Does a guy's sexual history matter when dating? Should it?

[LuckysRevenge]

Sexual promiscuity often has roots where people have little of no self esteem due to circumstances beyond their control...and many were molested or raped or abused and believe it is their fault..that they did something wrong to deserve it

The slut shamers drive it home..again and again and again.....

Everytime I read one of you (and thankfully there are only a few..but always the same ones)...I think about all my friends that died...and how many more people who have HIV and read you...and how you would blame them instead of the disease...and I am so glad I didn't know you or anyone like you in my life.

I have a friend who caught HIV a few years ago.
Of course I don't blame him. However there's no doubt in my mind if he was less promiscuous and led a more safe and selective sex life, he would be HIV free today.

There are consequences to our decisions. No one should be shamed but at the same time, it is a fact that the more sexual partners you have, the better chance you have at catching STI's. Additionally, if a guy is having bareback sex with random guys, I think he shouldn't be surprised to catch HIV or other diseases. This isn't the 70s anymore. We are more aware now than ever of the dangers of poor decision making in our sex lives.

 

[eastofeden]

I have a friend who caught HIV a few years ago.
Of course I don't blame him. However there's no doubt in my mind if he was less promiscuous and led a more safe and selective sex life, he would be HIV free today.

There are consequences to our decisions. No one should be shamed but at the same time, it is a fact that the more sexual partners you have, the better chance you have at catching STI's. Additionally, if a guy is having bareback sex with random guys, I think he shouldn't be surprised to catch HIV or other diseases. This isn't the 70s anymore. We are more aware now than ever of the dangers of poor decision making in our sex lives.

...and you can say the same for pretty much every disease...heart disease...obesity.....diabetes...cancer...all the killers...and no one should be surprised to find they have any of them because they made poor decisions. We are more aware today than ever before what the consequences of our actions are...and as a nation we have never been more obese. WOW...I feel so much better now telling the rest of the world what is wrong with them and their choices.

The thing is...sex is the big "nasty"...why Adam and Eve were punished in that fucking garden...why it took a "virgin" to give birth to the savoir ...bypassing the egg and sperm...there are so many internalized hang ups that come with sex that have been handed down for ages...and slut shaming is nothing new.

The stigma from sexual diseases far surpasses all the others put together...it always has. The thing that has changed...gay people used to know better.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

...and you can say the same for pretty much every disease...heart disease...obesity.....diabetes...all the killers...and no one should be surprised to find they have any of them because they made poor decisions. We are more aware today than ever before what the consequences of our actions are...and as a nation we have never been more obese. WOW...I feel so much better now telling the rest of the world what is wrong with them and their choices.

The thing is...sex is the big "nasty"...why Adam and Eve were punished in that fucking garden...why it took a "virgin" to give birth the savoir...bypassing the egg and sperm...there are so many internalized hang ups that come with sex that have been handed down for ages...and slut shaming is nothing new.

The stigma from sexual diseases far surpasses all the others put together...it always has. the thing that has changed...gay people use dot know better.

Except those diseases often happen because of our family history. We aren't even sure of the causes in some cases but merely factors that often contribute to those diseases.

STI's are simple. Unsafe sex leads to sexually transmitted diseases. Wear a condom.
You also are less likely to catch those diseases if you know your partners.

No one is saying sex is bad.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Unsafe sex... or using drugs, sharing needles, or, in the case of a family member, being born with it.

But let me sit here and watch these college professors go on and on about comparing one thing to another while continuing to deflect everything and blame everyone. It's amusing.

 

[eastofeden]

Except those diseases often happen because of our family history. We aren't even sure of the causes in some cases but merely factors that often contribute to those diseases.

STI's are simple. Unsafe sex leads to sexually transmitted diseases. Wear a condom.
You also are less likely to catch those diseases if you know your partners.

No one is saying sex is bad.

We are sure of the causes in most of the cases and yes..family history is part of it...choices we make are a much bigger part in most cases.

You are right about the condoms....but you are wrong about the partners. It only takes one..and statistics on infidelity are staggering. Having 20 partners who are disease free is healthier than having one that isn't.

I already said everything else I wanted to say except for one thing....

I don't think that empathy can be taught.....I used to think so but I believe I was wrong.

 

[xbuzzerx]

To Matt's and Paul's responses

To me it's brutally simple

Just to be clear, my comment wondering about how common comprehensive testing is was only general curiosity. It's something you pretty much have to specifically ask a doctor or clinic to do, and most people when "on the market" discuss nothing further than HIV status. The other diseases virtually never come up in conversation, even though many others are fantastically more common.

I get tested personally just for my own peace of mind, because I dislike being in a state of "not knowing what's going on" with my health, and wouldn't want something to take me by surprise. Also, I would not deal well with a partner coming back later and informing me that I had given him something that I hadn't even known I had. Wanting the weight of worrying about it off my own mind is really the extent of the reason I do it. I don't demand partners get tests done or show me test results.

So just for the record, my post was not meant to indicate being on a side in the resulting chain of posts about statistical probabilities.

 

[Latimer]

good-looking + good social skills = more opportunities = more sexual liaisons

 

[Rolyo85]

Ultimately, if one uses protection and tests regularly, the chance of catching anything that isn't easily treatable is close to 0.

Casual sex has a vastly different nuance than sex with a partner. I have experienced a lot of both, and it brings different emotions and different satisfaction. "Oh, I'm too good for casual sex, I choose eternal love and commitment instead" sounds plain ignorant to me. Casual sex isn't soulless and impersonal, unless YOU make it so. You can like the people you do it with, you can be friends with them and have it repeatedly with the same guy without being exclusive. Emotionally, of course I'd rather be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I will stay a monk in the mean time.

 

[dereperez]

Ultimately, if one uses protection and tests regularly, the chance of catching anything that isn't easily treatable is close to 0.

Casual sex has a vastly different nuance than sex with a partner. I have experienced a lot of both, and it brings different emotions and different satisfaction. "Oh, I'm too good for casual sex, I choose eternal love and commitment instead" sounds plain ignorant to me. Casual sex isn't soulless and impersonal, unless YOU make it so. You can like the people you do it with, you can be friends with them and have it repeatedly with the same guy without being exclusive. Emotionally, of course I'd rather be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I will stay a monk in the mean time.

So basically friends with benefits. I wonder if the slut-shaming group will still have issues with this.

 

[cgymike]

If he says he's bi smell his hole and tell him he aint.

 

[dereperez]

^So you want to smell my hole now is it?

 

[otters]

^So you want to smell my hole now is it?

That would be a very boring experience for you, Derek. OTOH, taking into account all of the nice comments he writes, I guess his nose is certainly larger than all other organs, especially larger than the one organ between his ears.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Ultimately, if one uses protection and tests regularly, the chance of catching anything that isn't easily treatable is close to 0.

Casual sex has a vastly different nuance than sex with a partner. I have experienced a lot of both, and it brings different emotions and different satisfaction. "Oh, I'm too good for casual sex, I choose eternal love and commitment instead" sounds plain ignorant to me. Casual sex isn't soulless and impersonal, unless YOU make it so. You can like the people you do it with, you can be friends with them and have it repeatedly with the same guy without being exclusive. Emotionally, of course I'd rather be in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I will stay a monk in the mean time.

I don't think anyone here disagrees with you.

 

[Rolyo85]

So basically friends with benefits. I wonder if the slut-shaming group will still have issues with this.

Of course they do. It's pure monogamy with a life partner or slut.

- - - Updated - - -

I don't think anyone here disagrees with you.

Not my experience.

 

[cgymike]

I want to know if they have eaten ass.

 

[altlover85]

Any number of people have caught a disease in a supposedly monogamous relationship, from someone behaving exactly in the way I'm critical of.

So, I thought blackbeltninja was trying to point out that sometimes you think you're in a monogamous relationship, but you aren't. There's no way of knowing for sure that your partner won't cheat.

And as far as people behaving "in a way you're critical of", I would say that the major issue is not that some people sleep around, but rather that some people sleep around and lie to their partners, thereby putting the unknowing partner at risk for disease.

 

[Ninja108]

That all depends on you.
What matters to me is if they will stay faithful once they are in a relationship.

 

[bankside]

A monogamous relationship between two people who expect to only ever have a monogamous relationship is absolutely different from a relationship between two people who sleep around with random strangers and then decide to be monogamous with each other. It's based on a different understanding of how to relate to people, what a relationship means, what sex means, what monogamy means.

Both those situations are called monogamous, but the name disguises two very different sets of assumptions about life.

So, I thought blackbeltninja was trying to point out that sometimes you think you're in a monogamous relationship, but you aren't. There's no way of knowing for sure that your partner won't cheat.

And as far as people behaving "in a way you're critical of", I would say that the major issue is not that some people sleep around, but rather that some people sleep around and lie to their partners, thereby putting the unknowing partner at risk for disease.

I think that is a dangerous kind of cynicism. I'd say there is a way of knowing, but it requires people to invest a little patience and time in getting to know the character of someone they're interested in. It isn't some random flip of the coin whether someone will betray their relationship or not. There really are people who don't cheat on their partners. People who value their health and their happiness will put some thought into figuring out which men are capable of loyalty and honesty.

I agree with you that sleeping around while lying about it is terrible. But telling the truth about sleeping around does not stop someone from getting infected.

On course the magic condom will always stop all diseases when used correctly, in a world where people can't even figure out how to signal a lane change.

 

[dereperez]

Of course they do. It's pure monogamy with a life partner or slut.

"Slut" is relative.

 

[altlover85]

But I don't see as many posters focused on the risk of disease as I do the concern that fidelity may be a relevant pattern in one's history, that infidelity or at least restlessness, IS an indicator that a monogamous relationship may be an unlikely expectation for that potential partner. And to be sure, there is a good deal of posting that suggests many men ARE looking for a singular pair-bond.

While that may be true, I was just addressing bankside and bbn's exchange.

Somehow the recognition of real causation is become the placement of blame. That's not required. The two are separate.

I think the way some are taking what is being written has more to do with how conclusions are being drawn.

A monogamous relationship between two people who expect to only ever have a monogamous relationship is absolutely different from a relationship between two people who sleep around with random strangers and then decide to be monogamous with each other. It's based on a different understanding of how to relate to people, what a relationship means, what sex means, what monogamy means.

Both those situations are called monogamous, but the name disguises two very different sets of assumptions about life.

Perhaps we need a new definition for your more specific brand of monogamy.

I think that is a dangerous kind of cynicism. I'd say there is a way of knowing, but it requires people to invest a little patience and time in getting to know the character of someone they're interested in. It isn't some random flip of the coin whether someone will betray their relationship or not. There really are people who don't cheat on their partners. People who value their health and their happiness will put some thought into figuring out which men are capable of loyalty and honesty.

I think that it's very unlikely that some (perhaps) most people will cheat, but you can never know for sure. Some people are very good liars. With that said, I think most people in monogamous relationship can sleep soundly and not be worried about contracting VD from a dishonest partner.

I agree with you that sleeping around while lying about it is terrible. But telling the truth about sleeping around does not stop someone from getting infected.

Right, but if you tell the truth about sleeping around, then a person can choose for themselves what sex acts they want to do with you and how much risk they want to take. I would also venture to say that for many people, if they found out that their partner wanted to sleep around, they would end the relationship.