Coming out letter to my mom. Would like to know what you think.

[Seasoned]

It sounds like you're in a good spot. You've been honest with her and she is apparently being her usual aloof self. It's sad but not tragic given your family history, your age and your independent life. How's your health?

 

[palbert]

It sounds like you are in a very self-positive place. All the best.

 

[jdcnow]

It sounds like you're in a good spot. You've been honest with her and she is apparently being her usual aloof self. It's sad but not tragic given your family history, your age and your independent life. How's your health?

Thanks. My health is good. The foot's doing better, as mentioned in my foot surgery thread in Hot Topics. This month of medical leave actually has me down 15 pounds since I've had the surgery and stayed at home almost everyday. I need to get in to see my therapist at my college once school starts back next month - oddly enough right when my job starts back, week after next. I'll be so glad to get back to my supermarket. I miss my coworkers and my boss. It'll be good to get to see them again. And I miss the hustle and bustle of my front-end. I'm going to enjoy getting back to that. I'm really craving the ultrafast, go-go-go pace.

 

[jdcnow]

It sounds like you are in a very self-positive place. All the best.

Thanks!

Yes, full-steam ahead. Fortunately, I deal with my mom's silence by the best way to solve most of life's problems...

 

[Deandbn]

Hi Jcd I have just read your thread. My personal opinion, you are one brave young man. Keep going in the good direction you have chosen my friend. It is all about self respect and it sounds like you are gaining it fast and that's great. You can be proud of your efforts.

Look and dress as smart and neat as you can, be polite and caring, stand up for yourself and do the best work you can.

 

[jdcnow]

Well, I have to give her a pass on this one. She was sleep and I found out from my brother that she's been sick. She would only answer my questions with grunts. So this a push - no win, no loss. I did leave a note behind...

Well, tonight's visit went the same way, actually, except that my brother was gone. Just her alone in the house asleep.

The dog (a Chihuahua) was awake though , but it doesn't take much for him, he's a light sleeper, especially when he hears something. I sat down for a bit in the living room, and he hopped up in my lap, climbed on top of me - his way of saying hello and asking to be picked up and held. He gave me his traditional big sloppy kisses, and he still knows how to fist bump like I taught him. He's getting old though, I can tell. He's still a very spry, active, uppy-jumpy little dog, but the fur on his face is turning white. I know she's had him for several years now, but I don't know exactly just how old the little guy is.

But back to my mom. I really don't know what to make of the situation, to tell you the truth.

On the one hand, at the last visit, she was sick - I was never told with what. At this visit, I came during the 7pm hour - as stated above, she works overnights/graveyard just like I do, and she normally sleeps until about 830pm. So, on the one hand, I do have to give her some slack (for lack of a better way to put it) for not getting up and seeing or speaking to me.

But on the other hand, at the last visit - weeks ago before my foot surgery, I left a paper note with my address and cell phone number, asking her to contact me if she wanted to. I have yet to hear back. At this visit, I came in and she saw that it was me, and reached for her phone to see what time it was. I told her it was me. I asked her how she was. Her answer was a very sleepy "I'm OK." I then asked her if she got the letter I sent her. I got back a sleepy grunt. /shrugs...

My mom is a 60-year old woman. And I don't know her health condition, if she's just fine, if she's sick, if she's got cancer, if she's dying, I don't know, I just don't because neither she nor my older brother will contact me, and they both live in the same house.

I posted on this forum last December at my 30th birthday, that it wasn't until I contacted her to remind her it's my birthday (running family inside joke that my brother and I both do actually have to literally remind her that it's our birthdays - she actually will forget), that turns out she's been in the hospital for almost a week with a MRSA infection, and I wasn't aware of any of this until I'd called down there wondering why she hadn't contacted me. And turns out, I wasn't going to be made aware of it either, I'd found out from my brother. Water is apparently thicker than blood. DNA means nothing.

In this situation, I don't know what to feel here. I don't know what I should feel here. Do I have the right to be mad, because of the times I've tried to reach out to her, and she still won't contact or talk to me? Or what?

I don't know, but I do know that I can't wait around forever. And I'm not going to. I'm 30, and have what's left of my youth to salvage and enjoy, and make forward progress with my career/professional goals and dreams.

 

[ElmosToe]

Boy,

You need to get out there and fuck like there's no tomorrow.

It sounds like your mother is just that type of person to seem indifferent and uncaring, like maybe she's too wrapped up in herself to be concerned with anything else. This is of course pure speculation, but I wouldn't take it personally as it sounds like you and your brother are familiar with this behavior.

I can tell you this much, moving here to the Midwest (coming from SoCal) has opened my eyes to this kind of behavior. I would still consider most of TX as part of the Midwest. From what I have seen, that same interaction you describe, I've seen it all over here. there is like a disconnect with genuine and sincere feelings for for each other. It really is sad. Most people here I've learned are very insecure, yet self-centered, passive-aggressive, and indifferent to the feelings or concerns of others unless it pertains to themselves.

Don't wait around for her blessing or approval or some reaction from her, just get out there and live. There is absolutely NOTHING holding you back from making friends or meeting that right dude who you want to share your life with.

If at some point in the future, say at Thanksgiving for example, your mom sees you holding hands and kissing a dude at the table and almost falls out of her chair from shock, then maybe it will snap her out of this bizarre inconsiderate behavior.

But one immediate thing you can do is make some platonic friends outside of work (inside is ok, too) It is better to deal with all this stuff you're going through if you have friends to lean on and who can be there to help cheer you on and support you. It is also easier to have a relationship when you have a separate set of friends to hang with so you're not only and always relying on your partner to do EVERYTHING with. Get some balance in your life with work, school and friends before your balls explode followed by your head.

You'd be surprised how a few close friendships can completely alleviate some stresses in your life and can help keep you sane.

Those are my 2 cents, fwiw. (I recycled a couple cans to get them...the cents, yay!)

 

[jdcnow]

@ElmosToe - Your humor is a true blessing, and thank you for it!

 

[bankside]

Yup. It's one thing to reach out your hand to lift her up. But no need to be dragged back.

All of us face fear of the unknown, even cowardice when faced with something outside our comfort zones. All of us have been young and struggled with that. Our parents have been young and struggled with that. Sometimes they come through like we did, sometimes not.

But asking people to show a little courage and face up to reality is nothing we haven't demanded of ourselves. It isn't cruel to expect our parents to be adults and show compassion, understanding, and respect for ourselves.