costoricko
Virgin
Dude! This story is AWESOME! I totally love the story line! Can't wait for the next installment of the story!
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Define Love
- Thread starter irishinvader
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harry113
JUB Addict
Thanks Irish. Great chapter.
Daniel has so much on his mind, I hope he can work it through ok
More please
Harry
Daniel has so much on his mind, I hope he can work it through ok
More please
Harry
LukiusCurtiss
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Again, a great chapter! The internal conflict you depicted in Daniel was very realistic; he could not face what he realized head on but instead blamed his new found friend. Can't wait for the next chapter!
littletosay
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Great story. looking forward to the continuation.
Endlessnight500
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Another GREAT installment. I still cant wait till they meet up again. The meeting with the proffessor was great, I hope he does see her more often. Thanks continuing to write for us!
irishinvader
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Hey there everyone! So I just wanted to let you all know I've been thinking about you and I've been working on the next installment. For those of you who enjoy the dialogue between Daniel and Hunter, you'll enjoy the next chapter a lot. I'm about halfway done with it and I'll have it up very soon, I've kept you all waiting too long already. But there have been some reasons why I haven't been able to update recently.
With my mom gone last week on vacation, it was only my dad and I in the house and I was too furious to be able to spend the entire holiday weekend with him. So i tried making plans to get away, I tried visiting friends from Connecticut but the plans fell through. Then I tried making plans to visit friends from Maryland which also fell through. So rather than risking blowing up at my financial support for college aka my dad I just told him I was going to Maryland anyway. I just couldn't put myself in a daily situation of having to be around him all the time. So I tagged along with a friend down to the New Jersey shore (I live in NJ) for Friday, stayed at my friend Kyle's house Friday night who lives by me and stayed with my sister for the 4th. I went back home on Sunday afternoon and it was pretty awkward. Then my dad said we could go see the broadway show "next to normal" (I'm kind of a theater geek but for a guy who doesn't want his son to be bi, taking him to a broadway show doesn't seem like a good idea) But it actually turned out pretty decently because I had enough time to cool down. If you have the chance to, GO SEE NEXT TO NORMAL IT IS SOOOOO GOOOD. Then my mom came back home and I thought things would settle down. I went to my older sister's house (I have three older) to tell her about my sexuality and I knew she would be supportive. THEN THIS MORNING, I wake up and find I have an email from my mother "thoughts". I'd like to share this email with all of you.
Dear Johnathan,
I am writing because I don't know how else to tell you the things that are on my heart. I hope you will hear me out as I love you more than you can imagine. Since you had your talk with Daddy I have been praying and reading my devotional and the Bible as I try to everyday. However, I asked God to show me what He had to say about the situation in his Word. The following is what I learned over a period of six consecutive days. Day one was a scripture I came across in some other reading that I did. On the following five days I prayed and just opened the Bible to the sciptures that I will show you...I did not search for them, just opened the Bible to them. The first day's scripture was Corinthians 6:9-11. Here Paul says "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male postitutes nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God." Clearly, homosexual relations is not part of God's plan for humanity, but those whoabandon it are able to be brought into a right relationship with Him.
Day two's scripture was Lamantations 5. Here Jeremiah laments what has happened to his people and his culture as a result of their sin and he pleads with God to "restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return" (verse21) and declares that "Your throne endures from generation to genereation." (verse 19). Our culture is way off base and leads us away from God, not toward Him.
Day three I expected to open my Bible to the New Testament, but it fell open to Ezekial 3. I almost closed it, but took a glance at it first. Here God says "I am sending you to your own people, people who understand your language." (verse 4-5 paraphrased). In verse 11 He says " go to them and say "This is what the Sovereign Lord says,whether they listen or fail to listen." "..If you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself (Verse18-19) But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning and you will have saved yourself." (Verse 21) It seemed clear to me that those verses, in conjunction with the First Corinth ian verses, mean that I need to warn you to reject homosexuality.
Day four I opened my Bible to Ephesians 2. "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kindom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, were were by nature objects of wrath. but because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions...it is by grace you have been saved." (verses 1-4) We must not give in to gratifying our sinful cravings. God will help us to reject them if we choose to walk daily with Him.
Day five 2 Corinthians 5:10 jumped out at me as I was reading "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." We should not decieve ourselves into thinking that there is no judgement day, np ultimate consequence.
Day six I ope ned to James 4:6-10 "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up."
My dearest Johnathan, what I have taught you about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the Bible is the truth. Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no man comes to the Father, but by me." Our culture has succeeded in redefining truth as relative. You have studied enough logic to know that is impossible. God's Word is the truth. God and his Word have stayed consistant and true for thousands of years. If you read the Bible from cover to cover and you'll see how what was begun in Genesis continues to be played out.
Each person struggles with their personal "vices" or desires to live wrongly. Because many in our culture have decided that certain of these vices is not really sin does not negate the fact that they are sin. Homosexuality is wrong, it is not natural, it is not God's plan for anyone, including you. God's=2 0eternal rules of consequences and his overwhelming desire for you to turn from a wrong path (by experiencing the negative consequences of wrong choices) will play out should you decide to succumb. He will stop at nothing to get you to turn away from sin, but, if you insist He will allow you the freedom to stay with a sinful lifestyle and suffer its physical, emotional and spiritual consequences. If I have not explained myself clearly to you, please tell me. I know you need to figure this out for yourself, but a wise person seeks godly counsel. I have lived long enough and made enough bad decisions myself to know what I am talking about. Reject homosexuality/bi-sexuality. It will come to no good end if you do not. My devotional for today said "you have to will to be faithful." You must "Choose for yourself this day whom you will serve..." (Joshua 24:15). God is faithful and will give you his answers as you sincerely seek them from his Word and godly people. I assume it will be difficult to reject something to which you are attracted, but it is not impossible. "With God all things are possible." Daddy and I will go to the ends of the earth to help you. There are groups and counselors who will also help you, but you have to choose. I beg you to choose God's way. Choose rightly and you will be blessed beyond anything you can imagine. I love you so much, Mom
And now you can all see exactly what I'm dealing with here. I'd also like to read the comment given about homosexuality from the "extreme teen bible" my mom got for me a while back. "In the Old Testament and again in the New Testament, God calls homosexuality a sin that is disgusting to him. Sin always has its consequences. With homosexuality comes guilt, emotional scars, condemnation and possibly disease and death - not to meantion how it can impact the people around a person." I read this bunch of bullshit and almost threw out the whole fucking book. The only guilt and emotional scars come from the bastards who don't fucking follow the teachings of the Bible to not be judgmental and to be caring even towards the people who don't deserve it. Honestly, the more and more I hear the religious aspect of all of this that has been tearing me apart, I fucking hate it because it's telling me I'm wrong for reasons that make NO FUCKING SENSE. It doesn't make any damn sense why they are saying it's wrong. And despite all the research done by psychologists that PROVES sexuality isn't a choice and that it's an indentity, Focus on the Family just says that the main psychological association is just a left wing puppet used to expand the liberal agenda. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LIBERAL AGENDA ANYWAY????
Anyway...I'm done ranting and raving. I'm going to go talk some people at the episcopal church and see what happens. I'll have the next chapter up soon, hopefully by tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your support through all of this because this is the one of the few things that makes sense. Bye!!
With my mom gone last week on vacation, it was only my dad and I in the house and I was too furious to be able to spend the entire holiday weekend with him. So i tried making plans to get away, I tried visiting friends from Connecticut but the plans fell through. Then I tried making plans to visit friends from Maryland which also fell through. So rather than risking blowing up at my financial support for college aka my dad I just told him I was going to Maryland anyway. I just couldn't put myself in a daily situation of having to be around him all the time. So I tagged along with a friend down to the New Jersey shore (I live in NJ) for Friday, stayed at my friend Kyle's house Friday night who lives by me and stayed with my sister for the 4th. I went back home on Sunday afternoon and it was pretty awkward. Then my dad said we could go see the broadway show "next to normal" (I'm kind of a theater geek but for a guy who doesn't want his son to be bi, taking him to a broadway show doesn't seem like a good idea) But it actually turned out pretty decently because I had enough time to cool down. If you have the chance to, GO SEE NEXT TO NORMAL IT IS SOOOOO GOOOD. Then my mom came back home and I thought things would settle down. I went to my older sister's house (I have three older) to tell her about my sexuality and I knew she would be supportive. THEN THIS MORNING, I wake up and find I have an email from my mother "thoughts". I'd like to share this email with all of you.
Dear Johnathan,
I am writing because I don't know how else to tell you the things that are on my heart. I hope you will hear me out as I love you more than you can imagine. Since you had your talk with Daddy I have been praying and reading my devotional and the Bible as I try to everyday. However, I asked God to show me what He had to say about the situation in his Word. The following is what I learned over a period of six consecutive days. Day one was a scripture I came across in some other reading that I did. On the following five days I prayed and just opened the Bible to the sciptures that I will show you...I did not search for them, just opened the Bible to them. The first day's scripture was Corinthians 6:9-11. Here Paul says "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male postitutes nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God." Clearly, homosexual relations is not part of God's plan for humanity, but those whoabandon it are able to be brought into a right relationship with Him.
Day two's scripture was Lamantations 5. Here Jeremiah laments what has happened to his people and his culture as a result of their sin and he pleads with God to "restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may return" (verse21) and declares that "Your throne endures from generation to genereation." (verse 19). Our culture is way off base and leads us away from God, not toward Him.
Day three I expected to open my Bible to the New Testament, but it fell open to Ezekial 3. I almost closed it, but took a glance at it first. Here God says "I am sending you to your own people, people who understand your language." (verse 4-5 paraphrased). In verse 11 He says " go to them and say "This is what the Sovereign Lord says,whether they listen or fail to listen." "..If you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself (Verse18-19) But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning and you will have saved yourself." (Verse 21) It seemed clear to me that those verses, in conjunction with the First Corinth ian verses, mean that I need to warn you to reject homosexuality.
Day four I opened my Bible to Ephesians 2. "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kindom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, were were by nature objects of wrath. but because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions...it is by grace you have been saved." (verses 1-4) We must not give in to gratifying our sinful cravings. God will help us to reject them if we choose to walk daily with Him.
Day five 2 Corinthians 5:10 jumped out at me as I was reading "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." We should not decieve ourselves into thinking that there is no judgement day, np ultimate consequence.
Day six I ope ned to James 4:6-10 "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up."
My dearest Johnathan, what I have taught you about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the Bible is the truth. Jesus said "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life, no man comes to the Father, but by me." Our culture has succeeded in redefining truth as relative. You have studied enough logic to know that is impossible. God's Word is the truth. God and his Word have stayed consistant and true for thousands of years. If you read the Bible from cover to cover and you'll see how what was begun in Genesis continues to be played out.
Each person struggles with their personal "vices" or desires to live wrongly. Because many in our culture have decided that certain of these vices is not really sin does not negate the fact that they are sin. Homosexuality is wrong, it is not natural, it is not God's plan for anyone, including you. God's=2 0eternal rules of consequences and his overwhelming desire for you to turn from a wrong path (by experiencing the negative consequences of wrong choices) will play out should you decide to succumb. He will stop at nothing to get you to turn away from sin, but, if you insist He will allow you the freedom to stay with a sinful lifestyle and suffer its physical, emotional and spiritual consequences. If I have not explained myself clearly to you, please tell me. I know you need to figure this out for yourself, but a wise person seeks godly counsel. I have lived long enough and made enough bad decisions myself to know what I am talking about. Reject homosexuality/bi-sexuality. It will come to no good end if you do not. My devotional for today said "you have to will to be faithful." You must "Choose for yourself this day whom you will serve..." (Joshua 24:15). God is faithful and will give you his answers as you sincerely seek them from his Word and godly people. I assume it will be difficult to reject something to which you are attracted, but it is not impossible. "With God all things are possible." Daddy and I will go to the ends of the earth to help you. There are groups and counselors who will also help you, but you have to choose. I beg you to choose God's way. Choose rightly and you will be blessed beyond anything you can imagine. I love you so much, Mom
And now you can all see exactly what I'm dealing with here. I'd also like to read the comment given about homosexuality from the "extreme teen bible" my mom got for me a while back. "In the Old Testament and again in the New Testament, God calls homosexuality a sin that is disgusting to him. Sin always has its consequences. With homosexuality comes guilt, emotional scars, condemnation and possibly disease and death - not to meantion how it can impact the people around a person." I read this bunch of bullshit and almost threw out the whole fucking book. The only guilt and emotional scars come from the bastards who don't fucking follow the teachings of the Bible to not be judgmental and to be caring even towards the people who don't deserve it. Honestly, the more and more I hear the religious aspect of all of this that has been tearing me apart, I fucking hate it because it's telling me I'm wrong for reasons that make NO FUCKING SENSE. It doesn't make any damn sense why they are saying it's wrong. And despite all the research done by psychologists that PROVES sexuality isn't a choice and that it's an indentity, Focus on the Family just says that the main psychological association is just a left wing puppet used to expand the liberal agenda. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LIBERAL AGENDA ANYWAY????
Anyway...I'm done ranting and raving. I'm going to go talk some people at the episcopal church and see what happens. I'll have the next chapter up soon, hopefully by tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your support through all of this because this is the one of the few things that makes sense. Bye!!
Episcopals are normally sane. Depends on where you are though. If it makes you feel any better, my parents wanted to send me to a Focus on the Family "psychologist" in Co. Springs. I refused, of course, but the pain was still there. Also, I refuse to listen to Paul's teachings. Once you eliminate him, the New Testament is pretty free of anti-homosexual rants. If you think about it, Paul really is just a nutjob who used to kill Christians and then decided to change his path. Tons of things he promoted for others he didn't follow himself. What's with the whole rant against circumcision as too Jewish? He was circumcised, Jew as he was. And besides, modern homosexuality did not even exist 2,000 years ago, let alone 500. So really, dude, don't fret. Just be you.
Irish,
Remember, the bible is an attempt to convey the word of God, but it was put down in writing, filtered, through man - generations of them.
The bible rails at the wonton sex of Sodom and Gomorrah - the absolute depravity of orgies with men, women, animals.
The early Jews, like the Arabs, also were not strictly monogamous, I believe.
And the bible recounts times when closer than we're comfortable with now relatives "knew" each other and begat the continuation of their line.
Think about the discussion we've already had, and the preponderence of the 80:20 rule empirically in nature.
Be considerate of God and your fellow man, of your parents. Don't just hop in the sack, hormones raging, with whomever is handy. Be in a committed relationship before you share yourself that way. That is being a lot more true to God's word.
I hope the people you talk to at the Episcopal Church are nice, open, intelligent people who can provide you with some guidance and some comfort.
Take care.
Remember, the bible is an attempt to convey the word of God, but it was put down in writing, filtered, through man - generations of them.
The bible rails at the wonton sex of Sodom and Gomorrah - the absolute depravity of orgies with men, women, animals.
The early Jews, like the Arabs, also were not strictly monogamous, I believe.
And the bible recounts times when closer than we're comfortable with now relatives "knew" each other and begat the continuation of their line.
Think about the discussion we've already had, and the preponderence of the 80:20 rule empirically in nature.
Be considerate of God and your fellow man, of your parents. Don't just hop in the sack, hormones raging, with whomever is handy. Be in a committed relationship before you share yourself that way. That is being a lot more true to God's word.
I hope the people you talk to at the Episcopal Church are nice, open, intelligent people who can provide you with some guidance and some comfort.
Take care.
Craiger
JUB Addict
Johnathan,
May I call you that? I feel for you in this trying time. You know my feelings concerning what your mother has presented, however, I am sure she is doing this in as loving a way as she knows how. However, her approach seems to be overpowering in that every time she opened her Bible she read something about sin and sexuality. Hopefully one of these days she will open it to a positive and loving chapter that does not bode of hell and brimstone.
That being said, be respectful and loving towards both your father and her as they truly are committed to their beliefs. Just don't let that dictate to you how to live your life. Whatever judgment you make for yourself is for you and you alone. They must do the same for themselves. They have given you their thoughts and advise and by doing so have absolved themselves from any ramifications their God would impose on them.
You have presented yourself as a very level headed, intelligent person. I know you will find an answer to this traumatic time and you will be a stronger person for it. I wish you all the best.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Craiger
May I call you that? I feel for you in this trying time. You know my feelings concerning what your mother has presented, however, I am sure she is doing this in as loving a way as she knows how. However, her approach seems to be overpowering in that every time she opened her Bible she read something about sin and sexuality. Hopefully one of these days she will open it to a positive and loving chapter that does not bode of hell and brimstone.
That being said, be respectful and loving towards both your father and her as they truly are committed to their beliefs. Just don't let that dictate to you how to live your life. Whatever judgment you make for yourself is for you and you alone. They must do the same for themselves. They have given you their thoughts and advise and by doing so have absolved themselves from any ramifications their God would impose on them.
You have presented yourself as a very level headed, intelligent person. I know you will find an answer to this traumatic time and you will be a stronger person for it. I wish you all the best.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Craiger
LukiusCurtiss
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I'm speechless of what your mother wrote to you, although honestly I skimmed a bit because I'm not Christian/Catholic. I was raised just as long you were a good person, doing the common sense things of what is right helping those in need, respecting others, love your family, etc. you would not be damned. Religion should be used as a tool to enrich your life not to chain you down.
At least you have your sisters support. My parents have yet to be told, which I'm keeping it that way for awhile from now. But I know that my brothers said whatever the response from my parents they would back me up 100%. Just having that gave me a bit of relief. I believe in time your parents will grow to respect your choice even if they feel it conflicts with their beliefs.
Can't wait for the next chapter! Good luck to you!
At least you have your sisters support. My parents have yet to be told, which I'm keeping it that way for awhile from now. But I know that my brothers said whatever the response from my parents they would back me up 100%. Just having that gave me a bit of relief. I believe in time your parents will grow to respect your choice even if they feel it conflicts with their beliefs.
Can't wait for the next chapter! Good luck to you!
Also, remember that you can read anything into a simple sentence taken out of context. Politicians know this well, and it's kind of a shame that religious leaders who are supposed to be well educated also don't recognize this fact. The thing is, the historical context at the time in no way resembles today. While overarching themes can (and should) be applied to life, trying to apply ancient Mediterranean practices to modern American life seems a bit out of place, if not outright silly. You first have to analyze the Bible (and any ancient text...I'm a Classics major btw) in its social and historical context before any attempt to apply its teachings to the present day can be made. The Bible isn't as simple as Simon Says (unfortunately? fortunately?). Sadly, though, this is why many people (myself included) turn away from organized religion. It is great that you are trying to make things work and reconcile the two. I commend you for that. Just know that there are decent ministers, pastors and priests out there along with the crazies.
But really the best thing to think about now is your own well-being. Don't let anyone else try to tell you who you are...EVEN US. Follow your own path, Irish. It will lead you to where you need to be. Visiting friends can be a good thing. Take time for you. A lot of parents' fears about their gay children are those for their safety, happiness, and well-being. They don't realize however that their questioning and denial of homosexuality only makes things 1000000x worse than it would have been if you were left to your own devices. So...just give yourself a break (you're doing a great job--very mature), and keep on going!
Keep us posted with updates (on the story and on life). :-D
But really the best thing to think about now is your own well-being. Don't let anyone else try to tell you who you are...EVEN US. Follow your own path, Irish. It will lead you to where you need to be. Visiting friends can be a good thing. Take time for you. A lot of parents' fears about their gay children are those for their safety, happiness, and well-being. They don't realize however that their questioning and denial of homosexuality only makes things 1000000x worse than it would have been if you were left to your own devices. So...just give yourself a break (you're doing a great job--very mature), and keep on going!
Keep us posted with updates (on the story and on life). :-D
irishinvader
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Hey again everyone! I appreciate all your thoughts about all of this. I know what I should do and it's probably what I have to do. It just bothers me I have to be more adult about all of this than my parents...
Anyway, here is Chapter 8. It is directly following Chapter 7 and from Daniel's perspective. Like I said before, those of you who enjoyed the back and forth between Daniel and Hunter will love this chapter because that is all there is. Chapter 9 will be coming soon because I already know what will happen, but I'll keep that information tucked away in a vault
And in writing this chapter, I've officially put more words on the page for this story than my own book! I'd never thought that would be the case but this story has become such a priority for me, especially since this summer is one of the most boring seasons in my life. So without furthur ado, here is Chapter 8!!! Hope you all enjoy
It goes without saying I ate the rest of my sandwich nervously. But it wasn’t something I could feel, it was something I knew was there but my heart rate was only slightly elevated, if that, and there weren’t any butterflies flying around in my stomach. It just was what it was. I knew that a new chapter of my life would be starting whether or not I wanted it to. It wasn’t a chapter with a definite end like high school was, although Christine did change my course. But despite my relationship with her, I ended up at the same place I knew I was going to end up at, Ohio State as a business major with Jake and Antonio, a plan that was supposed to continue through my college years. Now, I was seriously debating about changing majors and had made excuses to not be around Jake, Antonio and Petey (I guess he was a twist in my story but a very minor one). And despite my drastically new reality, I felt relatively calm, about the same as I would feel before a test I had studied my ass off for. It was the logic and self awareness in me that was keeping my emotions in check because I knew I was no longer at the precipice looking over. I had been pushed off and the options were either to continue falling towards the concrete that lay directly below me or try and get myself to land in the enshrouded mist that Hunter showed me which could be a pillow factory or a pit of spikes. The concrete would certainly kill me as would the pit of spikes, just slightly quicker and more painfully, so it was the logical decision to just hope for the best and go for it.
Whatever was in the midst, Hunter would be sure to get me there quickly because he responded to my text a minute or two after sending. “Don’t worry about it. I should be free tonight so we could definitely do something. Did you have anything particular in mind?”
“No…you’re supposed to tell me what to do because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’m just following you.” I couldn’t say that verbatim but there wasn’t anything else I could say that was true. And I couldn’t lie to the guy who I needed to save me. “Nothing particular. I just need to do something different. I was really hoping you would know what that was… Daniel.”
Maybe it was divulging too much information too quickly but he deserved to know and it was only fair. He had changed my life in a matter of hours, I had to level the playing field but the only way to do it was by being completely open about everything, not just my journal. “An emotional catch-22,” I thought to myself. In order to feel equal, I’d have to share more about myself, thus bringing me back down to where I currently was. “I’ll force him to tell me something about him and then I’ll feel on the same page.” And yet, through all of these thoughts, a nagging voice in my mind reminded me of how Hunter had made me feel his equal by just looking at me after telling him about my journal.
I had kept my phone out on my lap and when it lit up saying there was a new text, I started to feel the nerves. No amount of logic or sedatives can stop someone from feeling it anymore. After a couple deep breaths and mental preparation, I opened my phone. “Do you need to talk about something? You seem…confused but maybe that’s not the right word. We could meet up now if you want and find something to do. If not, I’ll try and get my friends together. Or did you want something REALLY different?”
“How is it that Hunter knows me so well? Was I really that obvious?” But I had enough questions already, I didn’t need to add any to a list that contained the question of what the fuck was I doing with my life. “Yeah, confused is probably the best word. I’m free whenever you are, don’t have anything going on today. Why don’t we figure something out after we get together? Daniel.”
“That should work. We could go now if you want. In front of the main caf? We’ll know what each other look like at least lol. Work for you? I just want you to not be confused so we could do something else if you want.”
“No, that’d be great. See you soon. Daniel.” And with that the conversation was over but my chapter was just beginning. “So far so good,” I thought to myself. “At least I am going to see Hunter like I planned.” I finished up my sandwich and left Hoagie Heaven with my spirits as high as I could muster. The walk back to campus was different than the walk from campus. I was aware of things, I wasn’t walking in a tunnel and I kept thinking of what would come, I just didn’t have any of the answers. Life was life but reality was not reality. First there was the fact that nothing made sense and yet I knew exactly what to do. Secondly, I had to physically walk to get where I knew I needed to go which isn’t normally a difficult task but the next time you have to exert physical effort to get somewhere you have no idea where you’re going but have to get to anyway, you let me know how it goes.
As I neared the cafeteria, my nerves started to come back and I could feel the questions flying around in my head but they were too fast to actual grab a hold of one and turn it into a thought. And then as I turned the final corner and caught a glimpse of the building, I almost wet myself. Clearly my mind was more ready than my body, but not by much. I quickly yet covertly went to the adjacent building to relieve myself. Just before I was going to go, I looked down at my dick. “You’re just as responsible as anyone else, you know?” It was the ludicrousness of that statement that made me realize no one thing, person or even a group of things made my life the way it was. Hell, I could even blame Hunter’s parents for having good genes. No matter who or what changed my life, I had to go with it or else I’d have no shot. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be insanely nervous doing it.
I finished up and was about to leave when I looked up at the mirror while washing my hands. Everything looked the way it should but I was different nonetheless. “Different isn’t bad, different is just…different.” With that I was off, not knowing what awaited me. Turning the corner towards the cafeteria, I saw Hunter sitting on one of the benches. I could see his spirit from here, the kind of spirit that is genuinely happy to be alive, through the good and the bad. Not necessarily optimism but an attitude of “life may not turn out the way I want it to, but I’m going to have a fun time getting there.” About 20 feet away from him, I took one last deep breath and then called out to him. “Hunter!”
He turned around with a small grin. “Hey, Daniel! How are you?”
“I’m hangin’ in there I guess,” I said with a laugh. It was damn-near impossible to lie to a guy like Hunter.
“Well that’s good. Hopefully you’ll be doing better by the later tonight, though. So did you think of anything you wanted to do?”
“Not really. I don’t really know what I want to do. I could tell you a bunch of things I don’t want to do.”
Hunter got a laugh out of it. “I think we’ve all been there before.”
He was about to go on but I couldn’t believe his last statement. This was a first for me and I felt more alone than ever. Every single person hasn’t been here before turning 21. “I don’t know about that. This is kinda new to me.”
“Then you’re really lucky. I’ve been there a bunch of times and so have all my friends.”
“Well your friends aren’t my friends because my friends haven’t been through anything.” The quick response I expected did not come. He just looked back at me with an almost studious look, like I was this exotic creature and he was a researcher.
“This is pretty serious, isn’t it?”
“Yes this fucking serious. I don’t know which way is up and the only person I can trust made me cream myself.” But all that came from that thought was, “Yeah, I guess.”
There was a beat of silence before he responded. “Do you want to talk about it now or wait for a bit?”
“I don’t fucking know what I want to do. You’re supposed to be telling me what to do. I’m falling into a mist you created. You tell me which way to go, towards the gray mist or the silver mist because I couldn’t fucking tell you which one’s better.” Part of me wanted to scream my thoughts but I knew that couldn’t end well. “That’s the thing, I really don’t know what I want or what I need.” “I just need you…”
“Ok…well do you want to sit down and eat for a while?”
I could tell he was trying but his efforts weren’t enough. “No, I just ate at Hoagie Heaven.”
“Yeah, I just ate too. Well water usually calms me down, you want to go by the pond?”
“Yeah sure, like I said, I really have no idea what to do. But that sounds great.” I meant what I said but I was baffled, flattered and relieved by the first sentence. He was willing to go eat with me if I wanted to even though he had just ate. I remembered why I liked him so much to begin with. It was stuff like this that had impacted me so greatly in such a small time.
“Alright, cool.” He started walking and I followed because I had no idea where the pond was. My friends weren’t the type that would just walk across campus to see something pretty and I was never alone enough or had the will to do it myself. After a few seconds, I realized that Hunter wasn’t talking. There had to be talking; walking in silence and then quietly sitting by a pond wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Then again, the only thing I could think of as a topic for conversation was the upheaval of my life which started when I had a wet dream about the guy I was walking with to a duck pond. As if going to a duck pond with a gay guy wasn’t gay enough.
“Were you at the game against Wisconsin last week?”
“Hunter, what the fuck are you doing? Life altering stuff or a basketball game? Please don’t do this to me. Please, I’m begging you.” “No.” I had gone to the game but I wanted to get off the subject, not that I necessarily wanted to talk about my life and certainly not to stop talking all together so we could walk awkwardly to a pond but just something other than college basketball.
“Oh, you really missed out. Close game and the refs really tried to screw us over but we pulled out the victory. Did you watch from the tv or do you not watch basketball?”
“I watch basketball. I know a lot more about Buckeye basketball than you do. But can we please stop this bullshit and just get on to an actual conversation here? Fuck.” “I’m not really that into basketball.”
“Well watching it on tv is a LOT different than actually being at the game. You should come watch some…”
I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to cut him off. “Listen, I was at the game. I’ve been going to basketball games since I was 8 and football games since I was born. I absolutely despise every single Michigan Wolverine to ever walk the face of the earth and if it weren’t for my douche bag parents I would have gone to the national championship against LSU and maybe the Final Four two years ago. Please don’t tell me about how awesome it is to be at an Ohio State sporting event. But I would love for you to tell me why you’re telling me about this instead of asking me why I’m quote unquote ‘confused’.”
My rant had stopped Hunter in his tracks. It had taken him off guard and it took me a little off guard as well. My frustration had come off more angrily than I expected and I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy and some tears beginning to form. I was breathing quickly and I couldn’t look at Hunter. I hadn’t yelled at Hunter, more like a parent scolding his kid in public and not wanting anyone else to hear, but he looked like I struck a nerve and we could finally move forward from this pitiful attempt at small talk. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Here we go…” “No, you didn’t. It’s just…it’s the opposite actually.”
I could see he was completely confused but I wasn’t about to clarify it. I couldn’t bring myself to just tell him, he would have to ask questions that would force me to tell him. “So…I did something right?”
“Kinda.”
He was still confused and it took him a moment to gather his thoughts. “Is this just about me or is this about a lot of things?”
“Both?”
His confusion turned to fright and I could see him trying to figure out what exactly I was talking about. “Well we can walk and talk right? We’re kinda in the way of a bunch of people.”
I hadn’t noticed that we were standing in the middle of a busy walkway, not that I would have cared because strangers’ ease of walking could kiss my ass. But now it seemed like a good idea. “Yeah, sure. Lead the way though because I have no idea where this pond is. I mean, I know it exists but I’ve never been there.”
“Alright.”
I could see that he was greatly perplexed by something I had said or did which was not my intention. I was looking for an answer, not more confusion. “I’m really sorry if I yelled at you, it’s just been a really rough day and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.”
“You never yelled at me and if you did I’m sure you would’ve had a reason to. Can you just tell me one thing?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I didn’t have an answer. On one hand, I was completely furious and on the other I was scared and confused. Lunch had showed me I was more scared and confused while everything else showed me I was furious. Which one was right, or was it something else entirely? “Honestly…I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.”
“That’s not true. Just because you don’t know everything doesn’t mean you don’t know anything.”
“No, I really don’t know anything anymore.”
“What’s your name?”
It was a lot more of a loaded question than I’m sure Hunter intended but he was right, I at least knew what my name was. I just didn’t know who the person with that name was yet. “Daniel.”
“And what’s your birthday?”
“April 23rd and I also know what 2 plus 2 equals. So I know some things, but nothing that actually matters.”
“Your name matters.”
I kept looking ahead of me instead of at Hunter. “And I have no idea who Daniel is. So my name is Daniel. There are millions of people named Daniel and this Daniel couldn’t tell you anything important about himself. Go ahead, ask me an important question about myself and I guarantee I won’t be able to answer it.”
“Ok. Umm, what do you value more than anything else?”
At least he finally came up with a question of substance. My first reaction was that he had actually picked a question I knew the answer to but I thought about it for a little longer. If I wasn’t alive, my journal wouldn’t mean anything because I had no kids and no one other than Hunter who could actually appreciate. Hunter was the reason why I felt so confused and he was also the only thing keeping me alive. If he had died last night, I wouldn’t have anything to live for. So was it my prized possession that I had cared about so dearly for the past year or was it a guy I met yesterday? “I thought I knew the answer to that but I don’t anymore.”
He thought he had picked a question I could answer but he could tell I gave him an honest answer. He paused to gather his thoughts again. “Well…what is it between?”
“What do you mean?” I knew what he meant but I didn’t want to tell him the real answer, him or my grandfather’s journal.
“I mean, I thought it was your journal so what happened since last night that changed your mind? Or is your journal not even on the list?”
“I met you.” That was the answer, plain and simple. It was straightforward and not long or difficult to say but my mouth refused to form the words because it scared the shit out of me that that was the real answer. As much as I wanted to be honest with Hunter, this was something I couldn’t bring myself to say, not now at least. “I don’t know…a lot? Things happened.”
We walked a good 15 feet before Hunter responded. “What did you do last night?”
“I subconsciously busted a massive load for you but I’m sure that isn’t what you’re referring to.” “I watched a couple episodes of House and then fell asleep.”
“That’s it?”
“No, I rubbed my dick against your wet stomach and cummed all over the both of us.” “My roommate woke me up drunk at like 2. Oh, and then he hurled into the sink this morning.”
Hunter was having none of my bullshit. He knew something was up but didn’t know what so he was just going to keep asking questions until I couldn’t think of any more bullshit to throw at him. “Do you consider your roommate one of your friends?”
“Hooray, a question I don’t have to lie about.” “I have absolutely no idea. Petey is…Petey. I don’t know what he is.”
“Well the reason I ask is because I remember your expression when you were talking about your friends and you looked…fed up with them. Maybe that’s not the best way of putting it but I’m really not that good with words.”
“Damn it, Hunter, just let me fucking lie to you,” I thought to myself.
“What else happened this morning?”
“Well, I tried to take a shower but didn’t really because I had a threesome with you and your fuck buddy in my favorite stall.” “I got angry at Petey, showered and then went to Hoagie Heaven.”
“I’d ask you more about Petey but I have a feeling he doesn’t have much to do with it. What happened there?”
We’d reached the pond, wherever that meant we were. It was gorgeous even though it was only the beginning of March and most of the trees hadn’t begun to blossom yet. But I didn’t care about the scenery, I cared about sorting this all out without actually telling Hunter anything. It could be done, I just had to keep lying. “I ate my sandwich. Then I saw you had texted me while I was sleeping so I texted you back and here we are.”
We were now on a walking path right by the water. “Do you want to sit down?”
I was about to blurt out I didn’t know what I wanted when I realized that all of these bottled up nerves and anxiety had to be let out somehow and rather than blowing up at Hunter, it would be better to exert some of that energy into walking. “No, let’s walk around for a while.”
“Ok, let’s walk some more. So you watched TV, fell asleep, your roommate was drunk, you got lunch and now we’re here?”
“Basically, yeah.”
“And somewhere in those events you got confused about life? And you’re not sure whether or not you’re mad at me.” He paused to look at me before continuing. “Something isn’t adding up. Based off of everything you just told me, I’m not seeing how you can be as distraught as you are.”
I had to think fast. What could I tell him that wouldn’t make me tell him I might be gay for him? Versions of the truth no longer cut it and I'd have to take on the herculean task of lying to Hunter's face. “Christine called me last night. We ended up talking for a while and I don’t know how I feel about it.” It avoided any conversation on my dream but still talked about a similar situation. I was proud of myself for my quick thinking.
“Oh, wow. Yeah, I could see why you might be confused. Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”
“Fuckin’ A, man. Can’t you just believe what I tell you and move on?” “I don’t know…I was just…nervous? I didn’t want to just jump into it. Plus, it’s Christine and it’s always a touchy subject. And I just met you and stuff.”
He just stared at me and then his face changed to disappointment. “How long did you two talk?” It was clear he was thinking something other than what he said but I didn’t want to push him into saying anything. He was doing what I had become a professional at, figuring out information he wasn’t supposed to know.
“I don’t know…a couple hours at least. We hadn’t talked in a while and there was a lot to catch up on.”
“What time did she call?” His quick response worried me, was he on to me already?
“Umm, like 1ish? I’m not really sure.”
“Did she wake you up?”
“HOLY SHIT STOP WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS ALREADY.” “Yeah, she did.” He was bound to tell me why he was asking all these questions so I figured before he asks something I couldn’t think up an answer for, I’d get the reason for his curiosity. “Why do you ask?”
“I ask because that doesn’t seem to match up with your story. You said she called around 1 and you talked for a couple of hours but your roommate woke you up at 2. And none of that explains what I did for you to not know if you’re mad at me.”
Hunter was good, I’d give him that but I’d been playing the read in-between the lines game for a lot longer than he had. I pulled out some improvisation and my talent from my drama class in high school. “Oh yeah, we forgot to change our alarm clock back an hour. So that would’ve been 3 when he got back.”
“That still doesn’t explain why you could be mad at me.”
“It’s the whole ‘Daniel’ thing. I told Christine about it and she didn’t see it. I’m her Danny and that’s final. I told her why you considered me Daniel and she said that wasn’t me.”
“I told you that I considered you a Daniel because I think of someone important when I think of a Daniel. How could someone you used to date, who called you to talk tell you she doesn’t agree with that?”
I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hunter was continuing to give me escapes out of the conversation I was dreading. “Let me rephrase it, she thought I had the same things with Danny. I’m more adorable, her words not mine, than important. It’s not that I’m not those things, but she sees me for other things.”
“Oh, ok, that makes more sense, I guess.”
“Yeah, so now I’m confused about who I am. I’m just confused about almost everything and you’re the one who made me confused. I mean, I just met you and stuff and you thought of me as this completely different person.”
Hunter let my bullshit sink in before responding. “So let me get this straight. You’re telling me you aren’t sure if you’re mad at me because I made you think about who you are? I don’t mean this in a bad way but most people are happy when I make them think about themselves.”
The light was getting brighter. I could bring up my identity crisis with Hunter without telling him the real reason behind it. “I don’t know, I just…I’ve always had this idea of myself and now I don’t know who I really am because they both kinda make sense. Maybe the reason why I might be at mad at you is because I only met you yesterday and you showed me this side of me that I always knew I could be but I never got a chance to become, if that makes any sense.” The truth was beginning to come out, Hunter just thought the problem was originating from a different place.
He looked over at me and smiled. “Even if you’re not too excited it, I’m happy I was able to make such an impact on you in such a short amount of time. I kinda thought I had because you had such a look…I don’t know how to describe it. It’s something I wish you could have seen.”
It was stuff like that that made Hunter different than anyone else. He was happy about everything, a modern day Thomas Edison. ‘I never failed, I just found out 2,000 ways how NOT to make a light bulb!’ People don’t talk like that, they only try to think that way. Then there is Hunter. “What am I doing…I can’t lie to Hunter. He’s so damn genuine, it’s almost a crime to be lying to him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What am I saying? I can’t tell Hunter I had a wet dream for him. What good can that possible do? It’s awkward for me, awkward for him whether he’d admit it or not, I’m not gay so it doesn’t mean anything and I can’t risk losing the only valuable person here and the only person in the world who cares about me other than Grandpa. Keep lying damn it!” My head and heart were divided, each with logical reasons. My head worried about me, who knows what would happen if I actually told him the truth and I need him to guide me. “Plus, he’s buying into my bullshit so far, I can keep it up.” Then there was my heart which worried about Hunter, he didn’t deserve any of this, he didn’t even deserve to have to listen to me bitch about my upside down life.
During my thought, I had been quiet and Hunter, who was expecting some kind of response, prodded a little more. “Sorry if that wasn’t what you wanted to hear, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”
I looked over at him and found a man in great emotional pain. He tried to connect with me on a deep level and I had let him down. It was in his face and in his body. His normally straight back shoulders had drooped as did his head and his eyes screamed out in anguish. “Do you really want to do this to him? Just tell him the truth already.”
“No, no, no. I’m really glad that you did. I wish I could see myself for what other people see me as a lot and that was definitely one of those moments. I have to be honest with you, you probably know more about me than anyone else. I told Christine some things and I told everything to my Grandpa except the stuff about Christine because he hated her. You know about both of them. And you brought out the side of me I’ve wanted to show people for so long. I don’t want to sound weird but…” I had to take a deep breath before I continued. “But, I feel closer to you than I’ve ever been with anyone else. I’m sorry if that is too much too soon but it’s how I feel.”
My confession had gotten rid of most of the spot on my conscious but it hadn’t removed the portion about the dream. He had to know about it, I wouldn’t be able to live myself if he didn’t know. And every time I’d see him, I’d picture him standing naked in front of me while we rubbed ourselves against each other. Hunter then broke his silence. “It’s not too much. Actually…I kinda feel the same way. I just feel something here that is different than I think anything else. I mean there is Sara but…it’s just something new and different with you and I really like it.” He stopped and I thought he was finished but then he blurted out a last second thought. “And I don’t want you to think anything of it because I’m gay. I don’t know if you were even thinking that but I just don’t want you to think for a second I would ever try anything with you…not that I want to anyway. You’re a really good friend and I would NEVER put you in a situation like that. I wouldn’t do that…I can’t like you like that…I just couldn’t do that to you.”
I hadn’t really been listening to him after he said he felt the same way but I jumped back into the conversation from my inner debate when he emphasized ‘never’. I couldn’t ask him to repeat himself, so I just kept quiet and did my best to smile but my best was not good enough. I pieced together he had talked about him not liking me as someone he wanted to date which was good…right? “My best friend can’t like me, he’s the only thing I have left. But that also means I had a sex dream for a gay guy who doesn’t like me. Maybe then I could actually talk to him about my dream, if he doesn’t like me then it wouldn’t go anywhere, right?” The logic and emotions kept piling up for the ‘tell Hunter argument’ but nothing had been done to ease the task of actually telling him. “Nothing could ease it.” I analyzed that thought and concluded it was correct. Telling your best and only friend in the world who also happened to be gay that you, a straight guy, ejaculated to the thought of rubbing your dick against his abs was going to be awkward no matter what the situation was. And this all had to be done at some point and it was probably better to do it now before things got even more complicated than they already were. If we did become such good friends, he’d wonder why I didn’t think I could tell him. “Just fucking do it…stop torturing yourself. This is a brand new chapter of your life and you kinda knew this was going to come up…you wouldn’t be here if some part of you didn’t want to tell him…”
“No, I know you wouldn’t do that…umm…so, I, uhh, I haven’t really been completely honest with you, about last night. Umm…Christine didn’t really call last night…I haven’t talked to her since we broke up and I don’t want to talk to her anyway. I have to tell you this, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t but I…I don’t exactly know how to say this and I think the only way to say it is to just say it but I don’t want to say it but I know I have to say it but I can’t and I don’t know what to do and I’m so confused and I don’t want to lose you but I’m scared I will and I can’t because you’re the only thing that makes sense but you made it not make sense in the first place and I don’t know what to do…I don’t know what to do anymore.” I had stopped walking but I had begun hyperventilating and frantically moved my hands in and out of my hair and across my face while my legs fidgeted. Then I felt Hunter’s hand on my shoulder.
I looked over at him and met his gaze but the rest of my body couldn’t control itself enough to stop. “Daniel, whatever it is you need to tell me, you can tell me. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’m not going to treat you any differently. I swear on my mother’s grave I won’t. Please, just tell me you’ll feel so much better and I don’t want to see you like this anymore because it isn’t good for you…or for me...” I couldn’t handle it anymore and I just collapsed into him and started to cry uncontrollably. I felt his arms enclose around me as mine wrapped tightly around his chest. I couldn’t turn back if I wanted to. “Please, Daniel, whatever it is you can tell me. It’s not worth all of this pain. I promise you can tell me, you can tell me anything in the world.”
And then it finally came out. “I had a sex dream about you.”
To be continued…
Anyway, here is Chapter 8. It is directly following Chapter 7 and from Daniel's perspective. Like I said before, those of you who enjoyed the back and forth between Daniel and Hunter will love this chapter because that is all there is. Chapter 9 will be coming soon because I already know what will happen, but I'll keep that information tucked away in a vault
And in writing this chapter, I've officially put more words on the page for this story than my own book! I'd never thought that would be the case but this story has become such a priority for me, especially since this summer is one of the most boring seasons in my life. So without furthur ado, here is Chapter 8!!! Hope you all enjoy*** *** *** ***
DEFINE LOVE - CHAPTER 8
DEFINE LOVE - CHAPTER 8
It goes without saying I ate the rest of my sandwich nervously. But it wasn’t something I could feel, it was something I knew was there but my heart rate was only slightly elevated, if that, and there weren’t any butterflies flying around in my stomach. It just was what it was. I knew that a new chapter of my life would be starting whether or not I wanted it to. It wasn’t a chapter with a definite end like high school was, although Christine did change my course. But despite my relationship with her, I ended up at the same place I knew I was going to end up at, Ohio State as a business major with Jake and Antonio, a plan that was supposed to continue through my college years. Now, I was seriously debating about changing majors and had made excuses to not be around Jake, Antonio and Petey (I guess he was a twist in my story but a very minor one). And despite my drastically new reality, I felt relatively calm, about the same as I would feel before a test I had studied my ass off for. It was the logic and self awareness in me that was keeping my emotions in check because I knew I was no longer at the precipice looking over. I had been pushed off and the options were either to continue falling towards the concrete that lay directly below me or try and get myself to land in the enshrouded mist that Hunter showed me which could be a pillow factory or a pit of spikes. The concrete would certainly kill me as would the pit of spikes, just slightly quicker and more painfully, so it was the logical decision to just hope for the best and go for it.
Whatever was in the midst, Hunter would be sure to get me there quickly because he responded to my text a minute or two after sending. “Don’t worry about it. I should be free tonight so we could definitely do something. Did you have anything particular in mind?”
“No…you’re supposed to tell me what to do because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’m just following you.” I couldn’t say that verbatim but there wasn’t anything else I could say that was true. And I couldn’t lie to the guy who I needed to save me. “Nothing particular. I just need to do something different. I was really hoping you would know what that was… Daniel.”
Maybe it was divulging too much information too quickly but he deserved to know and it was only fair. He had changed my life in a matter of hours, I had to level the playing field but the only way to do it was by being completely open about everything, not just my journal. “An emotional catch-22,” I thought to myself. In order to feel equal, I’d have to share more about myself, thus bringing me back down to where I currently was. “I’ll force him to tell me something about him and then I’ll feel on the same page.” And yet, through all of these thoughts, a nagging voice in my mind reminded me of how Hunter had made me feel his equal by just looking at me after telling him about my journal.
I had kept my phone out on my lap and when it lit up saying there was a new text, I started to feel the nerves. No amount of logic or sedatives can stop someone from feeling it anymore. After a couple deep breaths and mental preparation, I opened my phone. “Do you need to talk about something? You seem…confused but maybe that’s not the right word. We could meet up now if you want and find something to do. If not, I’ll try and get my friends together. Or did you want something REALLY different?”
“How is it that Hunter knows me so well? Was I really that obvious?” But I had enough questions already, I didn’t need to add any to a list that contained the question of what the fuck was I doing with my life. “Yeah, confused is probably the best word. I’m free whenever you are, don’t have anything going on today. Why don’t we figure something out after we get together? Daniel.”
“That should work. We could go now if you want. In front of the main caf? We’ll know what each other look like at least lol. Work for you? I just want you to not be confused so we could do something else if you want.”
“No, that’d be great. See you soon. Daniel.” And with that the conversation was over but my chapter was just beginning. “So far so good,” I thought to myself. “At least I am going to see Hunter like I planned.” I finished up my sandwich and left Hoagie Heaven with my spirits as high as I could muster. The walk back to campus was different than the walk from campus. I was aware of things, I wasn’t walking in a tunnel and I kept thinking of what would come, I just didn’t have any of the answers. Life was life but reality was not reality. First there was the fact that nothing made sense and yet I knew exactly what to do. Secondly, I had to physically walk to get where I knew I needed to go which isn’t normally a difficult task but the next time you have to exert physical effort to get somewhere you have no idea where you’re going but have to get to anyway, you let me know how it goes.
As I neared the cafeteria, my nerves started to come back and I could feel the questions flying around in my head but they were too fast to actual grab a hold of one and turn it into a thought. And then as I turned the final corner and caught a glimpse of the building, I almost wet myself. Clearly my mind was more ready than my body, but not by much. I quickly yet covertly went to the adjacent building to relieve myself. Just before I was going to go, I looked down at my dick. “You’re just as responsible as anyone else, you know?” It was the ludicrousness of that statement that made me realize no one thing, person or even a group of things made my life the way it was. Hell, I could even blame Hunter’s parents for having good genes. No matter who or what changed my life, I had to go with it or else I’d have no shot. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be insanely nervous doing it.
I finished up and was about to leave when I looked up at the mirror while washing my hands. Everything looked the way it should but I was different nonetheless. “Different isn’t bad, different is just…different.” With that I was off, not knowing what awaited me. Turning the corner towards the cafeteria, I saw Hunter sitting on one of the benches. I could see his spirit from here, the kind of spirit that is genuinely happy to be alive, through the good and the bad. Not necessarily optimism but an attitude of “life may not turn out the way I want it to, but I’m going to have a fun time getting there.” About 20 feet away from him, I took one last deep breath and then called out to him. “Hunter!”
He turned around with a small grin. “Hey, Daniel! How are you?”
“I’m hangin’ in there I guess,” I said with a laugh. It was damn-near impossible to lie to a guy like Hunter.
“Well that’s good. Hopefully you’ll be doing better by the later tonight, though. So did you think of anything you wanted to do?”
“Not really. I don’t really know what I want to do. I could tell you a bunch of things I don’t want to do.”
Hunter got a laugh out of it. “I think we’ve all been there before.”
He was about to go on but I couldn’t believe his last statement. This was a first for me and I felt more alone than ever. Every single person hasn’t been here before turning 21. “I don’t know about that. This is kinda new to me.”
“Then you’re really lucky. I’ve been there a bunch of times and so have all my friends.”
“Well your friends aren’t my friends because my friends haven’t been through anything.” The quick response I expected did not come. He just looked back at me with an almost studious look, like I was this exotic creature and he was a researcher.
“This is pretty serious, isn’t it?”
“Yes this fucking serious. I don’t know which way is up and the only person I can trust made me cream myself.” But all that came from that thought was, “Yeah, I guess.”
There was a beat of silence before he responded. “Do you want to talk about it now or wait for a bit?”
“I don’t fucking know what I want to do. You’re supposed to be telling me what to do. I’m falling into a mist you created. You tell me which way to go, towards the gray mist or the silver mist because I couldn’t fucking tell you which one’s better.” Part of me wanted to scream my thoughts but I knew that couldn’t end well. “That’s the thing, I really don’t know what I want or what I need.” “I just need you…”
“Ok…well do you want to sit down and eat for a while?”
I could tell he was trying but his efforts weren’t enough. “No, I just ate at Hoagie Heaven.”
“Yeah, I just ate too. Well water usually calms me down, you want to go by the pond?”
“Yeah sure, like I said, I really have no idea what to do. But that sounds great.” I meant what I said but I was baffled, flattered and relieved by the first sentence. He was willing to go eat with me if I wanted to even though he had just ate. I remembered why I liked him so much to begin with. It was stuff like this that had impacted me so greatly in such a small time.
“Alright, cool.” He started walking and I followed because I had no idea where the pond was. My friends weren’t the type that would just walk across campus to see something pretty and I was never alone enough or had the will to do it myself. After a few seconds, I realized that Hunter wasn’t talking. There had to be talking; walking in silence and then quietly sitting by a pond wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Then again, the only thing I could think of as a topic for conversation was the upheaval of my life which started when I had a wet dream about the guy I was walking with to a duck pond. As if going to a duck pond with a gay guy wasn’t gay enough.
“Were you at the game against Wisconsin last week?”
“Hunter, what the fuck are you doing? Life altering stuff or a basketball game? Please don’t do this to me. Please, I’m begging you.” “No.” I had gone to the game but I wanted to get off the subject, not that I necessarily wanted to talk about my life and certainly not to stop talking all together so we could walk awkwardly to a pond but just something other than college basketball.
“Oh, you really missed out. Close game and the refs really tried to screw us over but we pulled out the victory. Did you watch from the tv or do you not watch basketball?”
“I watch basketball. I know a lot more about Buckeye basketball than you do. But can we please stop this bullshit and just get on to an actual conversation here? Fuck.” “I’m not really that into basketball.”
“Well watching it on tv is a LOT different than actually being at the game. You should come watch some…”
I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to cut him off. “Listen, I was at the game. I’ve been going to basketball games since I was 8 and football games since I was born. I absolutely despise every single Michigan Wolverine to ever walk the face of the earth and if it weren’t for my douche bag parents I would have gone to the national championship against LSU and maybe the Final Four two years ago. Please don’t tell me about how awesome it is to be at an Ohio State sporting event. But I would love for you to tell me why you’re telling me about this instead of asking me why I’m quote unquote ‘confused’.”
My rant had stopped Hunter in his tracks. It had taken him off guard and it took me a little off guard as well. My frustration had come off more angrily than I expected and I could feel my eyes starting to get heavy and some tears beginning to form. I was breathing quickly and I couldn’t look at Hunter. I hadn’t yelled at Hunter, more like a parent scolding his kid in public and not wanting anyone else to hear, but he looked like I struck a nerve and we could finally move forward from this pitiful attempt at small talk. “Did I do something wrong?”
“Here we go…” “No, you didn’t. It’s just…it’s the opposite actually.”
I could see he was completely confused but I wasn’t about to clarify it. I couldn’t bring myself to just tell him, he would have to ask questions that would force me to tell him. “So…I did something right?”
“Kinda.”
He was still confused and it took him a moment to gather his thoughts. “Is this just about me or is this about a lot of things?”
“Both?”
His confusion turned to fright and I could see him trying to figure out what exactly I was talking about. “Well we can walk and talk right? We’re kinda in the way of a bunch of people.”
I hadn’t noticed that we were standing in the middle of a busy walkway, not that I would have cared because strangers’ ease of walking could kiss my ass. But now it seemed like a good idea. “Yeah, sure. Lead the way though because I have no idea where this pond is. I mean, I know it exists but I’ve never been there.”
“Alright.”
I could see that he was greatly perplexed by something I had said or did which was not my intention. I was looking for an answer, not more confusion. “I’m really sorry if I yelled at you, it’s just been a really rough day and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.”
“You never yelled at me and if you did I’m sure you would’ve had a reason to. Can you just tell me one thing?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I didn’t have an answer. On one hand, I was completely furious and on the other I was scared and confused. Lunch had showed me I was more scared and confused while everything else showed me I was furious. Which one was right, or was it something else entirely? “Honestly…I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.”
“That’s not true. Just because you don’t know everything doesn’t mean you don’t know anything.”
“No, I really don’t know anything anymore.”
“What’s your name?”
It was a lot more of a loaded question than I’m sure Hunter intended but he was right, I at least knew what my name was. I just didn’t know who the person with that name was yet. “Daniel.”
“And what’s your birthday?”
“April 23rd and I also know what 2 plus 2 equals. So I know some things, but nothing that actually matters.”
“Your name matters.”
I kept looking ahead of me instead of at Hunter. “And I have no idea who Daniel is. So my name is Daniel. There are millions of people named Daniel and this Daniel couldn’t tell you anything important about himself. Go ahead, ask me an important question about myself and I guarantee I won’t be able to answer it.”
“Ok. Umm, what do you value more than anything else?”
At least he finally came up with a question of substance. My first reaction was that he had actually picked a question I knew the answer to but I thought about it for a little longer. If I wasn’t alive, my journal wouldn’t mean anything because I had no kids and no one other than Hunter who could actually appreciate. Hunter was the reason why I felt so confused and he was also the only thing keeping me alive. If he had died last night, I wouldn’t have anything to live for. So was it my prized possession that I had cared about so dearly for the past year or was it a guy I met yesterday? “I thought I knew the answer to that but I don’t anymore.”
He thought he had picked a question I could answer but he could tell I gave him an honest answer. He paused to gather his thoughts again. “Well…what is it between?”
“What do you mean?” I knew what he meant but I didn’t want to tell him the real answer, him or my grandfather’s journal.
“I mean, I thought it was your journal so what happened since last night that changed your mind? Or is your journal not even on the list?”
“I met you.” That was the answer, plain and simple. It was straightforward and not long or difficult to say but my mouth refused to form the words because it scared the shit out of me that that was the real answer. As much as I wanted to be honest with Hunter, this was something I couldn’t bring myself to say, not now at least. “I don’t know…a lot? Things happened.”
We walked a good 15 feet before Hunter responded. “What did you do last night?”
“I subconsciously busted a massive load for you but I’m sure that isn’t what you’re referring to.” “I watched a couple episodes of House and then fell asleep.”
“That’s it?”
“No, I rubbed my dick against your wet stomach and cummed all over the both of us.” “My roommate woke me up drunk at like 2. Oh, and then he hurled into the sink this morning.”
Hunter was having none of my bullshit. He knew something was up but didn’t know what so he was just going to keep asking questions until I couldn’t think of any more bullshit to throw at him. “Do you consider your roommate one of your friends?”
“Hooray, a question I don’t have to lie about.” “I have absolutely no idea. Petey is…Petey. I don’t know what he is.”
“Well the reason I ask is because I remember your expression when you were talking about your friends and you looked…fed up with them. Maybe that’s not the best way of putting it but I’m really not that good with words.”
“Damn it, Hunter, just let me fucking lie to you,” I thought to myself.
“What else happened this morning?”
“Well, I tried to take a shower but didn’t really because I had a threesome with you and your fuck buddy in my favorite stall.” “I got angry at Petey, showered and then went to Hoagie Heaven.”
“I’d ask you more about Petey but I have a feeling he doesn’t have much to do with it. What happened there?”
We’d reached the pond, wherever that meant we were. It was gorgeous even though it was only the beginning of March and most of the trees hadn’t begun to blossom yet. But I didn’t care about the scenery, I cared about sorting this all out without actually telling Hunter anything. It could be done, I just had to keep lying. “I ate my sandwich. Then I saw you had texted me while I was sleeping so I texted you back and here we are.”
We were now on a walking path right by the water. “Do you want to sit down?”
I was about to blurt out I didn’t know what I wanted when I realized that all of these bottled up nerves and anxiety had to be let out somehow and rather than blowing up at Hunter, it would be better to exert some of that energy into walking. “No, let’s walk around for a while.”
“Ok, let’s walk some more. So you watched TV, fell asleep, your roommate was drunk, you got lunch and now we’re here?”
“Basically, yeah.”
“And somewhere in those events you got confused about life? And you’re not sure whether or not you’re mad at me.” He paused to look at me before continuing. “Something isn’t adding up. Based off of everything you just told me, I’m not seeing how you can be as distraught as you are.”
I had to think fast. What could I tell him that wouldn’t make me tell him I might be gay for him? Versions of the truth no longer cut it and I'd have to take on the herculean task of lying to Hunter's face. “Christine called me last night. We ended up talking for a while and I don’t know how I feel about it.” It avoided any conversation on my dream but still talked about a similar situation. I was proud of myself for my quick thinking.
“Oh, wow. Yeah, I could see why you might be confused. Why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”
“Fuckin’ A, man. Can’t you just believe what I tell you and move on?” “I don’t know…I was just…nervous? I didn’t want to just jump into it. Plus, it’s Christine and it’s always a touchy subject. And I just met you and stuff.”
He just stared at me and then his face changed to disappointment. “How long did you two talk?” It was clear he was thinking something other than what he said but I didn’t want to push him into saying anything. He was doing what I had become a professional at, figuring out information he wasn’t supposed to know.
“I don’t know…a couple hours at least. We hadn’t talked in a while and there was a lot to catch up on.”
“What time did she call?” His quick response worried me, was he on to me already?
“Umm, like 1ish? I’m not really sure.”
“Did she wake you up?”
“HOLY SHIT STOP WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS ALREADY.” “Yeah, she did.” He was bound to tell me why he was asking all these questions so I figured before he asks something I couldn’t think up an answer for, I’d get the reason for his curiosity. “Why do you ask?”
“I ask because that doesn’t seem to match up with your story. You said she called around 1 and you talked for a couple of hours but your roommate woke you up at 2. And none of that explains what I did for you to not know if you’re mad at me.”
Hunter was good, I’d give him that but I’d been playing the read in-between the lines game for a lot longer than he had. I pulled out some improvisation and my talent from my drama class in high school. “Oh yeah, we forgot to change our alarm clock back an hour. So that would’ve been 3 when he got back.”
“That still doesn’t explain why you could be mad at me.”
“It’s the whole ‘Daniel’ thing. I told Christine about it and she didn’t see it. I’m her Danny and that’s final. I told her why you considered me Daniel and she said that wasn’t me.”
“I told you that I considered you a Daniel because I think of someone important when I think of a Daniel. How could someone you used to date, who called you to talk tell you she doesn’t agree with that?”
I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hunter was continuing to give me escapes out of the conversation I was dreading. “Let me rephrase it, she thought I had the same things with Danny. I’m more adorable, her words not mine, than important. It’s not that I’m not those things, but she sees me for other things.”
“Oh, ok, that makes more sense, I guess.”
“Yeah, so now I’m confused about who I am. I’m just confused about almost everything and you’re the one who made me confused. I mean, I just met you and stuff and you thought of me as this completely different person.”
Hunter let my bullshit sink in before responding. “So let me get this straight. You’re telling me you aren’t sure if you’re mad at me because I made you think about who you are? I don’t mean this in a bad way but most people are happy when I make them think about themselves.”
The light was getting brighter. I could bring up my identity crisis with Hunter without telling him the real reason behind it. “I don’t know, I just…I’ve always had this idea of myself and now I don’t know who I really am because they both kinda make sense. Maybe the reason why I might be at mad at you is because I only met you yesterday and you showed me this side of me that I always knew I could be but I never got a chance to become, if that makes any sense.” The truth was beginning to come out, Hunter just thought the problem was originating from a different place.
He looked over at me and smiled. “Even if you’re not too excited it, I’m happy I was able to make such an impact on you in such a short amount of time. I kinda thought I had because you had such a look…I don’t know how to describe it. It’s something I wish you could have seen.”
It was stuff like that that made Hunter different than anyone else. He was happy about everything, a modern day Thomas Edison. ‘I never failed, I just found out 2,000 ways how NOT to make a light bulb!’ People don’t talk like that, they only try to think that way. Then there is Hunter. “What am I doing…I can’t lie to Hunter. He’s so damn genuine, it’s almost a crime to be lying to him. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What am I saying? I can’t tell Hunter I had a wet dream for him. What good can that possible do? It’s awkward for me, awkward for him whether he’d admit it or not, I’m not gay so it doesn’t mean anything and I can’t risk losing the only valuable person here and the only person in the world who cares about me other than Grandpa. Keep lying damn it!” My head and heart were divided, each with logical reasons. My head worried about me, who knows what would happen if I actually told him the truth and I need him to guide me. “Plus, he’s buying into my bullshit so far, I can keep it up.” Then there was my heart which worried about Hunter, he didn’t deserve any of this, he didn’t even deserve to have to listen to me bitch about my upside down life.
During my thought, I had been quiet and Hunter, who was expecting some kind of response, prodded a little more. “Sorry if that wasn’t what you wanted to hear, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”
I looked over at him and found a man in great emotional pain. He tried to connect with me on a deep level and I had let him down. It was in his face and in his body. His normally straight back shoulders had drooped as did his head and his eyes screamed out in anguish. “Do you really want to do this to him? Just tell him the truth already.”
“No, no, no. I’m really glad that you did. I wish I could see myself for what other people see me as a lot and that was definitely one of those moments. I have to be honest with you, you probably know more about me than anyone else. I told Christine some things and I told everything to my Grandpa except the stuff about Christine because he hated her. You know about both of them. And you brought out the side of me I’ve wanted to show people for so long. I don’t want to sound weird but…” I had to take a deep breath before I continued. “But, I feel closer to you than I’ve ever been with anyone else. I’m sorry if that is too much too soon but it’s how I feel.”
My confession had gotten rid of most of the spot on my conscious but it hadn’t removed the portion about the dream. He had to know about it, I wouldn’t be able to live myself if he didn’t know. And every time I’d see him, I’d picture him standing naked in front of me while we rubbed ourselves against each other. Hunter then broke his silence. “It’s not too much. Actually…I kinda feel the same way. I just feel something here that is different than I think anything else. I mean there is Sara but…it’s just something new and different with you and I really like it.” He stopped and I thought he was finished but then he blurted out a last second thought. “And I don’t want you to think anything of it because I’m gay. I don’t know if you were even thinking that but I just don’t want you to think for a second I would ever try anything with you…not that I want to anyway. You’re a really good friend and I would NEVER put you in a situation like that. I wouldn’t do that…I can’t like you like that…I just couldn’t do that to you.”
I hadn’t really been listening to him after he said he felt the same way but I jumped back into the conversation from my inner debate when he emphasized ‘never’. I couldn’t ask him to repeat himself, so I just kept quiet and did my best to smile but my best was not good enough. I pieced together he had talked about him not liking me as someone he wanted to date which was good…right? “My best friend can’t like me, he’s the only thing I have left. But that also means I had a sex dream for a gay guy who doesn’t like me. Maybe then I could actually talk to him about my dream, if he doesn’t like me then it wouldn’t go anywhere, right?” The logic and emotions kept piling up for the ‘tell Hunter argument’ but nothing had been done to ease the task of actually telling him. “Nothing could ease it.” I analyzed that thought and concluded it was correct. Telling your best and only friend in the world who also happened to be gay that you, a straight guy, ejaculated to the thought of rubbing your dick against his abs was going to be awkward no matter what the situation was. And this all had to be done at some point and it was probably better to do it now before things got even more complicated than they already were. If we did become such good friends, he’d wonder why I didn’t think I could tell him. “Just fucking do it…stop torturing yourself. This is a brand new chapter of your life and you kinda knew this was going to come up…you wouldn’t be here if some part of you didn’t want to tell him…”
“No, I know you wouldn’t do that…umm…so, I, uhh, I haven’t really been completely honest with you, about last night. Umm…Christine didn’t really call last night…I haven’t talked to her since we broke up and I don’t want to talk to her anyway. I have to tell you this, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t but I…I don’t exactly know how to say this and I think the only way to say it is to just say it but I don’t want to say it but I know I have to say it but I can’t and I don’t know what to do and I’m so confused and I don’t want to lose you but I’m scared I will and I can’t because you’re the only thing that makes sense but you made it not make sense in the first place and I don’t know what to do…I don’t know what to do anymore.” I had stopped walking but I had begun hyperventilating and frantically moved my hands in and out of my hair and across my face while my legs fidgeted. Then I felt Hunter’s hand on my shoulder.
I looked over at him and met his gaze but the rest of my body couldn’t control itself enough to stop. “Daniel, whatever it is you need to tell me, you can tell me. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’m not going to treat you any differently. I swear on my mother’s grave I won’t. Please, just tell me you’ll feel so much better and I don’t want to see you like this anymore because it isn’t good for you…or for me...” I couldn’t handle it anymore and I just collapsed into him and started to cry uncontrollably. I felt his arms enclose around me as mine wrapped tightly around his chest. I couldn’t turn back if I wanted to. “Please, Daniel, whatever it is you can tell me. It’s not worth all of this pain. I promise you can tell me, you can tell me anything in the world.”
And then it finally came out. “I had a sex dream about you.”
To be continued…
Irish Invader,
That was an incredible, marathon chapter of ultimate angst!
I started reading it shortly after you posted - later in the day - wow.
A LOT to follow and work my way through.
A very human, emotional chapter or three!
And, does Daniel have a clue, YET, as to what he was really trying to say?!
I've got the advantage of 1st person from the agonizing protagonist's side, and I still had a hard time with the complete psyche of angst.
Thank you for crafting this painstaking story of discovery, and the hi's and low's that can accompany it. You've done a marvelous job.
And, thank you for sharing it.
p.s. Good Luck in your life's journey. Love our parents, even though they are having a hard time understanding the whole bi/gay issue.
That was an incredible, marathon chapter of ultimate angst!
I started reading it shortly after you posted - later in the day - wow.
A LOT to follow and work my way through.
A very human, emotional chapter or three!
And, does Daniel have a clue, YET, as to what he was really trying to say?!
I've got the advantage of 1st person from the agonizing protagonist's side, and I still had a hard time with the complete psyche of angst.
Thank you for crafting this painstaking story of discovery, and the hi's and low's that can accompany it. You've done a marvelous job.
And, thank you for sharing it.
p.s. Good Luck in your life's journey. Love our parents, even though they are having a hard time understanding the whole bi/gay issue.
Craiger
JUB Addict
Wow! I don't know what else to say. The intensity of that chapter was beyond belief. I know how each of them feel, having gone through times like that in my own life. The fear for Daniel in facing the new beginning and the fear of Hunter having to promise not to make a move on him. I do think we say things at a certain moment that we know we will not be able to uphold. I am hoping that this is the case for both of our young characters. This new relationship must continue for the sake of both. Thanks for an inspiring chapter.
Craiger
Craiger
gaultierfnd2007
Virgin
That was an amazing chapter! And the ending Oh My God. I can't wait for the next one.
