This post is just to get this situation out of my head and onto paper in hopes that I can vent a little. Alright, so here goes my story.
I'm 21 years old and im pretty bi-curious. I've never been with a guy before in my life and i've never admitted my curiousity to a soul (in person I guess would be more accurate). Actually, my curiousity about guys seems to be increasinging on a daily basis and the attraction to females seems to be fading. However, I have accepted this, but I am still in the closet with it and at this point in my life, it is not worth coming out just yet...at least I thought.
I work on a military base and am not Active Duty myself, but I do work side by side with Active Duty men and woman. I have never fallen this hard for a guy in my life. EVER. Only problem is, he is Active Duty. For those of you who don't know, the "dont ask, dont tell" rule isn't as accepting as they try to make it sound. I seem to have fallen so hard for this guy that I cannot think clearly when he is around and I look forward to just seeing him daily. I'm sure your all well aware of this feeling when you have this big of a crush on somebody. Anyways, let me explain a little more about our somewhat relationship...
We work in the same building and there is a mens bathroom about half way between our offices so we often pass eachother in the hallways or will cross paths in the bathroom. At first it started as a simple attraction and glance, but I began to notice that he would stare back. Now there is no doubt in my mind that he is not openly gay. Even if he is gay, there's no possible way that he'd admit it because of our jobs and him being Active Duty. So this is a shitty situation to be in. I havent spoken with him except the regular "hey" when crossing paths. But there is that certain chemistry that you have with other people when you stare them in the eyes and are truely attracted to them and you just know that they are thinking the same thing about you. So, I began to notice him more and more around the building and it seemed that we would run into eachother everywhere we went. During huge meetings i'd end up standing by him (not on purpose) coincidentally, or we be at the same briefing, etc. and everytime I'd see him try to casually scan the room and once he spots me, he would quickly turn away. The tension between us began to get more and more crazy the more we saw eachother around, yet we both get so nervous that we look away quickly and still havent gone any further than the casual "good morning" or whatever. I guess I am only speaking for myself when I say that we both get nervous, but it's pretty obvious that he is feeling the same way.
Now, like I said, I am totally in the closet with the door locked and im positive he's the same way. Although he is a little flamboyant. He is fairly new to the building and I've heard from a couple people that they think he's gay. His voice is very very soft and he is tall and lean. Iunno, he fits your typical gay stereotypes. I am not into these types of guys at all, but there is something different about him. Probably because I can tell so much about him just by looking into his eyes. It would be funny to say he dresses gay too, but I only see him in his uniform. So with all this evidence, I am still not convinced he is "gay" mostly because of my insecurities as well. I am a guys guy and my biggest fear would be to out myself to somebody (like him) only to find out he's not gay or in this case, claim he's not gay because of the fear that it would get out.
Anyways, back to the story. So I began seeing this guy everywhere. Even on my lunch break excercising or at the mini store on base, yet the tension between us is so thick, that you could cut it with a knife. So this whole relationship is based on 1 or 2 words and amazing eye sex. So one weekend, my brother and I go out of town to another town and go clubbing. Well, well, well....look who I run into! I was pretty drunk and he was pretty drunk too and we were both standing in line for the bar. We must have both been chillin and looking around and then all of a sudden we made eye contact at the same time. However, I believe the alcohol made us both a little bolder than we usually are at work because this time, we stared into eachothers eyes for (i kid you not) at least 7 or 8 seconds. Now count that in your head....7-8 seconds is a LONG ASS TIME. It was a deep constant stare and it was AMAZING. We finally broke out of our little trance and turned our backs to eachother to continue our conversations with our friends. A couple seconds later he turns around to me and says "do you work at [blah blah]?" and my drunk ass being the dick that I am said "no?". Then he stared me deep into the eyes again for about 2 or 3 seconds and said "im sorry, i must have gotten you mixed up with somebody else..." and then I responded with "HA kidding, yes I am". We did our little drunken laugh and I introduced him to my older brother and he introduced me to one of his friends that he was with. Up until this point in our lives we have never been formally introduced and never even knew eachothers names. I guess in all the nervousness and confusion, we forgot to formally introduce ourselves to eachother. So I didn't know his name at the time and he didn't know mine, yet we were introducing our friends. It's kind of silly. It doesn't matter because still to this day I do not remember what his friend looked like or what his friends name was because I was still on cloud 9 from the stare and shocked that I had run into him on weekends out of town at a club. Im sure he's the same way about my brother. We were both talking like "hey this is my buddy blah blah", however, we were still locking eyes. Anyways. I got my drink and convinced my brother we should take a shot. At that point in the night, I really needed one! haha. So we quickly disappear into the crowd and as I walked away from him, I just raised my beer in the air and said "later". I was kicking myself in the ass as we walked away for not saying more. I really wanted to just go back and start a conversation, but the nervousness got the best of me. Plus his airmen buddies were with him and my brother was with me. So my brother and I went to another club 2 doors down and I was scanning the crowd ALL NIGHT LONG looking for him. OMG I LOVE YOU JESUS FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE! Once again, we wind up by eachother at the bar. These random coincidental meet ups keep occuring and I don't know what to think of them! This time we were alone also and a lot more drunk. I yelled over his should "get the fuck out of my bar!" and he responded with "thats how I roll bitch!" and then got his drinks and walked away. He was totally kidding though. For the second time that night, I was kicking myself in the ass for not starting a conversation with him and I began scanning the crowds looking for him again also. I guess I only had 2 chances because I never saw him again.
I saw him the following monday locked outside of the building because he forgot his card so he waited for me to walk up and I let him in. We never mentioned the intense encounters that occured that weekend ever again and still to this day we have never said anything. We still cross paths all the time in the hallways, but stay silent. Also, don't forget, I do not know his name and he doesn't know mine which makes things even more awkward because I dont know anything about him. His age, his marital status, nothing. For all I know, he could be married or with a girlfriend, but i figured he was single because when I saw him at the bar he was alone and with guys. Active Duty members have their last on their uniform, but I never wanted to stare hard or long enough to read it. Finally i read his name last two days ago and I work with records so I looked him up in the system and found out he's single, never been married and hes 22. One year older than me. I know i know I totally abused my priviledges with record keeping, but this whole thing has been going on for maybe 3 or 4 months and it felt like I NEEDED to know.
Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that both me and him are deeply crushing on eachother (or as deep as you can be without having a conversation), yet we both have realized that we cannot express our feelings so we're both fighting to hold them in. That is the only excuse I can think of as to why me and him do not want to have a conversation. Also, even though I do know his first and last name, we haven't officially met and introduced ourselves yet so I cannot just walk up to him and say "hey {insert name}".
So that is my situation and everyday is sort of tough. Everytime i leave my office to run an errand in the building, I look forward to just seeing him and I assume he's the same way, but once we finally do see eachother, we act as if neither of us exist. The whole bar situation happened a little over a month ago and I've seen him plenty times since, so it would be totally awkward for me say something about it now since it happened so long ago. It's at the point now where were both pretty sure that were into eachother, but neither of us wants to make the first move or even initiate a conversation because that would only confirm what we think about eachother and in a sense, out ourselves. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to explain, but we've seen eachother for so long and the tension between us is so strong, yet we have never initiated a conversation because were scared of what the other person will think, but just by checking eachother out we can tell were both not straight. So by finally making a conversation this late would pretty much be a saying "yes im into you" and neither of us wants to do that unless we are 100% positive the other person is gay/bi. One would think that all of this is enough evidence to confirm that each of us is gay/bi, but being this deep in the closet and him and his job, you can imagine the fear in the back of both of our heads that maybe the other isnt gay/bi....
sorry, about the long detailed story. Getting all of this out and typing it up was actually pretty theraputic in a sense. Comments and suggestions are welcome, but it definitely helped me already and feels good to just get all of these feelings out of my head and vent a little.
I'm 21 years old and im pretty bi-curious. I've never been with a guy before in my life and i've never admitted my curiousity to a soul (in person I guess would be more accurate). Actually, my curiousity about guys seems to be increasinging on a daily basis and the attraction to females seems to be fading. However, I have accepted this, but I am still in the closet with it and at this point in my life, it is not worth coming out just yet...at least I thought.
I work on a military base and am not Active Duty myself, but I do work side by side with Active Duty men and woman. I have never fallen this hard for a guy in my life. EVER. Only problem is, he is Active Duty. For those of you who don't know, the "dont ask, dont tell" rule isn't as accepting as they try to make it sound. I seem to have fallen so hard for this guy that I cannot think clearly when he is around and I look forward to just seeing him daily. I'm sure your all well aware of this feeling when you have this big of a crush on somebody. Anyways, let me explain a little more about our somewhat relationship...
We work in the same building and there is a mens bathroom about half way between our offices so we often pass eachother in the hallways or will cross paths in the bathroom. At first it started as a simple attraction and glance, but I began to notice that he would stare back. Now there is no doubt in my mind that he is not openly gay. Even if he is gay, there's no possible way that he'd admit it because of our jobs and him being Active Duty. So this is a shitty situation to be in. I havent spoken with him except the regular "hey" when crossing paths. But there is that certain chemistry that you have with other people when you stare them in the eyes and are truely attracted to them and you just know that they are thinking the same thing about you. So, I began to notice him more and more around the building and it seemed that we would run into eachother everywhere we went. During huge meetings i'd end up standing by him (not on purpose) coincidentally, or we be at the same briefing, etc. and everytime I'd see him try to casually scan the room and once he spots me, he would quickly turn away. The tension between us began to get more and more crazy the more we saw eachother around, yet we both get so nervous that we look away quickly and still havent gone any further than the casual "good morning" or whatever. I guess I am only speaking for myself when I say that we both get nervous, but it's pretty obvious that he is feeling the same way.
Now, like I said, I am totally in the closet with the door locked and im positive he's the same way. Although he is a little flamboyant. He is fairly new to the building and I've heard from a couple people that they think he's gay. His voice is very very soft and he is tall and lean. Iunno, he fits your typical gay stereotypes. I am not into these types of guys at all, but there is something different about him. Probably because I can tell so much about him just by looking into his eyes. It would be funny to say he dresses gay too, but I only see him in his uniform. So with all this evidence, I am still not convinced he is "gay" mostly because of my insecurities as well. I am a guys guy and my biggest fear would be to out myself to somebody (like him) only to find out he's not gay or in this case, claim he's not gay because of the fear that it would get out.
Anyways, back to the story. So I began seeing this guy everywhere. Even on my lunch break excercising or at the mini store on base, yet the tension between us is so thick, that you could cut it with a knife. So this whole relationship is based on 1 or 2 words and amazing eye sex. So one weekend, my brother and I go out of town to another town and go clubbing. Well, well, well....look who I run into! I was pretty drunk and he was pretty drunk too and we were both standing in line for the bar. We must have both been chillin and looking around and then all of a sudden we made eye contact at the same time. However, I believe the alcohol made us both a little bolder than we usually are at work because this time, we stared into eachothers eyes for (i kid you not) at least 7 or 8 seconds. Now count that in your head....7-8 seconds is a LONG ASS TIME. It was a deep constant stare and it was AMAZING. We finally broke out of our little trance and turned our backs to eachother to continue our conversations with our friends. A couple seconds later he turns around to me and says "do you work at [blah blah]?" and my drunk ass being the dick that I am said "no?". Then he stared me deep into the eyes again for about 2 or 3 seconds and said "im sorry, i must have gotten you mixed up with somebody else..." and then I responded with "HA kidding, yes I am". We did our little drunken laugh and I introduced him to my older brother and he introduced me to one of his friends that he was with. Up until this point in our lives we have never been formally introduced and never even knew eachothers names. I guess in all the nervousness and confusion, we forgot to formally introduce ourselves to eachother. So I didn't know his name at the time and he didn't know mine, yet we were introducing our friends. It's kind of silly. It doesn't matter because still to this day I do not remember what his friend looked like or what his friends name was because I was still on cloud 9 from the stare and shocked that I had run into him on weekends out of town at a club. Im sure he's the same way about my brother. We were both talking like "hey this is my buddy blah blah", however, we were still locking eyes. Anyways. I got my drink and convinced my brother we should take a shot. At that point in the night, I really needed one! haha. So we quickly disappear into the crowd and as I walked away from him, I just raised my beer in the air and said "later". I was kicking myself in the ass as we walked away for not saying more. I really wanted to just go back and start a conversation, but the nervousness got the best of me. Plus his airmen buddies were with him and my brother was with me. So my brother and I went to another club 2 doors down and I was scanning the crowd ALL NIGHT LONG looking for him. OMG I LOVE YOU JESUS FOR GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE! Once again, we wind up by eachother at the bar. These random coincidental meet ups keep occuring and I don't know what to think of them! This time we were alone also and a lot more drunk. I yelled over his should "get the fuck out of my bar!" and he responded with "thats how I roll bitch!" and then got his drinks and walked away. He was totally kidding though. For the second time that night, I was kicking myself in the ass for not starting a conversation with him and I began scanning the crowds looking for him again also. I guess I only had 2 chances because I never saw him again.
I saw him the following monday locked outside of the building because he forgot his card so he waited for me to walk up and I let him in. We never mentioned the intense encounters that occured that weekend ever again and still to this day we have never said anything. We still cross paths all the time in the hallways, but stay silent. Also, don't forget, I do not know his name and he doesn't know mine which makes things even more awkward because I dont know anything about him. His age, his marital status, nothing. For all I know, he could be married or with a girlfriend, but i figured he was single because when I saw him at the bar he was alone and with guys. Active Duty members have their last on their uniform, but I never wanted to stare hard or long enough to read it. Finally i read his name last two days ago and I work with records so I looked him up in the system and found out he's single, never been married and hes 22. One year older than me. I know i know I totally abused my priviledges with record keeping, but this whole thing has been going on for maybe 3 or 4 months and it felt like I NEEDED to know.
Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that both me and him are deeply crushing on eachother (or as deep as you can be without having a conversation), yet we both have realized that we cannot express our feelings so we're both fighting to hold them in. That is the only excuse I can think of as to why me and him do not want to have a conversation. Also, even though I do know his first and last name, we haven't officially met and introduced ourselves yet so I cannot just walk up to him and say "hey {insert name}".
So that is my situation and everyday is sort of tough. Everytime i leave my office to run an errand in the building, I look forward to just seeing him and I assume he's the same way, but once we finally do see eachother, we act as if neither of us exist. The whole bar situation happened a little over a month ago and I've seen him plenty times since, so it would be totally awkward for me say something about it now since it happened so long ago. It's at the point now where were both pretty sure that were into eachother, but neither of us wants to make the first move or even initiate a conversation because that would only confirm what we think about eachother and in a sense, out ourselves. Do you know what I mean? It's hard to explain, but we've seen eachother for so long and the tension between us is so strong, yet we have never initiated a conversation because were scared of what the other person will think, but just by checking eachother out we can tell were both not straight. So by finally making a conversation this late would pretty much be a saying "yes im into you" and neither of us wants to do that unless we are 100% positive the other person is gay/bi. One would think that all of this is enough evidence to confirm that each of us is gay/bi, but being this deep in the closet and him and his job, you can imagine the fear in the back of both of our heads that maybe the other isnt gay/bi....
sorry, about the long detailed story. Getting all of this out and typing it up was actually pretty theraputic in a sense. Comments and suggestions are welcome, but it definitely helped me already and feels good to just get all of these feelings out of my head and vent a little.
](/images/smilies/bang.gif "Brick wall ](*,)")
