"Cheating" on a friends with benefit, caught too

[Charmander]

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361364

This is something of a continuation of another thread.

In September, I met this hottie. He was looking for sex, I said I liked sex, but prefer friends with benefits over fuck buds. We spent a couple days of the week going out for yogurt, dinner, playing sports (technically I was just watching him, but he let me putt the ball a little). It feels like we're dating/going steady, except we're both in the closet and have some hesitation

Then October, we still texted, but he claimed he was busy, and we just spend the whole month texting. I did grab dinner with him last week, he came over and helped me setup a shelf I got from Wal-Mart too.

Then I went and messed around with the guy in the above thread this past weekend. The other guy asked my ethnicity, said his only other guy of my race was ethnicity x, then I said I knew a guy of ethnicity x... He kept insisting on calling him over for a threesome, but I was freaked out, because I care about the other guy, even though I'm fucking around.

The way he was so pushy, I thought he was gonna eventually tell the guy I talked about earlier, so I went ahead and told him. He told me he was upset that I talked about him, he seemed more upset at that than the fact that I was messing around with someone else, though he did say that it did hurt. He also said since we're not official, whatever I do is my business...

Anyway, I was moody around work, people were asking me if I broke up with my girlfriend LOL. He said he didn't know what to think about me anymore. I felt like a fool that I messed around with this other jerk, when this guy is so nice, even though he was gone for a month.

After many apologies (expressing that I understood why he felt the way he did and that he was right to feel that way, I didn't mean to hurt him, etc), we did go out for Japanese later, we talked a little about the guy that we both messed around with, got over it, hung around Best Buy, Wal-Mart.

Yeah strange day, Sept guy was mostly upset I "talked" about him, I was upset because I was caught "cheating" lol. Man, love and sex in the closet is tough -_- I was scared we wouldn't be able to hang out like we used to, but we managed ok last night.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Charmander,

I am not totally sure what kind of question you would like to ask us, but it seems to me that being in the closet is one of your (and his?) main problems?

I mean, how do you see any further friendship with this guy? Are you indeed 100% sure that not a single girl will be aware that anything might be going on between you and him when she sees you together? You told us you spend quite alot of time together at (semi-)public areas, so a lot of -interested?- girls will also see you together with him.

So how about those people at your work? You told us:

Anyway, I was moody around work, people were asking me if I broke up with my girlfriend.

Towards my opinion, people at your work are aware what's going on with you. Who asked this question about your 'girlfriend'? A female? Any idea if this might just be some sort of 'probing' question (so to find out more about your sexual orientation)?

Do you have a history with girls / girlfriends? What's your age? Why you don't have a girlfriend? Girls / females will think about this, and will make a list of possible explanations. Are you a nice & friendly & smart & handsome etc. guy? So why does he has no girlfriend? Why? Girls (at your work) will not stop thinking about this question. gay?

'Yeah, you are right that I am moody, I have some relation issues with a guy / with X (name of a male), please excuse me that I am not 100%'. Then you are out.

What kind of problems you might encounter when it becomes obvious you are gay? You plan to stay in the closet forever? Why?

Best wishes & feel free to ask for further advise.

 

[Seasoned]

My short response is that you are living way too much in your head and therefore are missing out on real life. Planning, plotting, looking over your shoulder, over analyzing, fear of being found out can all become permanent even when you do come out. You are planting deep seated behaviors that can become habits. Why do you think that you're not entitled to freedom the same way other people are? That's something that I'd suggest you have to get over. Afterall, gay is just the other normal.

 

[paatreides]

Friends with Benefits and Fuck Buddy are basically the same thing. The main difference is the fuck buddy is only for getting your nuts off, the friend hangs out with you for other stuff (as you indicated).

Neither one should be seen as "exclusive" - I mean that's the whole point, isn't it? Otherwise, you are "dating" and it's a commited, monogamous relationship.

Bottom line is, you need to have discussions with both of them and answer that question for each other: Are we a couple? Are we FWB's? Or, are we fuck buddys?

 

[altlover85]

From now on, I wouldn't talk to this guy about any other guys you're seeing unless he asks. When I used to have FWB's, I was too open with one of them and it really strained things with that person.

There's no need to feel guilt about seeing someone else since you're not monogamous, although I can understand why you would have those feelings.

 

[Scottyboi]

On the contrary I think you guys should actually have a talk and decide whether you are going to be "monogamous friends with benefits" or not. I mean if he's this upset that you slept with someone else than he shouldn't be sleeping with anyone else either.

And if he's that upset about it than I'm more inclined to think its an attachment thing and not a sexual safety thing.

Honestly it rather sounds like what you guys have would be a relationship if it wasn't in the closet.

 

[Charmander]

Yeah, being in the closet sucks. I'm thinking of maybe coming out soon, after I transition from temp to perm, which should happen in a couple weeks after being on the job for less than half a year.

On the other hand, pretending to be straight, at least I think so, helps with being chummy with straight people, men especially, at work. The women anyway are always joking that I'm tired at work because of "that girlfriend of mine" (I'm 21, many of them are 40ish, though there's a good number of every age). One time I was asked about a sexy text I got, and I was asked if it was a guy or girl and I accidentally let my guard down and said I wasn't sure LOL

There is 1 lady at work that I'm close to, she got frustrated that I wouldn't tell her my "type" of girl, and flat out asked me if I liked guys (and said it was ok if I did), and I lied lol. It would be fun to come out to her, she has a kid, but playfully talks about touching girls and stuff lol so we would have something of an understanding.

I'm not especially concerned with single girls seeing me with guys. I've been caught twice with people I knew from high school, I still try and play it off like it's a "friend" lol. I actually had a girl that I didn't know at work say that she saw me at Walmart the other day (not with him). I'm just not one to go around being that gay guy. I figure some people already suspect at work, I'm always ambiguous about my preferences on girls (though I claim to not like guys lol).

People know me in the office to be smiling most of the time, so they can tell if something is wrong... I didn't even realize I looked moody, I didn't take the lady in the elevator's question to be probing, I think she thinks I have a girlfriend lol. I didn't even respond, I just said, "oh, do I look like there is something wrong with me" haha.

I have some friendly male coworkers, I don't know if they would even be friendly with me if I came out. I don't think they would want to be talking about hot guys. At least now, I can pretend to say, oh yeah, she's hot too lol.

Yeah, he did text me and said we didn't need to discuss whomever we messed around with. We probably would be a couple if we were both out. It is annoying that he plays sports and I don't do anything, but I like him with all of that stuff aside.

Just wanted an outlet. But yeah, I'll try and not feel guilty (though I shouldn't kiss and tell, which is what he really got upset about). And things would be easier if I was out, I'm considering it

 

[Charmander]

We all have sexual needs, it's hard when both of us have roommates. I've always came to his place at odd hours when his family is gone. He came by once to build me a shelf, I was getting a little frisky, playing some porn while he assembled, was shirtless... Then my roommate just busted in without knocking saying sup. Luckily he was clothed and I had pants on lol.

My manager is a 23 year old kid. He can be really douchey. He once was on my laptop while I was away and wrote in an IM window from my laptop to his username, "why do i like boys", and I was upset at that for a few hours lol... Also, one time, my boss said I wasn't a man because I knew what magenta was, I got mad at that too. He would be harassing me so much if I was officially gay. Even though we're kinda friends, since just me, him, and another coworkers, and maybe some other people go to happy hour every Monday, and we hung out one weekend.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Charmander,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply and for giving us some details about your current work situation.

Well, I tend to agree with you that having a permanent job over there is a good moment that you don't hide anymore that you are 'not into girls'. So only a few weeks that you can 'officially' open the closet.

I tend to think that alot of girls at your work like to talk with you and to be around you. Your nickname (Charmander) might be an indication that you are a charming young guy (you are 21), and you told us you like to smile alot.

I tend to concluse, based on both recent postings, that quite a few girls (and maybe also guys) have already identified you as a (probable) gay.

Hey man, do you really think that girls / female workmates make such kind of remarks about a 'possible boyfriend' to 100% straight guys? No way.

Besides that, its very likely that female co-workers will gossip with each other. Q: 'Do you think Charmander is gay?' A: "Likely, because (.....)" A: "Sure", etc.

My dear Charmander, you are gay, and alot of girls have already found out the truth about you. So no need anymore to pretend that you like hot girls, because they know that this is rubbish. Charmander likes hot guys!

You just say 'yes' to one of them (when they have a next 'vague' question, and then the rest will also know. Such news will go around like fire. And also male co-workers will be aware (eg cos the female co-workers will tell them). So then no need to sit down in a corner with them and talk to them 'ehhh'.

Or tell the lift lady. Ladies / girls with a new co-worker (and with no other people) in a lift will immediately start to judge this new guy. 'Do I need to be careful with him (for 'certain' reasons)? Ah, Charmander is a smiling gay, so no need to be afraid (etc.).'

So I don't see any troubles if you don't deny anymore. Way too much clues to cover up yourself anymore.

The game is over (or you have lost the game).

Best wishes & good luck.

 

[altlover85]

Slightly off topic, but Charmander is a Pokemon, from my knowledge.

http://pokemon.wikia.com/wiki/Charmander

As far as work goes, you don't have to be out, but even if you're out to a few people that can make things easier on you. I think it's smart to wait until you are permanent there.

At my last job, I wasn't really out to too many people, but they may have had an idea since I didn't have a girlfriend and was seeing my boyfriend at the time and taking trips with him, etc.

At my current job, it's a much friendlier place, so I tell who I want to tell. It's never been an issue and no one has flat out asked me if I'm gay either because I don't think most people care one way or the other.

Good luck with things and hopefully you'll be able to come out soon, at least to a few people. I think you'll feel better after you come out.

 

[Charmander]

I don't remember saying her asking if I had a boyfriend, I just remember responding to her question, "do i like guys", and I said no, and she only initiated that because I refused to tell her my type of girl.

I'm short, can be really shy/awkward, so those factors to some people can explain away my lack of a girlfriend.

I later explained to a straight dude friend of mine at work that I didn't want to divulge that information, because she would go around telling certain girls I might like them, or might go around and start fishing for compliments, asking if I was her type. One time, she asked me if she looked nice, because my boss was being a jerk and said I didn't like black girls and that I thought she had a pig nose or something. I was reluctant to compliment her, but I did...

Anyway, most guys would probably go ahead and divulge their type, I'm probably being too complicated. The intuitive people probably already suspect lol. I also profess my nonsexual love for the soft rapper Drake, talk about feeling hurt when someone jokingly makes fun of me, or lonely when a coworker's been out. Today, I bought the very gay Starbucks drink back to work. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to rock my purple dres shirt. I'm kind of straddling the fence now lol. Trying to ease my way out, don't want to just barge out the closet.

 

[altlover85]

What's the very gay Starbucks drink?

 

[Charmander]

I was being facetious, I felt a little gay going to Starbucks period lol. I was going to order a Frappucino, but they had a holiday ad for some holiday drinks. They all looked so delicious, especially with the whipped cream and the sprinkles. I got the Caramel Brule latte. It was good, but I didn't get the whipped cream... I was feeling moody yesterday, it did lift me a little though

 

[Ganoderma]

Altlover85 & Charmander, please excuse me for drawing a wrong conclusion about the nickname Charmander. I am not familiar to Pokemon, please excuse me for that.

I don't remember saying her asking if I had a boyfriend, I just remember responding to her question, "do i like guys", and I said no, and she only initiated that because I refused to tell her my type of girl.

Towards my humble opinion, girls don't ask such a question to REAL straight guys (whatever this means, and please excuse me for being offensive). No way. I tend to think that alot of girls like you (because you are a friendly and a smiling & a funny guy?), and thus wondering why you don't have a girlfriend?

I also have no clue about a very gay Starbuck's drink, and I still don't understand your explanation. Coffee = coffee. On the other hand, don't bother too much about it. Drink any coffee you like to drink (or take it with you to yor job) and don't bother what other people might think about it.

Take it easy at your job, and maybe follow the advise of altlover85. Being vague is often a very good clue for girls, especially (?) for guys like you? Or do things bit by bit, or go in a purple shirt or whatever. Apparently, you like a bit a mysterious guy?

Best wishes.

 

[Charmander]

Got my job offer today. So tempted to bust out the closet but I couldn't do it. I did rock my purple dress shirt, got a few comments on it, all positive, none insinuating about my sexuality.

I'm playing around with being comfortable at work. I was trying to play John Mayer in secret but got caught... I wouldn't even try to play Britney Spears at work though haha. This old guy taunts me by pretending to hit me with a stack of papers, and when he asks why I flinch when I haven't even been hit, I say I'm sensitive. I've also been going around playfully saying I'm going to cry or want to cry (bad job offer, being bullied by old man).

I smile mostly out of nervousness. I can't smile if I'm sad, so I guess I'm happy a lot... Sad a lot too :/ I don't remember saying anything about me being friendly (I try to be), or funny (I have an irreverent humor that I use to make up for the fact that I get picked on for my babyface).

Yeah, now that I think about it, you're right, if I was a ladie's man, macho, suave, they wouldn't ask. But I'm ambiguous, mysterious, vague. I do it on purpose sometimes, but I try not too in general. I got called out on it at the end of the day, about how I keep everything "on lock" from everybody (like how I didn't want to tell my supervisor who recommended me to go to a different department).

I don't know if I can just come out like a big parade... I think I'm going to just continue to show my soft side, maybe admit to it the next time I get asked point blank lolol

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Charmander,

Thanks for your update and congratulated that you got your job offer. Take your time to open yourself a bit more.

I tend to think that quite alot of people are already aware that there is something going on in the mind of this "ambiguous, mysterious and vague" co-worker in his "purple dress shirt".

Towards my opinion, you seem to work at a place with a lot of open-minded people? You might also start to wear an inconspicious bracelet with rainbow colours.

I would like to wish you a nice weekend.

 

[Charmander]

I'm in a cubicle where I can look to my left and there's no wall, a pretty girl is there, and behind me, I can see an old woman, a lady in her 30s/40s, and a flamboyant gay ?40 year old man.

I greet most everyone in my cubicle except for the flamboyant guy. I don't want to lead him on. Yet I feel so rude too... I need to work on somehow greeting him and forgetting that he's into guys. He's never said he's gay but it's pretty obvious, and he doesn't mind when people call him "girl" lol.

 

[AstareGod]

Mind if I butt in?

Charmander, sounds like you do work in a pretty open and accepting workplace. I just hope the usual workplace mischief isn't bordering on the side of harassment.

I was outed in middle school around 13 or 14 years old, so I didn't have much choice as to whether to come out slowly or have a big parade. But after graduating high school and moving to a new state to go to college, I finally got the chance to make those choices for myself. I found that usually the more educated and the younger someone is, the more likely they are to both accepting that you're gay and not caring one way or the other in particular. I've asked lots of people, and they've said they couldn't tell I was gay at first. I usually "come out" by mentioning something about my personal life or my opinion about something, but never explicitly saying that I'm gay (unless someone asks outright, at which point I'll answer them honestly). The things I talk about would be what any normally heterosexual person would talk about: a past or current relationship, or some celebrity they find attractive.

Without really knowing where you live, it's hard to know if the city or town where you live, or the people that you work with, would likely be accepting or not. How do they treat the 40 year old man you mentioned? Is the gay thing just unspoken? That's normally what happens to me after I come out: it's usually not spoken about ever again, just like someone's heterosexuality is not a hot topic. You come out, it's over with, and people move on to more interesting things.

I'd give that 40 year old man the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't sound threatening to me from how you've described him. It may help to have someone in-the-know at work.

 

[Charmander]

Yeah, I used to live with a bunch of hokey rednecks, I still work in Atlanta, the atmosphere is different though. Don't mean to be racist, but it's mostly black people in my department, a few Asians, and a few whites.

I guess it's unspoken about the 40 year old man. I did remember once this old lady said he wasn't a real man because he playfully is kind of rude to her, and I would have taken that personally... but he doesn't seem to mind.

So at my workplace, I felt really bullied my first few days/weeks, people were astounded by the novelty of my babyface, they said "who brought their kid to work", I look like I'm in high school, etc... So I took that to my advantage, and was like, if they can harass me, I can get away with stuff too.

I wrote on the riddle board, "rain on my head, call it _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _", the answer being brainstorming, in reference to the Kelly Rowland Motivation song. I had a manager, the one that asked if I liked guys, shocked, she said she couldn't believe I knew about sex and that I was dirty or something lol. It's ok, I can guage people's tolerance for that kind of stuff, the other day I said I was sad of the gloomy rain, she said it was perfect for cuddling, and I was like .

At happy hour once, she was trying to get me to say what I liked in a girl, and I said "I liked it all", it was kind of a double entendre.

Also, at a festival, I was asked did I get chicken or pork, I said I liked both, and giggled LOL.

And one time during lunch, this lady said if a man cheated on her with another man, she would feel something was wrong with her, while this man said it's something you can't change, and I tried to be cool, but I was looking down, being uncomfortable. Some could have perceived it as me being nervous about sex, someone else could have perceived it as something being too close to comfort.

BTW, a pretty face on a girl turns me on/confuses me, but there's not much beyond that... I think most people would say I'm gay if they knew, some might call me bi.

Anyway, my boss asked me a few weeks ago what I was doing for the weekend, and I said motorboating (another double entendre). I think I might go ahead and say I'll be sword fighting the next time I get asked hehehe

 

[altlover85]

Charmander, I think you're overanalyzing a lot.

I doubt anyone is going to be drawing conclusions about you being gay by you listening to John Mayer.

I also would simply say hi to the possibly gay guy at work. If he gets the wrong impression you can always set him straight in a nice and tactful way.

In general, people don't care about what you do or how you act nearly as much as you think they do. And when I say you, I mean it in the general sense.