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Coming Out to Straight Guys

subsonic

subsonic

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Volleyballer said:
I don't want them to change how they talk to me or how they interact with me. I feel like they'd try to be careful about what they say around me to avoid awkward moments. And I certainly don't want them to be worried or afraid that I could have feelings for them.
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There is a very simple solution to your problem: you just tell them exactly what you wrote here, that I've put in Bold. Simple as that. They might have to get accustomed to it in the beginning, but when it has all passed they will see that it changes nothing between you. When I told my best friend, she didn't know how to interact with me in the beginning and was careful about what she could and could not say. I just flat out told her, that nothing was changed between us and that she could talk and interact with me in the exact same way that she has always done. When I told her this, everything was fine..

Good luck to you!
 
TopherGF said:
I've actually had one or two who were uncomfortable or possibly even homophobic at first tell me that I was actually pretty cool, because I wasn't their expectation of what gay guys should be.
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This has happened to me as well more times than I can count.. And I find this remark so sad! It just goes to show, that the media is spreading the homophobia, by only portraying the stereotypical image of a gay guy. I think that if more people meet with gay guys who didn't fit this stereotypical bill, than there would be much less hate towards gay people in general. But that's just my view..
 
i came out to my straight best friend and nothing changed, except for the fact that I dont have to think twice before I say anything about sex. Plus, he points out guys for me to check out now too. it is so much more relaxing around him, I couldnt have asked for a better result. I just regret taking so long to do it. good luck when you do it!
 
My best friend is straight but my situation differs a little because I was friends with his girlfriend before him and I was out to her beforehand and she just applied pressure for him to be accepting. Ha! Not that he wasn't, of course.

Just be blunt and say it. Works best!
 
My best friend is straight. We've been best friends for about 40 years -since high school. I came out when I was in my late 30's. It didn't change anything. We've always been very close and (non-sexually) affectionate -still are. Most of my close friends are straight and none seem to care, furthermore they all accept my partner like family. I'm godfather to their sons and daughters and they trust me with their lives and vice-versa. My biggest regret is that I waited so long to come out and tried so hard to be straight for so long. But, the silver lining to that is that I met the most wonderful guy the 2nd guy I dated and we're together 14 years! That probably wouldn't have happened if I was out in my 20's. Be yourself or you won't enjoy the company you keep. Having close straight friends will also keep you sane, you need that kind of perspective in your life.
 
Think about what being in the closet does to you rather than what being out might do to them. Friendships ought to be about fairness and hiding isn't fair to you or them.
 
hi Volleyballer,

Welcome to this forum and feel free to ask any question over here. Somehow, I tend to think that you have already decided that its now time to tell your friends that you are gay. The friendship with them has grown, and 'girls' will be one of the topics you will discuss now and then with them. Am I right? So why keep hiding that you are not interested in 'girls' / keep avoiding this topic when talking with them?

Based on what you have told us, I tend to predict that telling them that you are gay will make the friendship more strong and better. And you can just tell them that you don't have feelings for them. So just tell them you are gay, and the sooner the better. In fact, right now you are pretending ('lying'?) to them that you are 'straight and single and looking around for a nice girlfriend'.

Any idea how they think about gay guys and items like same-sex marriage (etc)?

Good guys friends don't hide this kind of vital information towards each other. I tend to think that you are right now in a good mood ("Everything is great, I'm having so much fun") so good to set this step.

Good luck and feel free to react and/or ask for more details.

Best wishes.
 
You shouldn't poll around, feel the ground etc. Just go ahead and tell them. Obviously you'll be nervous, but the less you make a big deal out of it, the less they will think it's a big deal.

Both my best friends are straight guys. MOST of my friends are straight guys in general. Trust me, real friends not only accept you for who you are, but they also don't change the way they behave.

And btw, ridiculous as it sounds, if any of them makes a nervous "you're not crushing on me, are you?" joke, the instant response is a smirk and "just because you have a dick, doesn't mean I want it" :p
 
hi Volleyballer,

Thanks for your nice and friendly reply. I fully agree with #12 that you should just tell them the truth. What was the reaction of your siblings and cousins when you told them that you are gay? All of these siblings and cousins are girls?

Allmost of my friends are straight guys, and they are my friends because it is no issue for them if a guy is straight or gay. So how about your teammates (assuming you spend alot of time playing volleyball), do you also plan to tell them soon that you are gay?

Am I right that there will be more gay guys who play volleyball (and/ or are amidst your large group of sport mates)? So why do you hide to him (or to any other gay guy) that you are gay as well, and how do you think will it be possible for him to find you?

Hey man, just go ahead, tell your friends that you are gay, that this is not a big issue for you, and that they don't need to be secretive that 'Volleyballer' is gay.

Likely (?) some of your friends will have thought about the question why 'Volleyballer' (apparently a healthy and a nice guy) has no girlfriend, and seems not like it to discuss with them the topic 'girls'. Why? You don't seem to be a weirdo/wacko, you don't seem to be totally uninteresting for girls, you don't seem to have a problem to make friends easily, etc.

Please keep us informed, and feel free to react.


Good luck and best wishes.
 
hi Kien (ex -'Volleyballer'),

I tend to think that these two best friends of you are also liberal guys. Just be clear to them (but only when you think that it is appropriate) that you don't have 'special feelings' for them.

Great to read that you have decided to tell them today that you are gay. Yummie, I also like to eat frozen yoghurt.

Ah, so you are already aware that there are other gay guys amongst your fellow players. How are you aware that these guys are gay, are they open gays, and do you have any idea what's the -general- opinion of your straight team mates about these gay guys who also play volleyball? It seems to me that it would be good that your team mates (and the other sport mates) are aware what the reason why you don't have interest in 'girls'.

So I would like to wish you good luck when telling your best friends the news that you like guys (and that you are happy and relaxed and that it is no big deal for you that you like guys). Maybe they can even introduce you to other gay guys?

Once again, thanks for your nice and friendly answer.

Please keep us informed and feel free to ask any additional question.
 
Thanks for the reply, and sad to read that things did not went the way you had planned they should. I can imagine myself that you were very disappointed.

Hey man, try to solve this as soon as possible. So what's the next opportunity to tell your best friends that you like guys?

Or soon find a boyfriend, eg amongst one of the gay volleyballers. Then, alot of these 'problems' will be solved, as you can just do the same like your friend (i.e. take with you your boyfriend). That's the way how straight guys handle these kind of things (they just take with them their girlfriend).

I would like to wish you all the best. Feel free to react or to ask other questions.
 
Take any opportunity and do it, if plans aren't going the way you intend, just tell them that you'd like 5 minutes before you go somewhere else, or something. It REALLY just takes a couple of minutes.
Anyway, that's not what I intend to share here, I've got 3 stories for you (about my straight male friends), so you can see how it may go:

My best friend, with whom I've been friends since we were like 5 years-old feels kinda awkward about the topic, but he never says anything rude, he just tries to avoid it, because I get the feeling he's trying to understand "me" but doesn't know how. Anyway, one day we went partying, and I stayed at his place, and instead of sending me to the spare room (like he started doing just after I told him I'm gay) he offered me to stay on his room, on the same bed (just to sleep, nothing sexual, of course). He NEVER did that before, not even when we were kids, and I've come to know him and that's his way of telling me he's trying hard and he's made a commitment to understand and to keep things just as they were before. :)

Another one of my friends didn't react badly at all, but he definitely cut ties with me for somewhat like a month or two. After that time, he started to contact me again, and nowadays we talk freely about his girl-dates and my dude-dates, and everything is pretty much better, our relationship has gotten more sincere and fluent. I just had to let him have some space and understand what was going on. I'm so happy I came out to him, one of the best decisions I've ever made.

And the last one, he's been one of my dearest friends for many years now, and I was very afraid of coming out to him. When I did he told me he had no reason to dislike me, he doesn't judge me, he isn't biased or anything. But in the subsequent meetings I noticed he actually felt uncomfortable. I tried to talk it out, but he didn't let me. Anyway, in the end I realized that our relationship has changed while staying the same. Let me explain myself: we hang out exactly same, and we do the same things, but since we've got differing opinions about gay-marriage and some other "gay topics", we simply don't discuss them. It's like he tells me: I respect you, but I'm not crazy glad about you being gay. And for me... it's fair enough, I can't force people to like everything about me, but as long as they respect me it's totally fine.

So... let them absorb the news at first, eventually they'll show their true colors :) And remember, you can't force people to like you or your sexual orientation, you just hope they take you as you are :)

Good luck!

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST :s
 
I think it will be fine. If they are really your friends, they will be fine with it. Most of my male friends are straight males. Sadly, I'm one of those people who still struggles with having gay friends as in my experience, it usually ends poorly. Also my boyfriend cheated on me with his gay friends, thus confirming my probably irrational fears. I feel much more comfortable with my straight friends (how sad is that) so I bet that they are going to support you no matter what.
 
Hey!

So first I want to say congratulations on mustering the courage to tell your straight friends that you are gay. 95% of my guy friends are straight and each of them knows about me. I am bi so my experience isn't completely compatible but still has some relavant advice in my opinion.

I went to an all boys catholic high school where the majority of guys were straight. Many of them, during my senior year, I came out to and by then we were already close friends. There were those that were completely accepting and those that were a bit hesitant at first. Overall, each of them still remained my friend and nothing really changed. In fact, sexual jokes increased lol!

During college, I met a ton of new friends who were also very accepting even more than my high school ones. My best friend now was a star track runner and was proud of me. He went with me to Pride in LA and STL... He asks me how my love life is going and sex life too. We became even closer once I told him.

The only guys that I ever had a problem with were the super homophobic ones. Either one of two things happened: a) they began distancing themselves from me or b) they accepted me but only me. To explain the b... Recently I had a conversation with one of my super homophobic friends. We don't talk about me hooking up with guys or him with girls. Someone had asked if he would go to Pride with me and he responded, "I don't support that lifestyle." The person asked him why he was friends with me then. He responded, "I support him because he is a close friend but I don't support anyone else." That meant a lot to me that he would support me even if it went against his personal opinions.

I know that all of my straight friends would stand by me or stand up for me if I ever needed it. We are all very close and they mean a lot to me. They may never tell you that you do but trust me, you will be able to tell.
 
Off-topic - you know your friends better than me, obviously, but I'd not stand for that "but only you" bullshit. How would one justify that? Does he consider you more deserving if equal treatment? Does he think you're somehow "less gay" than others? That sounds so messed up...

My policy is - I don't have homophobic friends and that's that.
 
My experience has been mostly good - some surprise - things don't always go as you think they might - often actually

A good friend (or so I thought) who is uber liberal minded - basketball buddy - has his own business - smart - etc.
He has not been there for me - said that I had lied to him - basically he shunned me - he's cordial - but we're not friendly

another good friend - since grade school - was really cool about it at the time - but has somehow not been able to get together - always busy - I gave up

both instances really bothered me at the time - now, no biggie

the rest of my friends have been good or great - it's a whole new world

you just have to do it - and be ready for what comes

I think most of it will be good

good luck to you
 
chance1 said:
A good friend (or so I thought) who is uber liberal minded - basketball buddy - has his own business - smart - etc.
He has not been there for me -said that I had lied to him- basically he shunned me - he's cordial - but we're not friendly
Click to expand...

I don't know where that response comes from totally. I think part of it is a lack of understanding of the effect of the closet on people's mentalities, but I'm not completely sure.

Good luck, Kien! I know you can do this.
 
I don't think he thinks I am less deserving... I think he is one of those guys that stereotypes all gay and bisexuals. He won't give them a chance unless he already knows you. He knew me before I came out to him as bi. I had helped him through a lot during some years in high school. He judges books by their covers a little too much. I am working to change his attitute and it is slowly working.
 
I have came out to all my straight male friends. After I told them, in the same breath I would tell them that I am not in love with them or anything. They would say "oh ok," and then I would tell them the reason I am telling them is because since we are friends they should have the right to know. That and I didn't want to hide anything from them. I would also joke that I couldn't possibly be attracted to them. They then always ask "why!?" Then I just look at them and smile and just say "Well you have to like penis to!" I then explain that I want another guy who wants me- and since they aren't gay, then no worries. After drawing this distinction, I let them
know I understand they are straight and my friends and that is how I prefer them. I also offer boundaries since we are friends (not enter a bathroom together, change together, as not to create discomfort. Just so they know I have their interest at heart.)

I have had personally great luck and it has brought us closer. I also like to let them know they can ask me anything (some of their questions have actually been funny) and I make sure I am up front and honest answering the best I can. I even like to add humor after they are cool to make lite of the situation.

This is my take. Hope it helps!!! Good luck!
 
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