dpnice - Archived Blog Posts

[Redsox]

I understand where you're coming from, dpnice. Your pictures are excellent. Thanks for sharing them.

 

[dpnice]

It constantly amazes me how my friends in England always welcome me with such genuine pleasure, welcoming me into their arms, hearts and homes. I don’t wish to belittle myself but honestly I am not the most interesting, well educated, amusing or culturally knowledgeable person that they know, yet even so with each visit they make me feel important and an essential part of their lives. It really is a privilege knowing that I have such faithful and loyal friends even if it is rare, perhaps only once a year that we get to see each other in person.

As always England in winter was cold and the central heating not at all efficient. I found myself a fleece lined cardigan my first day wandering around Oxford and that helped keep me warm; plus the rug I tucked around my knees whenever I ended up curled in a ball on the settee. I still have to force myself to have a shower when I am there; dreading the moment when I have to turn off the scalding water and step out, shivering, into a freezing bathroom.

The days sped by filled with lunches and dinners and an occasional foray out in the cold to visit a local village. I had insisted that I required recuperation time from the excessive hours I had been working before Madame left; so most mornings were those lazy ones where one emerges from bed only after being awake for an hour appreciating the warmth and lack of urgency to commence the day.

The highlight of my stay was an invitation to attend The House of Lords to listen to the maiden speech of a close friend newly made a peer of the realm. I do expect to be treated as royalty when I am in England and this was no exception. We were met by one of the doormen and shown to our seats in the Visitor’s Gallery overlooking the throne and directly facing him. Never have I felt more privileged, humbled and overwhelmed by the sense of history of the building and the traditions which I was witnessing.

We met up at the National Gallery Restaurant for coffee later where we waxed lyrically over the success of his speech, the ease with which he delivered it and the obvious appreciation with which it was received. His comments were how grateful he was that we had made the effort to be there and what a great support it was knowing we were there listening.

How come I have over the years managed to keep friends who appreciate me to that degree?

 

[dpnice]

Of course, unfortunately, it always does and one finds oneself with a list of unfinished chores and jobs which require completion in an extremely limited amount of time.

Somehow during the past few years I have drifted into a state of lethargy where I prefer doing absolutely nothing rather than making the effort to apply myself to the tasks essential to providing a stimulating and worthwhile way of life.

I read recently that the road to happiness consists of making choices. Inherent in these choices are the sacrifices it is necessary to make to achieve your aims, seeing that it is impossible to apply yourself fully to a wide range of interests. Is family or your working life more important? Are sporting activities more desirable over cultural interests? Everything requires an effort but can this be applied equally to every interest?

Now do I really need to make the effort and sacrifice necessary to change my way of life? Because I am actually quite happy doing nothing is change really that essential just because I feel guilty about being unproductive and boring to the extreme?

What is more important in life: the quantity of books you have read recently; the films you have seen this week; or the happiness that two hours gazing out to sea doing nothing has generated?

 

[dpnice]

I do miss the days when these blogs were really quite popular. Members visited regularly, left comments and updated personal entries. Are their decline due to the reduction in the number of members on JUB? Or have smart phones and social networks absorbed the free time that members used to allocate to visiting here? We are forecasted even more days of heavy rain, something that drives me nearly into the depths of depression. Sitting here listening to it teeming down outside reduces my moral to zero. Back from yet another unpleasant stay in hospital. It seems the only thing to do when hospitalized is to spend as much time as is feasible sleeping in order that the time passes as quickly as possible. I didn’t even bother to sit there reading; I just wanted to escape into my own personal fantasy world. With maps, tour guides and travel brochures on Australia littering Monsieur’s office it seems that I shall be free of my employers in a month’s time. The meal time discussions revolve around a possible depart in February. Seeing the destination is such a long haul flight away it seems doubtful that they will be absent for less than a month. I am on my nth attempt at giving up smoking. This time I have the old familiar support of nicotine patches with the addition of an electronique cigarette for the moments I feel like climbing up the walls. It is only 18 days so far and I have tried so many times that I feel a little stupid mentioning it here as I may well not even survive until the end of the month. Being single with my closest friends living across The Channel it is really quite reassuring to have an employer who shows genuine concern over your health problems. Madame was quite happy for me to take time off work after my operation but as you can see from the photograph it is more my vanity that is suffering rather than me being physically ill.

 

[Scrub]

I do still read the blogs. I am having some health issues myself so I don't regularly contribute. Please continue to write. Feel better soon.

 

[belamyi]

Blogs are so very 2006... that's why.

 

[dpnice]

Double post?

 

[dpnice]

I realise that I haven’t updated this blog for quite a number of weeks, a failure that is completely related to my present state of mind. Since the beginning of the year I have lost every iota of enthusiasm to do anything; requiring enormous amounts of effort even to do the simplest of things.

If it is essential it gets done but then all I want to do is remain in bed and not get out of it to be obliged to face the world and recognise that my life was deteriorating slowly into non-existance. I am well aware that this is a symptom of depression but have refused to accept that as a diagnosis being well aware of what I should be doing with my life and how to regain the pleasure it used to provide.

Two months into giving up smoking; two minor surgeries for possible life endangering symptoms; then add two months of the most awful weather I have experienced here in the South of France. All these add up to acceptable reasons for retreating to my bed; I call it my “hibernation treatment”.

So here I am, not quite blossoming in the same way as the cherry trees but life is slowly putting on a smile once again.

My doctor, quite worried about my possible state of health and subsequently prescribing me a battery of new test, is finally convinced that my life is unliveable unless I am smoking. She advised me today that my nicotine addiction is much less a danger than the damage smoking is doing to my lungs, legs and arteries. So I am allowed electronic cigarettes with a high dose nicotine liquid, plus skin patches to ensure that I don’t fail in my attempt this time. When your doctor understands you and supports you as firmly as mine does it is a great factor in that desire to succeed.

Of course when she says she doubts I will live 2 more years if I carry on smoking that is a great influence as well.

So here I am encircled by health problems still having to push myself to cook, eat or even work yet really feeling as if spring has finally arrived

 

[JakeLucas]

I still read your blog, and others as well.
I don't leave comments as much as I used to, mostly because I don't want to be -- or be seen as -- the JUB busybody.

I sympathize with your goal to quit smoking. From your descriptions, it seems that my addiction was not as intense as yours. Like you, I made several attempts before I finally quit "for good." My motto used to be, "It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it a hundred times."

The physical addiction was relatively easy to break. I used patches and occasionally gum. The more difficult part of quitting was the habit of reaching for a cigarette in particular circumstances or at certain times. Between the patches, gum and changing my habits, both the physical and mental addictions were finally broken.

It's worth the bother. You will feel much better physically and emotionally. It's just a pity that we have to go through the withdrawal, feeling worse, before we feel better. I'll wish you good luck with it.

 

[dpnice]

Tonight is my last evening on my own, from tomorrow, Madame, my boss is back in residence. I will put on my ‘uniform’and fix a welcoming smile on my face before driving to the airport to await their arrival. Hanging around in the Arrivals is not too much of a drag as I always get emotional seeing friends and families greeting each other and of course spend much of the time just enjoying seeing attractive guys hanging around too.


As usual I have done nothing worthwhile during her absence, letting life drift by and wasting all the days during which I could have been out and about.


So it is the return of my daily routine; no more freedom to just do nothing, trying to find the time to fit everything in and ensure that everything is done. She is really a wonderful employer as I have no restrictions and do what I think should be done, even so I do wish my retirement was less than 19 months away.


Mind you rumour has it that she will be absent more frequently this year. It seems that the summer will see her cruising the Mediterranean for at least 3 months. Add to this a short break over Easter and a month away at the end of the year and I have the feeling that I shall only be working half of these 19 months.

 

[dpnice]

9th November 2015.

 

[dpnice]

My doctor is quite enthusiastic and honest which is quite a relief.

The scan reveals two aspects of over 40yrs of smoking. First of all the Emphysema which is basically the lung tissue unable to transfer oxygen to the blood any more, is quite serious. Sufficiently so that she doesn't understand why I am not out of breath all the time. Obviously as I don't do anything strenuous I a not likely to be short of breath yet.

So though there is no going back or possibility of repairing this damage the only solution is to not smoke again in order to preserve what is left of my working lungs. If I am honest I am still quite annoyed at being obliged to give up smoking but I think it would be so stupid to continue that I have managed to convince myself that, unfortunately, that is one thing I will have to do without for the rest of my life. A bit like sex I suppose.

The second problem is the small nodule that the scan showed up. The doctor was extremely forthcoming and willing to answer fully all the questions I had about possible scenarios. I think if she had said let's wait and see I would have change doctors.

Any way a real diagnostic isn't possible until after the second scan which is programmed for the end of June after which they should be able to evaluate the evolution of the nodule.

Should there be none to an extremely limited increase in size then nothing will be done apart from regular check-ups.

Should there be a substantial increase in size then it will have to be removed requiring serious surgery. I had hoped that they could go in with a camera, just like on the TV, but it seems that doesn't work with lungs. Plus they don't just remove the nodule, as it is too small, they just remove a portion of the lungs.

She seemed convinced that after its removal I would just require recuperation time and that no chemotherapy would be involved.



She was quite patient listening to my explanation that I would need to be convinced to go through with surgery as I have always been secure in my decision not to have cancer treatment should I ever arrive at that point. As she explained, at this point there was no question of cancer, just a slight growth that after removal I would probably just continue with life as I have been; but removal is really to be advised as a precaution.

So nothing more to do than wait for the second scan, be prepared for any decisions I might have to make and carrying on sticking nicotine patches everywhere.

No need to worry as it really isn't bothering me; have hardly even thought about it and it isn't preventing me from enjoying the wonderful weather we are having here.

 

[dpnice]

Just a rapid comment on my health following up from my last entry. I had the second scan of my lungs which showed no further increase in the nodules found in the first scan. So no more to do now except follow up with annual check-ups.

I am on the final few days of my nicotine patches after which I will have to rely on my e-cigarette to keep me sane and not smoking. It really is a clever invention though I am not 100% that it is not doing me some sort of harm; but as my doctor emphasized anything is better than consuming 20 cigarettes a day for the past 40 years.

The irregularity of these entries is an obvious sign that something is not well with my approach to life at the present moment. The problem is that I am uncertain whether I am suffering from chronic depression or if I am just finding myself incapable of coping with life without my cigarettes.

Lethargy, loss of appetite, lack of interest in anything, a desire to just sleep all day and a huge effort required to get out of bed in the morning all seem to me to be signs that something is not quite right. At least I am managing to control my life sufficiently in that everything that is essential is being done; I haven’t yet lapsed into an unwashed anorexic couch potato.

On a brighter note my holiday in England was exceptionally good with excellent restaurants, friends in and out visiting just to see me, garden visits nearly every day and several tours of country houses. And all this done under a blue sky, in warm temperate weather and not one drop of rain. England really is a beautiful place when the weather is good plus there are things you can do there nowhere else in the world.

We had one day just visiting private gardens in a beautiful village. They had all opened in aid of local charities and one was free to wander in and out at will. I must admit that an English garden in sunny weather is an absolute joy to visit and where else in the world could one do that?

Of course when the weather is good I want to return there to live, forgetting about all the depressing rainy days and the freezing cold in winter. But we did a tour of most estate agents’ windows and I quickly realized that I can no longer afford to return there to live as the prices of houses are well out of my reach. So my retirement is assured here in my small flat in Nice.

Another couple of friends, pissed off that they were not going to see more of me this year, managed to persuade me to go to Amsterdam with them for a few days. So that is in the planning stage for August;the flights and hotel are booked and paid for so only the daily organization and restaurants to sort out.

So here I am completely unconcerned about my health, forcing myself to tackle the painting job I have been commanded to do this summer and planning a pleasant short break next month.

Life could be worse couldn’t it?

Sorry forgot to put in a link to the holiday snaps in case anyone is interested in having a look.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/dpnice1/sets/72157645345709805/

 

[DonQuixote]

David,
I tend to forget to check out peoples' home pages and blogs and such.
My limited time each night means I'm pushing just to catch up on the threads.

I happened to see the "stats" section at the bottom of a page, saw your blog was the most recently updated, and clicked on the link - I've just read the last few, starting after your return from Russia.

Smoking - I tried to quit a few times. I actually bid on hypnosis treatment from our local PBS (Public Broadcasting Station) auction MANY years ago. I wanted to quit, thought it would help give me the jump start I needed. It worked - but dumb shit that I was back then, I decided to see if I could break the post-hypnotic suggestion - of course I could! It was difficult, but I managed.

After quitting for many years, I hit a mid-life crisis - loss of a job of 12+ years - picked the habit back up. Years later I was ready to quit again, made an appt with a Psychologist who did hypnotherapy - one session as a kick start and I was ready - and done.

I hope you are successful in your efforts to quit. Every day you don't smoke is a day your lungs can start to repair themselves. It can mean a lot to your life expectancy. I last quit in July 2006 after a triple play of echo-cardiogram, nuclear stress test, and angiogram cum -plasty revealed I'd had a heart attack at some point in the past - I have no idea when.

Take the time to enjoy life - even if that's just enjoying the breeze and the vista.

Try not to let the stressors of the day build internally - let it go like water off a duck's back.

 

[DonQuixote]

Life is rough when the cost of the South of France is less expensive than Britain.

But, being able to socialize with friends at will is something, too.

Is your flat large enough to have guests come visit you?

 

[ahonestguy]

While I'm new to JUB and I realize that I am late to replying to this post, but I have read through some of your past blog posts and I want to wish you the best of luck with your health. While I've personally never been in a position like this, I still hope that the condition of your lungs does not worsen, and that you are able to experience more joyful, sunny days in the future with friends and family. Also, I hope that you have/had a great time in Amsterdam with your friends.

 

[dpnice]

Torrential outburst of rain and low temperatures finally got the better of me and made our few days here really rather a disappointment. Each day saw us rushing for shelter or huddling around a coffee trying to keep dry and warm.

The reason forgoing was to sit outside alongside a canal admiring the view and just relaxing after a morning’s museum visit. I had planned leisurely strolls around the more beautiful canals which turned into route marches between one downfall of rain and the next and when it rained it literally poured down drenching everything and everyone. Finally all our evening meals were taken inside; our choice being rather based on the inside temperature of the restaurant rather than the menu and décor.

I felt so sorry for my friends as Amsterdam with its buildings bathed in sunshine, with the many bridges spread out with tables for coffee and the time to stand and stare is a beautiful city in which to spend some time.

So thank goodness for the museums, as packed as they were, providing us with a refuge for at least part of the day. For me, of course, the museums are not only a place to see the art work I appreciate but also a capsule in which I can sit and watch the many handsome young men strolling around. I often wonder which is the major reason for going, the paintings or the boys.

So we saw the four Vermeer, with which I fell in love. On entering the gallery you could see straight away their location by the crowd accumulated around them. The advantage of being tall is that if you take your time and wait you finally get a view of the painting in all its splendour. We ignored the Rembrandts and explored unknown Dutch painters among which I found some extremely pleasing works.

Then there was the Van Gogh to fill up a morning which turned into six hours; we were culturally exhausted when we finally staggered out. They have changed the way the works of art are hung which disappointed me a little. It has obviously been done to enable them to educate the visitor but I don’t want to be educated I just want to stand in front of the painting admiring it.

Some of his paintings actually brought tears to my eyes and at times I felt I was falling into them. Thank goodness a pretty boy was always around to drag me back to reality.

With the weather and returning to find that the airline has lost my suitcase I am left with rather mixed emotions about the holiday. All I know is that Van Gogh will draw me back there before too many years go by.

The photos are here.

 

[dpnice]

The scarcity of my blog entries in 2014 reflects closely my achievements during the past year. Never in my life have I been so lethargic, spending the majority of my free time doing absolutely nothing.

I was prepared for a difficult year knowing that giving up smoking in January 2014 would affect my daily routines and the ways in which I lived my quiet solitary life. But I wasn’t prepared for this form of depression to take hold so quickly and change my life so completely. It is a daily occurrence of knowing what one should be doing but having no desire or energy to do it. Knowing all the solutions to getting one’s life back on the rails is no good if you are incapable of applying any of them.

So the year sped by filled with work and sleep with the occasional highlight where I was expected to make an effort. Efforts sucha s going on holidays and actually communicating with friends.

Trying to rationalize my current behaviour I often think that subconsciously I am ensuring that my life is uneventful in order to give me an excuse to start smoking again. The old “my life was much better when I was smoking” routine. I had done this the last time I managed to stop smoking for a year allowing me to go out and buy a packet on the 1[SUP]st[/SUP] January.

Another line of reasoning is linked to my solitude. I wonder if finally I have come to resent being the person who has to make the effort in order for something to happen. For once I would like someone else to decide, someone else to stimulate me to do something, someone else to do something for me. All you people living alone will probably recognise that, especially if like me you don’t have the close support of friends and family. Perhaps unknowingly I am telling myself that if there is no-one there to do this then I am no longer going to do it either.

My doctor is trying to convince me that I am having a nervous breakdown yet I don’t feel guilty or miserable about doing nothing. Oh I would like to go out to the cinema but I am just as happy sitting in front of the TV or curled up in bed. I have always wondered if you need to be actively participating in life in order to be happy. Can an empty life be fulfilling?

With my retirement not too far in the distant future it is obviously time to consider making a few choices on changing my life. Perhaps writing this is a first step towards improving it.

 

[dpnice]

Future, will there in fact be one?

Remember the fable about the ant, who after working hard all year gathering food was able to shelter safely through the winter months. A lesson worthwhile learning most would say. But one obvious flaw, of which the author didn’t consider was, and what if just before the start of winter the ant found he had a cancer and was unlikely to survive the winter for which he had so conscientiously provided for. Would not the lesson in this case be enjoy oneself whilst one might and sod what the future may have in store?

So after prudently constructing during my 40 years of employment a nest egg for my retirement, just 10 months before the long awaited date I am diagnosed with a cancer of the bone marrow.

Sometimes life just shits on you doesn’t it. Mind you the joke gets even more annoying. The diagnosis is of Waldenstrom Disease which occurs in only 3 to 5 persons out of a million; I just happen to be one of those “lucky” ones. Now I have been buying lottery tickets for years why have I never had the same “luck”.

In the majority of cases no symptoms are experienced and after diagnosis all that is required is annual monitoring to ensure it remains stable. So it is not a life threatening cancer. In my case the marrow is producing anticorps which are attacking the nerve sheath in my legs leading to the possible loss of mobility which was going to be an essential part of my retirement activities.

So walks around the beautiful cities of Venice, Rome, Florence, Paris and London now seem off the books. Even climbing the threef loors to my flat now seem to be an impossibility.

So I am off to my first chemotherapy session on Friday; in Monte Carlo (classy isn’t it). We will just have to see how it goes won’t we.

 

[BillyT]

My prayers are with you David.

Justs do not over do the work, you need to keep you strength up.