Confused

[mexamor]

Jordan, I am so glad everything is going so well for you. I can't imagine the drama from your gf's parents. I hope gf is doing well too, this must be hard on her. I hope work is going well also.

 

[Riverrick]

I'm glad you protected your son and put him first. He needs a safe home, one without conflict.

Usually I can figure out what is going on with people to some degree but I must admit that I am at a loss to understand your gf's parents. That they didn't soften after the baby was born is baffling.

And I do understand how nice it feels to have a baby lying on your chest asleep. You must feel so connected to him by now and so in love with him. I imagine you already miss him if you are away for a short while. I think ou are going to be a great dad Jordan.

 

[axeman_jordan]

Hey guys, hope everyone is doing well, as for me i am once again totally confused once again. My girlfriend this last few days has really been trying to get me to talk bout my dreams and my feelings and i am just totally clamming up and not really able to say anything. Then there was last night she wanted to talk and it was like i couldnt. I just sat there unable to say anything. Then she came over and whispered in my ear " no matter what i am not leaving you". And i know that shouldnt have freaked me out because i know she was trying to make me feel better and calm me down, but inside it totally freaked me out to the point i wasnt able to sleep last night. Everytime i close my eyes its just like my mind wont stop. I love her and my kid sooooooooo much and am feeling so guilty the last few days again. I dont want to lose them but my mind is so freakin confused i dont know what to do. Jordan

 

[Roland00]

Hugs

Jordan it scares you for this reason. Everything is going great right now. Life is perfect. But by thinking about your dreams and such you are admiting the possibility of change. You don't want change right now, you don't want to leave what feels "right."

You are afraid of change for it would be like sending a ship back out to sea, you are afraid of a maelstorm that would you destroy your ship snap it in two. Why do that when your ship is perfectly safe in the harbor?

Well Jordan I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your anixety is never going to disapear. If someone brings up a subject that is relating to your dreams and all that you mind is going to get super anixious and you are going to feel the need to clam up. You can't run away from your feelings, and you can't run away from your fears.

The only way to not become a mess and clam up, is to face your fears slowly, to face the causes of your anixiety slowly. Not too much at once, but not too little. You are going to experience them a little by a little, so you can build up a tolerance. This is similar to how kings for milleniua took small doses of poisons each day, barely any at first then slowly increasing the dosage, so that if they were poison via an assassin by poison they body would be immune to it for its used to it.





I am sorry Jordan, I don't have any real advice for you. Besides the fact I am here for you, able to give you a hug and make you feel like you aren't alone. This will help you pass the worst of the feelings of these experiences.

 

[Riverrick]

Hey Buddy!

Everything Roland says is spot on, as usual. The only thing I would add is that I think the anxiety is coming from your fear of your girlfriend knowing the truth about some of your innermost dreams and fantasies and, ultimately, of losing her, the baby, your family - everything - should this happen.

So of course you are terrified. That's your whole life and everyone you love that you would be losing.

You may want to just trust her eventually. Little by little. She sounds very trustworthy. She has already proved that she isn't scared off by your desires.

For now, I would explain to her that it is too nervewracking for you to tell her your innermost dreams and feelings. I mean, why should you? Being a couple doesn't mean you have to tell her your every thought and dream and feeling. So that's reasonable. Tell her that you love her and appreciate that she wants to be close to you and that you are doing your best. Then change the subject and move on.

And then maybe in a few months when you are more relaxed, try to let a little bit out to her. Whatever feels safe.


And remember one more thing. You can't lose your son over these issues. He's in your life to stay. Good luck!

 

[slobone]

Women always want men to talk about their feelings, because that's what they like to do. A lot of men aren't as comfortable with it as they are.

I would say, in your case be careful here. You've already told her you're bisexual, I'd leave it at that if I were you. I can't see anything to be gained by going into detail about it with her.

Other kinds of feelings might be a different story -- about your parents, her parents, the baby etc. There it might be helpful for the two of you to understand each other.

But the gay part, no, I'd say don't go there.

By the way, have you looked into counselling any more? I know you had a bad experience with the last one, but there must be other options. I think it would help you to have a trained, neutral third party you could really open up to. He/she might help you understand and deal with your anxiety. Just for you, I'm thinking, not couples counselling which would be a lot more complicated.

 

[Kulindahr]

She wouldn't believe you're gay, I don't think -- and neither do I.
You need honesty, but you don't need it all at once. Getting hit with a short burst from a fire hose can give you bruises and will definitely knock you off your feet, while getting the same amount of water from a yard sprinkler can even be pleasant. That often goes the same for opening up about things: slow, easy. If you mean to spend your life with her, honesty is a requirement -- but don't slam her with the fire hose.

 

[jockboy01]

Relax Jordan! All the advice here is good. I'd say you don't have to share with her thoughts/feelings/dreams that you aren't comfortable sharing... and I think she'd understand that.

You have to realize that sorting through all of this is going to take some time... a lot of time actually. It's not going to be an epiphany. It's not going to get sorted out today, tomorrow, this month... maybe even not this year. It's an ongoing process that unfortunately you just have to live through b/c all of life is that way... a process. So take a deep breath, enjoy your child. There's nothing but time to figure things out and you'll get there. And I still believe that the journey to figuring yourself out is a very personal one that nobody else will ever be able to fully share in.

 

[Kulindahr]

I'll second what Jockboy said, especially that about time -- except that I think eventually you need to tell her everything, if you're spending your life with her.

As for what justaguy said/asked: not every gay guy realizes it right off, nor entirely clearly. My view is that Jordan is bi -- and that can be even more confusing! A guy who is bi can first think he's straight, because he has that societally-approved attraction to gals... but then the attraction to guys catches him, and he may think he's gay... and back and forth, a situation not helped at all by a lot of gays who say there's no such thing as being bi (a VERY stupid position!) or treat them as second-class citizens.
But the physical attractions aren't the whole story; there's the romantic, and there Jordan has clearly shown he can be romantic with a female. Part of the confusion comes from there: he has the physical attraction to guys, but doesn't know if he could be romantically attracted... and meanwhile he's already pretty darned committed to a relationship.

If I'm getting you wrong here, Jordan, just holler! Meanwhile, take it slow: tell her a little bit that's eating at you, AND tell her it's not everything, but that you need time to be able to handle opening up completely -- with the sort of parents she has, I bet she'll understand that, no prob!

 

[axeman_jordan]

Hi guys, today was supposed to be my first day back at work, and i find myself too depressed to go anywhere, so i called in. My head is just getting more confused and while everyone seems to tell me that i just need to give things time to work out, it seems like the more time i give things the more i get confused and depressed. Seems like the only person i want to be around is my son, maybe its because he doesnt say anything to me or get me to try to talk, he just lays in my arms. My girlfriend is getting really aggrivated at me because i wont talk about anything and now is telling me that i must not find her attractive because she has been released from the doctor that she has no restrictions and i havent made any advances. She was coming onto me the other night and sorry but i just didnt want anything to do with it or actually anyone. I dont want you to think i dont love her, I am just soooo confused i dont want to make it more confusing right now. So i walked away and it made her feel totally unwanted. I just feel like running away from everyone and going to a place where noone knows me, dont know what good it would do but its how i feel. Jordan

 

[Kulindahr]

Dude, you should tell her just what you wrote here! DON'T bumble around silently; TALK to her!
Maybe even cry on her lap -- some chicks love that.

 

[colemanshs]

Jordan, I'm sorry that everything is so confusing for you right now. I'm pretty much trying to figure a lot of things out myself I just don't have the girlfriend and the baby. You are a very lucky man to have a girlfriend that is trying to be understanding. Let her know what's going on with you. It will probably make you feel a lot better about yourself just having it off of your chest. If she has been this understanding about it since you first mentioned it, then she probably won't freak out and she won't be hurt because she has known about your situationfor most of the time. Just sit down with her and have a heart to heart. She will understand and your son won't think any different of you. Good luck with everything.

 

[trawler69]

Jordan I'm so sorry about how you feel and also sorry that I can't really offer any usefull advice, having never been in the situation that you are in. As others have said to you in the past, your feelings and insecurities will come back to haunt you after the emotional upheaval of the birth of your son, Which I think you handled brilliantly by the way. Now you are suffering the emotional blackmail that a partner of any sex can apply and, understandably, you feel like running.

Based on your courage in the past can you not summon it up again to talk to her about your feelings? She knows they are there and is probably hoping the birth of your son may have changed them.

Running away, I feel, is the worst thing you can do. You allienate your son, his mother and also, potentially your family who have stood by you and also employed you. Is it worth losing all this?

I'm sorry again that I can't offer a solution just something to think about.

 

[jockboy01]

Sorry to hear that Jordan. My only advice is to try going back to work. Sometimes I've found that sitting around only makes things worse b/c it gives me more time to dwell on things that really aren't solvable right then and there. By being preoccupied with something else, you have a break from all of those thoughts and feelings for a bit and can make life a lot clearer and more enjoyable.

 

[Riverrick]

I agree with Jockboy. Go back to work. It will help. And give another therapist a try. You have nothing to lose by doing that.

One other idea is to see your family doctor. There might be another reason for your depression so its time to get him involved.

I'm really sorry to hear that things have been going so badly for you. I'm sure you feel very, very confused.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Jordan,

I dont want you to think i dont love her

Mate...theres love and theres love. Its obvious that you love your girlfriend and your son...only a fool would doubt that...your actions prove that beyond words. But that doesnt mean that you have to consummate that love physically to make it real. Its there in the way you care, provide and protect your family. I admire your strength and courage and the moral fortitude that you've shown all the way through this...its something I hope you're proud of.

Those morals right now are also the thing doing your head in. And you know what - thats ok mate. From day one the issue of your self discovery has always been out in the open with your girlfriend and yourself...that took strength and courage and honesty. You knew those feelings and questions remained unanswered even if she didnt...or didnt want to believe or thought she could change you...or maybe hoped that the birth of your child might make you change.

Mate...you cannot let yourself be pressured into being something you are not or are uncomfortable with. I know that you have a lot of discoveries to make and bridges to cross before even you know who and what will make you happy. But to deny that process and to submit yourself to the wishes of others will deny you, your girlfriend and more importantly your son the chance to benefit from the real you...

See mate for me thats the real crux of this to me. I read your posts and shake my head in disbelief at your courage values and strength...and then wonder just how much more you could be if you would give yourself the chance to be honest with yourself as well. I cant imagine the amazing parent and protector and provider you could be if you let yourself discover the real you.

I'm not saying your gay...or bi...or str8. But what I am saying is that if you dont throw off the external pressures at some stage mate and let yourself find out who you are...then you wont ever be who your kid deserves you to be.

A happy honest caring loving gay dad is far far better that a bitter resentful doubting father whos only reason for being around is obligation.

Its not cheating and not wrong to live your life a little for yourself Jordan. Its ok to continue to learn and to seek your own happiness too. The rules were laid down well before this started...you deserve ...and I mean deserve the chance for your own happiness too.

 

[Kulindahr]

Jordan, that above post reminded me of something. Find yourself a copy of a movie called "Meatballs". Watch it.
Down near the end there's a scene around the fireplace where things get a little crazy. They go into a chant.
Learn that chant. Apply it.

 

[M4P]

A happy honest caring loving gay dad is far far better that a bitter resentful doubting father whos only reason for being around is obligation.

Its not cheating and not wrong to live your life a little for yourself Jordan. Its ok to continue to learn and to seek your own happiness too. The rules were laid down well before this started...you deserve ...and I mean deserve the chance for your own happiness too.

Very well said But then I'd expect nothing less from tallguy297

You deserve to be happy and happiness will come from being honest and true to yourself and those you love

 

[axeman_jordan]

Well i think i just made a bigger mess outta everything. Last night my girlfriend started trying to talk to me about things again and i just exploded and let everything out. Yeah i know i already feel like a total ass but it was like i just fricken couldnt handle it any longer. So now my girlfriend as moved everything back into my spare bedroom and is telling me she is going apartment hunting monday. Not only that but she has told me the following she loved me but she was setting me free because she wasnt going to be the cause of my self destruction. She also told me she could handle the sexual rejection that had been going on but she couldnt handle the emotional rejection and that if i dont find out what makes me happy then i am going to self destruct. She said she didnt give a damn wether i was str8, gay, bi, or just confused, but that she was supposed to be the one i shared all my feelings with and i wasnt sharing anything.
said lately the only one i care about is my son. Then she told me she felt like she was not losing a bed partner but she was losing her soul mate and best friend and that it was killing her inside. She said she has no family anymore, that I was her only family and now i was taking that away from her,then she pushed me outta the way, and said your free jordan, and slammed the door. She got up this morning and said her and Hunter were going shopping and left. So i am setting here on the couch crying and thinking what a stupid mess of stuff i have made. Jordan

 

[Roland00]

Sorry Jordan

I would appologize to her, she is the mother of your son no matter what will happen, and she is your friend. Just let her know that you are still friends and you care about her feelings too. Just communicating will make her feel better, that is the thing she was protesting.

As for what else to do with your life, I don't know. But remember we are always here for you. If you want you can always talk with us