Mumbo jumbo. "If" means if.
No, it doesn't. "If" is a word that serves a number of grammatical functions. In the case above, it was introducing a proposition in a given system of thought. Any conclusion which follows must function within that system of thought.
This is why doctoral dissertations get written on the functions of the smallest words in a language -- they do not have a single narrow meaning.
You would know. The fact remains that primitive theism doesn't sustain scrutiny. To use your image, a mother who doesn't stop her child from being scalded to preserve her notions of free will makes little sense. If I remember correctly, the Bible can't even agree on what day Christ was crucified, not to mention all the anti-women and pro-slavery garbage. Hence, the anti-religious humor. If your objections to it were presented with less peevishness and sanctimony, they might be more persuasive. Just saying.
To pursue your departure from the point in question, your use of the scalding illustration indicates that you regard all humans as children incapable of learning.
As for slavery, there's only "pro-slavery garbage" if you take things out of context. That's a favorite of fundamentalists, and should be beneath you. Early Christians recognized that slavery was contrary to the Bible, and that recognition continued as demonstrated by numerous decrees by popes, patriarchs, and councils banning slavery as incompatible with Christianity. Historically, the first indication of tolerance of slavery by Christians came after the Emperor Theodosius made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, which resulted in multitudes of Christians-of-convenience who treated their new religion the same as they'd treated the old: something to honor in social terms and ignore in the rest of their lives.
"Anti-women"? Jesus and Paul were radical feminists for their day. Jesus dared to treat women as social equals, and Paul instructed all women to comport themselves as nobles (that's what the veiling business in Corinth was about; a bare-faced woman was considered common, a veiled woman was a woman of status), appointed women as deacons and elders, and even listed some as apostles.
If I am peevish, it is because consistently in the FARIP thread and now here ignorance has been exalted and objective critique dismissed, responses to my statements being based on prejudice and subjectivity. The hypocrisy of that is immense, since the existence of the FARIP thread was sanctimoniously defended as it being critical examination of religion, when posts based on false information and thus ignorance abounded -- and "discussion" based on false information is not critical examination, it isn't examination at all.
And the hypocrisy of the system was demonstrated when I supplied parallel examples of the exact thing being done in many FARIP images, except with race instead of religion involved, and those got deleted, thus establishing firmly that the moderators approve of insults to religion despite the Code of Conduct. We never even got to find out whether I was correct in asserting that people who think it's fine to trash religion based on false information and prejudice would object to the same exact thing being done on the basis of race.