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Coming Out

RyanE23

RyanE23

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So I am gay. It's taken me a least 10 years to get okay with it. I was 13 when I first figured it out. But anyway I want to know a few things about coming out.

Mainlly, I want to know when the fear of rejection and abandonment (this might just be me) will go away when I come out to people.

Thank you for the help.

:)
 
Hi Ryan, and welcome to JUB. :wave:

The "fear of abandonment" should hopefully go away when/if you tell people and they don't abandon you.

When guys start coming out, there's a mixture of reactions. Some feel tentatively OK, but nervous (like, "OMG what did I just do?") but that fades in a few days. Some expect to feel a total sense of relief and elation, but don't. Instead, they feel somewhat queasy ("OMG what did I just do?"). Some do feel elated, and a great sense of relief.

What accounts for the differences? Individual differences and the circumstances under which you come out. Some have a hard coming out with difficult people and unpleasant reactions. Most come out to supportive people first, and it hopefully gives them confidence to come out to others.

In whatever case you're dealing with, good luck! Let us know how it's going and how you're doing.

Again, welcome! (*8*)
 
Eagle

Thanks! I'm surprised this got responded to so quickly! :)

My abandonment fears are part of being adopted, which I do know that there are other gay adoptees out in the world somewhere. I wonder if they are on here?

Thank you for the advice. I am going to try and tell my folks before this week is through. Hopefully I can do it. I'll update and let you know how it went.
 
Welcome to JUB!

It's something that can weigh on us before we come out. The fear that people's perceptions will change, and they'll reject us, or not love us as much. The good news is that people generally respond better than we expect (or fear), and the more people you come out to, the easier it gets. Eventually, you get to the point where saying "I'm gay" is as easy to say as your age. :)

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
Welcome to JUB!

It's something that can weigh on us before we come out. The fear that people's perceptions will change, and they'll reject us, or not love us as much. The good news is that people generally respond better than we expect (or fear), and the more people you come out to, the easier it gets. Eventually, you get to the point where saying "I'm gay" is as easy to say as your age. :)

Lex
Click to expand...

That's the point I am aiming for. And I loved Gargoyles when I was small. And I still do! :)
 
good luck bro wish ya all the best. still fighting that journey myself.
 
I think eagle said it pretty well. It depends on the people.

Abandonment happens sometimes to gay people. In a way that is like being orphaned. But people survive that. It is easier to survive when you realize it is only someone else's ignorance that allows them to opt out of your life, and not anything about you.
 
Well my goal is to tell my parents before the end of this week. And we will see where that goes. I'll try and update on here, and if I do, when I tell them. Thank you guys for all the advice. I'm glad there are places out (lol) there in the world like this one.
 
I was adopted, but I knew about it from an early age and have come to be more comfortable with it as time goes on. When I came out to friends I was nervous, but it helped me get more comfortable with how people would react. I came out to my parents during college, but they were some of the last people to know. It went okay and I'm glad I did it. It's helped me be open about my current relationship and not have to sneak around, which has helped the relationship out.

Good luck with coming out and if you need to chat, send me a PM.
 
altlover85 said:
I was adopted, but I knew about it from an early age and have come to be more comfortable with it as time goes on. When I came out to friends I was nervous, but it helped me get more comfortable with how people would react. I came out to my parents during college, but they were some of the last people to know. It went okay and I'm glad I did it. It's helped me be open about my current relationship and not have to sneak around, which has helped the relationship out.

Good luck with coming out and if you need to chat, send me a PM.
Click to expand...

Okay... that's kind of where I am at right now. I'm coming out to more people and that is opening me up a lot more. Which is a good thing. Do you think it would be better to tell them both or one at a time? :confused:
 
G-Lexington said:
It's something that can weigh on us before we come out. The fear that people's perceptions will change, and they'll reject us, or not love us as much.
Click to expand...

Agreed. And for the ones who do reject us, it is absolutely vital to remember:

1 >> It's not you who is doing anything wrong. The problem is with them.
2 >> If the people in your life reject you, frankly, it's their loss and someone else's gain. :)
3 >> No matter what, we are good, noble, honorable, and worthwhile people with talents and gifts that make us unique. Being gay doesn't detract from that. On the contrary: It adds to it.

Take care. ..|
 
Actually I have been rejected by at least one relative, and it was my loss too.

I also wouldn't change it for the world. I would rather lose being myself than win by feeding someone's prejudice with lies.

I'm sorry an idiot in my family rejected me, and it was a genetic relative too. The bridge is burnt, and I'm okay.
 
RyanE23 said:
Okay... that's kind of where I am at right now. I'm coming out to more people and that is opening me up a lot more. Which is a good thing. Do you think it would be better to tell them both or one at a time? :confused:
Click to expand...

It really depends on who you think will take it better and other family dynamics. We would need more information on your family in order to help you better.
 
Okay the deal with my folks is as follows:

1. They are not bad people, just ignorant. Meaning they really don't know.

2. They get most of their info from various "conservative" sources.

3. I'm pretty sure they think gay is a lifestyle choice.

4. And that gay people should "flaunt it".

5. I have no clue what that means/

6. They are baby boomers (valid point here), and they are stuck in the "we don't talk about things" type of parenting.

7. So I have repressed a lot of things, and naturally have a tough time opening up to people in real life. A combination of adoption issues, and self-esteem stuff.

That being said I do love them, but it's all of the snide remarks about people who aren't in line with their way of thinking that just bothers me.

I hope that helps things a bit. Thanks for being here guys. You have a lot of good advice.
 
RyanE23, are you living with them or financially dependent on them?
 
They may just say those things because they've been conditioned to.

Give them a chance. They'll probably take it somewhat badly at first, bu may come around.

But why put your life on hold because of their problems?
 
I was in the closet for over 10 years, I know what that fear is like. You said your parents seem to think that gay is a lifestyle choice...I think you need to be sincere to them about the fears you've had over the years, and make them aware that it was a difficult thing to deal with on your own. Anyone with common sense would know that nobody would "choose" to go through what you did.

The fear of rejection can be more painful than rejection itself. You need to live your life, and at least you will know where you stand with your parents after you come out. I think you will be fine though.

Let us know how it goes. If you need anything, feel free to send me a message.
 
I am living with them. So in a way dependent on them. Since I do not have much money to get a place on my own at the moment.
 
If you save some money so that if the worst happens and they kick you out (it does happen) you have a Plan B. If you plan for the worst and the worst doesn't happen, everything is cool. If you plan for the worst and the worst happens, you are prepared.
No matter what happens, their first reaction might be bad but remember it is only temporary! A lot of parents freak out at first and they go through their own "coming out" as parents of a gay son. Eventually they arrive at their own acceptance and most parents become loving, supportive and equality-minded.
 
RyanE23, do a cost-benefit analysis of this and decide if coming out is worth the risk. I think it probably is in this case as they seem more misguided than malicious. Regardless, saving money to fall back on is a good idea.
 
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