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Confused

Oh dear Jordan, you have fucked a bit haven't you? However you still have a chance to put this right and from the strength of character you have shown in the past you can do it.

It is so obvious that this girl loves you and wants you to share your feelings and problems with her. She has reacted really well to your past insecurities and has told you she doesn't care what your sexual preferences are.

Look at yourself now and ask yourself why you are not talking to her and driving her away. Now put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would react to your withdrawn and moody behaviour. How much it would hurt you that your best friend would not talk to you.

Think what you have got to lose: Your best friend and your son. You would also basically be proving her parents right despite your past efforts to be the good guy.

The only way you are going to sort this is with a very big appology and some honest frank discussions with her. You've done it before and you have have too much to lose not to do it again.

I know you have balls to do it from your past posts. So please swallow your pride and do it for the three of you.

(*8*)'s
 
Well, I don't think you've done anything wrong, Jordan. You are only doing the best you can. That much is very clear.

I'm worried about you, buddy. I don't know what your state of mind is right now but you may want to call a Help Line in the phone book for some immediate help.

I know you are very confused and mixed up. I also know you love your son and your gf and have been trying to keep the situation from spinning out of control. You must feel pretty helpless right now.

Keep talking to us Jordan. (*8*)
 
Jordan, I think both you and your girlfriend love each other very much. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Many of the guys on this forum have been in that situation.

Let her know that you weren't trying to shut her out, but rather trying not to hurt her. Explain that you know you didn't handle this well and that you ended up doing exactly what you were trying to avoid, hurting her. Make sure she understands that part of what was tearing you up was the thought of hurting her. Tell her that she is your best friend and you don't want that to change no matter what. Setting you free is an act of love. Even though she understands all this, it is only nature for her to feel hurt and rejected. Her whole world just changed and she will need some time to deal with it. I think you also understand that it wouldn't be fair to her to ask her to wait around well you figure out what makes you happy. Chances are that you won't be going back to her, because if that was right for you, you wouldn't have all these issues.

Take care of yourself. I think you will both be fine, it will just take a little time.
 
Hey Jordon,

Mate...there is nothing here that cant be resolved. Nothing has happened that can be worked out...but you need to open up...and you need to do it now.

Your girlfriend has given you the perfect chance to start a new and honest relationship with her, and the maybe the start of your new life. What shes shown you is that by hiding and denying you are not only hurting yourself but others too....and I know thats not who you are.

She can be one of the most important people in your life Jordan. She is and always will be - she is the mother of your child. But more than that she can be your friend and your confidant. Its not too late. You havent fucked it up - you havent fucked anything up. But you just might if you dont trust her and open up to her.

She sounds like she can accept (it wont be easy for her I'm sure but your openness and love for her will help) your situation. She knows your struggle perhaps better than anyone else. She has opened the door for you to let her share that struggle with you. Soulmates and friends dont have to be lovers. Emotional connections are hard to find mate...maybe shes the rock you need to help you get through this part of your life.

You have shown the most amazing courage and honour in the past Jordan. You have helped and stood by your girlfriend when lesser men would have run. Now its time to be a bigger man again. Ask for her help. Let her in. Let her share and let her find a new role in your life. She sure as hell doesnt have to leave and thats the first thing you need to tell her. It wont be easy for either of you to start with, but you guys just amaze me with the obvious compassion and strength you have for each other. Just open up to her...be humble and honest. Let her love you and support for who you are and what you can offer her (outside the bedroom). you deserve that support and comfort Jordan. You of all people deserve it.

This will only end up a mess if you let it Jordan...and I dont think you will. You're better than that - I know you are.
 
Good advice all, above me here!

Dude, the thing that sticks in my mind is "Jordan, you're free." And I keep thinking that if it was me, I'd catch her the next time you can, and say, "I don't want to be free -- I want to be yours".
 
Ok, this fairy tale nonsense people keep spouting is really annoying me.

I'm probably gonna get blasted for this one, but i really don't care, because it's my opinion and i think it's accurate.

[Abrasive anger provoking opinion]
Honestly, i didn't think it was ever going to work out b/w you and your "girlfriend". I think you're better off without her right now, and i think you need to do exactly what she said, and go and be free. Experiment and find out who you are personally, and sexually. Because what you have been doing obviously hasn't been working. I don't think you will ever be a "happy family" with her, and i think you know that.

I think it's time you start shedding a bit of the baggage that's been holding you back the last few months, and get out there and do the things you need to do to figure out where you stand as far as your sexuality, because lets face it, if you are gay, you're not going to end up marrying her and having a "family" with her anyway. If you discover you're not gay then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

None of this means to say u should stop being a father to your son. You can't and shouldn't. He should always remain a major priority. But it is my opinion that until you deal with your issues of sexuality, there is no chance of things working out with your "girlfriend", and you may find out through expirimentation that you don't want them to work out THAT WAY.
[/Abrasive anger provoking opinion]

Ok, now you may all feel free to bash me for my abrasive yet honest opinion.
 
provenlogic said:
Ok, this fairy tale nonsense people keep spouting is really annoying me.

I'm probably gonna get blasted for this one, but i really don't care, because it's my opinion and i think it's accurate.

[Abrasive anger provoking opinion]
Honestly, i didn't think it was ever going to work out b/w you and your "girlfriend". I think you're better off without her right now, and i think you need to do exactly what she said, and go and be free. Experiment and find out who you are personally, and sexually. Because what you have been doing obviously hasn't been working. I don't think you will ever be a "happy family" with her, and i think you know that.

I think it's time you start shedding a bit of the baggage that's been holding you back the last few months, and get out there and do the things you need to do to figure out where you stand as far as your sexuality, because lets face it, if you are gay, you're not going to end up marrying her and having a "family" with her anyway. If you discover you're not gay then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

None of this means to say u should stop being a father to your son. You can't and shouldn't. He should always remain a major priority. But it is my opinion that until you deal with your issues of sexuality, there is no chance of things working out with your "girlfriend", and you may find out through expirimentation that you don't want them to work out THAT WAY.
[/Abrasive anger provoking opinion]

Ok, now you may all feel free to bash me for my abrasive yet honest opinion.
Click to expand...



Well...I hate to admit it but I agree.

Jordon your at the crossroads of life again. There's no easy solution. You have to decide. What does your heart tell you to do?
 
Hey Axeman,first of all CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your son. I have read all your post's since I last posted, and I would still have the same advice for you. You need to get YOURSELF sorted out!!! You have to be true to yourself. I am speaking from experience here. I lived a lie for 13 years shacked up with a girl and had kids, ya for a while it was o:k but I was truly not happy.

You have been dealing with everyone else's problems but you have forgotten about yourself. I am not reccomending that you go out and have sex with a guy to figure it out but, get yourself a good therapist and work things out for yourself. Like I said in my previous post you seem like a very intelligent guy, but you are trying to please everybody else. It is time to start helping yourself! You can still be an amazing dad if you are gay! I am, my kids are with me now! You will be know help to anybody if you are not true to yourself.

You can't keep denying yourself, what you actually want in life.
 
Hey Jordan! I have been waiting to post a reply because I wanted to think about what to write to you and I also wanted to gauge everyone else's opinions on the subject.

I am not an expert in this area--hell, I'm not an expert in any area--but I will give you my opinion and then you can take it and everyone else's responses and make what you believe is the best decision.

I think you should be totally honest with her about your feelings. Make sure that she knows that you still love her, being the mother of your child, but you're still not sure where to go for now. You two can live very happy lives apart if that is what you both decide is best for your family.

Try not to live with her because you think it is best for Hunter; you will fail miserably if you aren't happy and you run the risk of ruining things between you and your girlfriend. The two of you can still be best friends.

I have a friend that got married, had two kids and then came out to his wife. They are divorced, she is remarried and he is partnered and they are still best friends to this day. Just be honest with her and things will work themselves out. Much luck.
 
Sorry to hear about the recent developments. The advice here so far is excellent.

I'd say you have two equally viable options. The first, is to be open and honest with her about your feelings and frustrations and what's going on. She seems like she would be very willing to listen and help you through it. It's obvious that she loves you and you love her. It's also obvious that you aren't in love with her. But I don't know if she is in love with you. But she sounds very reasonable and cares a lot about you and wants what's best for you no matter what.

The other option is to do as she says, put some distance between you two and figure things out. I would highly recommend a therapist... finding a good one is the key and I'm not sure how to assure that. I agree that you've been neglecting your problems while dealing with everybody else's and now it is time to start dealing with your own skeletons in the closet... whatever they happen to be. You could always be friends again with her later and keep your son in your life.

Only you can decipher which of these two options is best. But I really think putting everything off isn't helping anything at this point. It's obvious that it is getting to you and it is bothering her. And it's best to figure out who you are now so that when your son gets to know you, he can know the real you.

My thoughts and prayers really are with all of you through this difficult time.
 
Hi everyone its me again, your probabley wondering why i havent posted for a while, well i have been in the hospital and just got out like a day ago. I got totally upset and depressed and just stopped taking my medicines (ALL OF THEM) which isnt good because i have MS ( i know only some of you guys knew, but i guess now all of you do now), and after 2 days of not taking them the side effects started. I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me just figured hell i have lost my girlfriend by not being just totally honest with her so what do i have to lose by telling everyone the whole truth about me. Anyway i have spent the last 5 days in the hospital until yesterday. And yesterday i came home to the empty house that is now going to be the normal for me. My i guess you would call ex girlfriend is talking to me now but is refusing to get to close to me because she said i need to just figure out what i want so she is keeping her distance. She pretty much brings Hunter to see me and leaves with the hi , bye attitude no real conversations. When i try to talk to her now she pretty much tells me i need to find someone else to try to talk to because she feels like she isnt good enough. And the more i try to talk to her the more distant she is getting. And now i have my parents hounding me to find out what is wrong with me and why me and my girlfriend are broken up. Yeah i know what a mess, and to throw in even more of a mess i have noticed my girlfriends parents going to her place to see Hunter. So i guess everyones life is moving on but mine. My doc is making me go to a therapist now to " work out my problems". I keep saying problems what problems doc my life is "perfect". I know i guess now i have became a full fledged smart ass too. What a life!! they even have my mom coming over and watching me take my meds now so they know i am taking them. And then there is the holidays i havent bought thing number one for anyone and i guess its bad because the only person that i care if i buy for is my son. Well thats my update on my screwed up life. Jordan
 
Jordan, what a grueling week for you. You must be exhausted. Glad to hear that you are home and doing better physically at least. Thanks for trusting us with that info about you. Its nothing to be ashamed of, just a health concern. Lots of people deal with those in different shapes and sizes.

You gf sounds confused and like she is afraid of getting hurt. It must be frustrating for you to want to talk to her and have her pull away. I'll bet you are feeling a lot of loss right now. And probably very alone.

I am glad that you are going to be in counselling. I hope you have a better experience this time.

As for the holidays, I would just shop for your son this year. You have enough on your plate right now. Good luck!
 
Jordan,

I am sorry about everything you are going through but you can get through this. Right now all you need to worry about is yourself and making sure that your son has everything he needs. Even though he may not live with you, you still have a right as a father to see him and the responsibility as a daddy to make sure that his needs are met. His needs include you being healthy for him so take care of yourself! As was stated above, just get gifts for your son. No one else needs anything from you. You have no responsibilty to them.

Enjoy the holidays with your son. This is his first Christmas and he needs you to be there for him; no matter how little he is.

Take care of yourself.

David
 
Jordan, is there anyone both of you trust, you can go to as a mediator? It may sound crazy, but she would probably listen to someone else say the same things you're saying, but believe them while she's sort of shutting you out.
 
Jordan, My heart goes out to you. You are obviously a good, caring person who has many challenges going on in your life. It's clear that you love your son and he needs his father. Please take care of your health so that you will be around for a long time to take care of him. Given the circumstances, everyone will understand if you don't buy them a gift. As others have said, only worry about buying a gift for your son. I think your girlfriend just needs some time to deal with her emotions. I wish you all the best and have a Merry Christmas.
 
excuse me again for being blunt, but i think it's a blessing in disguise. After the holidays is the time for you to go out and expirement with your sexuality, it's what you want to do anyway. Beleive me when i say it's the only thing that's going to make things clear to you, which ever way you turn out ;). So if i were you, i'd go out and find a guy you like.
 
Beleive me when i say it's the only thing that's going to make things clear to you, which ever way you turn out
Click to expand...

Couldn't disagree more. His sexuality is an internal thing, not an external one. You don't have to sleep with anybody to figure it out and it likely will just confuse him more. Sorry to get on the :soapbox: again, but I get really annoyed when people give advice to the effect that experimenting with people is going to help them figure out who they are on the inside.
 
I'm gonna disagree... and agree.
I don't think that experimenting sexually is necessary, and might even be harmful. OTOH, experimenting short of sex could be a good thing. Discovering that it felt good to me to have a stud run his hands over me, stroke my forehead, play with my hair, was a major revelation to me. Discovering that while I enjoyed curling up with a gal for a nap, curling up with a good-looking, in-shape dude had its own pleasure and peacefulness, was another big eye-opener.
So some nights out to hang with gay guys, get some physical affection, even get sensual but not sexual, IMO would be a reasonable step.
 
I agree with Jockboy. Sucking on a few dicks isn't going to illuminate the path and it certainly will not solve any of your problems.

I think the most important thing for you is to get the external aspects of your life in order so that you'll have the necessary space to get on with your internal struggles.

You need to redefine the relationship with your ex-girlfriend and mother of your son. Your parents need to understand what the situation is, at least enough to get them off your case and if possible to be supportive of you. You need to get your health and career on track for many reasons, but also that you can be a father to your son.
 
I agree totaly with Jockboy here. Having sexual flings only will confuse the issue. Jordan needs time and space. And I'm not sure that GF in her hurtful way isn't trying to do. It doesn't sound to me like she is intentionly trying to hurt you Jordan. Not that the hurt is any less from unintentional hurt.
 
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