anymore, or i would be shunned. After a long time of trying to keep up appearances, i had enough of it. I realized that if i'm not happy, then nothing i had mattered. Friends, family, education, nothing had purpose if i was not happy.

So i abandoned it all.

I took a dive, i rented a room in a completely different city, put all my belongings in bags and cases, and simply left. I told my parents the whole above story when i had already moved out. In the weeks after, everyone i knew (they were ALL jehovah's witnesses) called me to ask me what i was doing and why i am doing it. They were always my friends, but after i told them i was gay and not believing in god anymore, the most sympathetic response i'd get is "well you know that means we can't see you anymore". One of them insisted that i'm only looking for sex, and that i'm following my desires. Eventually, all connections were lost.

I had nothing. I could barely sustain myself.
Slowly, i started everything again. I met new people, lived in 3 different houses until i found a place with nice roommates and started to build my life again. I have a new group of friends, now. I have work that i enjoy, friends that i love, and i'm dating every so often. My life isn't very awesome, i feel the empty hole my old friends and family left every day. I have night terrors, every day. But my situation now is a hundred times better than it was a year ago. I'm making progress. A year from now, it will be better. And better. And better.

I'm not alone. Thousands of other people did the same. When i had to take the step, it seemed like the biggest thing in the world and i would never have the courage to leave my life. The day after i made my decision, i felt happier than i ever felt. It was right.

You should consider starting over. There are people of your age who still go out, have wild weekends (if that's your thing) and go out dating. If you can't find them in your area, then you know what to do. Keep changing your situation until it suits your personality.

Take a leap of faith! Leave everything behind, that way you have nothing to lose. When you have nothing to lose, you can only build things up. And build them up exactly the way you want things to be.

Start over.