Drowing in a sea of pain and confusion

[Medicman1978]

I need some advice, how would you handle a friend of yours whom you had a relationship with on top of being best friends for 28 yrs; comes to you and tells you that he can't be friends with you because his wife doesn't like you and she is telling him to choose between her or me? He chose her, and for the most part I can understand it. For the reasons
1. He wants to make his marriage work.
2. He has kids with her and wants to be a family.
3. He can't handle our past and our sexual relationship.

I can deal with most of that, but I guess I have trouble with trying to understand why can't he stand his ground with his wife. As his friend I will do what he wants. Yes and it hurts like hell and the last few weeks my emotions have taken me from here to there with it.

It is hard to let go of something that has been a part of your life for 28 yrs. I am trying but it hard and I am confused. I am in the deep end here and it sucks.

 

[HunterM]

Sorry to hear about your situation man. In a marriage where monogamy is honored and respected, he chose his wife. It is his choice for whatever reason. Only he can tell you why.

Yes, it hurts for now. You should focus your time and energy on your partner. Your partner should be your best friend. It takes time to heal.

 

[Southwest85]

It sounds like another gay guy who feels forced to reject/repress his feelings and conform.

My long-time best friend 'Matt' abandoned me right before we graduated high school for similar reasons. I thought I'd never get over him, but then I met 'Sean', who had a superior personality, was way hotter and, unfortunately, was an even bigger asshole (upsetting, yes, but it taught me I was able to get over anybody). When 'Matt' tried contacting me after college, I was easily able to resist the temptation.

 

[texan_slant]

Unfortunately, not all friendships are lasting. I know, easier said, until it happens to you personally, but it's the truth.

Personally, if someone gave me the ultimatum, I'd choose my friend!! Actions speak louder than words.

Bluntly, HE made the choice, so HE has to live with it. If he couldn't stand his ground for whatever reason, then HE's losing out on a greater friend than he has been to you (clearly).

Unfortunately, you gotta deal with it, and move on.

Don't even consider taking him back if he comes crawling.

 

[man1lover]

Why doesn't his wife like you?

 

[rjmrjm21]

You had a relationship with this man and you've been best friends for 28 years? That's a little too close. You guys gave up the right to call it a friendship the moment you had sex. Though it might not be a full blown relationship, it is still a relationship. I can understand the wife's POV.

 

[Supervert]

Don't even consider taking him back if he comes crawling.

I agree with this.

Now as far as the wife goes, lets forget the fact that she's female--I know if I was insecure about my BF keeping in touch and/or hanging out with an ex, I would NOT be comfortable with that and would say so. I don't know about giving an ultimatum... maybe I would, if we were living together and especially if children were involved.

I can understand the wife's POV also, but the "friendship" will never be the same after this. Maybe down the line when he's more secure in his marriage, you can catch up at some point, but I'd try to get over it ASAP.

 

[wastedtime]

I'm confused on why now. You say you have been friends for 28 years, and that he and she have children together so obviously they have been together for some time. So what made her suddenly change and say no more contact?

 

[bankside]

What exactly is she asking him to choose?

A choice between a relationship with her or a friendship with you? or
A choice between a relationship with her or a relationship with you?

Those are two different questions entirely. And maybe she's not even sure what she's asking, which could explain it. Or maybe he or you give her reason to doubt, at some level.

If you had no sexual past with your friend, her request would seem a bit unreasonable, because people usually should not have to choose between a friendship and a relationship. They are different things.

Though you and your friend may have settled your feelings a long time ago, maybe it isn't clear to her. But it sounds like not even his feelings are settled. You can't blame her for not liking the situation. When did your friendship cross over into a relationship, and when did it go back? How long have they been together?

Not like it matters, because even if it was a long time ago, if he can't handle the emotions it brings up, it means it is continuing into the present and he's right to ask for enough space to make his current relationship a comfortable one.

I don't usually believe in blurring the lines between friends and lovers, to the point where I think if it doesn't work out it is better to part company. There are some exceptions. I had a friend who once wanted to blur that line. It was against my better judgement. I knew it. I hated it, and didn't want it, but I was too dumb to say no. We didn't even really get anywhere before I called things to a halt. And I couldn't stand to be around him for probably a couple of years.

Eventually I realized we were both young and stupid, it wasn't what either of us were fundamentally all about, and we resumed our friendship. There's no lingering unsettled feelings though on either side. It is water so far under the bridge, and if my husband ever asked me about why I'm still friends with this guy, there would be no doubt in my guy's mind either about the boundaries of my friendship with this person. It's not even a boundary so much as a canyon, and to know either of us, it is obvious that our connection has no trace of sexuality. Even then, if my guy asked me to end any contact I had with this friend, I'd likely question why, but I would still agree in a heartbeat. He's not in the habit of making unreasonable requests, so even if this request seemed like overkill, I'm not sure why I'd say no.

If your friend's wife is left with any uncertainty, then her request is not surprising. And it's probably for the best. After 28 years if his emotions are still hovering in any kind of "hard to deal with" cloud of uncertainty, he's been wasting a lot of people's time. His, hers, and yours.

 

[Atzesp]

After 28 years if his emotions are still hovering in any kind of "hard to deal with" cloud of uncertainty, he's been wasting a lot of people's time. His, hers, and yours.

That's the best thing anyone could say about this issue. I first read this thread last night, when Medicman1978 had just posted it. At first, I was caught in so much surprise that I wasn't sure what to say at all. The only thing that kept on coming to my mind was that if she asked him to end the friendship, she probably knew something about it being no usual friendship. Otherwise, there would be no reason for her to ask such a thing - and if she did, there would be no reason for him to agree.

So, how far does her knowledge goes? Has he told her anything? Is she suspicious that he's cheating on her - with you?

Anyway, he has made a choice. It's not so easy to do as it is for us to say, but you gotta get over it. I'm quite sure that there's nothing more to be done. And yes, unfortunately, your friendship will never be the same - even if she takes her "proposal" back next week.

Now it's up to you to deal with it - and try to move on.

 

[Medicman1978]

Why doesn't his wife like you?

She has her reason for not liking me. True, I have been no saint in this. Before I knew who she was or what she meant to my bf. I told her see was fat on line. Which she is. But that set the wheels in motion for her not liking me. Everything after was downhill from there. 2nd reason she doesn't like me after I found out more and the truth uncovered for me. I spoke my mind to her and to him about how I felt about it all. She didn't like that. 3rd. She has issue with anyone taking away attention from her and her needs. Everyone is in competition with her for my best friend, from her point of view.

You had a relationship with this man and you've been best friends for 28 years? That's a little too close. You guys gave up the right to call it a friendship the moment you had sex. Though it might not be a full blown relationship, it is still a relationship. I can understand the wife's POV.

Yes you are right it was/is a little to close. I felt that the moment it happend. But it happened, we didn't deny that and we faced it head on. Yes it was a relationship in every since of the word. As for his wife's POV, there is more to it, which i will explain on another post.

 

[Medicman1978]

I guess if I had to title this as something it would be "Sex, Lies and a Web Cam!"

This all started at the wish of my best friends g/f. Not the one is married to but a previous one. She was a bit of a freak, if you want to call it that. She enjoyed watching to men together. She got off on it.

Now my best friend was 100% straight, to be honest I always thougth he was a bit curious about sex with men. There were little hints here and there, after so many years together as best friends you kind of started to wonder. Me I am Bi. I know that about myself. He never knew 100% but he had his suspision about me. But we never talked about it, out of site out of mind. Was I attracted to him sexaully, YES. But we dated girls and I kept that part of me hidden because I knew that he could never handle it. Well that is until his gf came into the picture. I will call her Girl A. Like I said she was freak. She approached me first, as she put it she felt that I was more relaxed about sex, more open and willing. I told her at the time it wasn't really good idea, that it would freak my BF out. She went on with her plan of talking to him easing him into the idea. It was a very slow process, but we got there. For me I was excited about it, his willingness to open up and experiment. My curiousity peaked, after all he is very hot and musclar and vgl. I won't go into all the details but we did what she wanted, for me it was about him, and for him I think at first it was about her and giving her what she wanted. Then it turn into us doing things without around or her knowing. That of course meant the world to me because it was about just me and him. I began to resent her push for it, because I felt she saw him as a piece of meat, a toy for her amusement and of course I saw him as something else. So I stop, and didn't want to take part in it anymore. Of course they went on without me. Just the two of them. I think also that was something he wanted to. He was becoming tired of it as well. They soon broke up and he and I continued, to say i wasn't happy would be a lie. There was a line in movie with Drew Berrymore were she talked about finding something so precious and so happy that you found it, but so affraid that you would loose it at the same time. Well that is how I felt. I sort of always figured the other shoe would drop some day. It took a year but it did. Enter Girl B. His now wife.
Someone said on here that he felt the pressures to conform, the need to be accepted. I think you hit the nail on the head. He slowly began to pull away. Even though he was very suttle about it, I knew. After so many years you just know things. Girl A was gone, he was done with her. But it took several months to finally realize that was a Girl B. He mastered the art of hiding her. He put a password on his phone. I only knew because we were out once and I asked him to use his because my battery had died. I had used it before several time and there was no password. I didn't ask him. Then there were the converstations, and I would ask who he was talking to. His answer was "my sister" I just thought you myself, you talk to your sister with that tone. I knew he was lying but I let it go. I wanted to see how this would play out. I noticed on his computer that he had a friend on his messenger, i had seen him talking to her a few times. He said they were just a friends, he really didn't know her, she was just a girl he chatted with from time to time. Okay no big deal. Now we get the the first reason of why she hates me. I was on his computer installing somethings for him. And when you turn on his system his messenger auto opens. She was there and she sent him a message. Now first-off, I am a smart ass, I know this about myself. Had I to do it again I wouldn't, but she sent him a message about some pictures she sent to him. I of course replied back that I didn't get the pictures. Hell I wanted to see what she looked like. She sent them and I responded back. "Oh you didn't tell me you were fat." Funny "yes" was it wrong. "yes". Needless to say she was pissed. And when my bf finally talked to her later that day he got cursed out. Now he came home mad as hell, yelling at me about it. I apologised to him, but I also had a serious question. I asked him, "what does this girl mean to you?" You are too upset about this if this just some girl you talk to on the internet." I told him there seems to be something more there, because u are over reacting..... He didn't reply, but I knew. I knew she was more. I knew it all in that moment. Things went back to normal soon after, we were still sleeping together and all that. Now one weekend he didn't come home on saturday night. He had dinner plans with his Aunt and family, and we had plans to go out afterwards. He didn't show up and he wasn't answering his phone, or calling me back. I got worried, because it wasn't like him. But there was nothing I could do but wait. He showed up at 3am. said that he went out with his cousins after dinner and hung out. I let him tell his lie. I knew he was lying, but I didn't call him on it. continued...........

 

[Telstra]

umm something is missing.

He got kids and you didn't know or the story is back to front.

 

[Medicman1978]

umm something is missing.

He got kids and you didn't know or the story is back to front.

it is back to front, was just giving a run down on how I got to this point.

 

[Medicman1978]

umm something is missing.

He got kids and you didn't know or the story is back to front.

it is back to front, was just giving a run down on how I got to this point.

it is back to front, was giving a run down of how I got to this point.

 

[Medicman1978]

I'm confused on why now. You say you have been friends for 28 years, and that he and she have children together so obviously they have been together for some time. So what made her suddenly change and say no more contact?

She has always said "no contact", it is just now he started to take her demands to heart.

 

[Medicman1978]

That's the best thing anyone could say about this issue. I first read this thread last night, when Medicman1978 had just posted it. At first, I was caught in so much surprise that I wasn't sure what to say at all. The only thing that kept on coming to my mind was that if she asked him to end the friendship, she probably knew something about it being no usual friendship. Otherwise, there would be no reason for her to ask such a thing - and if she did, there would be no reason for him to agree.

So, how far does her knowledge goes? Has he told her anything? Is she suspicious that he's cheating on her - with you?

Anyway, he has made a choice. It's not so easy to do as it is for us to say, but you gotta get over it. I'm quite sure that there's nothing more to be done. And yes, unfortunately, your friendship will never be the same - even if she takes her "proposal" back next week.

Now it's up to you to deal with it - and try to move on.

You are right it is up to me to deal with and maybe venting my feelings here will help. I can only hope. I have been dealing with it for the last few years and some days it hits be just out of the blue. Not so much that a sexaul partner/ lover is gone, but my best friend is gone. It wasn't just a random friend, those come and go, we were like brothers, the engery between was electric and very noticable to everyone around us. That is what I miss the most. The time I had invested in all of it, the History that is there. I turn to any of my other friends and say "Hey remember back when we were kids, and this happened? That is what is gone.

 

[Atzesp]

That is what I miss the most. The time I had invested in all of it, the History that is there. I turn to any of my other friends and say "Hey remember back when we were kids, and this happened? That is what is gone.

I understand you, man - I know how hard it must be. It's not easy to let go such a long friendship and all the history that it brings along.

But, as we have already said here, it is NOT your choice. You did everything you could. HIS wife gave him an ultimatum, HE decided to part away from you. It is sad, but you don't have too much to do. Not even keep on blaming yourself.

What happened, happened. The history you shared will have to be remembered for what it was. By the way, have you ever considered that many times what happened was "a happy past/so happy times" because it's... in the past? Time has the power to make us look at same things with different eyes.

So try to put yourself together now, as hard as it can be. And move along with your life. Your history and his end now. To keep on mourning about its end will be only - sorry for being rude - a waste of time.

Come on! You have a whole life ahead, and many friends/dates more to make!

 

[roadtripboy]

I don't want to add to your confusion. But, are you sure his wife gave him an ultimatum? Or is he just telling you that to let himself off the hook? Because it sounds like he's been using both of you.

 

[rareboy]

Snap out of it.

Your jealousy and her jealousy put together would make any man miserable.

From the way you put it, your real anger is that he chose her instead of you.

Theoretically he is straight.

He made his choice.

Butt out of his life.

Do your grieving and then move on.