Coming out to my mother...help.

[Kigan2006]

Okay, basically all of my friends know that I'm gay. After the first one, I didn't have trouble telling the others. My aunt, who I am very close to, also knows.

My parents are divorced and I live with my mother. Of the two, she is more likely to be accepting of who I am. She has never had any trouble watching shows like Will and Grace, but TV isn't reality. TV isn't part of the family.

Now, for the fact that most of what she knows are stereotypes such as "gay guys have good fashion sense", she could have already guessed for all I know. She never shops for clothes without me, and won't even pick a nail color on her own. Still, guessing is different from knowing.

But I'm tired of hiding. I almost feel like I'm saying it is wrong by not telling her. I don't think she would disown me or anything, but I can't gauge her reaction. As good as I am at reading and analyzing people, I can't do that here. There are too many unknown factors.

So help me, because I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hiding and watching every step I make, but is the risk too great since I currently have nothing should she go to the extreme bad? I don't think she would, but the possibility is there.

To be honest, I'm a bit scared here.

 

[G-Lexington]

Fear is natural. We're all a bit worried when we give someone a reason to possibly turn against us, as remote as the possibility might be.

I PERSONALLY am not in favor of a big announcement. I prefer to keep things simple and natural. My thought being if you don't treat it like it's any big deal, your mother won't do so either. After all, being "out" just means being yourself. So the next time the situation comes up, take the step.

For instance, if she says, "Well, gays always have good fashion sense", you might say, "Well, yeah, *I* got that, but not all of us have it."

If she comments on a guy's good looks, say "Hm, I like guys with a bit more muscle on them."

If she asks if you find a girl pretty, say "She looks OK, but she's certainly not my type." And, when she asks why not, say "Well, she's female."

Obviously, you can tailor these answers to fit your comfort level and your own personality. And this approach might not seem like the right one to you. That's cool. But it seems to have worked well with me.

Lex

 

[rollex_2000]

I completely agree with G-Lexington. If you make big deal from it you will get a big deal reactions. Keep it simply.
Introduce it like it's a surprise for you that she didn't guess so far.

 

[rareboy]

Oh good lord, if she hasn't figured it out by now I can't imagine it is going to come as a huge surprise.

Give her some credit and fill her in on the truth. It will do you both good.

 

[Kigan2006]

I do know more now than I did when I posted that. I'm not so afraid now. I got some insight and confirmation. I guess I read the situation a lot better than I thought. And a lot of unknowns have been filled in.

I'm telling her tonight.

 

[G-Lexington]

Go for it. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Lex

 

[lonnie1]

How old are you? Are you 18 and a high school graduate or what? That would have an impact on the next step.

 

[Kigan2006]

I'm 19 and in college.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Mothers do not turn easily against their sons.
You love her, chances are she loves you without condition.
Therefore honest, openness and no secrets is the way to go.
Good luck.
Shep+

 

[Kigan2006]

Right now I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take all this back.

It is uncomfortable now, and it reading into the way the discussion went seemed to fit the feeling of dissapointment.

I didn't expect enthusiastic support, but I didn't expect that look of "Oh no...it's true." Like it was one of the worst things I could say.

She kept saying she loved me no matter what, and she loved me anyway. It felt like she was saying something was wrong but she loved me anyway and she still does love me.

I haven't felt actually bad about my sexuality for a long time, but right now I just want to be straight. I hate this feeling I have now.

It hurts. It frightens me a lot.

I just want to take it all back and erase it.

 

[pianoman331]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but give it some time. Your mother will come around and be supportive in time, especially since she surmised about your sexuality. It's good that she was not negative or angry. It will be a relief to you, that you will appreciate later, that you can be honest now.
Again, it's natural to feel bad if the response wasn't what you had hoped. I wish you the best.

 

[Rick18]

I'm sorry it was difficult for you. When I came out, I had the exact same feelings right after. I just wished that I could take it all back and go on living a lie, but you can't reverse what's already been said. Things eventually went back to feeling normal again, though. Just give it time and I'm sure things will turn out alright.

 

[Ekocteid]

I don't feel like it's necessary to "come out" to anyone. My sexuality shouldn't come up in my relationship with my Mother, ever ! Ugghhh Oedipus

I'm basically a queen but I have never felt it necessary to share my sexuality with anyone other than who I'm interested in romantically. I strongly feel that events like "coming out" are self-imposed. There's not a gay commandment that demands you to come out, dress a certain way, or even go to pride rallies. So do what feels right !

In short: Never feel pressured or guilted or obligation to do or say anything that you feel isn't you. =oD

 

[Kigan2006]

Well, that is true, and it is also true I'm regretting doing it right now. I seriously hoped for a second that I could buy a time machine at Wal-Mart as I wandered through there lol

I didn't feel it necessary...really...well, I guess I did. The hiding was tearing me up, but then again I'm feeling much more torn up now.

I mean, there is the fact that I am no longer limited in how I look for dates or when, but that is assuming she gets to the "Acceptance" stage of the process in a link in an above post. If she ever got to the point where she was all for it, wanting to go to support groups and such, extremely happy or elated or w/e wouldn't describe it. Right now, though, that seems like a so distant dream...and just that: a dream.

There is also the fact that I don't even want to face her when she gets up. I want to stay hidden away in my room all day, even considered taking sleeping pills before she gets home so I would be guaranteed not to be awake until after she goes to bed. But that is avoidance, and I guess there is really no point in that now.

I just...I need to see some friends of mine right now. One in particular who can talk to me in a way no one else does simply because of who he is. I know that will help, but the likely 8 hour wait is intense.

 

[tonyboy]

Right now I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take all this back.

It is uncomfortable now, and it reading into the way the discussion went seemed to fit the feeling of dissapointment.

I didn't expect enthusiastic support, but I didn't expect that look of "Oh no...it's true." Like it was one of the worst things I could say.

She kept saying she loved me no matter what, and she loved me anyway. It felt like she was saying something was wrong but she loved me anyway and she still does love me.

I haven't felt actually bad about my sexuality for a long time, but right now I just want to be straight. I hate this feeling I have now.

It hurts. It frightens me a lot.

I just want to take it all back and erase it.

Hey freind Kigan..... don't fret too much.
You're mom most likely knows already.
And really, you will only be telling you a bit more about yourself after all. What mom can resist that? You will still be the same person she has raised, known, and loved all these past years.
She sound like a fine woman, and she must be if she raised you.
If you feel that she doesn't want to hear your news, then don't tell her. No reason she needs to be confronted with it..... but that decision is yours man. None of us knows your mom like you do.
It may be scary and if that is someting you'd rather put off until later then do it later. No rule concerning when gay guys need to come out to their parents.
It's all up to you.
Best to you man. And I hope I hear how it all turns out.

 

[Kigan2006]

Thanks for that...but I think you misread. I told her. That was sort of the aftermath of my telling her.

You are right that she suspected, and apparantly she thought telling me of times she talked it over with people or asked one of my friends while drunk about it would help. That hurt too...I didn't want to know she'd been talking to people with concerns before I told her...

But anyway, the support I'm getting here is a tremendous help. Every new post helps me realize a little more that thigns will get better from here.

 

[G-Lexington]

Do NOT let "the look" overshadow the most important thing - that she said precisely the right thing. She said she still loved you no matter what. Several folks here would have done ANYTHING to have their parents say that. Next time you see her, if you haven't already, thank her for saying that. In fact, if you already did, thank her AGAIN for saying that. Because everything else pales in comparison.

"The look" can be caused by a lot of things. Some parents' minds immediately leap to a worst-case scenario, and they see their son in a dress or a bathhouse or your-favorite-negative-gay-stereotype-here. Some are still a bit behind the times, and equate "being gay" with "living in secrecy" or "being an outcast" - and nobody wants their child to be shunned.

Next step - give her time. Remain positive and upbeat. Be prepared to answer questions. Reassure her (if you need to) that she had nothing to do with this. Tell her that you're slowly coming to grips with being gay yourself, you feel a lot better now than when you first suspected (right?) and it gets easier as you get more used to it. And that'll be true of her, too.

Off-topic, but...

>>>I don't feel like it's necessary to "come out" to anyone. My sexuality shouldn't come up in my relationship with my Mother, ever !

Coming out isn't about tossing a rainbow sticker on your car. Coming out is about not living a lie. Being true to yourself in your dealings with others. No, I don't go to 7-11 and say, "One Slurpee for me, a homosexual." But when it comes up in conversations with people, I don't lie or play the "pronoun game".

"What'd you do for Christmas?"
"My boyfriend and I went to Florida."

Oedipus has nothing to do with this. I didn't come out to my parents as a "top" or as an oral sex fan. I came out to them as a homosexual. This has less to do with my sex life and more to do with my sexuality. To wit, "Hey, Mom, the people I'll be dating will be male. Please make a note of this." And my parents are extremely cool about it.

Lex

 

[mac_twck]

She will come around. Remember you have had a long time to live with the acceptance of who you are. She has had one day. Life will settle down and once your normal routine gets back in swing and she see that in reality nothing has changed....you are still the same person...it will cease to be awkward. She loves you and there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You are very lucky in that reguard.

Mac

 

[Kigan2006]

Well, when I talked to her over the phone she sounded perfectly fine...but that is over the phone, so who knows what will happen when she gets home.

We as a family have learned to take a lot of things in stride, so maybe the same applies. After all, we both tend to make things look ok when they aren't, so perhaps she can do that here too.

I don't know, but it is out of my hands now, so I've got to relax.

 

[rollex_2000]

I think you did a great job on this thing. The initial wave is gone.. expect one more 'depression' outburst from you mom in nearest future, but that will be it