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Don't know what to do...

J

JB3

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So here's the deal:

Since last fall I've been coming to terms with my sexuality and whether I was gay. After a lot of soul-searching I've come to accept what I've known subconsciously for a while; that I'm gay. I can't imagine a future with anyone except for a man, and the prospect of being in a relationship with a man is exciting in ways that I have never felt with the few female relationships I've been in. I know that there are a lot of challenges to overcome with this, and that there are other elements of myself that I need to reconcile with my sexuality. (I consider myself a conservative republican, but that's a whole other issue that I'm dealing with)

The big thing for me right now, though, is that I'm dying to come out. I know its going to be a stressful situation, but I want it done so that I can be myself and stop hiding this. The problem is that now would be the absolute worst time to do it; my older sister is getting married in the middle of June, and my parents are busy working all of the wedding stuff out with her. To add this on top of all that might cause a disaster. But, on the other hand, if I don't get it out sooner or later, its going to come out when I don't want it to and perhaps cause even more problems.

So what the heck should I do? So far, one person that I'm friends with knows, but that's it. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?
 
Well we need more info, what kind of people are your family.

Generally it's better to take control of your life rather than let it take control of you, if your family isn't full of religious zealots it might be better to tell them when they are distracted, they'll have no time to make silly mistakes and will have the opportunity to think about it before they react. Who knows?
 
TX-Beau said:
Well we need more info, what kind of people are your family.

Generally it's better to take control of your life rather than let it take control of you, if your family isn't full of religious zealots it might be better to tell them when they are distracted, they'll have no time to make silly mistakes and will have the opportunity to think about it before they react. Who knows?
Click to expand...

They're generally pretty accepting. My parents have caught me looking at gay porn before (not in person, just the browsing history), and the biggest part of their reaction had more to do with looking at porn itself rather than the content of the porn. I was actually rather shocked that they didn't touch on the type of porn in their reaction, but they didn't. Who knows if that will transfer over to coming out though.

I do agree that doing it while they may not be able to make silly mistakes and overreact. But, sort of in the same vein, if I tell them before the wedding their reaction may be for us to hide it from my grandparents and my soon-to-be-brother in law's family. Or, they may brush it off entirely because it would be a distraction.
 
If the timing is really a big deal for you, why not just wait another 30 days? Not gonna kill you or anyone else. It'll be here quicker than you think... May's halfway over! :eek:
 
well it sounds like its possible/potentially probable they already know and are waiting for you to tell them, but still, you are dealing with uncertainty and i know how nerve wracking that can be.

Alternate course, you are worried about the wedding, whats your sister like/whats your take on what her reaction would be? You could depending on your assessment come out to her first, then use her support to come out to your family and neutralise any worries about the wedding.

My mum had the same worries about my coming out to my brother ruining his graduation, in my assessment he was above that, i felt pressure within myself to let him know, i did, everything went awesomely.

Ultimately you are the best judge of what you should/need to do.
 
Follow you instincts about the wedding. Consider it may be oneupmanship on your part. I know that I get resentful around straight weddings. There doesn't seem to be any pressing need that a month's delay would make much of a difference to you. If you were my kid, I'd be more concerned with your politics.
 
Droid800 said:
They're generally pretty accepting. My parents have caught me looking at gay porn before (not in person, just the browsing history), and the biggest part of their reaction had more to do with looking at porn itself rather than the content of the porn.
Click to expand...

Droid800:
Your parents already know you're gay. Maybe they don't know that they know, but they do. I agree with those above that waiting until after the wedding might be for the best. But trust me, they know.
Been there,
C
 
soreknees said:
Follow you instincts about the wedding. Consider it may be oneupmanship on your part. I know that I get resentful around straight weddings. There doesn't seem to be any pressing need that a month's delay would make much of a difference to you. If you were my kid, I'd be more concerned with your politics.
Click to expand...

Thats sort of what I'm worried about. Even if she's really supportive, I know inside my older sister would be angry that I detracted from what should be her time. (that makes her sound selfish, but you all know how brides can get, and it is one of the most important days of her life after all) The whole resentful thing is going to be interesting; I have been noticing that as the wedding has gotten closer, I've found myself wanting that special person more than ever.

Side note: My parents actually understand my politics, even though they both voted Obama. I'm fairly open-minded for a conservative, and have no problem with gay marriage. (going to an extremely conservative school and discovering that you're quite moderate, even liberal, for a conservative helps) If you had to give me a hard classification, I'd probably be closer to a libertarian than anything else.
 
And why do you need to make an official proclamation before you can start being yourself? I agree with most of the others that waiting until after the wedding would be the best plan for coming out to your family--but why do you have to put yourself on hold in exploring in the mean time? You're building it up to be this big event that is going to be stressful--stressful for whom? Your parents, who have already caught you looking at gay porn and did not say anything? The same parents who voted for our first African American president?

You know who you are. You know they love you and probably already suspect. Why not quietly just start being yourself, and then after the wedding stress dies down, walk calmly out of the closet, rather than bursting free of it, throwing open the door and yelling, "Surprise, I'm gay!!!?'
 
Wait until after the wedding.

I agree. Why the need for the big announcements?

I think you're feeling a bit left out and are secretly hoping that we'll tell you to tell everyone now.

That way, the attention would be back on you and not only on your sister's wedding.
 
Mom Knows if they checked the your internet history. Best wait till after the wedding before stating the obvious.

PS No trying on the Wedding Dress either :lol: :rotflmao:
 
Now that we're much closer to the wedding (less than two weeks), your guys' advice was spot on. I think if I tried to tell my parents their reaction would be 'okay... Now what were we talking about as far as the catering is concerned?'.

In (sort of) retrospect, and after reading a BUNCH of the stories and experiences on hear, I think I'm going to start with friends and go from there.
 
Good to hear.

Don't worry. You'll get a chance to be in the spotlight again. For now, just let everyone enjoy your sis's wedding.
 
So the wedding went off without a hitch. Beautiful weather, fantastic ceremony, and beautiful bride. After a dicey start, the families even managed to get along rather well.

As it turns out, one of my brother-in-law's uncles is gay too, and brought his partner with him. During the reception I was walking around and bumped into them, and had a nice discussion with both of them. (a bit of alcohol was involved, but I didn't say anything I didn't want to) I did, however, come out to both of them. They both understood the situation I'm in, and it was actually pretty reassuring talking to both of them about it.
 
See waiting for a little while dint hurt, but am a little uncertain about how you can just blurt out to a person whos now family you gay before you own family, what if this uncle tells his family?? Not on purpose of course, it slips out.. Do you think it was such a wise decision? Anyway thats me..
 
See.

Sometimes life hands you an opportunity.
 
So another question.

I want to come out to a very good friend, but she lives in New York so telling her in person is not possible. We have a very complicated history (almost dated in early college, when I was a senior we made out a few times the week I left when I was still figuring out who I was sexually), which will make this difficult. Obviously, this isn't an ideal situation since I can't tell her face to face, so what's the best way to do it? I'm tempted to write her a very personal email about it, mainly because I am no good at articulating my feelings in high-stress situations like this. There are huge drawbacks to that, though, so I'm not sure

What do you guys think?
 
An e-mail is fine, but a phone call would be better. You can always say, "I have something I wanted to talk to you about, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to articulate what I really wanted to say, so I wrote out a letter that I'd like to read to you." And then, read the letter.

Lex
 
A letter is not the best way for several reasons, the main ones being:

1. you may not get any feedback for a while and you won't know why and will start worrying about it

2. letters are easily misunderstood unless very carefully drafted. the reader is in a different mind set and can easily misinterpret what you're trying to say.
 
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